I'm not sure what's next. I don't feel healed but I don't feel like I did during the fall (drowning in shame) either. January has been quiet - both internally and externally (other than the week of my Birthday). Even though I don't feel healed of my shame - I don't feel like it has the grip it once did either.
I keep thinking about my friends vision for me. She wrote to me last January about God rewriting my life. She saw a picture of a phonograph and phonogram beside the ocean. Here is her text about the images God gave her twice in prayer for me:
a phonograph (you in the recent past proclaiming what the spirit told you) and a phonogram (you now, waiting to have new messages recorded onto you from the spirit) and these are sitting by the tide- steady, unchanging, and faithful to its schedule of highs and lows.
I have come to know that the ocean represent the voice of God … 'his voice like the roar of many waters' as it is described in Revelation and other places. So I am there in 2 pieces on the beach - one part the phonograph and the other the phonogram. The first is done and in the past … what I had proclaimed in the Spirit before … and the second part waiting to be written on by the Spirit again.
Truly, that is how I feel. I am waiting to be written on again. I feel like my life has been split in half. The first part is done but I have no idea what the second part will be. And it definitely doesn't feel like it has started yet either. I'm in this limbo middle place … dealing with all this junk so I can be free to move into part 2 of my life.
Well man, bring on whatever else needs to be dealt with. Let's get it over with … because I REALLY want to move out of limbo.
I feel a nudge to look at my desire to bring myself ease, comfort and pleasure. I long to distract myself from the things I find distasteful or yucky in my life and in the world. That's a problem. One I don't feel like I have any clue how to be rid of. All I do is attack the symptoms and that never solves the deep issues in my heart. I also still struggle with my appearance. Ugliness is still a regular feeling. I'm not sure how to rid myself of that either … though like the other things it has grown quieter… its still present. I know that all the shame I waded through ties in to both of these - so perhaps the healing that God will eventually effect will heal these as well. Don't know.
Limbo.
Friday, January 30, 2015
a single word
Well I tried on some silence last night. It didn't go very well. The insulation between floors here is not awesome. There was some manner of toddler in the room above mine that was tapping around in what I can only imagine were horrible plastic princess shoes. It didn't sound just like tapping though - it was so beyond just tapping! I think it may have penetrated into my very soul. Irritation welled up in me … and no amount of prayer or wishing for it to stop seemed to help. I tried to concentrate despite the distraction. I tried to concentrate on the throne and give my prayers of thankfulness. I tried to concentrate on what I know, I tried to ask God what He wants me to spend my time thinking on. But mostly, I was irritated.
Thankfully, the little beast went to bed at 9 and I could emerge from cocoon of 'silence' and take a break. I was so out of sync at that point though I watched some TV. Probably not the best move on my part but that's what I did nonetheless. After that stumble, I picked up a book I just finished reading. It's called When God Is Silent by Luis Martinez, he was the catholic archbishop of Mexico City in the mid nineteen hundreds. I wasn't sure what to expect when I first started reading it. And indeed his language is a bit flowery for my taste at times, but there were some very wise words as well.
Here are a couple of things I picked up:
'If we want to attain silence in the interior of our hearts, we ought to begin by investigating the causes of the clamor within us. Ordinarily, there are 2 causes of interior noise: the imagination and the heart.'
( He describes the imagination noise as those fleeting thoughts that take us away from our intended thoughts and focus. We go down this bunny trail or that and have to keep refocusing.)
But he says when the source is our heart 'how difficult it is to be recollected, and how tense is our whole soul! … When we are under the stress of some particular emotion such as love, fear, desire, or anger,, we cannot compose our spirit; our soul seems like a city full of noise… When we suffer, pain produces a constant monotonous noise; a single word is spoken to us, but it is a word that disturbs our entire being.'
Well as I read this I felt like I was understood. Someone got how I have been feeling. I wondered at my ' word ' … the one that has disturbed my entire being. It seems obvious now that it was 'shame'. It has disrupted everything. It has directed much of my life - and not in a good way - making me bend and move in ways contrary to my calling and identity in Jesus. The ' I'm just not worth it ' phrase that has been plaguing me for 30 years has seen its day. I spent the last 6 months in tears trying to get to that dark pit where all this was hiding. I got to the bottom - and cried my eyes out for the entire month of December. Well, it had its turn … now I want a new word to take its place! The tears are gone and I am quiet once again on the inside waiting to be healed - waiting for something new - what shall that be Lord - what is my new word?
