Weekly I go to my weight loss center and weigh in and get my weekly pep talk to keep moving forward. In the last month or 2 not much has changed ... my weigh goes down then back up again - up and down again. Currently I am back at my starting point with them - from back in August. So last week one of the girls who I sit with asked me what I want to do - how I want to proceed ... she asked me why I am there. So I seriously began to wonder why I am there too, and just WHAT I am going to do about it.
The following week was then an exercise in wondering about it. I know in the beginning I came because I really needed to lose weight. I had gained so much since the Spring and I could not continue on the same path. But I also knew that God brought me through these specific Medifast doors and regardless of the crazy money I had to shell out, that my husband said yes - do it. I knew I would need more help then just doing it on my own. But before I even walked through the doors I had lost 12 pounds on my own, by just choosing to eat less and eat healthier, but I knew that could not last - not with my track record.
The last time that I lost a lot of weight - I did it with will power, and a desire to be skinny. I couched it in good desires ... to honor God with my body, and to be healthy. Because I really want those things ... truly I do. But when push came to shove the thing that kept me moving forward was fitting into smaller clothes, feeling prettier, and getting compliments. Not bad things - but not LASTING things.
So here I am again. Still needing to lose weight ... but REALLY wanting to do it for the right reasons. Because if I had done it right the first time around - I wouldn't be here again! And because if I don't get it right this time - I will be back here again far sooner than I would like. I hate that this is my struggle. It seems so small and stupid compared to knowing Jesus. Truly it is small and stupid because that's what my flesh is - small and stupid. I REALLY, REALLY do not want to go through this again. I want to SLAY this idol, put to DEATH theses deeds - of this flesh... I want it gone for good.
One of our pastors today gave an excellent sermon. Much of what He said - I have thought or said to others in counseling, or as I have taught. It was from James 4 ... here's the passage and (my thoughts).
What is causing the quarrels and fights among you? (my internal mess - always bleeds into the external - out of the heart the mouth speaks - right?)
Don’t they come from the evil desires at war within you? (yup - constant battle - totally noisy inside)
You want what you don’t have, so you scheme and kill to get it. (so far no one has died - thankfully!)
You are jealous of what others have, but you can’t get it, so you fight and wage war to take it away from them. ( I definitely want that gift that some women have to be able to eat whatever and not gain weight or even a natural love of what is healthy, or women who like to exercise, or just have energy ... I haven't fought them for it, though I am seriously jealous! - but I have asked/begged/pleaded with God to give to me those same gifts)
Yet you don’t have what you want because you don’t ask God for it. (This is where James would be wrong ... I HAVE asked - a lot - for the last 20 years ... and have gone into battle over this so many times!)
And even when you ask, you don’t get it because your motives are all wrong—you want only what will give you pleasure. ( I just can not buy that my motives are wrong each and every time. In fact I know my motives have been open and honest many times - ready to submit - ready to be obedient ... but certainly there are times when I ask seeking only my pleasure)
You adulterers! (yes, I have an idol in my life - an addiction to the taste of food)
Don’t you realize that friendship with the world makes you an enemy of God? I say it again: If you want to be a friend of the world, you make yourself an enemy of God. ( Yes - I do ... but I am also His adopted daughter - able to approach His throne and receive grace and mercy when I need it most!!! I always wonder how both can be residing in me at the same time! This point is so important that he says it twice!! I don't want to be an enemy - I want my idol gone. I wish it was like a stupid statue that I could take an ax to. )
What do you think the Scriptures mean when they say that the spirit God has placed within us is filled with envy? ( That God wants us all for Him - to worship and adore Him and Him alone - and that is what the Spirit is fighting for!)
But he gives us even more grace to stand against such evil desires. ( If I am being honest I am not feeling this extra grace in this area of my life - unbelief perhaps?)
As the Scriptures say,
“God opposes the proud
but favors the humble.” ( Here's the thing in the last few years there has not been a time where I thought I could do this on my own. In fact, that is part of my problem - I am waiting on God to show up and give me the revelation I need, the inner transformation that can only come from the Spirit that I need to conquer this. I know I can't get it done. I know that He must do it in me. I have prayed this a bazillion times and now I am waiting and wondering if He will deliver me! - unbelief perhaps?)
So humble yourselves before God. ( Done it ... continuing to do it)
Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. ( This is the part where that extra grace would be SUPER helpful!! I suck at those tiny bites of seemly benign taste that call to me and sabotage and derail everything else.)
Come close to God, and God will come close to you. ( I believe this is true - but alas just because He is close - does not mean He will FEEL close. I know for the last few months that God is with me - that He loves me, BUT He does not feel near - not at all.)
Wash your hands, you sinners; purify your hearts, for your loyalty is divided between God and the world. ( washing again ... God only you can clean me, only you can strip down and kill my idol like you did with Dagon - he broke into pieces, fell on his fake face and bowed before you. Do that to my stupid idol. I do not want this division inside any longer. Free me - please!! Help my areas of unbelief! I confess to you these sins of unbelief - not trusting in your desire and provision of extra grace when I need it! And not trusting You to deliver and heal me. Even though I know they can only come from you ... I don't think you WANT to. But how can you not want an idol to die in me? Forgive me for thinking that you will not answer this prayer. Forgive me for not trusting in your timing in all of this. Forgive me for not waiting faithfully. Forgive me for not thinking that you will help me walk in obedience. Fill me with faith to believe what YOU have said. Fill me with faith to trust your heart for me. Fill me with faith to believe in your greatness and mercy. Fill each of these areas that once held unbelief with the truth and the Spirit. And help me to keep walking in the Spirit each and every day - even if it indeed takes 20 more years to walk this path.)
Let there be tears for what you have done. Let there be sorrow and deep grief. Let there be sadness instead of laughter, and gloom instead of joy. (YES!)
Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up in honor. (Humble me still even more and please please lift me whole again.)
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