roadsigns

It's been awhile.

December sucked.

I cried so much.

We as a household had to deal with feline scabies 2 days before Christmas! I had bugs living on me burrowing under my skin!! That is a whole other story … but even after killing off the bugs I was afflicted with an allergic itch for 2 weeks afterward. A skin crawling - can't go out on New Years Eve - kind of itch. Super fun.

Did I mention December sucked?

It is now January. I turn 40 this month. I weigh - WAY more than I wanted to as I turn 40.

But it's 2015 … a whole new year. I can only think that since I have been so low … perhaps there is no where to go but up. I'm hopeful.

I've realized as I wrote last time that God is at work in this desperation. And I am hopeful I will begin to get answers about it all in the months ahead. Here is an email I sent to a friend just today about looking back over the roadsigns of the last year:


I'm def not sure how long is long enough to be desperate. I am no expert. I've been living in this desert for 18 months now and I really want out … soooooo badly. But I keep looking back over the few things that I have heard from God over these 18months and they are all --- wait. I can't say that my answer is your answer though either … but here is what I know for sure that He said for me. 1 - that I am supposed to Homeschool… even though it is not the love of my heart … and it came just as I was supposed to be rid of them all in school!! There are many days I dread my life and what I do everyday. Getting back into things after Christmas and having most of December off was overwhelming - I cried about that with Phil just the other day. 2. that last january when I thought I couldn't go on any further with life as it was - my sin was so overwhelming during the first few months of HS … I just wanted to quit. We went away on retreat and I just begged God to give me some word on it - some peace somewhere in life. He spoke for a tiny bit … and it was … 'This is what I have for you now. … You asked to love your family better - this is the answer I have given'. … thank God He provided a measure of peace in my heart for the rest of that school year. Enough even  for me to do it again this year! 3. fasting during lent … I heard God say - I want you hungry.  I think I am still learning what this one means … both for my physical struggle with food and my spiritual hunger. 4. In the summer during worship God gave me a vision of myself lost as He watched over me from a distance …. He then spoke as I felt His arms around me, He said … I've got you. Then proceeded to usher me down months of dealing with my deep shame issues…. of which I still do not feel healed from. I think I cried more in the month of December than I ever had in my whole life. and 5. This came early on in the shame struggle - but the verse from Is 41:17-20 … about terraforming - God is remaking the landscape. My interior landscape and the Spiritual landscape as a whole … He is doing something NEW. In me - in everyone…. change is coming.
It seems that God has given me these road signs. They all seem to say - keep pressing in, wait, don't give up. I am here. I am at work. hunger is good. Desperation is what I want for you right now. Deal with shame …. the list of ugly seems endless. I want no part of it - but when I finally stopped fighting what felt so awful … at least I knew I was getting through it and no longer avoiding it.

What are your roadsigns? Are you avoiding something that God is trying to reveal? Because I get it … desperation sucks. Waiting sucks. Feeling this way for so long sucks. But the longer I avoid - the longer it takes - right? This however does NOT mean I didn't take mental health days for my self … I blew off whole days in front of the TV - just to get a break from my own relentless thoughts. I ate things when I knew full on - I was using it as comfort. And even though scripture is as flat and dull as possible, I still tried to dig in and read a ton of it. I still cry out to God each morning and before I fall asleep. I try to be thankful in prayer and pray for others even though my prayers all feel useless and lifeless.

But nothing much has happened - whether I waisted the day or did something 'right'. I am still here waiting…. looking at my roadsigns again… wondering what God is up to. It's frustrating but I have to keep my eyes focused on Him and my mind remembering what is true. He is doing something. He does love me. This has purpose.


--- nothing much to be said after that. Roadsigns. Keeping myself fixed on Jesus and His promises. Waiting to be healed.