Sunday, September 6, 2015
resurrect me
My soul feels completely burned up with nothing left.
Even my husband said -- 'It's like I have watched you shrivel up over the past 2 years.'
There is no place inside me left hidden. Nothing that is untouched from this drought.
I am sucked dry. Burned over. Barren. Sandy. Dirt blowing in relentless wind.
Every drop of water is gone. No reservoir left. Every bit used up.
Thirsty is too small. Depressed a laugh. Hungry so far passed.
It's a soul apocalypse.
This must be what dead feels like.
Except I am more like a zombie … still walking around as the undead.
I stayed home from church just wanting quiet … and not wanting to talk to anyone. I don't want to have to lie about what I am right now. I don't want people to say dumb things … I just can't bear it anymore. Truly, I think I have prayed my last prayers today.
Last night as I fell asleep … after my husband declared some truly painful things to me. I couldn't even engage them … I couldn't feel them… they just were. I couldn't even hurt for him. So as I fell asleep, I asked God if this is the end yet … the bottom of where I needed to go. And then I remembered something I had read earlier that day … something from Mother Theresa … that if there is no joy in a soul it is because they are withholding something from God. Am I? Am I withholding something God?
This morning I listened to some worship music. I listened to Keith Green's, Rushing Wind … I listened to Jenn Johnson singing Come To Me, and Kari Jobe's, Holy Spirit and Revelation Song.
And then I prayed again in desperation wondering if I am withholding something. I realized I am holding onto my feelings. That somehow I think they are who I am. I let them go too. I mean I just don't need anything anymore - I am now officially dead. No feelings left anyway … so I let them float off with everything else I thought was me. And I prayed and let go of anything else I could think of … My husband, my kids, my house, my friends, my ministry, my church, my thoughts, my desires, my wants, my needs, my senses… what I can see, hear, taste, smell, and touch.
I gave it all to Jesus.
Everything.
So I can have Him.
I just want Him.
I don't want to withhold anything. Come fill me entirely with Your Spirit, Jesus. Father, resurrect me.
Rushing Wind blow through this temple
Blowing out the dust within
Come and breathe Your breath upon me
For I have been born again.
Holy Spirit I surrender
Take me where You want to go
Plant me by Your living water
Plant me deep so I can grow
Tuesday, September 1, 2015
Terraforming Prayer
The struggle continues … I stayed home last night from a meeting I should have gone to… My husband came home concerned and wanting to help me … the only thing that sounded helpful - (because I don't even know what the heck I need or want) - was to be left alone - to have nothing required of me. Did it help? … no… And instead, I just feel an anxiousness steadily rising in me …
Yet, I don't even know why. Maybe there is another spiritual battle in my future.
I listened to another Mike Bickle sermon yesterday, I wrote, I did all that I should get done at home, homeschooled … but nothing would get rid of this 'yuck' I feel. I just feel so spent, so drained. So I read again the Isaiah passage that God gave me last year … I turn to it regularly because it is the only scripture that has spoken to me in the last 2 years. It gives me hope to keep waiting … KNOWING that God WILL rescue … He will draw me out at some point.
Here it is again: Isaiah 41:17-20
17 When the poor and needy seek water,
and there is none,
and their tongue is parched with thirst,
I the Lord will answer them;
I the God of Israel will not forsake them.
18 I will open rivers on the bare heights,
and fountains in the midst of the valleys.
I will make the wilderness a pool of water,
and the dry land springs of water.
19 I will put in the wilderness the cedar,
the acacia, the myrtle, and the olive.
I will set in the desert the cypress,
the plane and the pine together,
20 that they may see and know,
may consider and understand together,
that the hand of the Lord has done this,
the Holy One of Israel has created it.
Lord, I am feeling poor and super needy. I need to be watered by You. I am so parched - so thirsty … every bit of me is crying out - is aching - is longing for You. Thirst doesn't even begin to describe what I'm feeling any more … I am dehydrated -- dying of thirst.
Father, I want You to answer -- I need You to answer … I feel too weak and dead to continue. I will believe and not waver - YOU ARE here … YOU ARE at work in me … YOU HAVE NOT left me… YOU HAVE NEVER ceased to be intimate with me. This is what is true - this is who YOU are. This is what YOU have promised. It is based on YOUR character … not on me and my moments of doubt. You never change - You never lie - You keep your promises.