I couldn't figure out what the opposite of shame was - so I looked up the antonyms. Shame put simply is humiliation and dishonor. The words they chose as the opposite are pride and honor. Now I don't think pride is going to help me in this instance because having pride in myself will only make this problem worse … but perhaps identity is better - Knowing who I am in Jesus. I am honored by Him, loved by Him, chosen; called a child, a sister of Jesus, a bride.
I am worth it to Jesus. I can't fully wrap my brain around that. I know I am full of sin and sometimes that sin feels so overwhelming and painful. But He came for me. He called me before the foundation of the world and even as Jesus died on the cross - He thought of MY rescue - He thought of me. That's amazing... and has yet to sink in. I pray God that you would have it overwhelm me, tell me my new word. And when that happens I pray I shower you with grateful tears when I finally hear it.
Thankfully, the little beast went to bed at 9 and I could emerge from cocoon of 'silence' and take a break. I was so out of sync at that point though I watched some TV. Probably not the best move on my part but that's what I did nonetheless. After that stumble, I picked up a book I just finished reading. It's called When God Is Silent by Luis Martinez, he was the catholic archbishop of Mexico City in the mid nineteen hundreds. I wasn't sure what to expect when I first started reading it. And indeed his language is a bit flowery for my taste at times, but there were some very wise words as well.
Here are a couple of things I picked up:
'If we want to attain silence in the interior of our hearts, we ought to begin by investigating the causes of the clamor within us. Ordinarily, there are 2 causes of interior noise: the imagination and the heart.'
( He describes the imagination noise as those fleeting thoughts that take us away from our intended thoughts and focus. We go down this bunny trail or that and have to keep refocusing.)
But he says when the source is our heart 'how difficult it is to be recollected, and how tense is our whole soul! … When we are under the stress of some particular emotion such as love, fear, desire, or anger,, we cannot compose our spirit; our soul seems like a city full of noise… When we suffer, pain produces a constant monotonous noise; a single word is spoken to us, but it is a word that disturbs our entire being.'
Well as I read this I felt like I was understood. Someone got how I have been feeling. I wondered at my ' word ' … the one that has disturbed my entire being. It seems obvious now that it was 'shame'. It has disrupted everything. It has directed much of my life - and not in a good way - making me bend and move in ways contrary to my calling and identity in Jesus. The ' I'm just not worth it ' phrase that has been plaguing me for 30 years has seen its day. I spent the last 6 months in tears trying to get to that dark pit where all this was hiding. I got to the bottom - and cried my eyes out for the entire month of December. Well, it had its turn … now I want a new word to take its place! The tears are gone and I am quiet once again on the inside waiting to be healed - waiting for something new - what shall that be Lord - what is my new word?
I couldn't figure out what the opposite of shame was - so I looked up the antonyms. Shame put simply is humiliation and dishonor. The words they chose as the opposite are pride and honor. Now I don't think pride is going to help me in this instance because having pride in myself will only make this problem worse … but perhaps identity is better - Knowing who I am in Jesus. I am honored by Him, loved by Him, chosen; called a child, a sister of Jesus, a bride.
I am worth it to Jesus. I can't fully wrap my brain around that. I know I am full of sin and sometimes that sin feels so overwhelming and painful. But He came for me. He called me before the foundation of the world and even as Jesus died on the cross - He thought of MY rescue - He thought of me. That's amazing... and has yet to sink in. I pray God that you would have it overwhelm me, tell me my new word. And when that happens I pray I shower you with grateful tears when I finally hear it.
Thursday, January 29, 2015
residence
I'm away. I was supposed to go visit a dear friend this week but she ended up needed to move. So we postponed. But in its stead I hatched a plan to go away by myself and be quiet. So here I sit in a huge 3 bedroom condo waiting on God for the next couple of days.
I feel like I am supposed to take up RESIDENCE in the silence.
This is a very hard thing to achieve for me. Have you ever heard that sound when you are all alone and there seems to be no noise at all but a loud ringing in your ears. What is that? What ever it is, I fear in part of my soul that God will continue to be silent and that ringing will be all that I hear… and the silence will continue.
