last night

Last night I could feel the Lord's presence again before I fell asleep. He came and filled my heart. He was near, and I felt whole for the first time in a long time. I just cried, and kept thanking Him again and again for coming to be with me. It was like I knew He would not stay long, just as I was falling asleep, like a father stroking his daughters hair before she drifts off for the night. 


Even now it brings me to tears. I miss Him so much when He feels far away, and nothing seems to fit into place like it does when He is close. 


I need to keep myself open and worship Him even when I don't know what is going on and I am stuck in confusion. He is still with me, I need to believe that truth just as easily as I breathe.   


This David Chrowder song from Church Music, has been playing in my mind this morning as I think back on my night: 


My hands are searching for You
My arms are outstretched towards You
I feel You on my fingertips
My tongue dances behind my lips for You

This fire rising through my being
Burning, I'm not used to seeing You

I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

My hands float up above me
And You whisper You love me
And I begin to fade
Into our secret place

The music makes me sway
The angels singing say we are alone with You
I am alone and they are too with You

And so I cry
The light is white
And I see You

I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive

Take my hand, I give it to you
Now you own me, all I am
You said You would never leave me
I believe You, I believe

unsettled

The last few days have been difficult. I am unsettled. Trying to be satisfied with what God is giving and/or is not giving is not fun. I keep trying to present myself to the Lord, but my distracted thoughts keep getting in the way. I am aching for more, but getting nothing. I definitely still have not mastered waiting in hope.


I was talking with a friend today wondering if a holy discontent is okay. Or should I just continually be glad to accept whatever situation I find myself in - believing God has me here for a reason... The same questions come up when I am unsettled - Have I done something?, Have I sinned?, Do I just need to keep waiting, But why do my prayers feel flat?, Why does it feel like I am trapped, and my prayers are crashing into the ceiling? It seems good and pointless to keep asking these same questions. Good because I am examining myself, but bad because I feel like I am too focused on myself. 


He is not giving any answers - though not entirely true...I did get confirmation on someone who might be able to answer some of my questions. I don't know if it will turn into a mentoring relationship but who knows...it may. I just know things feel confused and jumbled as I try to put myself before Him and i don't know what to do next, or even what to think next. 


Part of my unsettling this week has been dealing with a couple of people who are in sin - and having to confront them. It was via email but still awful. Why do people want to leave Jesus behind - He is the only one who can answer all of our sin, and mess, and confusion - that much I do know. 


Here is a portion of the letter I wrote to my friend - as much as everything else seems so unclear - while I was writing this - God was very clear to me - His words ringing in my ears.... 


I know for me when I have to stand before the Lord at the end of my days - I want to know I have done everything in my struggle against sin. I have fervently prayed, struggled, and wept over it, been humbled, mourned - but it is worth it - to be able to stand in the light of His love. Because I know that Jesus has done the work for me. He has bought me at a price - and He is my master. And when He is directing my life and I am obedient, I will get to do amazing things that will last for all eternity. All because He is covering me with His blood and I am walking in His light. The beauty of having that kind of love in my life is priceless to me...I am praying that it is for you as well.

  

fear

Last night I experienced true dread before I went to sleep. It felt like something terrible was coming. I prayed for God to protect me and my family and all the pastors and their families at church. I am still wondering if it was a warning from God to pray or if it was an attack from Satan.

It is times like these that I feel like I am in over my head. Prayer is big work - and at times I feel utterly lost knowing how to proceed, or if I am discerning things rightly, or praying with the right motives.

After I prayed for everyone I asked the Lord if He would send someone to speak into my life - a mentor - someone who understands, someone who is a prayer warrior, or prophet or both or honestly just godly, discerning, and older. I have been praying this prayer for many years now. Last summer I got a 'no' for an answer - which was disappointing but at least I knew. I am unsure if He had no one available to send or if He just wanted to solely be my instructor. I don't know how long the 'no' was to last for - so I am praying again for someone to help me.

Perfect love casts out all fear - I am trusting in that, I keep repeating it to myself again and again.

river of delights

Your unfailing love, O Lord, is as vast as the heavens;
Your faithfulness reaches beyond the clouds.
Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains,
Your justice like the ocean depths.
You care for people and animals alike, O Lord.
How precious is Your unfailing love, O God!
All humanity finds shelter in the shadow of Your wings.
You feed them with the abundance from Your own house,
letting them drink from the river of delights.
For You are the fountain of life,
the light by which we see.