Father, open up those rivers!! Out of NOTHING please create life - let YOUR SPIRIT flow out of me again!! Out of the heights - FLOW! Out of the depths - the valleys - FLOW! Out of the desert - FLOW! Make my dry heart alive - may your Spirit flood me with life again!!
Plant life in me again, Father. I want to flourish, I want to be green, I want to understand our union. Remake this desert - remake my heart …. TERRAFORM me!! Grow new things in me. I need new ways to know You … the old ways seem so far away … I want to hear YOUR thoughts, the know YOUR mind, to breath in YOUR Spirit.
Lord, I want to KNOW You. I want to SEE YOU. I want to CONSIDER you anew. I want to UNDERSTAND You. Help me trust Your hand. I want to trust Your ways. I want to KNOW that You have done this … and I confess I want to know why. BUT mostly - I need to know that YOU are holy - That You are Creator and I am created. That You are GOOD and right. Help my heart to keep trusting - keep believing - to keep seeking - to keep looking - to keep hoping - to keep loving - to keep my eyes fixed on You - waiting for Your work in me to be completed. You are not done - You are not DONE. Give me more patience. Grant me more faith.
Father - may You be glorified in me. May You be pleased as You look on me thru this trial. May You be worshipped and adored … first by me - then by those who thru me - know YOU. May we fill heaven with our praise … give me more resources so that I might fill Your life with my praise. I want to worship You more - I want to put a smile on Your face and give You pleasure and joy. Jesus - I praise YOU, Spirit, I worship YOU. All of this is prayed in the name of Jesus, and through the power of the Holy Spirit, Amen.
Yet, I don't even know why. Maybe there is another spiritual battle in my future.
I listened to another Mike Bickle sermon yesterday, I wrote, I did all that I should get done at home, homeschooled … but nothing would get rid of this 'yuck' I feel. I just feel so spent, so drained. So I read again the Isaiah passage that God gave me last year … I turn to it regularly because it is the only scripture that has spoken to me in the last 2 years. It gives me hope to keep waiting … KNOWING that God WILL rescue … He will draw me out at some point.
Here it is again: Isaiah 41:17-20
17 When the poor and needy seek water,
and there is none,
and their tongue is parched with thirst,
I the Lord will answer them;
I the God of Israel will not forsake them.
18 I will open rivers on the bare heights,
and fountains in the midst of the valleys.
I will make the wilderness a pool of water,
and the dry land springs of water.
19 I will put in the wilderness the cedar,
the acacia, the myrtle, and the olive.
I will set in the desert the cypress,
the plane and the pine together,
20 that they may see and know,
may consider and understand together,
that the hand of the Lord has done this,
the Holy One of Israel has created it.
Lord, I am feeling poor and super needy. I need to be watered by You. I am so parched - so thirsty … every bit of me is crying out - is aching - is longing for You. Thirst doesn't even begin to describe what I'm feeling any more … I am dehydrated -- dying of thirst.
Father, I want You to answer -- I need You to answer … I feel too weak and dead to continue. I will believe and not waver - YOU ARE here … YOU ARE at work in me … YOU HAVE NOT left me… YOU HAVE NEVER ceased to be intimate with me. This is what is true - this is who YOU are. This is what YOU have promised. It is based on YOUR character … not on me and my moments of doubt. You never change - You never lie - You keep your promises.
Father, open up those rivers!! Out of NOTHING please create life - let YOUR SPIRIT flow out of me again!! Out of the heights - FLOW! Out of the depths - the valleys - FLOW! Out of the desert - FLOW! Make my dry heart alive - may your Spirit flood me with life again!!
Plant life in me again, Father. I want to flourish, I want to be green, I want to understand our union. Remake this desert - remake my heart …. TERRAFORM me!! Grow new things in me. I need new ways to know You … the old ways seem so far away … I want to hear YOUR thoughts, the know YOUR mind, to breath in YOUR Spirit.
Lord, I want to KNOW You. I want to SEE YOU. I want to CONSIDER you anew. I want to UNDERSTAND You. Help me trust Your hand. I want to trust Your ways. I want to KNOW that You have done this … and I confess I want to know why. BUT mostly - I need to know that YOU are holy - That You are Creator and I am created. That You are GOOD and right. Help my heart to keep trusting - keep believing - to keep seeking - to keep looking - to keep hoping - to keep loving - to keep my eyes fixed on You - waiting for Your work in me to be completed. You are not done - You are not DONE. Give me more patience. Grant me more faith.
