apocalypse of happiness

My husband and I watched a horrible movie the other night. It was free on Netflix - which should have been my first clue... It was called The Road. Viggo Mortensen from Lord of the Rings was in it ... it was a post apocalyptic movie, which in general is something that I kinda like. However, this was awful, very little redemptive quality to this one. Viggo and his wife had a baby post apocalypse and the whole movie is watching Viggo take care of the boy of 8 or 9 and move him away from one horror after another - like cannibalism, starvation, death, and disease. 5 minutes in I knew I hated it ... but then I really needed/wanted to know what was going to happen by then too. I should have let that curiosity die. Instead, all through the movie I ended up plotting how I would commit suicide if I were them. I came up with at least 10 different methods and added one more when I saw how the mom (Charlize Theron) did it.

So then my dreams last night ... literally all night ... again and again... were all the different ways I could help these people if I were stuck with them in post apocalypse hell. I find it interesting that my sub-conscious goes straight to 'fix it' mode when left to itself at night, especially when during the movie all I was working on were suicide plans.

What is the purpose of this little movie tirade? I am not entirely sure... but I can't get it off my mind. My need to fix - to set things right. What is that? Is it good, bad or indifferent? Because these dreams will keep coming until my memories of the movie finally fade... so now it has made me curious.

Not all fixing can be bad or we would all end up living in ramshackle huts with horrible plumbing and no electricity. There is a place for wanting to make improvements to life ... to make life roll more smoothly. I think part of it is a craving for the perfection from which we came - that is why we push it so far. But if we keep pushing, it leads to perfectionism - right? And that is no good - no good at all.

'Fixing it' in the apocalypse nightmare means that I wanted to make everyone happy and healthy. I was handing out food (from where it came I do not know - it was a dream after all), and helping the sick, and organizing housing etc... whatever I could do to make people happy or a little more comfortable. I needed it to be better not just for them - but for ME! because I was uncomfortable and their status was making ME unhappy.

Am I really so obsessed with being happy? To the extent that in my dreams I am trying to make imaginary people happy - so that I can be happy? And, usually I don't even choose to watch this type of movie because it makes me sad and depressed - I choose easy escapism every time.

More from Andrew Murray "Have we been Christians so many years, and realized so little what we are? I am a vessel set apart, cleansed, emptied, consecrated; just standing, waiting every moment for God, in Christ, by the Holy Spirit, to work out in me as much of the holiness and the life of His Son AS PLEASES HIM."

What pleases HIM should be what pleases me - what makes me happy. I don't think my flesh wants to align it's will with Jesus - even a little in this area. My flesh wants comfort and American happiness like crazy - so much so, that I dream up solutions to a movie's mess just to make ME feel better.

Eph 1:9
God has now revealed to us his mysterious plan regarding Christ, a plan to fulfill his own good pleasure.

Phil 2:13
For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him.


Heb 13:21
may he equip you with all you need
    for doing his will.
May he produce in you,
    through the power of Jesus Christ,
every good thing that is pleasing to him.
    All glory to him forever and ever! Amen.

It's really crazy to my flesh that my life would now need to be about pleasing Someone other than myself. That creating my own happiness can no longer be my goal - subconscious or out in the daylight of my life. That everything I do needs to be empty of flesh and full of Jesus and for His GOOD pleasure... and that THIS will actually be what makes me happy - or rather - filled up with JOY.

God kill my need to make myself happy.