Right now and for the last hour or more I have been listening to worship music … in search of SOMETHING that speaks to me. A place to center my thoughts. Each time I attempt to pray all my thoughts - (anytime I try to focus in on a vision of God, an idea, a verse, a prayer) - seem to get swept away.
I am not afraid to be alone or quiet… in fact I generally crave that. I think that's because anytime I did -before this time of God's silence … He showed up. I heard Him - intimacy followed. We talked and I learned and grew. I loved being with Him. Worship came easily. Reading His word was a delight. Now none of those things are true.
So how do I press ahead? What does it mean to take up residence in silence? How do I embrace something that seems like nothing?
Here is what I HAVE TO believe:
I have to know that He loves me. God the Father delights in me. He sent Jesus to die for me! So we can be in intimate fellowship.
That even though I don't/can't FEEL intimate with Him --- He has NEVER stopped being intimate with me. He knows me, He goes before and behind me, He is standing next to me, He is closer than my breath. He knows my thoughts, my heart, my sinful ugliness --- and is still intimate with me because of Jesus.
That THIS has purpose. He is doing something. He is changing me - somehow. He just hasn't revealed it to me YET. And someday soon - perhaps not as soon as I would like! - but SOON this will be revealed!! His plan is good. It is for MY good. It is for HIS Kingdom.
I have to take these things with me into the silence. I have to trust Him to take me into it. I have to grip these truths and hold tight to them - wash them over my mind again and again. And just live in the silence.
This song has been an awesome song to sing with this afternoon:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5rMNIDW8Vho
Thursday, January 15, 2015
burned
I wish I could say I was feeling hopeful today … But I am simply NOT. I turn 40 on Saturday. I am dreading that day. I really have no desire to celebrate or even acknowledge it. I told my husband not to do anything or say anything to anyone. Damn stupid Facebook … I will be avoiding that for the entirety of the day. We were supposed to go out that night as a family but in my desire to avoid it … we went out on Tuesday night instead. Hopefully, the day can pass and I won't notice it much.
Why all the fuss? I have been wondering to. But even as I write - I know what it is. I feel like my life has been fairly wasteful and useless. I haven't met any of the goals I wanted to achieve by this point in my life. Even as I write this … I know I SHOULDN'T feel this way … but I can't change how I feel. I have to own it.
I realized today as I was running errands … that as I looked at all my shame in the face and thought I had gotten to the bottom… that I hadn't actually hit the bottom. The shame I experienced was not mine - it was shared and borrowed from from family - especially my parents. The core belief that I took away from that was - that I just wasn't worth it. I wasn't worth it to them to say the things that needed to be said - that needed to be done - that needed to be forgiven. But what I didn't realize is that I took that on and not only wore the shame they handed me, but I believed it as if it were my own thought. I took the shame and internalized it so deeply that I agreed with it - I called it true - I said 'yup that's right - I am just not worth it. 'My own soul said, 'I am just not worth it' - to myself. So everything that oozes out of me is from this awful place of self-hatred. I knew I hated myself … I just didn't get why. Now I know…. great.
What the hell am I supposed to do with that?
In my heart today I was screaming at God. I was swearing at Him. I am just so angry … why do I have to go through this shit. I am so done … I'm burned. My soul feels dead. I have zero joy. Truly, it's hard to know why I am still here … It's like I should be invisible.
And then I wonder WHY it hurts soooo much STILL. Seriously, this is old crap - like 30 years ago. And all stems from my parents divorce mess … which in this day and age seems like no big deal. How can I possibly still be dealing with this? It pisses me off.
Then I wonder why God hasn't come to the rescue yet? Why He keeps leaving me lost in my crap - drowning - not knowing how to swim? Why all the silence? … when You know full well that silence in my poor stupid brain - somehow equals me being shameful. And why no matter how hard I try and speak the truth to myself - it never seems to matter? Nothing penetrates.
Damn it - I'm done. So done.
Then I remember that Jesus is the only one who has the words of eternal life. He died for me. He chose me. He says I am made alive in Him. Well then … I want to FEEL it !!!! I want to KNOW it. I want to BE it!
You have given this gift to others … why not me? I think of Hudson Taylor, and Andrew Murray, and George Mueller, Brother Lawrence, Frank Laubach, and others I have only read about. Why not me? Please reveal, please supersede. Please work, please change. Please transform, please resurrect. Please let me feel you near again. The char on my soul is taking over. I am long past done.
