Damn ... I hate this. I let myself spiral into a bad place the last few days. I hate being depressed ... I HATE IT! It is the way I used to do things and damn it - I don't want to do it that way anymore!!!
Depression, as much as I can empathize with it in other people because I lived in it for so long ... is such a waste - a waste of thoughts on me - a waste of anger on me, a waste of time, energy and thought all directed at me and my perceived problems. YES - I hate life right now ... I really do! But it's for mostly stupid reasons and maybe only one good one - but even that - even that! is under a cloud of 'woe is me'!
The 'woe is me' comes from that continual question 'why?' ... why do I have to go through this, why is this happening to me, why does this hurt so much, why am I put aside, why does it hurt?????... and on and on and on... There are no real answers ... not answers that I like anyway ... nothing specific. I can not see into the future - that - is really what the big problem is, and because of that I have to wait on the Lord and of course! He is not saying anything ... so I end up spinning back to the 'why?' Because I have to try and figure it out on my own and wrap my tiny finite brain around it ... which also - of course, never works. Hence the frustration.
My life seems small ... we have moved away from everything and everyone we know ... new home - an apartment (which I do not love) for the time being, new climate, new state, new church, husbands new job, new people, new grocery store.... every damn thing is new. No change of seasons, no people who love me and know me, no one needs me... and now the Lord has asked me to homeschool - further isolating me...
Yes, newness is hard. So much change is hard. But there is also nothing - NOTHING - bad in my life. I have a husband who loves me, 3 great kids who enjoy homeschooling - even when I am having a crappy day, a great and growing church, a nice place to live, new things to explore, people to get to know, and no major problems (yet), - everything is fine... just fine... except for me. There is no natural inborn urge to be thankful for any of this. Instead my flesh balks and bursts out with depression and anger and obsessive self-centered thoughts. I really hate my flesh.
So then I eat things I shouldn't... even if its just a little, and I watch TV to escape, and now I am on my second stupid novel just to get a moment outside my own head.
Ahhh ... now the idols are back too. Great.
So now I am up in the middle of the night and dumping this all out, just so I can get back to sleep. I wish I could just tell my over-motivated-to-whine-brain... just to shut the hell up.
Just before bed tonight as I went into the bathroom ... I had a small inkling to read a devotional that I keep on the back of the toilet ... Jesus Calling.... as devotionals go - it's actually a good one. And as happened before it totally nailed where I am today ... not even sure that the date is October 14th - I felt I should open there... It was all about suffering under trials and instead of whining - being thankful. It was based on James 1 and Psalm 102 ... and since I recently got slammed with James 1 and wrote a post about that, I decided to go and read the psalm.
Psalm 102
A prayer of one overwhelmed with trouble, pouring out problems before the Lord.
1 Lord, hear my prayer!
Listen to my plea!
2 Don’t turn away from me
in my time of distress.
Bend down to listen,
and answer me quickly when I call to you.
3 For my days disappear like smoke,
and my bones burn like red-hot coals.
4 My heart is sick, withered like grass,
and I have lost my appetite.
5 Because of my groaning,
I am reduced to skin and bones.
6 I am like an owl in the desert,
like a little owl in a far-off wilderness.
7 I lie awake,
lonely as a solitary bird on the roof.
8 My enemies taunt me day after day.
They mock and curse me.
9 I eat ashes for food.
My tears run down into my drink
10 because of your anger and wrath.
For you have picked me up and thrown me out.
11 My life passes as swiftly as the evening shadows.
I am withering away like grass.
12 But you, O Lord, will sit on your throne forever.
Your fame will endure to every generation.
13 You will arise and have mercy on Jerusalem—
and now is the time to pity her,
now is the time you promised to help.
14 For your people love every stone in her walls
and cherish even the dust in her streets.
15 Then the nations will tremble before the Lord.
The kings of the earth will tremble before his glory.
16 For the Lord will rebuild Jerusalem.
He will appear in his glory.
17 He will listen to the prayers of the destitute.
He will not reject their pleas.
18 Let this be recorded for future generations,
so that a people not yet born will praise the Lord.
19 Tell them the Lord looked down
from his heavenly sanctuary.
He looked down to earth from heaven
20 to hear the groans of the prisoners,
to release those condemned to die.
21 And so the Lord’s fame will be celebrated in Zion,
his praises in Jerusalem,
22 when multitudes gather together
and kingdoms come to worship the Lord.
