anesthesia

Still feeling numb … but I guess that's OK. At least I'm not weeping everyday like I did last November/December. That REALLY sucked. I had a friend read my last post and send this email to me:

As I read and prayed... I kept thinking, "Physicians numb their patients for merciful reasons." Yes, I know numbness many times is used as a way of coping, but I also know that when an anesthetic injection is deposited where our nerve is located, we're being protected from the intense pain that would otherwise rock our world! It's my experience that when all the feelings return after coming out from under Jesus' anesthesia that much of the reorienting and reformation of my emotions and desires came under the care of my Spiritual Therapist, the Holy Spirit, like that of a physical therapist. Healing addresses the place where spiritual surgery was performed and it addresses the recovery from the surgery, which includes how it affected my desires and emotions. Anesthetics can suppress a lot: naturally and supernaturally. 

I was truly grateful for her words because most people just nod their heads sympathetically and have no clue what is happening to me and in me. She reminded me too, that this is the life of a prophet… being misunderstood. As much as I know that people want to understand and are seeking to know me… it does not change the simple fact that it is hard to continually live in this space.

The Lord did tell me before this numbness set in that the next thing He was going to do in me was reform my feelings. So now in this time of not feeling anything … It's nice to know what He is specifically up to in me. 

Having a Spirit on spirit surgery is unlike anything I've ever gone through before … these 2 years of silence and now numbness have been painful and so confusing. But just like any surgery … if there is a promise of real healing on the other end, I am glad I am getting the work done. So at least during the numbness - healing is happening … and when my heart finally wakes up … I will once again be able to feel the Lord and understand - I HOPE! - at least some of what He has been up to inside me. And that will be truly glorious.

numb

I'm really not sure what to write. Not much has changed since I last wrote.

I still feel numb…. like I have no feelings. Though I am glad to have a break from the really dark part of this darkness and feel like I've gotten to come up for a little bit of light … healing still seems a ways off. The Lord has spoken a bit and explained a few things to me. But I still can't sense His presence or hear Him in the Word etc… My numb feelings make it hard to really enjoy anything, or be sad about anything … there are no guts to my emotions. I think of all those suffering in Nepal and think … that's sad … but have no real reaction. A friend tells me something gut wrenching … and no reaction. A friend sits with me on the couch as I tell her what is stirring in me - or rather what is not stirring - and she is crying, and I simply can't. I used to cry ANY time anyone else cried or was hurting. Now I can't muster up any feeling for anyone.

But I feel numb about all things right now, counseling, sex, my kids, reading, practicing piano, taking care of my house, decorating, church … just about everything. Its actually exhausting to feel this numb,  all I want to do is sleep.

The Lord did tell me He wanted to reform my feelings. That it was the next thing He would be working on. Perhaps my emotions are locked up for now while He is working on my spirit with His Spirit. Truly, I am not sure. But, if He is, than at least I can be a bit hopeful that something good is happening beneath my surface.

In the middle of all of this I am still on the 'barely calorie' diet. I am in the home stretch. Less than a week I go back to my Doc and get to find out if I can move to phase 2. Which is still no carbs/starches/sugars BUT includes way more choices of meat, EGGS, veggies, cheese and fats. Mayo is calling my name! I hope I have lost enough and that my insulin level is down enough because I am struggling. I am starving, and sick of leafy lettuce things, and dreaming about donuts or other lovely sweet things on a fairly regular basis. The numbness seems to help a bit in this area … because my desire to cook or do anything in the kitchen is simply gone too … so at least I don't have to think or care much about food either.

As I sat with a friend (an older lady! Praise God for that!) the other day … and told her my struggle… she cried for me. She said she would pray for me. And she encouraged me to be thankful for all that God has given me already. To be joyful for the extreme passion and privilege He has given me to be able to pray as I have, be intimate with Him as I have, to minister the way that He has allowed in the past. I said I don't think I can muster up a true joy … but I can at least remember and be thankful… even if it is just a mental assent. It is obedient and in line with scripture. She encouraged me also that even though the Word feels dead … that it never turns up void. Very true! So someday all this that felt numb and like meaningless steps … GOD will USE. I am thankful for that… even if its just a mental assent.

food hope

AHhhh… another diet. In the midst of this dark night I must also submit to a new diet plan.