Psalm 36: 5-10

I love many of the pictures in this passage. I especially love " letting them drink from the river of delights - For You are the fountain of life, the light by which we see." How I long to delight in You alone God. For your light to be the only by which I see all things.

treasure

Am I living like Jesus is the prize, the greatest treasure, do I count everything else as loss in comparison to Him?

For the longest time I would read the parable of the man who finds a treasure in a field ( who then goes and sells all he owns and buys that field ), and would walk away wondering. I would think about what kind of treasure he had found - I usually would conjure up in my mind some sort of pirates treasure chest. And then it always seemed silly to me to go and sell everything to get this treasure when he could have just dug it up and had even more money.

I have always known what the parable truly meant - but I just didn't get it. Up until last summer I have only had small tastes of God. Bits and moments here and there, nothing extreme. The tastes would always drive me to keep plodding along but I would never have thrown away everything else to run after Jesus like the guy in the parable. Why does God give Himself out in such small amounts?

In the last 9 months or so I have been struggling with God to defeat certain sins that have been in me for years. A prideful demanding spirit, idolatries, escape techniques to avoid Him, and a whole bunch of lies. I probably - no wait - I definitely would not have been willing to shed these things if God had not given me such a grand taste of Him. The shedding was hard, gut wrenching work. I had been hanging onto some of those sins for my whole life - they defined me in some ways. But because I finally had seen the real treasure - Jesus - and met with Him, heard from Him, felt Him - I knew His heart. I could trust Him and be willing to let go.

I think God wants to give Himself to us more fully, but we don't attend to Him enough to know that, and experience Him. I was giving Him my left overs, all the while thinking He should be thanking me for what little time I gave Him. My pride and lack of passion and commitment are what kept me from knowing Him.


Oh God, how I want to continue to shed all of this crap in me. Give me more faith to follow you with everything that I am. Help my heart to treasure you above all things, and give me energy, strength and wisdom to choose You above everything else.

home

...More than surrender. I had that before. More than listening to God. I tried that before. I cannot find the word that will mean to you or to me what I am experiencing. It is a will act. I compel my mind to open straight out toward God. I wait and listen with determined sensitiveness. I fix my attention there, and sometimes it requires a long time early in the morning.
                                                              - Frank Laubach

I am trying to figure out just what this means..." a will act. I compel my mind to open straight out toward God." There are many concepts that I understand as Laubach explains them but this idea of opening my mind straight out to God seems elusive. I feel like I get the concept of being still before God - I can do that, though I am continually filled with many distractions. And I feel like I get the idea of turning my inner monologue into a dialogue with the Lord - I am trying to do that more often. And I get the idea of returning my thoughts back to God again and again all day long - I feel like I am trying to do that as well - with increasing frequency. But I do not feel like I am getting this one. Even though I am spending many of my thoughts on the Lord and praying much more, I do not feel like I have entered a new spiritual home yet.

Another writer, Alice Smith, says that for her to enter that special place with the Lord - she spends a great deal of time praising the Lord - speaking words of love and adoration to Him in prayer. I have been trying to do that more. I have asked the Lord to fill me with words of praise for Him because my words always seem so small and weak. I have tried praying through and meditating on scripture as well - at the very least trying to borrow words of praise.  All of these attempts are good and I am learning a lot but I do not feel like I have made it home yet. But I am determined to keep trying.

remembering

perfect love casts out all fear. i am hidden with Christ in God. He is for me - so who can ever be against me. there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. certainly my heavenly Father knows how to give me good gifts. every good and perfect gift comes from above. draw near to God and He will draw near to you. consider it all joy when trials come. count all things as loss in comparison to knowing Jesus. if we are to share in His glory than we must also share in His suffering. at his right hand are pleasures forevermore. better is one day in Your courts than a thousand anywhere else. boldly approach His throne. i am a new creature in Christ. i am seated with Him in the heavenlies. those He has chosen...He has also glorified. the Spirit groans and prays on our behalf in accordance with the will of the Father. surely His goodness and love will pursue me all the days of my life. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He restores my soul. all for His names sake.

so much has been done on my behalf, so much is being done for me, I must continue to be open - I must do the one thing that is required of me - to believe.
Father, help me in my weakness, please give me more faith.

unseen

I had sent out a call to any in my church who wanted to pray with me before the service. A couple of people responded and said they wanted to but couldn't be there on Sunday. I hoped for at least one person to show even if they did not email. I got just one - she is a good friend. So for a few minutes before the service we prayed together, and it was an amazing experience. I felt like we were doing actual work. I think because we were.

