I'll take it

I am wondering what's next…

A couple of weeks ago I went away on our women's retreat. I did NOT want to go … not even a little. That's not normally how I feel about these things. I usually love hanging out with women and ministering to them. But if you have read my last post … that was what I was in the middle of. I felt dead - I felt lifeless - I hating being the dark cloud everywhere I went. I was sick of explaining myself. Sick of minimizing. My husband had to force me to go. As I arrived people didn't know what to do with me. I went up and hid in my room. Everyone said I looked unhappy - pissed off. But that's not quite it … I was just done. So done with the whole God - is - silent - Dark Night of the Soul thing. I just couldn't bear it anymore …

It was very hard to shake that feeling as the retreat began. That night we sat in small groups and had to share who we are with everyone. I tried to minimize -- share as little as I could get out -- until a woman asked me to clarify what I meant by silence. Then I was there describing my Summer of Jesus … and all that came with it then I found myself describing the silence - all the stripping and the pain of the silence. The one thing that is left is a desperate need for Jesus -- I just want Him.

Not much touched me during the retreat … I really didn't expect it to. I had a couple of great conversations with the woman who was speaking … and she said to me that she had the capacity to listen to engage. I so appreciated that.

BUT then I had a conversation with a dear older lady -- NOT that much older - but older than me. She wanted to catch up and listen to what was up with me. I shared… and she pushed me to cry - to let out my tears - my longing for Jesus … it was hard - tears have been hard to gather. But in that moment - and for just a moment I let out a few. AND in that moment - something changed. Something broke. The dark cloud that I had walked in with lifted … I can't name what that was - I can't explain it --- but the weight that pushed me down was gone. A level of freedom showed up that hasn't been there in a LONG time.

And finally I felt like I could really smile. Could really laugh.

Some healing took place -- I just don't know what. But I'll take it.