Why all the fuss? I have been wondering to. But even as I write - I know what it is. I feel like my life has been fairly wasteful and useless. I haven't met any of the goals I wanted to achieve by this point in my life. Even as I write this … I know I SHOULDN'T feel this way … but I can't change how I feel. I have to own it.
I realized today as I was running errands … that as I looked at all my shame in the face and thought I had gotten to the bottom… that I hadn't actually hit the bottom. The shame I experienced was not mine - it was shared and borrowed from from family - especially my parents. The core belief that I took away from that was - that I just wasn't worth it. I wasn't worth it to them to say the things that needed to be said - that needed to be done - that needed to be forgiven. But what I didn't realize is that I took that on and not only wore the shame they handed me, but I believed it as if it were my own thought. I took the shame and internalized it so deeply that I agreed with it - I called it true - I said 'yup that's right - I am just not worth it. 'My own soul said, 'I am just not worth it' - to myself. So everything that oozes out of me is from this awful place of self-hatred. I knew I hated myself … I just didn't get why. Now I know…. great.
What the hell am I supposed to do with that?
In my heart today I was screaming at God. I was swearing at Him. I am just so angry … why do I have to go through this shit. I am so done … I'm burned. My soul feels dead. I have zero joy. Truly, it's hard to know why I am still here … It's like I should be invisible.
And then I wonder WHY it hurts soooo much STILL. Seriously, this is old crap - like 30 years ago. And all stems from my parents divorce mess … which in this day and age seems like no big deal. How can I possibly still be dealing with this? It pisses me off.
Then I wonder why God hasn't come to the rescue yet? Why He keeps leaving me lost in my crap - drowning - not knowing how to swim? Why all the silence? … when You know full well that silence in my poor stupid brain - somehow equals me being shameful. And why no matter how hard I try and speak the truth to myself - it never seems to matter? Nothing penetrates.
Damn it - I'm done. So done.
Then I remember that Jesus is the only one who has the words of eternal life. He died for me. He chose me. He says I am made alive in Him. Well then … I want to FEEL it !!!! I want to KNOW it. I want to BE it!
You have given this gift to others … why not me? I think of Hudson Taylor, and Andrew Murray, and George Mueller, Brother Lawrence, Frank Laubach, and others I have only read about. Why not me? Please reveal, please supersede. Please work, please change. Please transform, please resurrect. Please let me feel you near again. The char on my soul is taking over. I am long past done.
Monday, January 5, 2015
roadsigns
It's been awhile.
December sucked.
I cried so much.
We as a household had to deal with feline scabies 2 days before Christmas! I had bugs living on me burrowing under my skin!! That is a whole other story … but even after killing off the bugs I was afflicted with an allergic itch for 2 weeks afterward. A skin crawling - can't go out on New Years Eve - kind of itch. Super fun.
Did I mention December sucked?
It is now January. I turn 40 this month. I weigh - WAY more than I wanted to as I turn 40.
But it's 2015 … a whole new year. I can only think that since I have been so low … perhaps there is no where to go but up. I'm hopeful.
I've realized as I wrote last time that God is at work in this desperation. And I am hopeful I will begin to get answers about it all in the months ahead. Here is an email I sent to a friend just today about looking back over the roadsigns of the last year:
I'm def not sure how long is long enough to be desperate. I am no expert. I've been living in this desert for 18 months now and I really want out … soooooo badly. But I keep looking back over the few things that I have heard from God over these 18months and they are all --- wait. I can't say that my answer is your answer though either … but here is what I know for sure that He said for me. 1 - that I am supposed to Homeschool… even though it is not the love of my heart … and it came just as I was supposed to be rid of them all in school!! There are many days I dread my life and what I do everyday. Getting back into things after Christmas and having most of December off was overwhelming - I cried about that with Phil just the other day. 2. that last january when I thought I couldn't go on any further with life as it was - my sin was so overwhelming during the first few months of HS … I just wanted to quit. We went away on retreat and I just begged God to give me some word on it - some peace somewhere in life. He spoke for a tiny bit … and it was … 'This is what I have for you now. … You asked to love your family better - this is the answer I have given'. … thank God He provided a measure of peace in my heart for the rest of that school year. Enough even for me to do it again this year! 3. fasting during lent … I heard God say - I want you hungry. I think I am still learning what this one means … both for my physical struggle with food and my spiritual hunger. 4. In the summer during worship God gave me a vision of myself lost as He watched over me from a distance …. He then spoke as I felt His arms around me, He said … I've got you. Then proceeded to usher me down months of dealing with my deep shame issues…. of which I still do not feel healed from. I think I cried more in the month of December than I ever had in my whole life. and 5. This came early on in the shame struggle - but the verse from Is 41:17-20 … about terraforming - God is remaking the landscape. My interior landscape and the Spiritual landscape as a whole … He is doing something NEW. In me - in everyone…. change is coming.
