I used to love to be by myself, in quiet so that I could focus in, and wait on the Lord, listening for His voice. That is my most favorite thing in all the world - seriously. But this is nothing like that. This is hard and leaves me wondering in my small moments of doubt what I might have done wrong to be put aside for right now, shelved out of the way, unused. In my faithful moments, I know that is all crap and I haven't done anything wrong ... but it doesn't change the suckiness of the silence.
The truth is - I miss Jesus. I KNOW He is here... I KNOW He has not forsaken me ... I KNOW He is sovereignly holding me and putting cosmic pieces together, but I MISS Him! It's just like when my husband is gone for a week or more and life is just not the same, and closeness is just not possible, the phone just doesn't cut it, and you can't wait to be reunited. Except this has been for almost 3 months now. 3 months.
As the deer pants for the water,
so my soul longs after You, oh God. Psalm 42:1
Oh God, You are my God,
I earnestly search for You.
My soul thirsts for You;
my whole body longs for You in this parched and weary land
where there is no water. Psalm 63:1
- I could just scream these verses right now from the top of my lungs!!!!
I was texting with a friend the other day and she quoted some Oswald Chambers to me on silence ...
'but His silence is the sign that He is bringing you into an even more wonderful understanding of Himself. Are you mourning before God because you have not had an audible response? When you cannot hear God, you will find that He has trusted you in the most intimate way possible— with absolute silence, not a silence of despair, but one of pleasure, because He saw that you could withstand an even bigger revelation. If God has given you a silence, then praise Him— He is bringing you into the mainstream of His purposes.'
I wish I knew for sure that when I read this it was sent to me from the Lord. But I get no sense either way ... nothing is highlighted, I can't hear the Lord, and no Holy Spirit burning in my chest ... Can it be that God is trusting me to wait in faith to bring me into something even greater than I can imagine - a greater revelation? That would certainly be awesome. Does this really demonstrate His intimacy with me? It doesn't feel that way... but hey maybe it's like an old couple, perfectly content to be in the same room together without talking, but knowing full well what the other is thinking. I just simply do not know.
The one thing I do know - I have scripture. People keep saying this to me too, and I keep reading it in different places ... so even though my sense from the Lord is so dull - that message has come through. Keep pressing into the Word ...
... it may not feel the same as I read, but it is His very Word. And I can live on every word that proceeds from His mouth ... I CAN LIVE ON IT - like bread.
But they delight in the law of the Lord,
meditating on it day and night.
They are like trees planted along the riverbank,
bearing fruit each season.
Their leaves never wither,
and they prosper in all they do. Psalm 1: 2-3
Jesus ... I do not want to wither. Hold me together, feed me Your Word. Grant me patience as I wait on You. Fill me with faith as I keep my eyes fixed on You and even when I turn away in my moments of doubt and indifference ... please keep me.
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