23 He broke my strength in midlife,
cutting short my days.
24 But I cried to him, “O my God, who lives forever,
don’t take my life while I am so young!
25 Long ago you laid the foundation of the earth
and made the heavens with your hands.
26 They will perish, but you remain forever;
they will wear out like old clothing.
You will change them like a garment
and discard them.
27 But you are always the same;
you will live forever.
28 The children of your people
will live in security.
Their children’s children
will thrive in your presence.”
The first part really resonates with me ... except the wasting away and skin and bones part... I can only dream of being depressed with NO appetite... that would be way too much to ask. Withering, lonely, overwhelmed, depressed, feeling abandoned... the Lord gives me no answer as to why He has decided to leave me alone ... except that I am to praise Him anyway ... just because He is deserving.... And because trials are from Him... here to make me strong, and endure, and learn to trust Him and demonstrate my faith.
How do I engage in the Spirit when I can not feel Him... How do I let Him keep my faith strong and enduring in this ... when I am wondering where He is? No clue ... I have no clue. How do I cast off depression day in and day out?
Confess again, cry out again, stay open. Confess again, cry out again, stay open, confess again, cry out again, stay open, confess again, cry out again and again and again and again and again and again and STAY OPEN. This is what I have got - all I have got.
Man I just want to scream and cry and throw a fit like a 2 year old ... I hate this.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Thursday, October 10, 2013
withering
Who knew silence would be so hard to deal with. I feel like I am withering.
I used to love to be by myself, in quiet so that I could focus in, and wait on the Lord, listening for His voice. That is my most favorite thing in all the world - seriously. But this is nothing like that. This is hard and leaves me wondering in my small moments of doubt what I might have done wrong to be put aside for right now, shelved out of the way, unused. In my faithful moments, I know that is all crap and I haven't done anything wrong ... but it doesn't change the suckiness of the silence.
The truth is - I miss Jesus. I KNOW He is here... I KNOW He has not forsaken me ... I KNOW He is sovereignly holding me and putting cosmic pieces together, but I MISS Him! It's just like when my husband is gone for a week or more and life is just not the same, and closeness is just not possible, the phone just doesn't cut it, and you can't wait to be reunited. Except this has been for almost 3 months now. 3 months.
As the deer pants for the water,
so my soul longs after You, oh God. Psalm 42:1
Oh God, You are my God,
I earnestly search for You.
My soul thirsts for You;
my whole body longs for You in this parched and weary land
where there is no water. Psalm 63:1
- I could just scream these verses right now from the top of my lungs!!!!
I was texting with a friend the other day and she quoted some Oswald Chambers to me on silence ...
'but His silence is the sign that He is bringing you into an even more wonderful understanding of Himself. Are you mourning before God because you have not had an audible response? When you cannot hear God, you will find that He has trusted you in the most intimate way possible— with absolute silence, not a silence of despair, but one of pleasure, because He saw that you could withstand an even bigger revelation. If God has given you a silence, then praise Him— He is bringing you into the mainstream of His purposes.'
I wish I knew for sure that when I read this it was sent to me from the Lord. But I get no sense either way ... nothing is highlighted, I can't hear the Lord, and no Holy Spirit burning in my chest ... Can it be that God is trusting me to wait in faith to bring me into something even greater than I can imagine - a greater revelation? That would certainly be awesome. Does this really demonstrate His intimacy with me? It doesn't feel that way... but hey maybe it's like an old couple, perfectly content to be in the same room together without talking, but knowing full well what the other is thinking. I just simply do not know.
The one thing I do know - I have scripture. People keep saying this to me too, and I keep reading it in different places ... so even though my sense from the Lord is so dull - that message has come through. Keep pressing into the Word ...
... it may not feel the same as I read, but it is His very Word. And I can live on every word that proceeds from His mouth ... I CAN LIVE ON IT - like bread.
But they delight in the law of the Lord,
meditating on it day and night.
They are like trees planted along the riverbank,
bearing fruit each season.
Their leaves never wither,
and they prosper in all they do. Psalm 1: 2-3
Jesus ... I do not want to wither. Hold me together, feed me Your Word. Grant me patience as I wait on You. Fill me with faith as I keep my eyes fixed on You and even when I turn away in my moments of doubt and indifference ... please keep me.