Here's what's been happening is this area of my life… Every time I share what is happening with my life with people who really don't get it ( they are super well meaning and are praying for me ), they tell me I should go see a doctor. This of course is frustrating to me … because when it comes down to it I know this is spiritual and NOT medical. BUT, when I went to go visit my good friend in Alabama,  whose husband has been suffering with an unknown affliction for months, I thought it just couldn't hurt to know what is going on with me physically as I suffered spiritually. It boiled down to finally feeling released and encouraged by God to go and do it. I hate going to see the doctor … so many bad things have happened that I will not name here.

Anyhow, I prayed about who to go see and felt like it was good to go see this Doctor from our church. He prayed a prophecy over me last fall, we've had dinner with he and his wife, and I knew he was medical, holistic, and godly. I knew he would really listen to me.

So I went. And I told him I hate to go to the doctor and why … and then I listed out 20 things that hurt on my body. I couldn't believe when I made that list in advance! I literally live with at least 20 things that hurt every day!? It's crazy to me that I have been living like this for so long. He agreed that indeed I am living with a lot of pain and it shouldn't have to go on. After, the LONG list, he looked up and declared that I had fibromyalgia. Just like that. Wait, what? I said -- 'you can just declare that - just like that?' And he said that I had the classic presentation. Hmmm. OK.

Now I have to get all kinds of blood tests and go on special diets to clean out my gut and fix my immune system. I had a special blood test called the ALCAT to test for food sensitivities. Nothing significant came up there actually … but my blood work did. I had an insulin level of 30 … its supposed to be like a 5 or 6 … my doctor was very concerned and said it had to come down now. I am on a ton of supplements now and a few meds and I am on a barely calorie diet for the next month. 500-600 a day. I fast thru breakfast and eat lettuce/and or veggies and a tiny bit of meat for both lunch and dinner. The list of things I can eat is pretty dang minimal.

But at least I know why I am always hungry, and crave carbs non stop. Its the insulin level. My doctor said that essentially to MY body all starches, carbs, sugars etc … are like alien food. Its as if I went to Mars to try and eat. He told me I would more than likely never be able to eat much of them again. SAD  face here for no more cookies! My body over reacts to carbs/starches/sugars and sends out WAY too much insulin and that insulin then stores all the food away as fat for later (this is why I gain weight so dang easily). But my body then is malnourished and wants more food all the time because its not really getting any (this is why I am hungry ALL the dang time). And the easiest food to feed starving cells is …. you guessed it sugar (so this is WHY I crave carbs ALL the dang time!). Its a vicious cycle. The more I feed it what it says it wants - the less heathy I become. This is sin at its worst people!! Even our physical bodies are so steeped in sin that they don't know what the hell to do anymore!

So I have been on my diet for a week now and lost 8 pounds. I don't know my start weight … because I really want this to be about getting healthy. I know putting on smaller clothes and looking better will be an added benefit - but I'm trying not to focus on it.

I know the reason for all of this … is to prepare me and my body for what God is bringing next. I'm pretty sure that will be fasting intercession. What I will be praying for is less clear … But I am excited to do what God calls me to. I am excited to see how He will use me. And I am already excited to know that all that business of dealing with my shame last Fall was in part for this. To free me from the roots of this sins that helped me perpetuate this cycle of eating to please myself. Now when my Doctor told me I can't really ever have carbs again - aka Christmas cookies, Cheesecake etc etc … I didn't clench inward - thinking to myself - there is NO WAY. This time … it actually feels possible. Like God is making the way to be truly free.