The service was great. Not just because the music was great - it was. Not just because my husband preached a great and passionate message, though he did. Not just because of great people all around. But because I could feel that God was in all of it. I had been praying all week for God to be moving in us, for His Spirit to fall on us - to work in us, to convict us, to free us from sin, to open us up to Him, for people to be saved. And I feel like He has begun to do it.

I don't know all the ins and outs of exactly how God uses prayer. From all that I have read in scripture and from great pray-ers, it seems that God chooses to work through prayer. He actually releases His power through our prayers. The trick for us in this is to know what to be praying for. Because if we are not in tune with His will and/or the motives in our hearts are for myself - then we will be ineffectual, and we will not be doing the work of prayer. But If we get to know the heart of God, and practice listening to Him, and spend much time with Him - He will lead us to what we are supposed to be doing and praying. That was how this felt - I felt led into prayer, He laid a burden on my heart, I listened to His heart, and I prayed a lot about the things he has shown me. Nothing I have done has been perfect - of that I am sure - especially since I know there have been times in the last week when I should have prayed but instead did something else because it was all too much. But when I was obedient, when I did follow His voice, I was blessed to be a part of something amazing.

It is so unseen, so otherworldly. It is so intimate yet I wouldn't say I felt the Lord's presence like I have before. It has been so amazing just to be a part of what God is doing in the unseen realms. And then to see some results here in the world we do see with our eyes - it feels like fruit.

The burden today is not as strong - I wonder if it will fade away until another time or if it will build up again until Sunday. We will see what God does. I pray for even more obedience to His desires.

miles and laps

Yesterday I prayed a lot. The burden to pray has been so full, so heavy, I felt sick to my stomach all day. I prayed in the morning for an hour, I prayed all day long in the midst of life, I prayed in more focused bursts throughout the day too. Yet the burden never lifted. I am feeling that way again today.

Last night I locked myself in my room to pray for an hour or so. I had my Ipod filled with worship music, I sat down in my prayer spot - in front of a window by my bed, and worshipped and prayed. Each song that came up I lifted up as a prayer for myself and my church. I cried, I prayed in images, I read scripture, I sang, I praised, I prayed for all the people who I know are hurting.

When I felt released from prayer I was depleted. I needed to eat, it was as if I had run several miles, or swam a thousand laps.

Last night before going to bed, I was reminded about Jeremiah's burning bones - I looked up the reference 20: 9 " If I say I will never mention the Lord or speak His name, His words burn in my heart like a fire. It's like a fire in my bones! I am weary of holding it in!" I am no great prophet like Jeremiah...but that is how it feels if I do not pray. This feeling does not die down until I put my whole body into prayer - all of my guts - everything.

Sustain me Father to do what You have called me to do. I pray you will raise up more people to do this work with me.

toward you

Oh how I want to run from this pain in my gut. I wake up and its still there, all day long it is with me. Everything in my flesh says to bury it, hide in TV, play a game, go shopping, distract yourself, do anything - but just stop attending to the ache.

But how can I do that? How could I abandon this need - just turn away and run from what God is calling me to do. This pain can be nothing in comparison to others, to what Jesus had to move into when He walked toward the cross.

God give me strength to keep opening myself to You. To keep praying into this burden for You. To keep praising You all the while. Help me to turn toward You and to not be afraid.

burden

The Lord has placed a burden on my heart to pray for my church. It feels pretty heavy at times. It feels like a weight of anxious energy constantly driving me to pray. So I have been praying a lot. It is not the same as trying to practice the Lord's presence, though it is hard for me to think of ways to explain the difference. Seeking the Lord's presence feels like pursuing a joy, or rest. This feels more like work - not bad work, but something that needs to get done - urgently done. Yet even when I pray the need to pray is still with me when I am done.