I used to love to be by myself, in quiet so that I could focus in, and wait on the Lord, listening for His voice. That is my most favorite thing in all the world - seriously. But this is nothing like that. This is hard and leaves me wondering in my small moments of doubt what I might have done wrong to be put aside for right now, shelved out of the way, unused. In my faithful moments, I know that is all crap and I haven't done anything wrong ... but it doesn't change the suckiness of the silence.
The truth is - I miss Jesus. I KNOW He is here... I KNOW He has not forsaken me ... I KNOW He is sovereignly holding me and putting cosmic pieces together, but I MISS Him! It's just like when my husband is gone for a week or more and life is just not the same, and closeness is just not possible, the phone just doesn't cut it, and you can't wait to be reunited. Except this has been for almost 3 months now. 3 months.
As the deer pants for the water,
so my soul longs after You, oh God. Psalm 42:1
Oh God, You are my God,
I earnestly search for You.
My soul thirsts for You;
my whole body longs for You in this parched and weary land
where there is no water. Psalm 63:1
- I could just scream these verses right now from the top of my lungs!!!!
I was texting with a friend the other day and she quoted some Oswald Chambers to me on silence ...
'but His silence is the sign that He is bringing you into an even more wonderful understanding of Himself. Are you mourning before God because you have not had an audible response? When you cannot hear God, you will find that He has trusted you in the most intimate way possible— with absolute silence, not a silence of despair, but one of pleasure, because He saw that you could withstand an even bigger revelation. If God has given you a silence, then praise Him— He is bringing you into the mainstream of His purposes.'
I wish I knew for sure that when I read this it was sent to me from the Lord. But I get no sense either way ... nothing is highlighted, I can't hear the Lord, and no Holy Spirit burning in my chest ... Can it be that God is trusting me to wait in faith to bring me into something even greater than I can imagine - a greater revelation? That would certainly be awesome. Does this really demonstrate His intimacy with me? It doesn't feel that way... but hey maybe it's like an old couple, perfectly content to be in the same room together without talking, but knowing full well what the other is thinking. I just simply do not know.
The one thing I do know - I have scripture. People keep saying this to me too, and I keep reading it in different places ... so even though my sense from the Lord is so dull - that message has come through. Keep pressing into the Word ...
... it may not feel the same as I read, but it is His very Word. And I can live on every word that proceeds from His mouth ... I CAN LIVE ON IT - like bread.
But they delight in the law of the Lord,
meditating on it day and night.
They are like trees planted along the riverbank,
bearing fruit each season.
Their leaves never wither,
and they prosper in all they do. Psalm 1: 2-3
Jesus ... I do not want to wither. Hold me together, feed me Your Word. Grant me patience as I wait on You. Fill me with faith as I keep my eyes fixed on You and even when I turn away in my moments of doubt and indifference ... please keep me.
Sunday, September 29, 2013
everyday
The quiet continues...
I began wondering this morning at church ... What if the Lord chose never to turn on my spiritual sense again? What if He never allowed me to clearly hear His voice or sense His presence again ... would I be able go on like this for the rest of my days?
ugg...
Nothing, NOTHING about that idea sounds good to me. BUT it is a good question....
I once heard a story about a woman - I think in Africa - who heard God speak so very clearly to her. It happened only one time - but it was so clear, so distinct, so obviously from God - that she began serving Him, pouring out, every day thereafter. But that one day was SO clear, SO distinct, SO of GOD that is spurred her on for ALL of her days... He never spoke to her again... just that once. But she served every day, as if she heard Him everyday.
I have been thinking about this... wishing I knew who she was - so I could read her story ... if she even has one. Can I serve God, worship Him, love Him with passion, zeal, throw everything in, give up whatever, worship with abandon - even if I never hear His voice again, never sense Him near?
I want to. I really do. I want to give Him crazy praise, I want to read His word and study, and learn and grow and draw near even if I can't feel Him. I want to tell others about Him and encourage them to do the same. Because, somewhere in me I am finally getting that this is not about me. This is about Jesus and what He deserves. If all He ever did for me was die on the cross, and rise up again, and pull me into that salvation ... then He deserves all my praise, all my devotion, all my love, and heart, and soul, and mind, and strength. He deserves it ALL!
Lord, since you have carried me this far ... can you please by the power of the Spirit carry me into praise - praise for all the wonderful things you have done for me ... set my heart on fire with delight in You. Strip my mind of myself and fix everything on Your wonders. May I see you more clearly in this time of quiet.