Father - may You be glorified in me. May You be pleased as You look on me thru this trial. May You be worshipped and adored … first by me - then by those who thru me - know YOU. May we fill heaven with our praise … give me more resources so that I might fill Your life with my praise. I want to worship You more - I want to put a smile on Your face and give You pleasure and joy. Jesus - I praise YOU, Spirit, I worship YOU. All of this is prayed in the name of Jesus, and through the power of the Holy Spirit, Amen.
Monday, August 31, 2015
4 days
I had to bolt out in the middle of church yesterday … I just couldn't stand to be there anymore. I definitely did not want to stand there singing - begging God to come give me the desire to want Him. That's what it all seemed to be about … and then the sermon was fine - about who to confront and judge and who not to … it was all just great - except I already know that. I could barely pay attention … and I definitely could not bear to hear another song…
I went out to my car and confessed my sin again … confessed any and all indifference, my cold heart, my not-caring-about-anything attitude of late … I confessed all those things even though I feel I can not control it even a little - in the small hope that it might unblock me. But really I begged God to take my heart out of the prison I feel like it's locked up in.
I texted a friend just because I really wanted to talk to someone who wasn't going to try and fix me, or tell me something dumb to try, or look at me with surprised or dumbfounded eyes. No one gets it …
I begged God to send me someone who gets it. I just need one.
I keep saying I am asking for the right things …right? I want intimacy with God … I want my heart to love Him wholly - fully - totally. My heart's cry is singular … Jesus. I want to worship Him. I want the eyes of my heart to focus on Him. I want my heart to wake up, so that I can engage and hear Him … so I can serve and love. Yet I feel totally absent.
My friend said she thinks I am depressed … I say I am way passed depressed. She said I don't have enough margin, that I am doing too much and I don't have enough time to recharge … BUT - I have plenty of margin … the problem is that I am NOT BEING FILLED. All my reserves - every reservoir is empty … I am completely sucked dry. Every drop has been used.
She said that God seems cruel. Yes - that is how I feel at times… But I know it can NOT be true. God cannot be cruel … He is only ever good.
So this MUST be for my good. That is the only conclusion I can come to.
This suffering He has given is for my good … and His glory.
Jesus waited 4 days before He went to raise Lazarus from the dead. 4 days the sisters suffered waiting, feeling lost and alone without Jesus, their brother dead and buried… Jesus was told earlier to go and heal him … but He waited. He said it would not lead to death but would lead to His glory - Jesus' glory. And then He came and resurrected him … Lazarus woke up and walked out of the tomb. The passage doesn't talk about anyone worshipping Him after the resurrection … only that Lazarus walked out and should be unwrapped. Mostly, the passage talks about Jesus being deeply moved, and weeping before He healed him from death.
That's the part I like … He knows that we hurt as time passes. That time has effected us. That time alone and apart from Him hurts us. And it hurts Him - that we hurt.
My 4 days has lasted for 2 years. No one has died … and my circumstances are totally fine. But I FEEL dead inside. I feel like I need to be RESURRECTED. The prison my heart is in -- is that tomb. Are my 4 days up yet?
I went out to my car and confessed my sin again … confessed any and all indifference, my cold heart, my not-caring-about-anything attitude of late … I confessed all those things even though I feel I can not control it even a little - in the small hope that it might unblock me. But really I begged God to take my heart out of the prison I feel like it's locked up in.
I texted a friend just because I really wanted to talk to someone who wasn't going to try and fix me, or tell me something dumb to try, or look at me with surprised or dumbfounded eyes. No one gets it …
I begged God to send me someone who gets it. I just need one.
I keep saying I am asking for the right things …right? I want intimacy with God … I want my heart to love Him wholly - fully - totally. My heart's cry is singular … Jesus. I want to worship Him. I want the eyes of my heart to focus on Him. I want my heart to wake up, so that I can engage and hear Him … so I can serve and love. Yet I feel totally absent.
