(my thoughts) part 2

So now for the action plan. I am ready for this idol to die. I am ready to take an ax to this idol. To pull down the 'high places' as it says in Kings and Chronicles again and again. I want no room for this idol to be left in me. 

Lent is around the corner... March 5th is Ash Wednesday. It seems a good time to devote some more time to Jesus. Lent is meant as a time of contemplation, sacrifice and reflection. The giving up is never meant to just be for the 40 days - but is meant to extend for the rest of your life. So giving up chocolate is out of the question! Because I think I might need that to survive. It is just a little bit of heaven here on earth... Anyway.... so for Lent I plan to do some serious fasting. 

So in part 1 of this post I started by sharing something one of the counseling ladies at my Medifast center asked ... What I want to do (since I haven't lost any weight) How do you want to continue, and why I was even there. So I pondered and began to hatch a plan. 

I knew Lent was coming up and I asked if they had a plan for fasting ... she said 'no' but if I wanted to do it - I could make my own plan. I thought of fasting instantly, but for less spiritual reasons than one might imagine - mostly I am sick of thinking about food - and it sounds nice to have a break from concerning myself with it altogether. But as that thought broke through inside me I said - YES - that IS exactly what I need. 

So I plan to fast for 2 to 3 days stretches each week during Lent. It will vary depending on the week. Because I have so many evening obligations that might have me cooking or going to someones house for dinner, and my mom and step father are rolling into town for a weekend; it seemed too hard to try and nail down a specific stretch of time - at the same time each week. So It will fall into each week as it fits the best. That way I won't have to explain to my sometimes crazy mother what I am up to, or be eating with people I do not know and tell them why I am not participating. That would add up to more headache than is necessary. 

I also plan to fast from TV during that time - and during lunch breaks. Why add anything else in? I think it is necessary to keep me focused on the task at hand. The point of a fast is not just to remove the thing fasting from, but to replace it with more Jesus time. So TV is an unnecessary distraction... but if the family is watching a movie all together - I will indeed join in. 

I am not sure all that I plan to study - but the story of Jehosephat has been on my mind from 2 Chronicles 17 - 20. I randomly read through it the other day and felt for the first time in a while that this scripture was speaking to me. So I would like to study it - and about some of the other Kings, their idols, the 'high places', and how God blessed their lives as a result of obedience. I am also reading a book on our Union in Christ - called One with Christ by Johnson. This is something that has excited me because this doctrine is SO VERY important and is rarely taught on. This book just got published last year and I am super glad to be learning more. I am also reading Karl Rahner's book Encounters with Silence. His writing is poetic and beautiful and filled with a lot of questions similar to what I ask ... and the answers that he comes to are amazing. I am sure too that I will hit the psalms quite a bit and then be a bit of everywhere as I feel led or moved. It should prove to be interesting ... but I am hoping for much more - I am hoping for FRUIT!!! 

Here are some of the verses that caught my eye ... Lord, rescue.

2 Chron 20: 3,4, 8, 9

 Jehoshaphat was terrified by this news and begged the Lord for guidance. He also ordered everyone in Judah to begin fasting. So people from all the towns of Judah came to Jerusalem to seek the Lord’s help.

Your people settled here and built this Temple to honor your name. They said, ‘Whenever we are faced with any calamity such as war, plague, or famine, we can come to stand in your presence before this Temple where your name is honored. We can cry out to you to save us, and you will hear us and rescue us.’

This somehow did not get posted earlier ... putting it in now... it is from a couple weeks ago...

Sacrifice is hard. It is work. It is daily obedience. It is giving something up that we want to keep.

I read a book a couple of summers ago about a woman - Esther Ann Kim - a woman persecuted during World War 2 in Korea. She was put in jail for years for not bowing down to a false idol. But before she went to prison she had months of 'training' ... time to wait for the inevitable. She memorized massive amount of scripture - whole books of the Bible so she would have it in her heart, she practiced being cold, and practiced eating rotten food so that she would be prepared to be malnourished.

She sacrificed before she needed to - to be ready. My kind of logic would say live it up until you have to ... but she wanted to be prepared. I long for her devotion to Jesus and the path set before her ... she KNEW she was made for that.