I began wondering this morning at church ... What if the Lord chose never to turn on my spiritual sense again? What if He never allowed me to clearly hear His voice or sense His presence again ... would I be able go on like this for the rest of my days?
ugg...
Nothing, NOTHING about that idea sounds good to me. BUT it is a good question....
I once heard a story about a woman - I think in Africa - who heard God speak so very clearly to her. It happened only one time - but it was so clear, so distinct, so obviously from God - that she began serving Him, pouring out, every day thereafter. But that one day was SO clear, SO distinct, SO of GOD that is spurred her on for ALL of her days... He never spoke to her again... just that once. But she served every day, as if she heard Him everyday.
I have been thinking about this... wishing I knew who she was - so I could read her story ... if she even has one. Can I serve God, worship Him, love Him with passion, zeal, throw everything in, give up whatever, worship with abandon - even if I never hear His voice again, never sense Him near?
I want to. I really do. I want to give Him crazy praise, I want to read His word and study, and learn and grow and draw near even if I can't feel Him. I want to tell others about Him and encourage them to do the same. Because, somewhere in me I am finally getting that this is not about me. This is about Jesus and what He deserves. If all He ever did for me was die on the cross, and rise up again, and pull me into that salvation ... then He deserves all my praise, all my devotion, all my love, and heart, and soul, and mind, and strength. He deserves it ALL!
Lord, since you have carried me this far ... can you please by the power of the Spirit carry me into praise - praise for all the wonderful things you have done for me ... set my heart on fire with delight in You. Strip my mind of myself and fix everything on Your wonders. May I see you more clearly in this time of quiet.
Sunday, September 22, 2013
STAY OPEN
I went into church ... and really the whole morning feeling quite down and overwhelmed, on the brink of tears. The moving and being away from everything familiar is really, really hard... and I think it is finally catching up with me. I have had my moments before this for sure, but now it feels like I have hit a wall. The not being known and not really knowing anyone, has become quite loud and painful. And I know the only thing to truly heal any of that is to wait on God to unfold my new life and purpose as it is meant to unfold - OVER TIME.
BUT this morning I wanted to curl up in bed and definitely not go to church. I did not want to face the sea of people I don't know.... and instead stay in my apartment with what little I DO know ... my kids, my furniture. That sounds silly but this feels like all I have besides my husband and he was already at church!
I got up and went anyway realizing that my furniture really is not that comforting (it's nice and all but...). And I had a vague sense that the Lord was saying stay open, STAY OPEN. Again it's all so dull and vague from the Lord right now. I remember watching an episode of Star Trek Next Generation when Counselor Troi lost her empathic ability ... and she described everyone as flat and lifeless. She had lost one of her senses and she felt lost, lonely, and afraid. I sort of feel the same ... I feel like I have lost one of my senses ... my spiritual sense, and now I am floundering around blind or deaf. It's awful. Especially now when life is already overwhelming.
Stay open! Don't curl up and hide ... run into it! Ugg ... are You kidding? ... then this verse came to mind...
Consider it all joy, when trials come. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. SO LET IT GROW, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. James 1: 3-4
Fully developed
perfect
complete
needing nothing
These are all really good things! REALLY good things!
So breathe ... stay open ... let my broken heart flap out there in the wind ... and HE will show up and complete the work He has begun in me. Complete ... that sounds crazy good and worth the wait.
BUT this morning I wanted to curl up in bed and definitely not go to church. I did not want to face the sea of people I don't know.... and instead stay in my apartment with what little I DO know ... my kids, my furniture. That sounds silly but this feels like all I have besides my husband and he was already at church!
I got up and went anyway realizing that my furniture really is not that comforting (it's nice and all but...). And I had a vague sense that the Lord was saying stay open, STAY OPEN. Again it's all so dull and vague from the Lord right now. I remember watching an episode of Star Trek Next Generation when Counselor Troi lost her empathic ability ... and she described everyone as flat and lifeless. She had lost one of her senses and she felt lost, lonely, and afraid. I sort of feel the same ... I feel like I have lost one of my senses ... my spiritual sense, and now I am floundering around blind or deaf. It's awful. Especially now when life is already overwhelming.
Stay open! Don't curl up and hide ... run into it! Ugg ... are You kidding? ... then this verse came to mind...
Consider it all joy, when trials come. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. SO LET IT GROW, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. James 1: 3-4
Fully developed
perfect
complete
needing nothing
These are all really good things! REALLY good things!