The Dark Night

The Wall … or The Dark Night of the Soul … is supposed to be hard. It's supposed to be confusing, and long, difficult, gut-wrenching, soul ripping, dark, mysterious work.

It is the stripping of the old ways. The former nature that we cling to. The old kingdom. It is self being dealt with… but not in the usual ways … the ways that we have been used to.

The usual ways of dealing with sin consists of, a revealing of some kind. Scripture speaks to us and we are convicted. A friend says something and we are convicted. A pastor speaks from the pulpit and we are convicted. We struggle against it sometimes, and other times it's easy to see. We confess our sin. In a group, with a friend, or on our own. It is done and forgiven. We pray for the Spirit to inhabit that old place. We pray for new understanding and belief. We practice the new ways. It's a process, and it is often hard. Sometimes the Lord allows it to be easy - but not usually. This is the usual way… a generalization for sure… but this is how it has been for me up until about 2 years ago.

Then suddenly I moved - physically - we moved homes, states, churches. But God moved me spiritually too. He had me all to Himself quite literally. I knew no one - not really anyway - who lived nearby. I felt alone except for my family. My husband was super busy finding his way in a new job and even I had a new job (homeschooling) -- which kept me isolated even more.

I thought it was a perfect time to become even more intimate with the Lord… except then He stopped speaking. And He plugged up my spiritual ears as well. Everything went quiet. I felt alone, abandoned, and buried under a mile of dirt.

I KNEW He was still there. I KNEW that He loved me. But all my experiences and feelings and daily life felt dull and spirit-less. I struggled against despair, and depression, anger, my idols … and felt helpless to solve any of the problems inside and out. I cried out to God daily - aching for His nearness - or really any response.

Now I know that this is all a part of the Dark Night. The stripping of my outward sense of the Lord. It FEELS like abandonment … BUT really it is the beginning of the deeper work… an internal work from The Spirit directly to my spirit.

As the darkness has continued it seems to have become even more stifling. This is true even though at times - rare moments - He has allowed me to hear Him directly, or through a friend. He had me look at the deepest hole I was hiding within myself … a deep hole of shame I didn't know was dictating much of how I lived my life. I cried more during those months I think than all my previous tears put together. It sucked. And even still I don't feel completely healed.

I guess I don't feel healed because there is more to come. Even a month ago I would have outwardly moaned at that thought. Now the Lord at least has given me a glimpse of what it is I am undergoing, and that seems to make the whole thing more bearable at least for now. As I read St. John of the Cross' book, 'The Dark Night of the Soul', I gather that it gets even worse … but that there are moments of peace interspersed to get refreshed from the Lord before you go into the darkness again. Though I don't relish the thought of going dark again … at least I now know a little of what the Lord is up to during the mysterious inner work. He is purging sin. He is cleansing out to the deepest roots. He is making more room for the deepest connection - a true depth of revelation about our union with Christ.

Oh to be fully known and to know … to be free of self and be able to worship with total abandon! To be so intimate with Jesus to be encapsulated with Him. To be ushered into fellowship with the Trinity!
I know these things are already true of all believers … but to comprehend it is another thing entirely! To have it revealed to the core of my soul and feel it - to be able to truly express my love and joy in the Lord back to Jesus from the very depths of my new self. Truly, I can't wait.

so many BOOKS!

I've read a few books recently and am on a fourth.

The first was 'The Healing Gifts of the Spirit' by Agnes Sanford. I enjoyed her spunk and many of her stories and straight forward approach to scripture and healing. There were a few moments that seemed weird but I am unsure if I misunderstood them or if they were just plan outside of normal … but none the less I was encouraged to pray for healing for myself and others. I have been feeling led to pray over people and sometimes don't know 'how' to ask for healing … and this helped with some simple tips and lots of encouragement.

The second was 'The Critical Journey' by Janet Hagberg and Robert Guelich. This was a fascinating book on the stages of our faith. The women I met at the creativity conference had told me about it. She had listed out the stages and gave me a picture/word illustration for each of the stages. So then I got the book and was super excited to read some of the very things I have felt in this particular stage I am in.

