lament is over

I have surrendered everything. Everything I can think of at least. Every sin confessed time and again. My brain racked for every possibility. I have surrendered my life, desires, will, body, all leading down to my feelings and my five senses - everything surrendered … truly I felt like there was nothing left after that.

I have been stripped of everything. So stripped that I have felt totally empty. God has taken everything -there is no comfort left, no place to hide, no soft place to land. I have been left almost lifeless.

I have had these 2 years of silence. Virtually no intimacy with Jesus … just a few short moments - vapors really. No scripture, no voice - no hearing, no sense of Him at all.

I have been hanging on to promises and prophecy. I know He is faithful. I know He loves me and this is all for a purpose … truly I KNOW THIS. I trust in Him. Through others He has kept me on course - those few prophecies that friends have spoken over me have been a lifeline as I wait.

The gloomy weight that was pressing me down is gone - Literally many people told me last week at church that I was actually glowing. They commented on my smile and laugh. I felt like I was released from some kind of prison. And since everything else has been stripped and surrendered … what am I supposed to do now? Up until now and consistently,  the answer has been wait. Just wait. Keep on waiting. But here is a thought that has been occurring to me lately… even as everything has been taken and shed … the Holy Spirit still resides in me. I know that the Father has not left me - that He has still been intimate with me - even though He hasn't allowed me to feel Him … and The Holy Spirit HAS NOT left me… so somehow I should still be able to exhibit the fruit of the Spirit - right? Yes! The problem was that I was so weighed down - I felt so dead… I had no space in my life to do much of anything except lament.

As an aside … Lament is no fun. But so necessary. Lament is not just complaining as I have been recently reminded. Lament is a holy complaint. It is a complaint that is taken to God … not murmured under your breath. Lament is an honest struggle - honest questions - honest wondering - that you lay at God's doorstep - and you keep putting it there again and again. Complaints are just griping - bitching - with no other purpose than to blow off steam and stir up dissension and doubt. I am sure that I have had my moments of this … but MOST of what I have done is lament. JOB lamented. Moses lamented. The Psalmist lamented. And God PRAISES them. He honors their struggles. BUT he kills off complainers. They are the ones in the desert - the wilderness - the generation that gets killed off to usher in the faithful generation. Thank God He has taught me to lament! - to hope in Him - while I wonder what the heck He is up to. I could not have made it here without being able to lament. I am sure that it has not always been fun to read -- but this has been my format to pray and process as I lament to God.

I feel like my season of lament is over … yet I am not sure what the next season is… But I do know this … the Holy Spirit resides in me. The fruit of the Spirit are present in me - because the Spirit has never left - He is sealed in me. So even if I NEVER feel the Lord again - or hear Him directly - or I can't sense Him tugging at me in scripture, or receive another prophecy … or feel intimate in any way with Him … the SPIRIT lives in me. He WILL work in and through me. I can submit to the truth, I can OBEY the truth. I can read it and know the Word. I can call myself out on unloving moments - and pray for the strength of the Holy Spirit to correct me - and change me. I can believe that He will do it. Because that is what I am called to. To live out His love. His joy, and peace. His patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. These things are IN me - because the Spirit is IN me.

Lord, give me strength to display Your fruit. Let them shine out of me - despite myself. Let this body be yours … let this body display You. Lament is now over - let this BODY radiate YOU. Let Love flow out - Let JOY show up on my face. Let peace prevail - let PATIENCE be who I am. Father, I want to reveal your kindness, and goodness. I want to be gentle. Let your faithfulness continue in me - let self-control reign.