So breathe ... stay open ... let my broken heart flap out there in the wind ... and HE will show up and complete the work He has begun in me. Complete ... that sounds crazy good and worth the wait.
Monday, September 16, 2013
carried
I just read over my more recent posts and I realized just now, that God has been answering my prayers ... just not in the way I expected or to be frank how I wanted.
I had prayed for God to break my food addiction ... and through a weird set of circumstances found myself in the Medifast storefront here in my new home ... signing my life away for the next 16 months - 4 months to lose weight and a year to maintain - with a crazy price tag that my husband said yes to. I have to go in every week - visit with a nutritionist and get weighed and buy my food for the next week. I am still not sure how it all happened ... I had no intention of doing that - but then there it was - happening!
I have also been praying about what to do with my kids and their school ... they didn't get into the charter school I thought God was directing us to ... and since his direction away from the public school and to the charter school seemed so clear ... we just kept waiting. Until the day I went in and even though my son is 3rd on the waiting list ... and they said time and again, 'it will be fine they should get in,' they did NOT get in. WHAT? God I thought that was what you wanted?
Enter in a conversation with a friend who just began homeschooling this year... and she said God will show you what you are supposed to do... then a nudge from the Holy Spirit ... and I realized I had no room in there for the Spirit to move because I was so firmly a "NO" to homeschooling that is wasn't even an option. Then that week I got super sick - fever, chills, aches etc ... what this boils down to - I had time on my hands. I started reading blogs about homeschooling and finding myself in a PMS and illness induced tear fest - or was it? Either way, I found myself getting excited about it and later that night saying to my husband 'you'll never guess what I am thinking about doing?!' He never did guess - because it is so outrageous - because it's so totally crazy!
So after 2 weeks of breaking me down and sending people in to speak encouragement and to answer all of my insane questions - God won. I am homeschooling. Even with all of my objections ... all my hang-ups... Jesus knows I want to submit to Him, even if He is asking the craziest thing of me! After one conversation with a new friend ... I literally found myself in the parking lot at Walmart crying again. Crying over dying to more of myself, losing what I think of as freedom, time disappearing, all my weaknesses being tested daily. Homeschooling is now a new calling on my life. I NEVER thought I would say that - NEVER!
Curriculum has been chosen, the kids have been pulled from school and now we start something totally new. I am thoroughly frightened. BUT I am also excited to see what God does!
In both of these - decisions? - shall we call them... I felt carried. The Lord remains quiet. I can not hear Him, I can not feel him, His Word is flat, I have no sense of Him ... nothing SPECIFIC or pointed like how I normally hear Him. I can see His movements out there, but it's vague, and I can see God's hand in others - in friends - easier than myself. I can hear His words to me from others ... but it's distant and dull. It is like being in a game show where they make you stand in that plexiglass sound proof room so you can't hear your opponent's answers. You can see a little but it doesn't make sense. I know God is there but He has me isolated for some reason. I am not sure why.
One friend suggested that it was to hone my other senses. This could be true... I can see that I am recognizing God's hand - His sovereignty carrying me through each of the above life altering decisions. And I can see how my faith has changed. Before God began this new work in me ... and probably even during ... I would have cried, shaken my fist, screamed and sworn at Him like a child in a temper tantrum just because I thought I was alone. BUT now I KNOW I am not alone. I feel His care for me in the things I can see He is orchestrating. I know that when I draw near to Him - even though I can not feel Him or hear Him ... He draws near to me.... my faith HAS changed.
Another friend said that the quiet was perhaps for this ... that WHEN He speaks ... for whatever reason it may be! ... you will KNOW exactly what He wants from you. The quiet is meant to highlight whatever is coming.
That rang true to my prophetic ears. Because my big questions are still unanswered .... what is this whole journey to joy about ... what is the block? - still do not know! What is my purpose here in our new home, our new church ... I still do not know! But I do know that God is taking care of me ... killing off my food addiction, setting me AND my kids apart for something new, answering prayers ... all the quiet is just Him getting us ready for something - something that is coming. The quiet has a purpose.
Being carried is not always a bad thing ... especially when you get to see your prayers answered! And you know God is going to tell you something big just up ahead.
I had prayed for God to break my food addiction ... and through a weird set of circumstances found myself in the Medifast storefront here in my new home ... signing my life away for the next 16 months - 4 months to lose weight and a year to maintain - with a crazy price tag that my husband said yes to. I have to go in every week - visit with a nutritionist and get weighed and buy my food for the next week. I am still not sure how it all happened ... I had no intention of doing that - but then there it was - happening!