Comfort is a serious problem for me. Feeding my desires is a serious problem. Saying 'no' to an urge seems nearly impossible when it comes to food. How do I choose to be uncomfortable when it is not really required of me? No one has a gun to my head, and in fact most people think it is OK to indulge and in fact want you to - so that they too can indulge without feeling guilt. And in the end of the back and forth in my mind ... my flesh WANTS to indulge.

It is a continuous cycle of devotion, confession, prayer and resolve that then bleed into desire, temptation, and giving in; this leads to what seems an unending cycle of sabotage. Sometimes within the same day, sometimes within the same week. I can't help thinking that God is looking in on me so disappointed. The Spirit IS stronger and yet I remain unyielded to Him fully. My Spirit/spirit are wanting what is right, but my flesh is fighting HARD.

I don't know what my path is ... exactly. I don't know the specifics of what I am made for. I know the generals - the things that all believers are called to. Loving Jesus above all else, worshipping Him, bringing Him glory... and yet I feel a continual sense of failure in all of it because of how I handle food. I never feel quiet and at peace. I am always second guessing, always longing for something more.

(my thoughts) part 1

Weekly I go to my weight loss center and weigh in and get my weekly pep talk to keep moving forward. In the last month or 2 not much has changed ... my weigh goes down then back up again - up and down again. Currently I am back at my starting point with them - from back in August. So last week one of the girls who I sit with asked me what I want to do - how I want to proceed ... she asked me why I am there. So I seriously began to wonder why I am there too, and just WHAT I am going to do about it.

The following week was then an exercise in wondering about it. I know in the beginning I came because I really needed to lose weight. I had gained so much since the Spring and I could not continue on the same path. But I also knew that God brought me through these specific Medifast doors and regardless of the crazy money I had to shell out, that my husband said yes - do it. I knew I would need more help then just doing it on my own. But before I even walked through the doors I had lost 12 pounds on my own, by just choosing to eat less and eat healthier, but I knew that could not last - not with my track record.

The last time that I lost a lot of weight - I did it with will power, and a desire to be skinny. I couched it in good desires ... to honor God with my body, and to be healthy. Because I really want those things ... truly I do. But when push came to shove the thing that kept me moving forward was fitting into smaller clothes, feeling prettier, and getting compliments. Not bad things - but not LASTING things.

So here I am again. Still needing to lose weight ... but REALLY wanting to do it for the right reasons. Because if I had done it right the first time around - I wouldn't be here again! And because if I don't get it right this time - I will be back here again far sooner than I would like. I hate that this is my struggle. It seems so small and stupid compared to knowing Jesus. Truly it is small and stupid because that's what my flesh is - small and stupid. I REALLY, REALLY do not want to go through this again. I want to SLAY this idol, put to DEATH theses deeds - of this flesh... I want it gone for good.

One of our pastors today gave an excellent sermon. Much of what He said - I have thought or said to others in counseling, or as I have taught. It was from James 4 ... here's the passage and (my thoughts).


What is causing the quarrels and fights among you? (my internal mess - always bleeds into the external - out of the heart the mouth speaks - right?)
Don’t they come from the evil desires at war within you? (yup - constant battle - totally noisy inside)
You want what you don’t have, so you scheme and kill to get it. (so far no one has died - thankfully!)
You are jealous of what others have, but you can’t get it, so you fight and wage war to take it away from them. ( I definitely want that gift that some women have to be able to eat whatever and not gain weight or even a natural love of what is healthy, or women who like to exercise, or just have energy ... I haven't fought them for it, though I am seriously jealous! - but I have asked/begged/pleaded with God to give to me those same gifts)
Yet you don’t have what you want because you don’t ask God for it. (This is where James would be wrong ... I HAVE asked - a lot - for the last 20 years ... and have gone into battle over this so many times!)
And even when you ask, you don’t get it because your motives are all wrong—you want only what will give you pleasure. ( I just can not buy that my motives are wrong each and every time. In fact I know my motives have been open and honest many times - ready to submit - ready to be obedient ... but certainly there are times when I ask seeking only my pleasure)

You adulterers! (yes, I have an idol in my life - an addiction to the taste of food)
Don’t you realize that friendship with the world makes you an enemy of God? I say it again: If you want to be a friend of the world, you make yourself an enemy of God. ( Yes - I do ... but I am also His adopted daughter - able to approach His throne and receive grace and mercy when I need it most!!! I always wonder how both can be residing in me at the same time! This point is so important that he says it twice!! I don't want to be an enemy - I want my idol gone. I wish it was like a stupid statue that I could take an ax to. )

What do you think the Scriptures mean when they say that the spirit God has placed within us is filled with envy? ( That God wants us all for Him - to worship and adore Him and Him alone - and that is what the Spirit is fighting for!)
But he gives us even more grace to stand against such evil desires. ( If I am being honest I am not feeling this extra grace in this area of my life - unbelief perhaps?)

