light

Light has come!

Honestly, I wasn't expecting it so quickly, but I am so grateful! The oppression has not lifted but I have been lifted up within it.

My last 2 posts from earlier today and yesterday - explains how I have been feeling for days, weeks, months and I could even say years. I have been living a defeated life for far too long. A life that has been plagued with continuous sin struggles - the same ones again and again. Anger, gluttony, and other forms of escapism have been idols - weights around my neck. I have been begging God to show me how to be rid of them. Begging Him to show up in His power and defeat them in me. Begging Him to give me the faith to stand in the midst of the battle and submit to His leading.

At first I wanted them gone because they were a bother to me - I wanted to be pretty and seen. I wanted to be loving but I also wanted to appear godly. I wanted God to show up and make my life better... And then God showed me my sin.

When I had my amazing summer with God - that is when I finally realized He wanted to know me. Walk with me, be with me - actually have the relationship with Christ we all talk about. He wants me to talk to Him, share my heart with Him, worship Him, love Him. He wants to show me things the way He sees them, share His power, love, and His heart with me. It was the best time in my life. Nothing has compared - nothing.

When he removed His presence - He told me it was to destroy these idols from my life - He said we have work to do. At first I rebelled and fell into my old ways - blaming Him, not trusting His goodness, running away to my idols. That is when my idols really didn't satisfy - because nothing could compare to my summer with Him. So finally I had to trust Him. I had to believe that He wanted to be with me, I had to believe His word to me. That is when He began to teach me about faith and that is when I began to pray for faith to be born in me. I had the faith of salvation but I did not have the faith that God was good, that He longed to know me, that He did want to grow and change me - and that no matter how much it hurt now - it would all turn out for His glory - and that was what was truly best for me too.

It has been a long and bumpy road - and it is not over yet - but there is light! Faith is being born in me. My heart is changing. I am finally - wholly - submitting to His work in me. I want Him - honestly - I can write this with tears in my eyes and say - I want Him more than anything else. I want His glory to be displayed and I want His glory to shine out of me.

So what is the change? ...