reality

How can I possibly view myself on the outside? The outside of Christ and His body ... when this is described of me....

Col 1: 27b
And this is the secret: Christ lives in you. This gives you assurance of sharing his glory.

Col 1: 29b
depending on Christ’s mighty power that works within me.

Col 2: 2b-3
 I want them to have complete confidence that they understand God’s mysterious plan, which is Christ himself. In him lie hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge.

Col 2: 6-7

And now, just as you accepted Christ Jesus as your Lord, you must continue to follow him. Let your roots grow down into him, and let your lives be built on him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness.

Col 2: 9-10
For in Christ lives all the fullness of God in a human body. So you also are complete through your union with Christ, who is the head over every ruler and authority.

Col 2: 12b
And with him you were raised to new life because you trusted the mighty power of God,

Col 2: 13b
Then God made you alive with Christ, for he forgave all our sins.

Col 2: 17b
 And Christ himself is that reality.

Col 2: 20a
You have died with Christ, and he has set you free from the spiritual powers of this world.

Col 3: 1b
set your sights on the realities of heaven, where Christ sits in the place of honor at God’s right hand.

Col 3: 3b-4
and your real life is hidden with Christ in God. And when Christ, who is your life, is revealed to the whole world, you will share in all his glory.

In Him, complete in my union with Christ, alive with Christ, died with Christ, my real life hidden with Christ in God....
CHRIST IS MY LIFE. Jesus is reality - my reality.

When it says that Christ sits in the place of honor at God's right hand ... then does it not follow that I am there - hidden within Christ - in that place of honor with Him - what?!!!

Why then do I feel left on the outside? Why do I feel like I have to beg the Holy Spirit to come and pour out the fruit of the Spirit in my life? I feel like I am asking for the right things ... but am I asking with the wrong ... motive??? I am not really sure??

My self-life still seems too big. There is still so much of me - looking in at me - wondering what I have screwed up now - wondering how I can fix everything. If I can just find that thing ... then I get what? What is it that I am looking to get? Lord, what is it?

I think maybe - I am looking just to be happy. I want to be less dismal, I want to smile more, to laugh with my kids, be excited by small things, be abandoned with my husband, be kind, to feel content - REGULARLY - for that to be my regular way... and it's simply NOT me.

Am I still just so dissatisfied with myself - who I was created to be in my flesh - that I think the Spirit will come and wipe it all out in one fell swoop? Do I find nothing redemptive in this original creation - that I am expecting the Spirit to come take it away and replace it in an instant? And when He doesn't - I am just constantly disappointed in myself - and in HIM? Hmmm.... I am still not sure.