My friend said she thinks I am depressed … I say I am way passed depressed. She said I don't have enough margin, that I am doing too much and I don't have enough time to recharge … BUT - I have plenty of margin … the problem is that I am NOT BEING FILLED. All my reserves - every reservoir is empty … I am completely sucked dry. Every drop has been used.
She said that God seems cruel. Yes - that is how I feel at times… But I know it can NOT be true. God cannot be cruel … He is only ever good.
So this MUST be for my good. That is the only conclusion I can come to.
This suffering He has given is for my good … and His glory.
Jesus waited 4 days before He went to raise Lazarus from the dead. 4 days the sisters suffered waiting, feeling lost and alone without Jesus, their brother dead and buried… Jesus was told earlier to go and heal him … but He waited. He said it would not lead to death but would lead to His glory - Jesus' glory. And then He came and resurrected him … Lazarus woke up and walked out of the tomb. The passage doesn't talk about anyone worshipping Him after the resurrection … only that Lazarus walked out and should be unwrapped. Mostly, the passage talks about Jesus being deeply moved, and weeping before He healed him from death.
That's the part I like … He knows that we hurt as time passes. That time has effected us. That time alone and apart from Him hurts us. And it hurts Him - that we hurt.
My 4 days has lasted for 2 years. No one has died … and my circumstances are totally fine. But I FEEL dead inside. I feel like I need to be RESURRECTED. The prison my heart is in -- is that tomb. Are my 4 days up yet?
Sunday, August 23, 2015
God please
I feel as though I can write the last post all over again.
Nothing much has changed. I still feel stuck. I still can not absorb the Word. I still feel like my prayers are a vapor. I still feel numb and lifeless. I still do not know how to spend my days, my minutes, my thoughts. I feel as if I am watching my life … and when God does seem to direct its hard to know and see … it feels like I'm being herded rather then held by the hand with a guide.
I don't know how much more I can take … the post I wrote about God's smile seems so distant …
I keep begging God to give me something - anything to help…
I am worn out …
I hate feeling this way… like life is sucking away and I am not really -- anything.
I can't love Him well. I can't love my family well. I feel useless in ministry and friendships.
I even hate writing this again. Truly I am sick of the same complaint … sharing the same lackluster story, the same 'eh' when people ask how I am. I hate it all.
God please…
Nothing much has changed. I still feel stuck. I still can not absorb the Word. I still feel like my prayers are a vapor. I still feel numb and lifeless. I still do not know how to spend my days, my minutes, my thoughts. I feel as if I am watching my life … and when God does seem to direct its hard to know and see … it feels like I'm being herded rather then held by the hand with a guide.
I don't know how much more I can take … the post I wrote about God's smile seems so distant …
I keep begging God to give me something - anything to help…
I am worn out …
I hate feeling this way… like life is sucking away and I am not really -- anything.
I can't love Him well. I can't love my family well. I feel useless in ministry and friendships.
I even hate writing this again. Truly I am sick of the same complaint … sharing the same lackluster story, the same 'eh' when people ask how I am. I hate it all.
God please…
Sunday, August 2, 2015
purge it all
Nothing much has changed.
I still feel numb … I am still waiting.
Somedays I am fine with waiting, and some days I am not.
Last week it was hard to wait. My husband and I fought … the fight was about something else, but really it was about me not caring about anything right now. This numb indifference is hard to deal with. But I don't know how to make it go away. I don't know that it is supposed to go away.
I just want to endure this Dark Night well. I want to be where God has me … and not circumvent His plan and desire for me. I want to learn the lessons He has for me in this reality and not run from it. I want to suffer well. I want to be able to boast in my weakness. So that God may get His glory - His way. He says His grace is sufficient and I really want to believe that. So God make me believe that. I want my unbelief washed away…. the sooner the better.
Unbelief is truly the enemy of our soul … the stem of our problems. It whispers for us not to believe God's heart for us … His great love for us … or believe that His plans are not good… or that somehow He has forgotten about me. It is all a lie … it is sin for us to look these lies in the face and give them space inside of us. Purge it all, Jesus.
I give myself again to You.
I still feel numb … I am still waiting.
Somedays I am fine with waiting, and some days I am not.
Last week it was hard to wait. My husband and I fought … the fight was about something else, but really it was about me not caring about anything right now. This numb indifference is hard to deal with. But I don't know how to make it go away. I don't know that it is supposed to go away.
