Lately, I've been waking up in a lot of pain. Fibromyalgia pretty much sucks. It causes your joints to become inflamed so they ache and hurt. So this morning was quite unpleasant.
My husband and I were just away on a retreat … so I tend to get a little more wild and free with eating while we are away. This is not to say I have been angelic or perfectly obedient to my diet when I am at home … but I have been making some progress as I steadily move toward a carb/starch/grain/sugar free diet. As much as I would love to just make a declaration over myself and pronouncing that I am over those lovely flavors … that is NOT how it has been. I usually have a bit of chocolate each day … if not a few bites of something totally yummy and sinful. So on our way down to the retreat we stumbled upon a Jamba Juice … hands down the best smoothies ever! So we decided to get one each instead of lunch. As promised it delivered a wonderful treat to my mouth. And then later that night we had room service! A delicious grilled Cuban sandwich … mmm bread… The only problem is that then I woke up the next morning I felt particularly crappy.
Then I realized in that moment - WOW - I feel like this because of what I ate yesterday! I had a ton of sugar and bread and not enough water … and the direct correlation to this food was how achy I felt. This was a huge moment. It was huge because I never understood how much food was affecting my body in this negative way. So the next morning I woke up and breakfast was provided for us at the retreat but it was a total carb fest … the only thing I could possibly eat 'safely' was an apple. BUT here's the thing … If I didn't know that the cause of my morning pain was the food I ate the day before … I would have eaten that carb fest - HAPPILY. BUT because I woke up with pain - I chose differently! I had the 'safe' apple… which was way less satisfying than the muffins and cereal but the next day I woke up with far less pain.
This all made me think thru my last doctors appointment. It was about a month ago. I was struggling through the 'numbness which then bled into meaninglessness' season which I had in the last few months. So my doctor wanted to put me on an antidepressant. I REALLY did not want to do that. I mean REALLY. I asked if there was anything else we could try first… he said that there was nothing that would get the job done. Then he said something I will never forget - 'I am just trying to ease your suffering.'
Well that made me really THINK!! I left there pondering that phrase. That is the very thing we are all trying to avoid. I mean who really WANTS to suffer? Not me. No one does. This is the thing we run from - and we run into our American culture and see everywhere that it is not only OK but totally acceptable to run from all things that might cause us pain. And not only running from it all, but running TO something that makes us feel better even if its just for a moment. In fact we say things like 'I deserve this' … or 'I need this' … when really it boils down to an excuse for our self-placating behaviors and addictions. I do this all the time with food and TV and a million other things … the first 2 just happen to be top on my list.
My goal CAN NOT BE to ease my suffering. Suffering instead, has to become my TEACHER. If I had chosen the easy route with the antidepressants they would have masked all of my pain. (in my case I believe they were not needed because my mood was brought on by another medication - which I also decided to end. However, I do not feel that anti-depressants are bad in any way if they are truly needed for a season.) And If I had masked all of my pain, I would have missed my opportunity to learn the correlation between my food intake and pain the following day… and my decisions would not have changed. Because I chose to allow the suffering instead of run away from it - I allowed it to train me. And how can I ever re-train myself unless I submit to a new way of doing things? Suffering then has to be a part of herding me into something new.
Who knew suffering could be so helpful? Now if only I could get to the place where I welcomed it with joy … hopefully someday that will be a post all its own.
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