As the Scriptures say,
“God opposes the proud
    but favors the humble.” ( Here's the thing in the last few years there has not been a time where I thought I could do this on my own. In fact, that is part of my problem - I am waiting on God to show up and give me the revelation I need, the inner transformation that can only come from the Spirit that I need to conquer this. I know I can't get it done. I know that He must do it in me. I have prayed this a bazillion times and now I am waiting and wondering if He will deliver me! - unbelief perhaps?)

So humble yourselves before God. ( Done it ... continuing to do it)
Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. ( This is the part where that extra grace would be SUPER helpful!! I suck at those tiny bites of seemly benign taste that call to me and sabotage and derail everything else.)
Come close to God, and God will come close to you. ( I believe this is true - but alas just because He is close - does not mean He will FEEL close. I know for the last few months that God is with me - that He loves me, BUT He does not feel near - not at all.)
Wash your hands, you sinners; purify your hearts, for your loyalty is divided between God and the world. ( washing again ... God only you can clean me, only you can strip down and kill my idol like you did with Dagon - he broke into pieces, fell on his fake face and bowed before you. Do that to my stupid idol. I do not want this division inside any longer. Free me - please!! Help my areas of unbelief! I confess to you these sins of unbelief - not trusting in your desire and provision of extra grace when I need it! And not trusting You to deliver and heal me. Even though I know they can only come from you ... I don't think you WANT to. But how can you not want an idol to die in me? Forgive me for thinking that you will not answer this prayer. Forgive me for not trusting in your timing in all of this. Forgive me for not waiting faithfully. Forgive me for not thinking that you will help me walk in obedience. Fill me with faith to believe what YOU have said. Fill me with faith to trust your heart for me. Fill me with faith to believe in your greatness and mercy. Fill each of these areas that once held unbelief with the truth and the Spirit. And help me to keep walking in the Spirit each and every day - even if it indeed takes 20 more years to walk this path.)
Let there be tears for what you have done. Let there be sorrow and deep grief. Let there be sadness instead of laughter, and gloom instead of joy. (YES!)
Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up in honor. (Humble me still even more and please please lift me whole again.)

His Good Pleasure

Since  my spiritual retreat earlier this month ... oh wait ... last month - today is February 1! I have been realizing how at peace I have been. That week of quiet changed something ... and boy am I glad!!

Even before I returned - I really wanted to see my kids. In fact my husband wanted to prolong our stay by several more hours and I said 'no way!' I wanted to get home and spend my birthday with the kids and my mom and step-father. This shocked me - AND my husband ... since what I usually want for my birthday is to get away from them! (I love them but everyone needs a break.) I guess I had enough of a break by then, but I think it was something even more too. I think spending all this time with them in homeschooling has actually helped me like spending MORE time with them, and as a result, I simply missed them. More time really does make a difference. Let me explain.

When my kids were in public school my time with them was a practice in rushing through everything. 'Hurry up!!!' 'We need to leave!' 'We're going to be late!!" 'Get your butt MOVING!!!' 'Let's go, let's go, let's MOVE!!!' All my time was spent with these phrases on my lips. Running thru the morning routine, getting them out the door to the bus or the car, getting them home and into their homework, rushing us through dinner, pushing them thru the night routine and into bed ... and then the next day would begin it all over again. I am not even exaggerating... this all happened EVERY day. Even if I tried to be proactive and start earlier we were still always rushing. And everyone hated it, and ME, for constantly pushing them through everything.

My kids never had time to be kids. I never had time, energy, or opportunity for a good conversation with them. There was very little time to play, and enjoy one another and more than ANYTHING I wanted to have time to talk about Jesus ... not just in the cracks and crevices of time but everywhere - and not be in a rush!