I just want to endure this Dark Night well. I want to be where God has me … and not circumvent His plan and desire for me. I want to learn the lessons He has for me in this reality and not run from it. I want to suffer well. I want to be able to boast in my weakness. So that God may get His glory - His way. He says His grace is sufficient and I really want to believe that. So God make me believe that. I want my unbelief washed away…. the sooner the better.
Unbelief is truly the enemy of our soul … the stem of our problems. It whispers for us not to believe God's heart for us … His great love for us … or believe that His plans are not good… or that somehow He has forgotten about me. It is all a lie … it is sin for us to look these lies in the face and give them space inside of us. Purge it all, Jesus.
I give myself again to You.
Tuesday, July 14, 2015
His Smile
The best part of the Mike Bickle Song of Solomon series has got be learning about how much we are loved.
WE ARE LOVED. passionately. wholly. pursued. ravished. cherished.
I believe this REVELATION will completely - TOTALLY - alter me from here on out.
Here is what I mean …
I have always known that I am loved by God. That is what led me into salvation … Jesus dying on the cross for me has been a constant. Overcoming my sin and crappy, pathetic messed up life, with His death, however, didn't ever seem like a good trade for Him - but He was willing somehow - so I said 'yes'. I took the gift of salvation and claimed it, and figured I would figure out how it all fit together.
Over time I faltered in understanding this at different moments … but would always come back to it … and rest in it… but eventually only to a degree. There was always something more that I wanted - this didn't feel like intimacy but more like a transaction - I would gain eternity and a relationship with God and somehow God would get more glory … its the somehow I struggled with. Because He got me in the trade… and I was supposed to give Him more and more glory as more and more sin shed from my life. The only problem was that I was always doing the same sinful things -- like all the time. So how could He get His glory from me? So I always pictured God with a frowny face. :( He was always disappointed - always expecting more. He was always expecting me to be more than I was/am. And then I never felt any intimacy because I knew that when we sin - fellowship is broken - intimacy is lost - I've screwed up giving Him glory and so there was no glory to be had. I was just a continual screw up.
Then I started learning about my identity in Christ… who I am because of what Jesus did. It's all right there in scripture … God doesn't see me and my sin - He sees Jesus and His perfection. Because I am in Christ I am somehow new - I am made clean - the old is gone the new is come!
I am new! I am clean because of what Christ has done!
God could finally now smile on me and call me His CHILD - I am a sister to Jesus. And I began to feel and understand what it means to be loved like a daughter. This brought some more of the intimacy that I craved. God even sealed this time with the amazing inflow of His presence and poured out a very tangible sense of His love on me. Nothing has ever been the same since then.
Then He removed His tangible love and presence, and I swung back into my old ways of thinking at first. I doubted God and His goodness. I doubted His character and His word. So God took me on a journey of faith. I learned that He does NOT lie. He is who He says He is. That He can be trusted, that His love for His children is real. That if I confess all my crap and walk into the light - I can exchange my crap for healing, peace, and a larger measure of the Holy Spirit from Him … and He gets more glory…. because now there is ACTUALLY less sin in me. That finally seemed like a good trade for Him because now I finally was beginning to 'get' it. As my mind awakened to who I am already in Christ and I then was able to glorify Him with a life more fully lived unto Him.
BUT then it changed again … since I have been in this time of silence … I have learned more real, breath-taking desire for Him. I have never wanted anything more than to be near to Him again … and my desire for intimacy with Him has grown even deeper and stronger. I just want Him. I want His glory to shine more beautifully. I want to know His mind, and His heart, I want to live more openly with Him, I want to serve with more risk. At first I think I just wanted to feel better … but that quickly changed…. and desperation for HIM came in its place. I don't know where that change took place, but it did. But I want an even deeper intimacy now … the old ways of being with Jesus no longer seem to work … but new ones have yet to appear … but I will keep on waiting until I can take hold of Him again….
