questioning unto faith

(this post has been in my drafts for a while - so a bit out of sequence) While on my retreat the Lord put some things together for me.

I have been reading Luke with a friend and discussing. So of course we have read Christ's birth narrative. I have been reflecting on Zechariah's angelic meeting with Gabriel verses Mary's. And how they both asked questions of Gabriel but only one gets rebuked and muted for 9 months. I am afraid up until recently in my faith journey I would have fallen into Zechariah's camp. I have  questioned unto doubt. I have doubted God's character, I have questioned His love for me, questioned His desire to bless. It stings to know that about myself, but it is true nonetheless.

Mary questions unto faith. She trusts God's character even when she doesn't know how all the details will work. She knows God's love is true - it is real to her - it is daily truth to her. She has felt His hand of blessing, but hasn't expected blessing as if she deserves it, ... but that is what I have always done. I have expected that being a daughter of the King of the Universe means that I would get certain perks in life. My imagining of life as a princess has been more of fairy tales and less like Christ's life. He came to suffer, to serve, to die. He had no perks in life except one - complete intimacy with the Father.

I felt like God was saying to me while I was praying that I didn't have to be like Zechariah anymore. Even though I do not have it all figured out ( as if I could! ) - even though I could not wrap my brain around all the things that I feel like get in my way when I am questioning - that I could still trust his good character - in faith. He would provide me the faith I need to put that struggle to rest in me - and I could just trust and rest in who He is. I could still wrestle with all my questions but He would help me just say with Mary, ' I am the Lord's servant, and I am willing to accept whatever He wants. May everything you have said come true.' She could say that because she knew God's heart for her - it was her daily truth - Lord make it true of me as well!