Some of that rushing in me still needs to be killed off. For some reason I still feel an urgent need to get a certain amount of things done in a day. And get the kids in bed 'on time' ... so that I can have my time... because let's be honest I am still tired at the end of a day and need a break. And part of me still worries that they are not learning enough by 'school' standards. But I know that is all residual fear leftover from doing things the way your 'supposed' to, and homeschooling is the exact opposite of the normal course of things.

So I definitely have much to learn, and fear to purge, and I still want Jesus to be preeminent in our day and I don't feel like that is true - yet!.... but I do see change!

My kids ARE happier. My kids are not rushed everywhere anymore. The extent of my conversation with them does not involve me pushing them onto the next thing. My kids play with their toys, and have time to run around outside. We start the day praying for Jesus to come and be with us, we are memorizing scripture, we are studying the Bible together. We struggle through math - together - but there is no homework at the end of the day! No uniforms (I hated that Florida schools had uniforms!)! We can take vacations when we want! Take a day off when we need to - or just want to! Nothing is perfect ... I am NOT perfect - my kids are NOT perfect, but it is BETTER. There is quiet and peace in each day.

But the restfulness that I feel is not from any of these changes however, because I knew all of these things before my spiritual retreat and yet I still wanted to run away screaming everyday. In the paragraph just above - those are all the reasons that I knew homeschooling was better - that it was going to work out in the end - the problem that still remained was ME.

I did not want to submit. I did not want to submit to a life that kept me SOOO at home. I wanted to be able to get out and do ministry the way I had been doing it. I wanted to mentor women, and I wanted to have lunches out - and important conversations, and be able to study and learn the deep things of the Bible that I wanted to press into. I wanted people to need me and think I was important. Because who wants to relearn 5th grade math? or teach handwriting all day long? or spelling and grammar? I certainly did NOT. I felt like my day was a waste, and that I was dying a slow and painful death of obscurity.

And maybe I am.

But maybe that death is worth it. Because that death is killing off in me the things I hate, the sin I have been screaming to God to be done away with in me! And perhaps I am not as needed as I once thought.  Just maybe God has other people doing the things I love to do - and that is good and right.

And above all, THIS is where God wants me. At home, in obscurity, quietly learning to submit to His will - for His purposes, in His way, for His glory, and His good pleasure. THIS pleases the Lord, and now I am finally ready to do WHATEVER pleases Him. Whether it is big, or what feels very small.

The rest came from surrender. Surrender to His will. Surrender to HIS GOOD PLEASURE. This pleases Him. And I could either be really grumpy about what I am not getting, and what I THINK I need and want (heck I was down right bitter!), or I could just let all of my thoughts go, and let God say 'but this is what I have for you now' - and let that be GOOD. Because He always leads us in the way we should go. He is always for us - never against us. He is always on our side, He is always bringing us to completion - He never leaves us undone. And THIS is what I need to be made more into His likeness ... not just so that I will better (for me - so I am less ugly) ... but so I will be more like Jesus - so that I will bring God more pleasure. And that is what I SAY I want ... now I am learning to live it.

And now I get it... It pleases me... to please Him.

almost 40

My quiet spiritual retreat is coming to a close. I have packed and cleaned the house and just now have been rereading my posts from this week. Today I head back to see my kids - and I am actually even excited to see them again.
Today is also my 39th Birthday. 1 more year before half of my life is over. I never could imagine myself this old. And each time I look in the mirror I am horrified by the lines that are forming there. I wanted so much more from my walk with the Lord by now. I guess I am hard-headed and hard to teach. By the time 40 rolled around I wanted to be trim and fit, and lose all this weight permanently. I wanted to learn to love to exercise. Ha! I do still have a year left!!!

That verse from Proverbs 31 comes to mind ... 'she laughs with no fear of the future'.

I am not what I wish I was. Perhaps I am chasing after the right things with the wrong motives. Nothing on my list is bad - in fact many are good things ... but what do I want them for? I think it is all to make ME more happy. Except none of them will make me happy - except more Jesus - because Jesus is worth knowing and worshipping - not for what I can get from Him - but because knowing Him is LIFE.