That's where this Song of Solomon series comes in … Its all about coming to understand how deeply - passionately we are pursued by Jesus as His BRIDE. This is HUGE! Because this is the kind of intimacy we all crave - deep - fulfilling - God glorifying - crazy passionate love. This is where we learn that we are pursued … not just because we are pathetic creatures that need help and fixing - like a toddler that makes a mess all the time. But as a cherished one who will walk beside Jesus in heaven … head held high knowing we are His CHOSEN ones. Knowing that we ravish His heart, knowing that He sees us as beautiful, and lovely, and worth knowing! He crawled into human skin not just to fix what had gone wrong in the garden so long ago … but to free HIS BRIDE from slavery. To teach His Bride how to be free in His love and to love others. But mostly so we can LOVE Him. That is the first commandment … to love HIM. He wants our hearts to adore Him just like He adores us. He wants us free from sin … not just to right a wrong, but because He wants a companion to love and share all of creation with.
He is our Prize - Jesus is a prize worth truly seeing - He is the Bridegroom King. BUT we also are HIS INHERITANCE. We are what He is coming back for … what He has playing out in all of history to get - His Bride - His jewel - His love - His PASSION.
WOW.
Don't you see how this changes EVERYTHING!????
Now as I see myself as the companion of His heart … the one He has pursued, chased after, and won… How can I not respond with my whole life in love given over to Him? My whole existence now makes so much more sense. My desires make more sense, my actions, my sins, my idols even - have all been in the pursuit of intimacy that I did not think was attainable. That's why so much frustration and shame and guilt and mess and shit exist in our lives.
BUT now I see that He wants me too. And my love is an echo of His. As my heart is overtaken with Him and even when I love Him with the smallest of my desires and my weak intentions … THIS is what gives Him glory and makes His heart glad. This is where our service comes from … This is a God with a smile on His face…. and who is receiving the glory and adoration He deserves!
You have captivated my heart, my sister, my bride;
you have captivated my heart with one glance of your eyes,
with one jewel of your necklace.
10 How beautiful is your love, my sister, my bride!
How much better is your love than wine,
and the fragrance of your oils than any spice!
SOS 4: 9-10
WE ARE LOVED. passionately. wholly. pursued. ravished. cherished.
I believe this REVELATION will completely - TOTALLY - alter me from here on out.
Here is what I mean …
I have always known that I am loved by God. That is what led me into salvation … Jesus dying on the cross for me has been a constant. Overcoming my sin and crappy, pathetic messed up life, with His death, however, didn't ever seem like a good trade for Him - but He was willing somehow - so I said 'yes'. I took the gift of salvation and claimed it, and figured I would figure out how it all fit together.
Over time I faltered in understanding this at different moments … but would always come back to it … and rest in it… but eventually only to a degree. There was always something more that I wanted - this didn't feel like intimacy but more like a transaction - I would gain eternity and a relationship with God and somehow God would get more glory … its the somehow I struggled with. Because He got me in the trade… and I was supposed to give Him more and more glory as more and more sin shed from my life. The only problem was that I was always doing the same sinful things -- like all the time. So how could He get His glory from me? So I always pictured God with a frowny face. :( He was always disappointed - always expecting more. He was always expecting me to be more than I was/am. And then I never felt any intimacy because I knew that when we sin - fellowship is broken - intimacy is lost - I've screwed up giving Him glory and so there was no glory to be had. I was just a continual screw up.
Then I started learning about my identity in Christ… who I am because of what Jesus did. It's all right there in scripture … God doesn't see me and my sin - He sees Jesus and His perfection. Because I am in Christ I am somehow new - I am made clean - the old is gone the new is come!
I am new! I am clean because of what Christ has done!
God could finally now smile on me and call me His CHILD - I am a sister to Jesus. And I began to feel and understand what it means to be loved like a daughter. This brought some more of the intimacy that I craved. God even sealed this time with the amazing inflow of His presence and poured out a very tangible sense of His love on me. Nothing has ever been the same since then.
Then He removed His tangible love and presence, and I swung back into my old ways of thinking at first. I doubted God and His goodness. I doubted His character and His word. So God took me on a journey of faith. I learned that He does NOT lie. He is who He says He is. That He can be trusted, that His love for His children is real. That if I confess all my crap and walk into the light - I can exchange my crap for healing, peace, and a larger measure of the Holy Spirit from Him … and He gets more glory…. because now there is ACTUALLY less sin in me. That finally seemed like a good trade for Him because now I finally was beginning to 'get' it. As my mind awakened to who I am already in Christ and I then was able to glorify Him with a life more fully lived unto Him.
