i miss you

As I was trying to pray this morning ( my head was swirling with so many dumb distractions, like characters in a book I am reading, and people from a TV show I am watching ) in between all these distractions and also the constant hard work trying to bring my mind back to what I really wanted to be doing - I realized that I miss the Lord. As those words sunk into my heart I cried a little just letting myself feel it.

I know the Lord is with me, I know the Spirit lives in me. But He is not with me like He was. His presence is not close, I can not hear Him, and prayer is a struggle.

I have been wondering then what have I done? If I have done something, I want to know so I can confess it and move forward...but I don't think I have done anything in particular - other than the usual - having a sin nature kinds of things. But I confess any way.

I have been wondering what I can do - Lord what can I do to open myself more to you? So I again dig around my insides looking for something to do or be...and my thoughts come to all the usual things - Do I need to fast? Do I need to be quiet? Do I need to meditate? Do I need to read the Word? These are all good things but which is right - if any?

I can not make God come to me, whether I confess the right things, or do all of these good things. He is God, and He will come when He comes. But I can know that I miss Him, and long for Him with a passion that sometimes scares even me. And I can bring my need, and my desire for him, as an offering. Be willing to worship Him with whatever I am or am not. Recognize how humble I really am before Him, how small.

Maybe He wants me to miss Him, and just be quiet and open - bringing this small offering. So I will keep waiting.