evil hands

I feel like shit today. I have been running from God most of the day.

Flesh has a way of reaching out any way it can. Fasting ... it has been really hard this last week - like really hard. I want to eat, I am hungry, temptation has been awful. I have continued in my obedience with food, but the rest of my flesh wants to get out. It's like evil hands reaching out from within me trying to grab at anything - trying to gain control, trying to be heard, trying to do what it wants.

I have been awful to my family. I have resented my kids and my husband. I am angry or irritated constantly about everything and nothing. I have to correct my kids constantly and I resent it. I hate cleaning up after them. I hate getting them going in the morning. I don't want to clean, or do any chores, or cook. I have just been miserable.

How can I yield everything all at once? I want to. I don't want this. I hate this.

As I was praying this morning, I felt the Lord saying - 'you haven't been serving ... you have been serving yourself.' All the cleaning has been for me - because I want it clean - so I can relax - it's not for my family. And then I resent them when they mess up my clean. I haven't been pointing my kids to Jesus - I have been pushing them around (not literally) - trying to get what I need them to do - so we can be done - and I can go be alone.

Alone, sometimes feels like the only safe place ... then I can hide and I don't have to keep being so shitty to everyone.

I don't want this, Jesus - please kill my flesh, please put this shit to death in me.

I want to worship you, I want to serve my family, I want to bring You glory. Please save me from my flesh. I want my whole self to serve You.