BUT then it changed again … since I have been in this time of silence … I have learned more real, breath-taking desire for Him. I have never wanted anything more than to be near to Him again … and my desire for intimacy with Him has grown even deeper and stronger. I just want Him. I want His glory to shine more beautifully. I want to know His mind, and His heart, I want to live more openly with Him, I want to serve with more risk. At first I think I just wanted to feel better … but that quickly changed…. and desperation for HIM came in its place. I don't know where that change took place, but it did. But I want an even deeper intimacy now … the old ways of being with Jesus no longer seem to work … but new ones have yet to appear … but I will keep on waiting until I can take hold of Him again….
That's where this Song of Solomon series comes in … Its all about coming to understand how deeply - passionately we are pursued by Jesus as His BRIDE. This is HUGE! Because this is the kind of intimacy we all crave - deep - fulfilling - God glorifying - crazy passionate love. This is where we learn that we are pursued … not just because we are pathetic creatures that need help and fixing - like a toddler that makes a mess all the time. But as a cherished one who will walk beside Jesus in heaven … head held high knowing we are His CHOSEN ones. Knowing that we ravish His heart, knowing that He sees us as beautiful, and lovely, and worth knowing! He crawled into human skin not just to fix what had gone wrong in the garden so long ago … but to free HIS BRIDE from slavery. To teach His Bride how to be free in His love and to love others. But mostly so we can LOVE Him. That is the first commandment … to love HIM. He wants our hearts to adore Him just like He adores us. He wants us free from sin … not just to right a wrong, but because He wants a companion to love and share all of creation with.
He is our Prize - Jesus is a prize worth truly seeing - He is the Bridegroom King. BUT we also are HIS INHERITANCE. We are what He is coming back for … what He has playing out in all of history to get - His Bride - His jewel - His love - His PASSION.
WOW.
Don't you see how this changes EVERYTHING!????
Now as I see myself as the companion of His heart … the one He has pursued, chased after, and won… How can I not respond with my whole life in love given over to Him? My whole existence now makes so much more sense. My desires make more sense, my actions, my sins, my idols even - have all been in the pursuit of intimacy that I did not think was attainable. That's why so much frustration and shame and guilt and mess and shit exist in our lives.
BUT now I see that He wants me too. And my love is an echo of His. As my heart is overtaken with Him and even when I love Him with the smallest of my desires and my weak intentions … THIS is what gives Him glory and makes His heart glad. This is where our service comes from … This is a God with a smile on His face…. and who is receiving the glory and adoration He deserves!
You have captivated my heart, my sister, my bride;
you have captivated my heart with one glance of your eyes,
with one jewel of your necklace.
10 How beautiful is your love, my sister, my bride!
How much better is your love than wine,
and the fragrance of your oils than any spice!
SOS 4: 9-10
Stirrings
There have been a few stirrings in my spirit in the last couple of weeks.
I met this woman who I will be helping to mentor and she has an extremely strong gift of prophecy. Actually, even as we were sitting there I saw the Holy Spirit manifest Himself. She became bright red as she listened to the Spirit talk with her. Another friend was there with us and she FELT the Spirit as well. I did not… but I could see it! Then she looked right at me - not knowing me - or anything about me - and said 'You are waiting… the Lord has you waiting … it won't be much longer.' My friend who does know my story started crying and praising the Lord … she was so excited to experience the Lord like that, and was so excited for me to hear that the waiting is soon ending. Needless to say - I was SUPER excited too.
That night I felt so stirred up in my spirit… I had trouble sleeping… and my heart felt like it was going to pound right out of my chest. It went on like that all night and I just kept praying … praying to go back to sleep, for my heart to settle, for anyone and everyone who came to mind while I was awake! Then I felt compelled to get out of bed and lay facedown on the floor in a bow and give myself again to Jesus. I surrendered myself totally again to be His servant. To be obedient, to be open, to make Him happy, as He sees fit to lead.
Then over the next few days some old friends from college came for a visit, and it was truly easy to share with them … so I opened way up. My friend really understood and didn't try to fix me, but instead she spoke some prophecy over me as well. She told me that as soon as she heard me say that I was waiting for 2 years in this Dark Night of the Soul, that the phrase 'waiting and warring' came into her mind. She had read a book about this concept … that when God needs you to go be in a big spiritual battle … He takes His time preparing you in a long waiting period. She believed that God was preparing me for something like this.
