Without Jesus it all feels meaningless. Again, let me state … I KNOW He is always with me, I know He is at work in me, I know He has a plan, I know He is intimate with me … even though I can NOT sense Him.
But I am talking about what I am experiencing. And my experience quite frankly sucks. It is devoid of life. It is missing what matters. I am missing Jesus.
He informs everything…. or at least He should. Being intimate with Him makes all of life matter. Can I still do the dishes to His honor and glory even now … yup I can … but it doesn't feel like I am. Can I still show love and kindness to my family … yup I can - tho I feel like I am forcing it because I don't want to hurt anyone …
I don't feel truly alive. I can not smile deep down. I can't enjoy my kids. I can barely participate in sex. Everything feels stripped down and sucked dry. There is no zest, no spark. Everything feels empty without knowing God's thoughts, without hearing scripture echo in my mind, without a stirring of the Spirit inside, without sensing prayer needs. It's like my mind is stuck in-between 2 pages of a story and all I can see is white.
That word meaningless made me turn to read Ecclesiastes … again nothing truly stirred but I saw a reflection of how I feel:
Ecc 2:24 There is nothing better for a person than that he should eat and drink and find enjoyment in his toil. This also, I saw, is from the hand of God, 25 for apart from him who can eat or who can have enjoyment? 26 For to the one who pleases him, God has given wisdom and knowledge and joy, but to the sinner he has given the business of gathering and collecting, only to give to one who pleases God. This also is vanity and a striving after wind.
and a quote in a Piper sermonette:
Unless God gives me God ... Unless God shows me himself ... Then I am going to be unhappy for all of eternity. - Piper
Yup, that's how I feel.
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