a single word

Well I tried on some silence last night. It didn't go very well. The insulation between floors here is not awesome. There was some manner of toddler in the room above mine that was tapping around in what I can only imagine were horrible plastic princess shoes. It didn't sound just like tapping though - it was so beyond just tapping! I think it may have penetrated into my very soul. Irritation welled up in me … and no amount of prayer or wishing for it to stop seemed to help. I tried to concentrate despite the distraction. I tried to concentrate on the throne and give my prayers of thankfulness. I tried to concentrate on what I know, I tried to ask God what He wants me to spend my time thinking on. But mostly, I was irritated.

Thankfully, the little beast went to bed at 9 and I could emerge from cocoon of 'silence' and take a break. I was so out of sync at that point though I watched some TV. Probably not the best move on my part but that's what I did nonetheless. After that stumble, I picked up a book I just finished reading. It's called When God Is Silent by Luis Martinez, he was the catholic archbishop of Mexico City in the mid nineteen hundreds. I wasn't sure what to expect when I first started reading it. And indeed his language is a bit flowery for my taste at times, but there were some very wise words as well.

Here are a couple of things I picked up:

'If we want to attain silence in the interior of our hearts, we ought to begin by investigating the causes of the clamor within us. Ordinarily, there are 2 causes of interior noise: the imagination and the heart.' 

( He describes the imagination noise as those fleeting thoughts that take us away from our intended thoughts and focus. We go down this bunny trail or that and have to keep refocusing.)

But he says when the source is our heart 'how difficult it is to be recollected, and how tense is our whole soul! … When we are under the stress of some particular emotion such as love, fear, desire, or anger,, we cannot compose our spirit; our soul seems like a city full of noise… When we suffer, pain produces a constant monotonous noise; a single word is spoken to us, but it is a word that disturbs our entire being.'

Well as I read this I felt like I was understood. Someone got how I have been feeling. I wondered at my ' word ' … the one that has disturbed my entire being. It seems obvious now that it was 'shame'. It has disrupted everything. It has directed much of my life - and not in a good way - making me bend and move in ways contrary to my calling and identity in Jesus. The ' I'm just not worth it ' phrase that has been plaguing me for 30 years has seen its day. I spent the last 6 months in tears trying to get to that dark pit where all this was hiding. I got to the bottom - and cried my eyes out for the entire month of December. Well, it had its turn … now I want a new word to take its place! The tears are gone and I am quiet once again on the inside waiting to be healed - waiting for something new - what shall that be Lord - what is my new word?

I couldn't figure out what the opposite of shame was - so I looked up the antonyms. Shame put simply is humiliation and dishonor. The words they chose as the opposite are pride and honor. Now I don't think pride is going to help me in this instance because having pride in myself will only make this problem worse … but perhaps identity is better - Knowing who I am in Jesus. I am honored by Him, loved by Him, chosen; called a child, a sister of Jesus, a bride. 

I am worth it to Jesus. I can't fully wrap my brain around that. I know I am full of sin and sometimes that sin feels so overwhelming and painful. But He came for me. He called me before the foundation of the world and even as Jesus died on the cross - He thought of MY rescue - He thought of me. That's amazing... and has yet to sink in. I pray God that you would have it overwhelm me, tell me my new word. And when that happens I pray I shower you with grateful tears when I finally hear it.