It seems that God has given me these road signs. They all seem to say - keep pressing in, wait, don't give up. I am here. I am at work. hunger is good. Desperation is what I want for you right now. Deal with shame …. the list of ugly seems endless. I want no part of it - but when I finally stopped fighting what felt so awful … at least I knew I was getting through it and no longer avoiding it.
What are your roadsigns? Are you avoiding something that God is trying to reveal? Because I get it … desperation sucks. Waiting sucks. Feeling this way for so long sucks. But the longer I avoid - the longer it takes - right? This however does NOT mean I didn't take mental health days for my self … I blew off whole days in front of the TV - just to get a break from my own relentless thoughts. I ate things when I knew full on - I was using it as comfort. And even though scripture is as flat and dull as possible, I still tried to dig in and read a ton of it. I still cry out to God each morning and before I fall asleep. I try to be thankful in prayer and pray for others even though my prayers all feel useless and lifeless.
But nothing much has happened - whether I waisted the day or did something 'right'. I am still here waiting…. looking at my roadsigns again… wondering what God is up to. It's frustrating but I have to keep my eyes focused on Him and my mind remembering what is true. He is doing something. He does love me. This has purpose.
--- nothing much to be said after that. Roadsigns. Keeping myself fixed on Jesus and His promises. Waiting to be healed.
December sucked.
I cried so much.
We as a household had to deal with feline scabies 2 days before Christmas! I had bugs living on me burrowing under my skin!! That is a whole other story … but even after killing off the bugs I was afflicted with an allergic itch for 2 weeks afterward. A skin crawling - can't go out on New Years Eve - kind of itch. Super fun.
Did I mention December sucked?
It is now January. I turn 40 this month. I weigh - WAY more than I wanted to as I turn 40.
But it's 2015 … a whole new year. I can only think that since I have been so low … perhaps there is no where to go but up. I'm hopeful.
I've realized as I wrote last time that God is at work in this desperation. And I am hopeful I will begin to get answers about it all in the months ahead. Here is an email I sent to a friend just today about looking back over the roadsigns of the last year:
I'm def not sure how long is long enough to be desperate. I am no expert. I've been living in this desert for 18 months now and I really want out … soooooo badly. But I keep looking back over the few things that I have heard from God over these 18months and they are all --- wait. I can't say that my answer is your answer though either … but here is what I know for sure that He said for me. 1 - that I am supposed to Homeschool… even though it is not the love of my heart … and it came just as I was supposed to be rid of them all in school!! There are many days I dread my life and what I do everyday. Getting back into things after Christmas and having most of December off was overwhelming - I cried about that with Phil just the other day. 2. that last january when I thought I couldn't go on any further with life as it was - my sin was so overwhelming during the first few months of HS … I just wanted to quit. We went away on retreat and I just begged God to give me some word on it - some peace somewhere in life. He spoke for a tiny bit … and it was … 'This is what I have for you now. … You asked to love your family better - this is the answer I have given'. … thank God He provided a measure of peace in my heart for the rest of that school year. Enough even for me to do it again this year! 3. fasting during lent … I heard God say - I want you hungry. I think I am still learning what this one means … both for my physical struggle with food and my spiritual hunger. 4. In the summer during worship God gave me a vision of myself lost as He watched over me from a distance …. He then spoke as I felt His arms around me, He said … I've got you. Then proceeded to usher me down months of dealing with my deep shame issues…. of which I still do not feel healed from. I think I cried more in the month of December than I ever had in my whole life. and 5. This came early on in the shame struggle - but the verse from Is 41:17-20 … about terraforming - God is remaking the landscape. My interior landscape and the Spiritual landscape as a whole … He is doing something NEW. In me - in everyone…. change is coming.