Here are the stages:

Stage 1 - The Recognition of God
                This describes coming to faith … seeing your need … grasping the gospel

Stage 2 - The Life of Discipleship
                This describes learning in your faith … being taught by leaders … digging into the Word

Stage 3 - The Productive Life/Service
                This describes going out and living out the service that you were made for … being                 productive in the Kingdom - just getting a lot done

Stage 4 - The Journey Inward
                This describes a dramatic shift from the first 3 stages to the next. Its a time of confusion … of      learning things deeper than you have before. Lots of questions … lots of struggle. A movement toward deep healing and soul change.

     The WALL (part of stage 4)
      This is the time where healing happens … usually in your depths and usually you do not get to be privy to it. God is at work. It is a hard place to be. You feel stuck and useless… but the if you submit to the work being done - healing comes at the end.

Stage 5 - The Journey Outward
               This can look a lot like stage 3 - getting a lot done …. but its done from a whole new place of internal rest and peace on the inside with the Lord. He has healed and changed and now you get stuff done in His time and in His way - submitted to Him.

Stage 6 - The Life of Love/Intimacy
               This is an understanding of your Union with Christ … fully knowing You are His Bride. You are filled and overflow with the Spirit and you give and give without being bothered by the sacrifice. You know who you are and you know the mind and will of Christ freely and easily.

All of the stages are good and necessary. It is a progression just as getting older is. Although it is possible to stop in this process and not move ahead. In fact, it says in the book, that most do not move past stage 3 … and that that is where most churches are encouraging people to end up … because once you are serving - you are an active participant in the Body….. The only problem is - THERE IS SO MUCH MORE!!!


As much as I loved being in Stage 3 - because it feels awesome to get stuff done and see God move through you in amazing ways! I am not there anymore! And its good and OK to be moving to the next thing God is calling me into. It felt crazy amazing to read about the WALL - because I am smack dab in the middle of that freakin' thing. I finally felt like someone understood where I am and had encouraging things to say about it. And even more encouraging to know that at the end of this long journey in the wall - God WILL heal!!! And even though I may not understand it all - or even explain it all - God is at work - deep under my surface - effecting big change. Whew!!

The Third book was 'Hinds Feet In High Places' by Hannah Hurnard. I had never read this before even though its a Christian classic. I really liked it. It's an allegory in case you didn't know. It had many beautiful mind pictures for our journey with Christ that I will continue to think about. But - and here is my BUT, I felt that the journey lacked any real agony, or true picture of inward struggle. And whenever Much-Afraid called on Jesus - He came to her aid immediately and talked her down from her whiney ledge. Now I believe that God answers us when we call - but sometimes He makes us WAIT! And for a long time. And the journey takes a LONG time … this seemed to be a little too breezy.
But at the end of her book - at least in my copy - were her journals from a trip to Switzerland that inspired the book. I loved reading those as well -- super awesome to hear from anyone who heard from the Lord in such a profound way.

The book I am reading currently, 'The Dark Night of the Soul' by St. John of the Cross. So far this has been AMAZING. This describes The Wall … with so much depth and accuracy - wow. And the wall - or the dark night he says leads to a fuller understanding and living out of our UNION with Christ. That is the journey that the Lord has set me on for the last bunch of years … and now I am in the darkness trying to submit to that deep work within…. SO THAT I can live totally encapsulated inside my union with Christ. I asked for this … He has answered … He is still answering. Praise Jesus. Now I just need to keep submitting.

practiced a new way to hear

A really good friend who is interceding for me and who is right now going through some amazing teaching and time for mission work suggested I take some time to do an exercise that she has learned and practice so that i could hear what the Lord was speaking to me. Here is that exercise.