Amidst all of this, I've been listening to a few more installments of Mike Bickle's teachings on the Song of Solomon … and they have just been fabulous. One taught me about the little compromises in my life that need to be dealt with (the little foxes of verse 2:15) so I can move into greater maturity and depth of intimacy with the Lord. I immediately of course thought about food and TV. So I am making a new concerted effort to focus once again on my food intake. I just - I mean literally!! - downloaded an APP called my symptoms and food tracker so I can tell which foods affect my fibromyalgia more than others … and hopefully as I learn along with this carb/grain/starch/sugar free diet - I will be able to amend even more of what I eat and what I don't. I've lost a couple more pounds and cut most carbs etc from my diet… but there are still healthy things that need to be added in and a few things that should come out. However, I am still going to eat chocolate!! That may never change!! But on the TV side I have chosen once again to leave it off until the evening. I just waste too much time in front of that thing. I have sensed that God may want me to lay off of it as well … but that 'sense' is weak. And in all of the silence, and noise from the enemy, and not knowing what the heck to do with myself at any given moment of any given day … TV had again taken a larger place in my life than I would have liked. I can't say I am looking for more empty silence…. but I am trying to submit. It's truly the not knowing what to do with myself part that i struggle with most … everything still feels meaningless and its hard to hone in on how best to spend my limited energy throughout the day.
I met this woman who I will be helping to mentor and she has an extremely strong gift of prophecy. Actually, even as we were sitting there I saw the Holy Spirit manifest Himself. She became bright red as she listened to the Spirit talk with her. Another friend was there with us and she FELT the Spirit as well. I did not… but I could see it! Then she looked right at me - not knowing me - or anything about me - and said 'You are waiting… the Lord has you waiting … it won't be much longer.' My friend who does know my story started crying and praising the Lord … she was so excited to experience the Lord like that, and was so excited for me to hear that the waiting is soon ending. Needless to say - I was SUPER excited too.
That night I felt so stirred up in my spirit… I had trouble sleeping… and my heart felt like it was going to pound right out of my chest. It went on like that all night and I just kept praying … praying to go back to sleep, for my heart to settle, for anyone and everyone who came to mind while I was awake! Then I felt compelled to get out of bed and lay facedown on the floor in a bow and give myself again to Jesus. I surrendered myself totally again to be His servant. To be obedient, to be open, to make Him happy, as He sees fit to lead.
Then over the next few days some old friends from college came for a visit, and it was truly easy to share with them … so I opened way up. My friend really understood and didn't try to fix me, but instead she spoke some prophecy over me as well. She told me that as soon as she heard me say that I was waiting for 2 years in this Dark Night of the Soul, that the phrase 'waiting and warring' came into her mind. She had read a book about this concept … that when God needs you to go be in a big spiritual battle … He takes His time preparing you in a long waiting period. She believed that God was preparing me for something like this.
Amidst all of this, I've been listening to a few more installments of Mike Bickle's teachings on the Song of Solomon … and they have just been fabulous. One taught me about the little compromises in my life that need to be dealt with (the little foxes of verse 2:15) so I can move into greater maturity and depth of intimacy with the Lord. I immediately of course thought about food and TV. So I am making a new concerted effort to focus once again on my food intake. I just - I mean literally!! - downloaded an APP called my symptoms and food tracker so I can tell which foods affect my fibromyalgia more than others … and hopefully as I learn along with this carb/grain/starch/sugar free diet - I will be able to amend even more of what I eat and what I don't. I've lost a couple more pounds and cut most carbs etc from my diet… but there are still healthy things that need to be added in and a few things that should come out. However, I am still going to eat chocolate!! That may never change!! But on the TV side I have chosen once again to leave it off until the evening. I just waste too much time in front of that thing. I have sensed that God may want me to lay off of it as well … but that 'sense' is weak. And in all of the silence, and noise from the enemy, and not knowing what the heck to do with myself at any given moment of any given day … TV had again taken a larger place in my life than I would have liked. I can't say I am looking for more empty silence…. but I am trying to submit. It's truly the not knowing what to do with myself part that i struggle with most … everything still feels meaningless and its hard to hone in on how best to spend my limited energy throughout the day.
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