residence

I'm away. I was supposed to go visit a dear friend this week but she ended up needed to move. So we postponed. But in its stead I hatched a plan to go away by myself and be quiet. So here I sit in a huge 3 bedroom condo waiting on God for the next couple of days.

I feel like I am supposed to take up RESIDENCE in the silence. 

This is a very hard thing to achieve for me. Have you ever heard that sound when you are all alone and there seems to be no noise at all but a loud ringing in your ears. What is that?  What ever it is, I fear in part of my soul that God will continue to be silent and that ringing will be all that I hear… and the silence will continue.

Right now and for the last hour or more I have been listening to worship music … in search of SOMETHING that speaks to me. A place to center my thoughts. Each time I attempt to pray all my thoughts - (anytime I try to focus in on a vision of God, an idea, a verse, a prayer)  - seem to get swept away. 

I am not afraid to be alone or quiet… in fact I generally crave that. I think that's because anytime I did -before this time of God's silence … He showed up. I heard Him - intimacy followed. We talked and I learned and grew. I loved being with Him. Worship came easily. Reading His word was a delight. Now none of those things are true. 

So how do I press ahead? What does it mean to take up residence in silence? How do I embrace something that seems like nothing?

Here is what I HAVE TO believe: 

I have to know that He loves me. God the Father delights in me. He sent Jesus to die for me! So we can be in intimate fellowship.

That even though I don't/can't FEEL intimate with Him --- He has NEVER stopped being intimate with me. He knows me, He goes before and behind me, He is standing next to me, He is closer than my breath. He knows my thoughts, my heart, my sinful ugliness --- and is still intimate with me because of Jesus.

That THIS has purpose. He is doing something. He is changing me - somehow. He just hasn't revealed it to me YET. And someday soon - perhaps not as soon as I would like! - but SOON this will be revealed!! His plan is good. It is for MY good. It is for HIS Kingdom. 

I have to take these things with me into the silence. I have to trust Him to take me into it. I have to grip these truths and hold tight to them - wash them over my mind again and again. And just live in the silence. 

This song has been an awesome song to sing with this afternoon:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5rMNIDW8Vho