I have been fighting the new things that The Lord has brought into my life. My new church, new people, new place, homeschooling ... thinking these things can never bring me what I think I want. But who ever thought death, and being emptied would be easy ... or sought after.... I say I want my flesh to die - but I want it quick and painless. It simply does not work that way.

because I can't end without a Murray quote ... this was good!

“That God may be all in all,” I must not only allow Him to take His place, but secondly, I must accept His will in everything. I must accept His will in every providence. Whether it be a Judas that betrays, or whether it be a Pilate in his indifference, who gives me up to the enemy; whatever the trouble, or temptation, or vexation, or worry, that comes, I must see God in it, and accept it as God’s will to me. Trouble of any sort that comes to me is God’s will for me. It is not God’s will that men should do the wrong, but it is God’s will that they should be in circumstances of trial. There is never a trial that comes to us but it is God’s will for us, and if we learn to see God in it, then we bid it welcome.

BID IT WELCOME... welcoming trials seems like a whole other plane of existence than where I live. But if I want to be refined ... then that is what must happen ... and considering it ALL JOY as it says in James will finally put me in the place I desire to be .... Psalm 27


The Lord is my light and my salvation—
    so why should I be afraid?
The Lord is my fortress, protecting me from danger,
    so why should I tremble?
2 When evil people come to devour me,
    when my enemies and foes attack me,
    they will stumble and fall.
3 Though a mighty army surrounds me,
    my heart will not be afraid.
Even if I am attacked,
    I will remain confident.
4 The one thing I ask of the Lord—
    the thing I seek most—
is to live in the house of the Lord all the days of my life,
    delighting in the Lord’s perfections
    and meditating in his Temple.
5 For he will conceal me there when troubles come;
    he will hide me in his sanctuary.
    He will place me out of reach on a high rock.
6 Then I will hold my head high
    above my enemies who surround me.
At his sanctuary I will offer sacrifices with shouts of joy,
    singing and praising the Lord with music.

David knew the Lord would be there - and that somehow - even if it was bad - He would still be able to worship and delight in the Lord. That is what I want more than anything ... not that trials are gone from my life but that worship and JOY are present in them!!!

I don't see that in me yet ... but I am praying that in the next 40 years of my life I get there.

apocalypse of happiness

My husband and I watched a horrible movie the other night. It was free on Netflix - which should have been my first clue... It was called The Road. Viggo Mortensen from Lord of the Rings was in it ... it was a post apocalyptic movie, which in general is something that I kinda like. However, this was awful, very little redemptive quality to this one. Viggo and his wife had a baby post apocalypse and the whole movie is watching Viggo take care of the boy of 8 or 9 and move him away from one horror after another - like cannibalism, starvation, death, and disease. 5 minutes in I knew I hated it ... but then I really needed/wanted to know what was going to happen by then too. I should have let that curiosity die. Instead, all through the movie I ended up plotting how I would commit suicide if I were them. I came up with at least 10 different methods and added one more when I saw how the mom (Charlize Theron) did it.

So then my dreams last night ... literally all night ... again and again... were all the different ways I could help these people if I were stuck with them in post apocalypse hell. I find it interesting that my sub-conscious goes straight to 'fix it' mode when left to itself at night, especially when during the movie all I was working on were suicide plans.

What is the purpose of this little movie tirade? I am not entirely sure... but I can't get it off my mind. My need to fix - to set things right. What is that? Is it good, bad or indifferent? Because these dreams will keep coming until my memories of the movie finally fade... so now it has made me curious.

Not all fixing can be bad or we would all end up living in ramshackle huts with horrible plumbing and no electricity. There is a place for wanting to make improvements to life ... to make life roll more smoothly. I think part of it is a craving for the perfection from which we came - that is why we push it so far. But if we keep pushing, it leads to perfectionism - right? And that is no good - no good at all.

'Fixing it' in the apocalypse nightmare means that I wanted to make everyone happy and healthy. I was handing out food (from where it came I do not know - it was a dream after all), and helping the sick, and organizing housing etc... whatever I could do to make people happy or a little more comfortable. I needed it to be better not just for them - but for ME! because I was uncomfortable and their status was making ME unhappy.

