'home'

I went 'home' for Christmas ... back north to be with my family. I was within a 2 hour drive from my former 'home'. It was so close but there was no way we could make the drive ... that was hard.

Being with my family felt as close to 'home' as I have been in a while ... it felt good to be myself and be understood - even if it was in that old way that we all fall into when we are with family. It was close, it was a distraction, it was nice for a while.

Then came the end of Christmas and New Years and we had to come back 'home' to Florida. The only thing I truly missed was my own bed. Nothing about coming 'home' felt like 'home'. Florida is just where all my stuff is, where my bed lives now... it doesn't feel like 'home'.

This makes my husband really nervous ... he began getting all flustered for me and started trying to frantically work through the process for us to buy a home here. He wanted to set up times for me to get together with people so I can make friends. He wants me to feel at 'home' here. I love him for wanting that for me, but as much as I want those things too - I know they will only come in time and cannot be rushed.

I know I can't rush the process ... but I really wouldn't mind fast forwarding a few months past this ache in my heart that is longing for 'home'. Oh how Adam and Eve must have ached for the Garden after the Fall! How their hearts and minds must have continually found themselves reaching out to the past to recapture what they once had... but they could never have it again - it would never be the same.

It wasn't just the Garden they missed though it was - intimacy. Because that is really what 'home' is. Intimacy with their place - the place they knew they belonged, that they knew the ins and out of, that they were designed for. Intimacy with one another - known perfectly - seen perfectly - felt perfectly - understood perfectly. And Intimacy with God - something so indescribable - so beyond our comprehension - true face to face fellowship.

I only had a taste of that in my last 'home'. The lack of it here in the in between makes me understand some of their ache. And it is hard to ache.