I have also been praying about what to do with my kids and their school ... they didn't get into the charter school I thought God was directing us to ... and since his direction away from the public school and to the charter school seemed so clear ... we just kept waiting. Until the day I went in and even though my son is 3rd on the waiting list ... and they said time and again, 'it will be fine they should get in,' they did NOT get in. WHAT? God I thought that was what you wanted?
Enter in a conversation with a friend who just began homeschooling this year... and she said God will show you what you are supposed to do... then a nudge from the Holy Spirit ... and I realized I had no room in there for the Spirit to move because I was so firmly a "NO" to homeschooling that is wasn't even an option. Then that week I got super sick - fever, chills, aches etc ... what this boils down to - I had time on my hands. I started reading blogs about homeschooling and finding myself in a PMS and illness induced tear fest - or was it? Either way, I found myself getting excited about it and later that night saying to my husband 'you'll never guess what I am thinking about doing?!' He never did guess - because it is so outrageous - because it's so totally crazy!
So after 2 weeks of breaking me down and sending people in to speak encouragement and to answer all of my insane questions - God won. I am homeschooling. Even with all of my objections ... all my hang-ups... Jesus knows I want to submit to Him, even if He is asking the craziest thing of me! After one conversation with a new friend ... I literally found myself in the parking lot at Walmart crying again. Crying over dying to more of myself, losing what I think of as freedom, time disappearing, all my weaknesses being tested daily. Homeschooling is now a new calling on my life. I NEVER thought I would say that - NEVER!
Curriculum has been chosen, the kids have been pulled from school and now we start something totally new. I am thoroughly frightened. BUT I am also excited to see what God does!
In both of these - decisions? - shall we call them... I felt carried. The Lord remains quiet. I can not hear Him, I can not feel him, His Word is flat, I have no sense of Him ... nothing SPECIFIC or pointed like how I normally hear Him. I can see His movements out there, but it's vague, and I can see God's hand in others - in friends - easier than myself. I can hear His words to me from others ... but it's distant and dull. It is like being in a game show where they make you stand in that plexiglass sound proof room so you can't hear your opponent's answers. You can see a little but it doesn't make sense. I know God is there but He has me isolated for some reason. I am not sure why.
One friend suggested that it was to hone my other senses. This could be true... I can see that I am recognizing God's hand - His sovereignty carrying me through each of the above life altering decisions. And I can see how my faith has changed. Before God began this new work in me ... and probably even during ... I would have cried, shaken my fist, screamed and sworn at Him like a child in a temper tantrum just because I thought I was alone. BUT now I KNOW I am not alone. I feel His care for me in the things I can see He is orchestrating. I know that when I draw near to Him - even though I can not feel Him or hear Him ... He draws near to me.... my faith HAS changed.
Another friend said that the quiet was perhaps for this ... that WHEN He speaks ... for whatever reason it may be! ... you will KNOW exactly what He wants from you. The quiet is meant to highlight whatever is coming.
That rang true to my prophetic ears. Because my big questions are still unanswered .... what is this whole journey to joy about ... what is the block? - still do not know! What is my purpose here in our new home, our new church ... I still do not know! But I do know that God is taking care of me ... killing off my food addiction, setting me AND my kids apart for something new, answering prayers ... all the quiet is just Him getting us ready for something - something that is coming. The quiet has a purpose.
Being carried is not always a bad thing ... especially when you get to see your prayers answered! And you know God is going to tell you something big just up ahead.
Friday, August 23, 2013
submission
Ahh ... the praying has begun.
Lord all week I have been avoiding you. Partly afraid that when I got here ... You would not show. And partly, my flesh just really didn't want to. My flesh would much rather eat chocolate, and ice cream, watch TV and play games on my phone much more than come and fully submit.
That's the real problem right, Lord? I just can't fully give up control of food to you. I know you have wanted me to come - Isaiah 65: 1-5 ... You have been ready for me ... I have not been ready for you. I am trying to have one last wallow in my filth before I let you clean me.
The Lord says,
“I was ready to respond, but no one asked for help.
I was ready to be found, but no one was looking for me.
I said, ‘Here I am, here I am!’
to a nation that did not call on my name.
All day long I opened my arms to a rebellious people.