I have read a book called Beyond the Veil by Alice Smith, she writes about intercessory prayer - it has been very helpful for me in identifying just what this urgent anxious weight is all about. I would not have known otherwise - that God uses physiological things to trigger us to pray. She writes for us to keep praying until you feel a release - I haven't felt it yet - so I will continue to pray - and ask others to pray as well.

It's not like I don't feel like I am pursuing God's presence, because I feel like I am doing just what I ought to be doing. This is where He is leading, so this is where I am going. It's just not what I thought it would be.

Sunday

Yesterday was Sunday. I had an amazing prayer time in the morning before church. I felt led by God through it, but also felt like I was really doing something - accomplishing something for God. I am wondering specifically why it was different...

Recently, I have been feeling an urgent need to pray for many people at church. It feels like a near constant burden. Its not just for certain people but I think for a spiritual battle happening within our spiritual borders. The burden just keeps growing. God does not see fit to give me too many details - just the burden to pray and vague images. So I am praying a lot. The image is of a dark cloud lingering overhead, and God releasing His angels to fight. He wants to break through, He wants to bring freedom, and release more power in the Spirit.

I realized on Sunday, as I was watching Satan distract and disrupt the service through an unwitting servant that I have been praying for positive things to happen from the Lord, but I have not been praying against Satan. So now I will be adding that in with a whole lot of Jesus' name. I can honestly say that all of this is new ground for me - and I need to do some more reading to understand what the Lord has gotten me into. I am sure He will provide whatever grace is needed along the way as I learn. Praying without ceasing has never seemed so real.

Psalm 90:16-17
Let us, Your servants, see Your work again; let our children see Your glory. And may the Lord our God show us His approval and make our efforts successful, yes make our efforts successful!

Calyx

Observe the expression of abandonment about the rose calyx as time goes on, and it begins to grow towards the end for which it has had to count all things as loss. The look of dumb emptiness has gone. It is flung back joyously now, for simultaneously with the new dying - a richer life has begun to work at its heart - so much death, so much life.                                      
 - Lilias Trotter in Elizabeth Elliot's A Path through Suffering

The picture of the calyx (or sepals of a rose, the tiny leaves just at the base of the petals) flung back joyously keeps sticking in my mind. I picture my arms flung back my whole body being given over to the Lord. That picture of total abandonment and freedom of letting go of all things, counting them as loss. Knowing that in the death of the petals - new life is emerging deep within.

Father, I pray for this kind of faith that can be flung back in joy to await whatever you may bring - knowing you will take care of me.

Outside

Outside around my home is lovely. It's summertime and everything is fresh and alive and green. Often I will lay on a blanket under a Dogwood tree in my side yard. Its a great place to see and hear creation sing its song to God.

I laid facing the sky and saw so many white fluffy seeds floating by, and remembered God teaching me last summer how He is weaving every little thing together to serve Him. He knows where each seed will land, which will become new life, which will die - He sees how it all fits and brings Him glory.

I also saw a woodpecker. He was big. He had a red crown and black and white feathers and an amazing sound. I will remember his sound so that when I hear him next I will know what it is. He hopped up and down the trunks of trees near by looking for food and He was beautiful.

There are a ton of chipmunks around my home too. They are so cute - and really aren't too afraid of me and my family - they come pretty close to us. They scurry around gathering seeds all while they chirp at one another.

There are so many other birds too - some I am learning to know when I see them and hear them. The other day we had turkeys out back too. And there are always rabbits to see. We have a family of hawks that live across the street. And in the Spring we have a crazy amount of spring peepers. I am excited for the fireflies to come out at soon and make the night sparkle.

All of this causes my heart to sing when I am out in it. At times it's hard to let it end. All of yesterday afternoon I just laid out watching all of these small things working together in concert and I let my mind come back to praise again and again. Each time I strayed to silly thoughts, I would remember and then come back to praise. I prayed for friends, and my family, and read my Bible some, but mostly tried to ask God what was on His heart. I never felt I got a grand answer - just a small taste of His presence and a lot of peace. I am hoping to have many more opportunities like this - this summer. It was such a peaceful way to practice His presence.

inner dialogue

Frank Laubach writes " All thought employs silent words and is really conversation with your inner self. Instead of talking to yourself, form the habit of talking with Christ."