I've got my soaking music on. ( a special Spirit-led wordless worship music)
Told the enemy to leave.
Repentance. … nothing specific came up. I confess pretty regularly, so I confessed some general stuff.
Be quiet and still. ( Fan on with the music to block out the kids )
Picture Jesus. ( I pictured reclining with Jesus in green pastures by still waters )
Tune into the thoughts and pictures that alight upon your heart.
Write down what you in hear to this question:

God, how do you see me?

I got three things…. The numbered things below are the 3 very brief things I heard from the Lord. I didn't know what they meant … even still I am curious. The actual time I spent was short - I was super tired and fell asleep. But I did hear from the Lord … even though I heard from Him - there was nothing that shook my heart with revelation and new understanding … nor did I feel healed from it. But Hey, its always nice to hear from Him.

 … Each of the 3 things I had to look up a reference to. They were references to things I heard months ago or in the case of the hymn YEARS ago. I listed them and then underneath wrote the 'commentary' that I later looked up.

1. reclining on a green couch looking at the rafters …

SOS reference 1:16 -17
"How handsome you are, my Beloved!
    Oh, how charming!
    And our bed is verdant.
The beams of our house are cedars;
   our rafters are firs.

I listened to a Mike Bickle sermon series on Song Of Solomon for part of last summer… I went back and reread the notes for these verses … verdant bed … or lush green couch depending on translation has to do with resting in God and pursuing intimacy above all else which leads you to this rest.

The beams of the house refer to a house's structure of strength. That we will dwell with Jesus in beauty and strength forever. 1 Peter 2:5  … you are being built into a spiritual house.

2. Let Him kiss me with the kisses of His mouth (word)  …

   SOS 1: 1 … the rest of the verse...
   for your love is more delightful than wine (this world)

I again referred to the Mike Bickle sermon series about this verse … it's a metaphor of longing for more intimacy with Jesus. His word is what proceeds from His mouth … His word is what tenderizes our heart and expands our capacity to receive His love and deeper intimacy.

3. this hymn - in fact this first line only … Jesus lover of my soul - let me to thy bosom fly

https://youtu.be/I5sde2JZrkY  …. here's a link to the closest rendition to the version I know, its very beautiful. I highlighted the parts that stood out as I listened … the last verse was my favorite.

Jesus, lover of my soul,
Let me to Thy bosom fly,
While the nearer waters roll,
While the tempest still is high.
Hide me, O my Savior, hide,
Till the storm of life is past;
Safe into the haven guide;
Oh, receive my soul at last.

Other refuge have I none,
Hangs my helpless soul on Thee;
Leave, ah! leave me not alone,
Still support and comfort me.
All my trust on Thee is stayed,
All my help from Thee I bring;
Cover my defenseless head
With the shadow of Thy wing.

Wilt Thou not regard my call?
Wilt Thou not accept my prayer?
Lo! I sink, I faint, I fall—
Lo! on Thee I cast my care.
Reach me out Thy gracious hand!
While I of Thy strength receive,
Hoping against hope I stand,
Dying, and behold, I live.

Thou, O Christ, art all I want,
More than all in Thee I find;
Raise the fallen, cheer the faint,
Heal the sick, and lead the blind.
Just and holy is Thy Name,
Source of all true righteousness;
Thou art evermore the same,
Thou art full of truth and grace.

Plenteous grace with Thee is found,
Grace to cover all my sin;
Let the healing streams abound;
Make and keep me pure within.
Thou of life the fountain art,
Freely let me take of Thee;
Spring Thou up within my heart;
Rise to all eternity.

bright moments

Since my last post I have gotten to do a couple of really cool things and I even heard a word from the Lord.  None of these things seems to have fixed me … but they have been a part of a slow crawl out of this pit I have been in. I'm depressed… I think that's a pretty undeniable fact at this point. The numbness I feel in my spirit cannot speak any other truth.

The first cool thing I got to do was go to a Daring Creativity conference for a Saturday. I had no idea what to expect from it … I didn't even really know what it was, except that it was for soul care. I got there, paid, and then they asked us to pick 3 pictures out of massive piles covering 3 huge tables. They asked us not to think about it too much but just choose what speaks to you whether good or bad. There were all kinds to choose from: places, faces, words, images, women, children, naked people, plants, and on and on. They were taken from old books and magazines and just placed out on these tables all overlapping in crazy piles so you can look through them all.