But they follow their own evil paths
and their own crooked schemes.
All day long they insult me to my face
by worshiping idols in their sacred gardens.
They burn incense on pagan altars.
At night they go out among the graves,
worshiping the dead.
They eat the flesh of pigs
and make stews with other forbidden foods.
Yet they say to each other,
‘Don’t come too close or you will defile me!
I am holier than you!’
These people are a stench in my nostrils,
an acrid smell that never goes away.
This passage in Isaiah seems a bit hard to me ... but then not ... It is just my flesh balking - wanting an easy way out. It's my pride hurting because it wants to be right, but really what You are asking, Lord - is for total death. And I keep trying to cling to a little of my own way. Andrew Murray helps once again - reminding me that I must let go of ALL ... if I am going to have more of you - more presence - more life - true joy.
Children of God, we must go down deeper into the grave of Jesus. We must cultivate the sense of impotence, and dependence, and nothingness, until our souls walk before God every day in a deep and holy trembling. God keep us from being anything. God teach us to wait on Him, that He may work in us all He wrought in His Son, till Christ Jesus may live out His life in us! For this may God help us!
Christ had a perfect life, given by God. The Father said: “Will you give up that life to me? Will you part with it at my command?” And He parted with it, but God gave it back to Him in a second life ten thousand times more glorious than that earthly life. So God will do to every one of us who willingly consents to part with his life. - Andrew Murray - The Master's Indwelling
My Spirit ... the new heart - new creature in me WANTS this. But my flesh says - NOOOOO! I don't want to submit that much - I don't want to be that humbled - that thumbed down - that run . But the thing is there is no other way. Death must come - a total death.
Jesus I submit ... I don not want what my flesh wants anymore. I want You to come flooding in and take over - put me in the grave - empty me out, crush my evil desires, kill my flesh, put down my rebellion, suck away my pride. Remind me again just how small I am - and how much I need you to come in and do the things I can only dream of.
Lord, I know this idol of food is in the way. It is blocking your work in me. I have nothing to offer in this - even now I am starving and want to run to the fridge for lunch. You HAVE to come - YOU have to do something new in me! I don't like my wishy-washy back and forth divided mind anymore. Give me wisdom - give me insight, help me remember to pray before I eat every single time, help me submit to Your desires, help me to be grateful when you tell me what You allow. I CAN NOT do this ... YOU MUST. Free me from any opposing desire. Fill me with new desires - to be obedient, and thankful, and free.
Lord I confess now of my unbelief in your care, my unbelief in your desire to save me from this sin, my unbelief that victory is possible, that the victory that you have laid out can even be desirable to me. Lord, I confess my flat out disobedience in the last months, my overwhelming need to satisfy my flesh, letting my eyes lust after food, for satisfying the god of my stomach over You. Lord if the enemy has a foothold in this area - I cast him out in the name of Jesus ... free me to love and serve You and You alone in this area of my life. Lord, Jesus will you send the Holy Spirit to come and fill me up, to fill me with a new love for obedience, and a desire to honor you with every bite I take. Fill me with a hunger and thirst for You - a longing to be with you at your feet - serving You as You see fit.
Lord all week I have been avoiding you. Partly afraid that when I got here ... You would not show. And partly, my flesh just really didn't want to. My flesh would much rather eat chocolate, and ice cream, watch TV and play games on my phone much more than come and fully submit.
That's the real problem right, Lord? I just can't fully give up control of food to you. I know you have wanted me to come - Isaiah 65: 1-5 ... You have been ready for me ... I have not been ready for you. I am trying to have one last wallow in my filth before I let you clean me.
The Lord says,
“I was ready to respond, but no one asked for help.
I was ready to be found, but no one was looking for me.
I said, ‘Here I am, here I am!’
to a nation that did not call on my name.
All day long I opened my arms to a rebellious people.
But they follow their own evil paths
and their own crooked schemes.
All day long they insult me to my face
by worshiping idols in their sacred gardens.
They burn incense on pagan altars.
At night they go out among the graves,
worshiping the dead.
They eat the flesh of pigs
and make stews with other forbidden foods.
Yet they say to each other,
‘Don’t come too close or you will defile me!
I am holier than you!’
These people are a stench in my nostrils,
an acrid smell that never goes away.