It seems that God has given me these road signs. They all seem to say - keep pressing in, wait, don't give up. I am here. I am at work. hunger is good. Desperation is what I want for you right now. Deal with shame …. the list of ugly seems endless. I want no part of it - but when I finally stopped fighting what felt so awful … at least I knew I was getting through it and no longer avoiding it.
What are your roadsigns? Are you avoiding something that God is trying to reveal? Because I get it … desperation sucks. Waiting sucks. Feeling this way for so long sucks. But the longer I avoid - the longer it takes - right? This however does NOT mean I didn't take mental health days for my self … I blew off whole days in front of the TV - just to get a break from my own relentless thoughts. I ate things when I knew full on - I was using it as comfort. And even though scripture is as flat and dull as possible, I still tried to dig in and read a ton of it. I still cry out to God each morning and before I fall asleep. I try to be thankful in prayer and pray for others even though my prayers all feel useless and lifeless.
But nothing much has happened - whether I waisted the day or did something 'right'. I am still here waiting…. looking at my roadsigns again… wondering what God is up to. It's frustrating but I have to keep my eyes focused on Him and my mind remembering what is true. He is doing something. He does love me. This has purpose.
--- nothing much to be said after that. Roadsigns. Keeping myself fixed on Jesus and His promises. Waiting to be healed.
Thursday, December 18, 2014
come supersede
The crying has continued. On Monday we had a party to go to and I had to get dressed up. But nothing fit … and I felt ugly and awful. I didn't want to go … I wanted to stay home but my husband wouldn't let me… he was gentle but wouldn't let me go curl up in bed and watch TV. On the car ride to the party tears just steamed down my face the whole time.
The feelings of ugliness are just the beginning thoughts that led me to cry. I dwell on them for even the shortest minute and they seem to unleash something deeper inside. Then all I want to do is hide. No way did I want to go to a party to be seen by people and answer the dreaded question, ' How are you? ' It seems that people ask that question in kindness and yet thoughtlessness. They want the conversation to continue past - 'fine' and 'good' - to the happenings of life. But I can't be dishonest about what is happening in life right now - it would be such a lie! So I answer the seemingly benign question with, 'not good… but that's fine - How are YOU?' But they in their niceness - always follow up to my 'not good' answer, and ask more questions which just make the tears flow out more. Then they really don't know what to do! They ask 'why' and it's all too much to talk about … truly too much… so I tell them it's too much and just say it's a spiritual problem … and they end up saying they will pray for me… and the conversation finally moves on. Ahhh relief. At least relief from answering what are supposed to be the easy questions in life.
On that car ride to the party I just kept wondering when God would come and rescue me from myself. When will His thoughts supersede my own? When will His thoughts matter to my heart more than my own? I can try and cram scripture in … but it doesn't speak to me now. I can try and pray against unbelief … but I have and yet the tears still come. I have prayed against fear … and yet I still wake up anxious. I have prayed for deep healing … yet I still wait. NOT because I want to stay like this … because nothing could be further from the truth. I want this done … healed … I am sooooo ready to move on.
So what I keep coming back to … is that God wants me here. In this. This place of desperate tears, desperate need, desperate for Him.
I don't understand why… but what else is to be said. I wouldn't be here if He didn't want me here… not after all the praying and searching and listening I have put into this. He is allowing Satan to have his way and attack me. Thankfully, it is not like Job - who lost all of his kids and livelihood. Though I suppose there could still be more to come … but for some reason I feel assured of God's protection on that. BUT attack has come … it was easy to fend off attacks about bulimia, and anorexia, and suicide. Those were obvious to see and shoot down. The ones that are really hard … believing that I am favored by God… Just like Mary was. The angel came to her and called her favored one. Also, that He counts me worth it. Worth the effort to come to earth… when no one else would have, even though my parents didn't count me worth it to say or do much of anything right. Or to remember that I am dearly loved by Him. I feel loved in the overall - He is my Savior - I am forgiven way. But not in the - YOU are MY bride and My Beloved - kind of way. That is way harder to believe.
I continually confess these hard to believe things … and I keep waiting for Jesus to come and supersede my thoughts with His. I am waiting for revelation … waiting for that moment when I will just KNOW that He is right. IT WILL be glorious!
He has already done everything for me … It is finished - all of it. Now I just have to wait for it to unfold in this process of sanctification. Waiting is hard. BUT it WILL be GLORIOUS!