I didn't really know what I was doing but chose an 40's looking dancing girl in a bright orange dress, a woman laying serenely on green grass in a beautiful red dress, and a beautiful grumpy women with flowers in her hair sitting by herself. I also snuck a few others … a black and white photo of lovely faced women from the early 1900's with a big hat on, and a black and white photo of a plain couch sitting by itself under some lackluster art.

Then we sat and listened to the leader share her story of how God revealed pieces of herself through making these collages. As she spoke I was certain that we had so much in common. Issues with food, self-worth, both counselors, artistic … and so many more things. As I listened I felt like she and I just understood one another.

Well then she set us loose to work on our collages … and really there is no rhyme or reason to it unless approach it with a thought in your mind already. The point is - your supposed to let it reveal your sub-conscious to you … so just do what calls out to you and prayerfully consider what goes where. I didn't know quite where to begin … but then just decided to grab a bunch more pictures and dive in - just putting things together that felt right. We had several hours to put things on our little boards and ate lunch and then after making them we had time to 'interview' our collages, and share a bit in a small group.

So I made 6 different collages. But for the reflection time I really only got to think through 2 of them … I chose the first 2 because they had the most gut reactions. Here is what the reflection sheet was like:

Interview your collage card. If the images could speak how would they respond to these questions?

Who are you?
When does this part of your personality/journey show up in your life?
How have you treated this part of yourself/journey? Do you welcome or reject it?
What does God want to say to this part of your experience today?

So I interviewed my first card that had 3 women on it … the women in red on the grass, the black and white woman from the 1900's and the grumpy woman sitting alone.

And my second card was the 40's dancing woman in the orange dress … I placed her on top of the black and white couch and at the last minute placed a big flower with a stem on it as well.

I was amazed - truly AMAZED at what God revealed through this process!! Not only was it so fun, and so energizing … but the things that God spoke were so encouraging! The Lord told me I was beautiful … and to be patient … that change is coming … that for the new woman to be birthed in me it must come out of this bleak and hard time … but there will be so much joy and fire and Holy Spirit to come! There is so much more but it is hard to put into words without the pictures!

I also had a really great conversation with the leader … she was super encouraging - and totally understood where I was in my journey. The Dark Night of the Soul. The Wall. She shared with me a book that I just bought and have yet to read, about the stages of our walk with the Lord and that just made me feel a lot less crazy and lost. I am sure I will write about that book soon.

The next thing I did was go visit a dear friend at her place in Alabama. This was just a great time to talk and talk and talk. My friend is a great listener, reflector, question-asker, and conversationalist. We had so many great conversations! And we got to decorate and shop and go out to eat! By the end of 5 days we were exhausted but it was so worth it! I think we truly encouraged one another and just got a nice break. And I just felt useful there. Perhaps its the break from the routine but I don't feel that useful here in my own life. So it was a nice change.

The third thing that happened was small but wonderful. I was at church this past Sunday and we were about to have communion. My husband was up on stage giving everyone the charge to be reflective, confess sin, and spend time before the Lord before partaking. As I sat there listening, I thought of a list of things I wanted to confess once I got the bread and wine in my hand. As soon as I went forward and then sat down … I wanted to start down my list. The Lord however, jumped in and would not let me! He instead said … I am with you … you are my favored one. I felt his presence in that moment. And then he gave me an idea I hadn't thought of … Mary the mother of Jesus was the first one to experience true union with Christ - because she got to have Jesus growing inside her body. They were one body during that time. I still don't know what that means or what I am supposed to gain from it but it's exciting that I get to find out.

So I still can't say that this depression has moved out yet … but at least there have been some bright moments in the midst of so much darkness. It encourages me even now to think back on it all.