numb

I'm really not sure what to write. Not much has changed since I last wrote.

I still feel numb…. like I have no feelings. Though I am glad to have a break from the really dark part of this darkness and feel like I've gotten to come up for a little bit of light … healing still seems a ways off. The Lord has spoken a bit and explained a few things to me. But I still can't sense His presence or hear Him in the Word etc… My numb feelings make it hard to really enjoy anything, or be sad about anything … there are no guts to my emotions. I think of all those suffering in Nepal and think … that's sad … but have no real reaction. A friend tells me something gut wrenching … and no reaction. A friend sits with me on the couch as I tell her what is stirring in me - or rather what is not stirring - and she is crying, and I simply can't. I used to cry ANY time anyone else cried or was hurting. Now I can't muster up any feeling for anyone.

But I feel numb about all things right now, counseling, sex, my kids, reading, practicing piano, taking care of my house, decorating, church … just about everything. Its actually exhausting to feel this numb,  all I want to do is sleep.

The Lord did tell me He wanted to reform my feelings. That it was the next thing He would be working on. Perhaps my emotions are locked up for now while He is working on my spirit with His Spirit. Truly, I am not sure. But, if He is, than at least I can be a bit hopeful that something good is happening beneath my surface.

In the middle of all of this I am still on the 'barely calorie' diet. I am in the home stretch. Less than a week I go back to my Doc and get to find out if I can move to phase 2. Which is still no carbs/starches/sugars BUT includes way more choices of meat, EGGS, veggies, cheese and fats. Mayo is calling my name! I hope I have lost enough and that my insulin level is down enough because I am struggling. I am starving, and sick of leafy lettuce things, and dreaming about donuts or other lovely sweet things on a fairly regular basis. The numbness seems to help a bit in this area … because my desire to cook or do anything in the kitchen is simply gone too … so at least I don't have to think or care much about food either.

As I sat with a friend (an older lady! Praise God for that!) the other day … and told her my struggle… she cried for me. She said she would pray for me. And she encouraged me to be thankful for all that God has given me already. To be joyful for the extreme passion and privilege He has given me to be able to pray as I have, be intimate with Him as I have, to minister the way that He has allowed in the past. I said I don't think I can muster up a true joy … but I can at least remember and be thankful… even if it is just a mental assent. It is obedient and in line with scripture. She encouraged me also that even though the Word feels dead … that it never turns up void. Very true! So someday all this that felt numb and like meaningless steps … GOD will USE. I am thankful for that… even if its just a mental assent.