This past month has been busy! We've had so much company at our house. We traveled quite a bit. Our niece graduated from High School, our daughter got baptized. I went away on a retreat. I am exhausted.
Busy doesn't tend to suit me. I can manage in the middle of it, but I hate not having a chance to reflect and be quiet.
In all the flurry, all I want to do is sit quietly and read, but I rarely get a chance for that as my mind rushes to the next thing. So this past weekend at a retreat I got a few minutes at least to reflect and worship with other women. Not exactly quiet - but FUN and refreshing in another way.
We watched the sunrise, and sunset together, and walked on the beach, and just hung out and had great conversations. As we did all of this I actually felt the presence of God. I haven't felt His presence in months…. MONTHS! It was so amazing to feel near again even if just for the weekend. A friend of mine put it very well … for the last 2 years any moments I have had with the Lord have been like a vapor. Here for a moment - gone in the next.
I shared some of my struggle with the ladies there … and many wanted to pray over me after our meeting. I sat in a chair with their hands on me as they asked the Lord to lead me and fill me with His mind and spirit while I journeyed in all of this silence. It's funny though most people felt more badly for me than I feel right now. Numbness still prevails, but I also know He is at work and that it is a work of healing … Oh and of course!! that I need to wait!! It's new but, I have been rather content to wait in the more recent days. I am not saying its fun … but at least now I know what it is. My prayer … truly the only thing that came to my mind in the midst of their prayers was just this:
That the eyes of my heart would focus themselves totally on Jesus and away from myself … and that I would receive the mind of Christ in union with Him … and that while I wait … That I will remain patient.
That's truly what I want now. I just want intimacy. I want my eyes to turn away from myself, and my thoughts, and my ideas, and my internal mess and all my sin. I want to focus in on Jesus and really fix my gaze on Him … and not have it be this continual act of reminding myself -- like an outward push to look … but have it be just where the eyes of my heart and mind turn naturally.
I think in the beginning I wanted to be near … not just because I was with Jesus … but because it feels good to be near. I missed him when He wasn't manifesting his presence … but I also missed the lift in my spirit that I received as a result. Now, I think!, I will take intimacy in any form that Jesus chooses for me. I think … maybe. I don't know if I really want to suffer through months of tears again any time soon … but who knows … if He was speaking to me through it - perhaps I would.
I want to know his heart and mind. I want to understand His thoughts. I want to pray His prayers. I want to understand our union. I want to be with Jesus. Its probably not too different than when the silence began … except I feel more at peace with whatever God brings to me. Waiting seems tolerable now. Trusting His heart toward me feels easier. Knowing that His will is better than mine is easier to grasp. There is less wrestle and struggle inside. Less doubts that need to be combated. There is less anger at God for the conditions and circumstances that he has me in. Pruning feels like a good thing. Silence feels like it is no longer an indictment of sin and more like a really weird, hard to understand, invitation into something totally new and different.
And that seems good to me.
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