Am I really so obsessed with being happy? To the extent that in my dreams I am trying to make imaginary people happy - so that I can be happy? And, usually I don't even choose to watch this type of movie because it makes me sad and depressed - I choose easy escapism every time.

More from Andrew Murray "Have we been Christians so many years, and realized so little what we are? I am a vessel set apart, cleansed, emptied, consecrated; just standing, waiting every moment for God, in Christ, by the Holy Spirit, to work out in me as much of the holiness and the life of His Son AS PLEASES HIM."

What pleases HIM should be what pleases me - what makes me happy. I don't think my flesh wants to align it's will with Jesus - even a little in this area. My flesh wants comfort and American happiness like crazy - so much so, that I dream up solutions to a movie's mess just to make ME feel better.

Eph 1:9
God has now revealed to us his mysterious plan regarding Christ, a plan to fulfill his own good pleasure.

Phil 2:13
For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him.


Heb 13:21
may he equip you with all you need
    for doing his will.
May he produce in you,
    through the power of Jesus Christ,
every good thing that is pleasing to him.
    All glory to him forever and ever! Amen.

It's really crazy to my flesh that my life would now need to be about pleasing Someone other than myself. That creating my own happiness can no longer be my goal - subconscious or out in the daylight of my life. That everything I do needs to be empty of flesh and full of Jesus and for His GOOD pleasure... and that THIS will actually be what makes me happy - or rather - filled up with JOY.

God kill my need to make myself happy.

foolishness

It seems to me my basic problem is ... lack of worship.

Isn't this always the problem with us creatures ... our eyes have drifted off the Creator and gotten focused on self - again.

I feel like I have tried ... but at each turn ... felt like I have hit wall after wall. Reading scripture felt like reading radio instructions for the second time. Prayer felt like such a labor - unbelievably hard to concentrate, it felt like I was ramming the ceiling with my shoulder again and again. I was hearing nothing from the Lord except in messages from friends... and even they felt dull - hard to reach and comprehend... yet encouraging that God is near and present - even if I could not hear Him directly. My whole 6th sense of being able to feel the Lord near and know His desires in prayer, word, and movement have been entirely shut off... except a few very small and brief inklings in times of corporate worship.

With all that taken away - it seemed insurmountable to focus in on the Lord for even a second. Yet that should be my job ... to press in even more... clamoring for any small crack in that CRAZY big wall. Because how can I even think I can manage without Him for even a second. I can't - it's proven.

I just don't know how to make it a job ... when I am so focused on figuring out a new life, wondering where I fit in, and how the heck I am supposed to teach my kids anything everyday, and how am I NOT supposed to eat my way to 300 pounds. So much newness has left me in a fog of vague depression with one wave after another overwhelming me.

It's seems like a big task to leave to me, Lord. That's why my desperate prayer everyday was - PLEASE COME, COME AND HELP ME, PLEASE BE HERE, JESUS!!!!

I know you have not left .... but it sure has felt that way. I know you still love me like crazy ... but knowing that and feeling that are two different things.

What do I do now ... as the fog feels like it is finally - beginning - to lift?

I need to worship again and again and again and again.... It always comes back to that doesn't it?

Romans 1:21 Yes, they knew God, but they wouldn’t worship him as God or even give him thanks. And they began to think up foolish ideas of what God was like. As a result, their minds became dark and confused.

Dark and confused - foolishness - that's what happens when when stop worshipping and giving thanks.

I do know this. I really do.

Really the first step back has to be repentance ... so here goes.

Father I have strayed! I got stuck in my own filth - so focused on myself and how I felt. So stuck in my own hurting and daily struggles with moving, fitting in, homeschooling, and life stuff - that I just didn't know how to cope. Forgive me! My sin is so overwhelming, Lord, I feel like it's so big, and much of the time I get stuck gawking at it - likes its an accident by the side of the highway. When I should be looking at you ... reflecting on your greatness and how you just TOWER over my sin - it is nothing compared to You and your perfection!!! Lord, I am desperate to move away from this stupidity!! But I need you to light a fire in me - under me. I don't even know what to pray for - where to look - what to read or how to praise rightly ... show me please - show me how to praise YOU the way you deserve! Lord break my heart with Your beauty. Help your promises stick in my brain. And let thanks flow out of me. Jesus, come, I truly am desperate for You.