This somehow did not get posted earlier ... putting it in now... it is from a couple weeks ago...

Sacrifice is hard. It is work. It is daily obedience. It is giving something up that we want to keep.

I read a book a couple of summers ago about a woman - Esther Ann Kim - a woman persecuted during World War 2 in Korea. She was put in jail for years for not bowing down to a false idol. But before she went to prison she had months of 'training' ... time to wait for the inevitable. She memorized massive amount of scripture - whole books of the Bible so she would have it in her heart, she practiced being cold, and practiced eating rotten food so that she would be prepared to be malnourished.

She sacrificed before she needed to - to be ready. My kind of logic would say live it up until you have to ... but she wanted to be prepared. I long for her devotion to Jesus and the path set before her ... she KNEW she was made for that.

Comfort is a serious problem for me. Feeding my desires is a serious problem. Saying 'no' to an urge seems nearly impossible when it comes to food. How do I choose to be uncomfortable when it is not really required of me? No one has a gun to my head, and in fact most people think it is OK to indulge and in fact want you to - so that they too can indulge without feeling guilt. And in the end of the back and forth in my mind ... my flesh WANTS to indulge.

It is a continuous cycle of devotion, confession, prayer and resolve that then bleed into desire, temptation, and giving in; this leads to what seems an unending cycle of sabotage. Sometimes within the same day, sometimes within the same week. I can't help thinking that God is looking in on me so disappointed. The Spirit IS stronger and yet I remain unyielded to Him fully. My Spirit/spirit are wanting what is right, but my flesh is fighting HARD.

I don't know what my path is ... exactly. I don't know the specifics of what I am made for. I know the generals - the things that all believers are called to. Loving Jesus above all else, worshipping Him, bringing Him glory... and yet I feel a continual sense of failure in all of it because of how I handle food. I never feel quiet and at peace. I am always second guessing, always longing for something more.