I have been thinking about this idea for months now. I have even begun. There are times that I am standing and waiting and I remember that I can redeem these moments, If I would just turn my mind to the Lord. Its simple to begin to try, it may not last long before I am distracted again, but for a few more minutes of my day I am talking with the Lord. I may be telling Him about mundane things - but He cares about my mundane things. He wants to teach me to worship Him even in that. And a few times He has redirected my thoughts to think about something He wants me to care about. A friend who needs prayer will come to mind, or it may be He wants me to see the wind blowing in the trees and reflect on it.

" When you are strolling out of doors alone, you can recall the Lord at least once every minute with no effort. (that is the way Frank Laubach suggest beginning - think on the Lord once every minute all day long) If you wander to a place where you can talk aloud without being overheard, you can speak to the invisible Companion inside you. Ask Him what is most on His heart and then answer back aloud with your voice what you believe God replies to you."

I am not at the place where I am speaking to God aloud yet...but I like the idea of asking God what is on His heart. I think I have been too self centered to even think of such a question until now. It will be something I try to remember to do more often.

praise

Lord, my words almost always fail me. They never express my heart. They never come close to touching all that you are doing in me. But I will try to praise you...

Father as I picture you glorious in heaven, glowing in perfection, so separate, so above, so other, I am amazed.

You have made so many things to sing of Your praises, so many things that help us know You, that tell Your story. The stars at night singing through the dark - pinpricks of light, shining Your glory. The moon in bright white and pale blue whispers your name as it pierces the night. The sun in the morning welcomes the day with Your blessings and the promise of seeing the fullness of Your glory in my future. And the sunset in evening, displayed with astounding color, echoes the joy of Your heart in beauty and peace.

How I long to sing with all of creation. It never fails to glorify You - it was made to do nothing else. Make me to sing with it, Father. May Your glory shine through me like the stars. May all of my whispers be filled with Your name. May I awake and be filled with thankfulness for your promises. And may I end the day echoing the joy of Your heart.

self

I have been reading Piper lately. 'Don't Waste Your Life' specifically. It's really a challenging book, not the reading per se but the concepts. I think it could be one of those life changing books - we shall see where God takes it in me. Any way - that among other things - is really challenging me to stop thinking about myself so much.

I spend too many thoughts on me and not enough on the Lord. I spend too many moments on me and not enough serving the Lord. My heart spends too much love on things that do not matter. My soul is too focused on my flesh and not nearly enough on worship.

My thoughts are trained on how I feel, how am I doing. Instead they should be on what the Lord feels and what the Lord's will is. I spend my time seeking the next thing that will make me comfortable, or the next distraction, or the next escape. Instead of turning to the Lord and asking what His desires for me are, and what His will for this hour may be. My heart wants to be filled with useless things like TV, and food, and pleasure. Instead I should be seeking the Lord's heart for me - and letting His love fill me up and satisfy me. And when I pray my soul is before the Lord, but I am there to be blessed rather than give the Lord a blessing.

I am broken. How can I fill my mind with worship Lord - when my mind is so filled with me? Please free me from this mess - teach me to be abandoned to your praise.

treading water

I am still waiting. But the last few days I have not been waiting expectantly. I have not been open.

To be truthful - I am tired. Everything about life right now feels slow and exhausting and I am having a hard time seeing the Lord in it. I want to trust His character and I am trying not to try, while I still try to do something to draw near.

I struggle with striving. Trying to get God to do what I want Him to do - or at least trying to do all that I can to make the way open for Him. But I can't seem to let go and rest in Him when He doesn't feel near. I am not sure how to let go. I don't feel led, I don't feel like I am moving forward - I feel l like I am treading water - just barely staying above the water.

Last summer it didn't feel like 'trying' to be with Him - it just was. Since that is my only point of comparison I am feeling lost. I am trying not to despair. But again I am still trying.

Perhaps I need to let myself drown? - I don't know.