This song below has been the only one to touch my dull soul in this Christmas season … it speaks to my great longing for Jesus to come.
Glory Be
It was the longest night, the world was waiting
Eager for the light, the world was waiting
O come, come Messiah
Sing for joy, all the earth, Messiah’s come to set you free!
Join the angels in their song
Glory Be Glory Be
It was the longest night, my heart was waiting
Hallelujah, the Lord of life has come
To reconcile the nations to their God
Hallelujah, he’s coming back again
To finish was began at Bethlehem
O Come, Come Messiah
Hallelujah
The feelings of ugliness are just the beginning thoughts that led me to cry. I dwell on them for even the shortest minute and they seem to unleash something deeper inside. Then all I want to do is hide. No way did I want to go to a party to be seen by people and answer the dreaded question, ' How are you? ' It seems that people ask that question in kindness and yet thoughtlessness. They want the conversation to continue past - 'fine' and 'good' - to the happenings of life. But I can't be dishonest about what is happening in life right now - it would be such a lie! So I answer the seemingly benign question with, 'not good… but that's fine - How are YOU?' But they in their niceness - always follow up to my 'not good' answer, and ask more questions which just make the tears flow out more. Then they really don't know what to do! They ask 'why' and it's all too much to talk about … truly too much… so I tell them it's too much and just say it's a spiritual problem … and they end up saying they will pray for me… and the conversation finally moves on. Ahhh relief. At least relief from answering what are supposed to be the easy questions in life.
On that car ride to the party I just kept wondering when God would come and rescue me from myself. When will His thoughts supersede my own? When will His thoughts matter to my heart more than my own? I can try and cram scripture in … but it doesn't speak to me now. I can try and pray against unbelief … but I have and yet the tears still come. I have prayed against fear … and yet I still wake up anxious. I have prayed for deep healing … yet I still wait. NOT because I want to stay like this … because nothing could be further from the truth. I want this done … healed … I am sooooo ready to move on.
So what I keep coming back to … is that God wants me here. In this. This place of desperate tears, desperate need, desperate for Him.
I don't understand why… but what else is to be said. I wouldn't be here if He didn't want me here… not after all the praying and searching and listening I have put into this. He is allowing Satan to have his way and attack me. Thankfully, it is not like Job - who lost all of his kids and livelihood. Though I suppose there could still be more to come … but for some reason I feel assured of God's protection on that. BUT attack has come … it was easy to fend off attacks about bulimia, and anorexia, and suicide. Those were obvious to see and shoot down. The ones that are really hard … believing that I am favored by God… Just like Mary was. The angel came to her and called her favored one. Also, that He counts me worth it. Worth the effort to come to earth… when no one else would have, even though my parents didn't count me worth it to say or do much of anything right. Or to remember that I am dearly loved by Him. I feel loved in the overall - He is my Savior - I am forgiven way. But not in the - YOU are MY bride and My Beloved - kind of way. That is way harder to believe.
I continually confess these hard to believe things … and I keep waiting for Jesus to come and supersede my thoughts with His. I am waiting for revelation … waiting for that moment when I will just KNOW that He is right. IT WILL be glorious!
He has already done everything for me … It is finished - all of it. Now I just have to wait for it to unfold in this process of sanctification. Waiting is hard. BUT it WILL be GLORIOUS!
This song below has been the only one to touch my dull soul in this Christmas season … it speaks to my great longing for Jesus to come.
Glory Be
It was the longest night, the world was waiting
Eager for the light, the world was waiting
O come, come Messiah
Sing for joy, all the earth, Messiah’s come to set you free!
Join the angels in their song
Glory Be Glory Be
It was the longest night, my heart was waiting
Hallelujah, the Lord of life has come
To reconcile the nations to their God
Hallelujah, he’s coming back again
To finish was began at Bethlehem
O Come, Come Messiah
Hallelujah
Thursday, December 11, 2014
gold
Soooo stuck at the bottom. Over my head in mud and shit.
This past week has been a firestorm of depression, and PMS, and self hatred. It was my husband's 40th Birthday on Sunday (which means mine is coming in January) and I could barely contain tears all day. At one point I couldn't contain them at all, and hid in my closet to weep quietly while my husband and kids decorated the tree. I don't even know what they were for … but I could not stop... I am just sad all of the time. And it would seem - there is nothing to be done about it.
