carried

I just read over my more recent posts and I realized just now, that God has been answering my prayers ... just not in the way I expected or to be frank how I wanted.

I had prayed for God to break my food addiction ... and through a weird set of circumstances found myself in the Medifast storefront here in my new home ... signing my life away for the next 16 months - 4 months to lose weight and a year to maintain - with a crazy price tag that my husband said yes to. I have to go in every week - visit with a nutritionist and get weighed and buy my food for the next week.  I am still not sure how it all happened ... I had no intention of doing that - but then there it was - happening!

I have also been praying about what to do with my kids and their school ... they didn't get into the charter school I thought God was directing us to ... and since his direction away from the public school and to the charter school seemed so clear ... we just kept waiting. Until the day I went in and even though my son is 3rd on the waiting list ... and they said time and again, 'it will be fine they should get in,' they did  NOT get in. WHAT? God I thought that was what you wanted?

Enter in a conversation with a friend who just began homeschooling this year... and she said God will show you what you are supposed to do... then a nudge from the Holy Spirit ... and I realized I had no room in there for the Spirit to move because I was so firmly a "NO" to homeschooling that is wasn't even an option. Then that week I got super sick - fever, chills, aches etc ... what this boils down to - I had time on my hands. I started reading blogs about homeschooling and finding myself in a PMS and illness induced tear fest - or was it? Either way, I found myself getting excited about it and later that night saying to my husband 'you'll never guess what I am thinking about doing?!' He never did guess - because it is so outrageous - because it's so totally crazy!

So after 2 weeks of breaking me down and sending people in to speak encouragement and to answer all of my insane questions - God won. I am homeschooling. Even with all of my objections ... all my hang-ups... Jesus knows I want to submit to Him, even if He is asking the craziest thing of me! After one conversation with a new friend ... I literally found myself in the parking lot at Walmart crying again. Crying over dying to more of myself, losing what I think of as freedom, time disappearing, all my weaknesses being tested daily. Homeschooling is now a new calling on my life. I NEVER thought I would say that - NEVER!

Curriculum has been chosen, the kids have been pulled from school and now we start something totally new. I am thoroughly frightened. BUT I am also excited to see what God does!

In both of these - decisions? - shall we call them... I felt carried. The Lord remains quiet. I can not hear Him, I can not feel him, His Word is flat, I have no sense of Him ... nothing SPECIFIC or pointed like how I normally hear Him. I can see His movements out there, but it's vague, and I can see God's hand in others - in friends - easier than myself. I can hear His words to me from others ... but it's distant and dull. It is like being in a game show where they make you stand in that plexiglass sound proof room so you can't hear your opponent's answers. You can see a little but it doesn't make sense. I know God is there but He has me isolated for some reason. I am not sure why.

One friend suggested that it was to hone my other senses. This could be true... I can see that I am recognizing God's hand - His sovereignty carrying me through each of the above life altering decisions. And I can see how my faith has changed. Before God began this new work in me ... and probably even during ... I would have cried, shaken my fist, screamed and sworn at Him like a child in a temper tantrum just because I thought I was alone. BUT now I KNOW I am not alone. I feel His care for me in the things I can see He is orchestrating. I know that when I draw near to Him - even though I can not feel Him or hear Him ... He draws near to me.... my faith HAS changed.

Another friend said that the quiet was perhaps for this ... that WHEN He speaks ... for whatever reason it may be! ... you will KNOW exactly what He wants from you. The quiet is meant to highlight whatever is coming.
That rang true to my prophetic ears. Because my big questions are still unanswered .... what is this whole journey to joy about ... what is the block? - still do not know! What is my purpose here in our new home, our new church ... I still do not know! But I do know that God is taking care of me ... killing off my food addiction, setting me AND my kids apart for something new, answering prayers ... all the quiet is just Him getting us ready for something - something that is coming. The quiet has a purpose.

Being carried is not always a bad thing ... especially when you get to see your prayers answered! And you know God is going to tell you something big just up ahead.