This passage in Isaiah seems a bit hard to me ... but then not ... It is just my flesh balking - wanting an easy way out. It's my pride hurting because it wants to be right, but really what You are asking, Lord - is for total death. And I keep trying to cling to a little of my own way. Andrew Murray helps once again - reminding me that I must let go of ALL ... if I am going to have more of you - more presence - more life - true joy.
Children of God, we must go down deeper into the grave of Jesus. We must cultivate the sense of impotence, and dependence, and nothingness, until our souls walk before God every day in a deep and holy trembling. God keep us from being anything. God teach us to wait on Him, that He may work in us all He wrought in His Son, till Christ Jesus may live out His life in us! For this may God help us!
Christ had a perfect life, given by God. The Father said: “Will you give up that life to me? Will you part with it at my command?” And He parted with it, but God gave it back to Him in a second life ten thousand times more glorious than that earthly life. So God will do to every one of us who willingly consents to part with his life. - Andrew Murray - The Master's Indwelling
My Spirit ... the new heart - new creature in me WANTS this. But my flesh says - NOOOOO! I don't want to submit that much - I don't want to be that humbled - that thumbed down - that run . But the thing is there is no other way. Death must come - a total death.
Jesus I submit ... I don not want what my flesh wants anymore. I want You to come flooding in and take over - put me in the grave - empty me out, crush my evil desires, kill my flesh, put down my rebellion, suck away my pride. Remind me again just how small I am - and how much I need you to come in and do the things I can only dream of.
Lord, I know this idol of food is in the way. It is blocking your work in me. I have nothing to offer in this - even now I am starving and want to run to the fridge for lunch. You HAVE to come - YOU have to do something new in me! I don't like my wishy-washy back and forth divided mind anymore. Give me wisdom - give me insight, help me remember to pray before I eat every single time, help me submit to Your desires, help me to be grateful when you tell me what You allow. I CAN NOT do this ... YOU MUST. Free me from any opposing desire. Fill me with new desires - to be obedient, and thankful, and free.
Lord I confess now of my unbelief in your care, my unbelief in your desire to save me from this sin, my unbelief that victory is possible, that the victory that you have laid out can even be desirable to me. Lord, I confess my flat out disobedience in the last months, my overwhelming need to satisfy my flesh, letting my eyes lust after food, for satisfying the god of my stomach over You. Lord if the enemy has a foothold in this area - I cast him out in the name of Jesus ... free me to love and serve You and You alone in this area of my life. Lord, Jesus will you send the Holy Spirit to come and fill me up, to fill me with a new love for obedience, and a desire to honor you with every bite I take. Fill me with a hunger and thirst for You - a longing to be with you at your feet - serving You as You see fit.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
quiet
The Lord has been very quiet. I can not hear His voice. I cannot feel His presence.
Yet I can see Him sustaining me.
I am not filled with fear, or anxiety. I am not worrying over the crappy school my kids have to attend, or when the school I want them in, will be open. Or the many dinners and new people I have to meet. Or even all the new of finding doctors, new routine, or making friends. I feel like I am flowing in a stream and just going with it. It is a lot of change and normally I would be a mess of depression, but His hand is on me.
This past Monday marked a new era for me ... my kids are all in school ... my youngest is in kindergarten. So my days are free ... and since there is so much that is new, and soon we will be looking for a new house and have to move again - we decided that whatever work I am to do in the future will wait until we are more settled. BUT that leaves my days very free.
I feel like I want to use this time wisely and spend a lot of time in quiet. Spend it in prayer and listening. I don't know what the Lord has in store for me ... but I keep getting reminders from good friends who ARE hearing from the Lord that He has me ... and good things are coming!
Yet I can see Him sustaining me.
I am not filled with fear, or anxiety. I am not worrying over the crappy school my kids have to attend, or when the school I want them in, will be open. Or the many dinners and new people I have to meet. Or even all the new of finding doctors, new routine, or making friends. I feel like I am flowing in a stream and just going with it. It is a lot of change and normally I would be a mess of depression, but His hand is on me.
This past Monday marked a new era for me ... my kids are all in school ... my youngest is in kindergarten. So my days are free ... and since there is so much that is new, and soon we will be looking for a new house and have to move again - we decided that whatever work I am to do in the future will wait until we are more settled. BUT that leaves my days very free.
I feel like I want to use this time wisely and spend a lot of time in quiet. Spend it in prayer and listening. I don't know what the Lord has in store for me ... but I keep getting reminders from good friends who ARE hearing from the Lord that He has me ... and good things are coming!
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