I keep going over and over it all again in my head. Looking for sin, looking for unbelief. Am I coming before the Lord enough, reading enough, looking at scripture? Am I praying enough … for myself, for others? Am I being grateful? Am I trying to eat well - or well enough? Am I getting enough exercise? Listening to enough worship music? Am I presenting myself to the Lord enough?
How much is enough?
I truly don't know.
I am doing all the things I should do. Maybe not as much as I should, but I am still doing them. I do it all, even though I get no return from it. I don't feel engaged or enriched spiritually or even intellectually. I don't feel closer to the Lord or closer to any answers as to the 'why' of all of this.
I just feel stuck… shame and self-hatred are still surrounding me. And I have no answers, no leads, no where to go.
I met with a friend yesterday just to talk it all through … spilled it all out … and even she was at a loss. She did suggest I hire a maid to keep the rest of my life in order during this time ( which seemed like a great idea to me :) ) but alas my husband did not think it such a great idea.
I just have to wait.
I just have to wait.
I JUST HAVE TO WAIT.
i just have to wait
I just read this in Job today and at least I could relate:
“Behold, I go forward, but he is not there,
and backward, but I do not perceive him;
on the left hand when he is working, I do not behold him;
he turns to the right hand, but I do not see him.
But he knows the way that I take;
when he has tried me, I shall come out as gold.
My foot has held fast to his steps;
I have kept his way and have not turned aside.
I have not departed from the commandment of his lips;
I have treasured the words of his mouth more than my portion of food.
But he is unchangeable, and who can turn him back?
What he desires, that he does.
For he will complete what he appoints for me,
and many such things are in his mind. Job 23:8-14
I guess in the waiting, as I can keep reminding myself that HE must rescue, HE must reveal, HE must change me… that when He is done testing me … I will come out as GOLD.
Gold.
I don't even really care about me being gold as much as I long for intimacy with Jesus again. Being gold would be nice - though I can't truly imagine it. But to hear Him again, feel Him near… that is what I want.
This past week has been a firestorm of depression, and PMS, and self hatred. It was my husband's 40th Birthday on Sunday (which means mine is coming in January) and I could barely contain tears all day. At one point I couldn't contain them at all, and hid in my closet to weep quietly while my husband and kids decorated the tree. I don't even know what they were for … but I could not stop... I am just sad all of the time. And it would seem - there is nothing to be done about it.
I keep going over and over it all again in my head. Looking for sin, looking for unbelief. Am I coming before the Lord enough, reading enough, looking at scripture? Am I praying enough … for myself, for others? Am I being grateful? Am I trying to eat well - or well enough? Am I getting enough exercise? Listening to enough worship music? Am I presenting myself to the Lord enough?
How much is enough?
I truly don't know.
I am doing all the things I should do. Maybe not as much as I should, but I am still doing them. I do it all, even though I get no return from it. I don't feel engaged or enriched spiritually or even intellectually. I don't feel closer to the Lord or closer to any answers as to the 'why' of all of this.
I just feel stuck… shame and self-hatred are still surrounding me. And I have no answers, no leads, no where to go.
I met with a friend yesterday just to talk it all through … spilled it all out … and even she was at a loss. She did suggest I hire a maid to keep the rest of my life in order during this time ( which seemed like a great idea to me :) ) but alas my husband did not think it such a great idea.
I just have to wait.
I just have to wait.
I JUST HAVE TO WAIT.
i just have to wait
I just read this in Job today and at least I could relate:
“Behold, I go forward, but he is not there,
and backward, but I do not perceive him;
on the left hand when he is working, I do not behold him;
he turns to the right hand, but I do not see him.
But he knows the way that I take;
when he has tried me, I shall come out as gold.
My foot has held fast to his steps;
I have kept his way and have not turned aside.
I have not departed from the commandment of his lips;
I have treasured the words of his mouth more than my portion of food.
But he is unchangeable, and who can turn him back?
What he desires, that he does.
For he will complete what he appoints for me,
and many such things are in his mind. Job 23:8-14
I guess in the waiting, as I can keep reminding myself that HE must rescue, HE must reveal, HE must change me… that when He is done testing me … I will come out as GOLD.
Gold.
I don't even really care about me being gold as much as I long for intimacy with Jesus again. Being gold would be nice - though I can't truly imagine it. But to hear Him again, feel Him near… that is what I want.
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