I am still trying to figure out this whole false self/true self thing and put it into my own words. I want to be able to explain it to myself and attempt to explain it to a few friends and maybe even teach about it someday in a way that is less ethereal and confusing.
The false self is the part of us that is the old man, our sin nature, the part of us that everyone is born into. However, it does not stay locked up neatly away in a corner of ourselves, it instead pervades everything. It interprets everything in relation to itself. If a circumstance is hard or scary -- it works very hard at protecting us and telling us that we are going to be alright if we just believe this or that (usually a lie) about ourselves. It tells us the lies that we want to hear to make ourselves feel better and cope with the world. So even if something happens that's good ... we will also interpret it in this self-centered, self-affirming way. We can not help this. There is nothing we can do to stop this, this is just what happens when we are born into sin. Everything is made relative to me, because my false self just believes that indeed, all of life revolves around me, and it can believe nothing else. The really great thing is - we all believe this - and so we all join into this great big cult affirming each others lies. We bring our lies - everyone brings theirs and we all lie together affirming what we believe to be the truth. Except the 'truth' that we believe is just the false self trying to convince itself that it is completely fine. And because the false self is similar in each of us - totally self-focused - the lies line up much of the time! So it seems true... and we keep giving the false self more and more power over ourselves. It is incredibly pervasive and reaches into all corners of who we are and who we are becoming ... and even the church jumps on its bandwagon much of the time. Because my false self can make my churchiness or my church related activities about me and my own gain and my own glory. In fact, it is really hard to tell sometimes where my false self begins and where my true self breaks off especially in regards to ministry activities. The false self is really all about self protection. It is about gaining for self, it is about getting whatever will make me happy. This is the space that our idols are born into. This is the space where our inner Adam says 'no' to God and says 'yes' to itself. This is why I want to be seen and heard and noticed. This is where I steal God's story and make it all about me. This is where I decide that all the glory should be shining from me but most especially for me.
This may not sound new. I know I have taken a hard look at my sin nature. I have done a ton of self examination ... actually probably more than I should... probably to the point of it falling back into the prideful category and made it all about my false self again. So what is the point of reexamining it now? For me its about learning it from a slightly new angle ... I am beginning to look at my false self from the vantage point of my true self. Before now, I would have seen this false self and thought that much of it was good and redeemable. I would not have been able to see that the whole of it is steeped in such a big lie that no part of it can come out whole. I also would never have been able to see that all of the false self - everything that it is and has created as my outer person, is actually NONE of who I really am. This is not the real me. It is a shadow. A very dim and twisted picture of only part of who we were designed to be in the image of God.
So if this is NOT who I am - this false self - then what can be done about it? How do we get rid of it? How do we become our true selves? That's the really great news ... that our true self is already with us. Not only are we born with our sin nature but we are born with our true selves because we were created in the image of God. This person that God created us to be IS our true self ... its just that when we are born, the false self covers over our true self because thats all it know how to do to live. It is only when we are born again into salvation that our true self has an opportunity to come out from behind the mask of the false self. Until then it really has no power over the sin nature. This is the whole reason for Gods entire salvation story. He created us so that He would have someone in His image to spend His love on ... but He wanted us to want Him and not just be robots. But we chose the wrong path - we chose ourselves as gods - and pushed aside the One True God. As we did that the false self was born. And we saw Adam and Eve shift blame to one another, to Satan, and to God for the problem - of course not wanting to blame themselves. This is the false self at its best - always working at self-protection. So we get to watch thousands of years unfold in scripture as God works out His salvation plan - so that He might be reunited with His loved ones. Though he has never lost sight of who we are and has never stopped loving us with His magnificent love - we lost sight of Him because we lost sight of who we were designed to be. So thus we never got to have the love relationship we are designed to have ... until Jesus came along. In Jesus we once again have access to the true self because sin and shame were killed on the cross. God's wrath was poured out on Jesus and the Holy Spirit was sent to unite His followers to Himself in a divine union. So those who have the Holy Spirit have this divine union already in us.
The question is why don't I know this, feel this, experience this? This is the question I have been asking for years! How does transformation actually occur? How do I shed sin and live more fully walking in the power of the Holy Spirit? That's what this true self begins to answer....
Saturday, February 4, 2017
Tuesday, January 31, 2017
this
I am not entirely sure what the Lord is up to right now. As I talk to friends on this journey I hardly know what to say anymore. The Lord is still silent giving me only drips occasionally for course corrections. Everything in scripture has stayed the same -- scripture and prayer just fall flat. So as I talk with friends what I mostly say is that I am bored ... bc all the things I like to do - study, pour over scripture, pray, mentor etc ... just don't work right now. So I'm filling up way too much time with TV and a whole lot of nothings that feel like a whole lot of nothing.
The one bright spot is my spiritual disciplines night once a month. I wish it was more often but so far this is what the Lord has for me to do. And it has been so awesome to see the ladies responding and asking deeper questions of themselves and wanting to dig in. They gave me a gift for my birthday -- a beautiful plate with my favorite verse painted along the edges. And at the end of the night -- one woman asked if I would consider leading them on a retreat. So that was super encouraging. Its funny tho bc even though they all sense the Spirit during these times -- I still barely can. I can't really tell if what I am saying is being received or falling flat... or if the Spirit is in it all, except in rare moments.
Regardless -- there are those rare moments for even me. This last week I lead Lectio on the passage of Jesus at age 12 in the temple in Luke 2. The ladies had some lively discussion and we were having a good time. In the first reading, my word or phrase - was 'great distress' and then it was 'found favor with God and men' so in the second reading which is where you imagine yourself in the story, I stood in Jesus' perspective. I saw Mary finally find me after 3 days in great distress ... her jaw agape at finding me in the temple. My response was - 'where else would I be? This is where I have to be. This is where my Father is,' i was kind and totally dumbfounded that she would not understand this about me. Then in the 3rd reading - the response - the Lord showed me a phrase in-between my other 2 in the text. It was in-between 'great distress' and 'found favor with God and man,' it was 'submissive.' The Lord whispered in that moment 'if you will stop banging on my door in great distress ... and if you want that favor ... then you will see that you need to be submissive.' And I knew just what I needed to be submissive to - THE SILENCE. I have yet to figure out how to walk into the silence and be ok with whatever comes or whatever does NOT come. The latter being the really big problem for me. I have spent a lot of time banging on God's door making a fuss in great distress ... but I haven't really spent much time submitting to that silence, and just let myself sit in it. The time waste, the boredom, the not being met thing, still just makes the whole thing so unappealing -- and quite frankly -- just plain scary.
I'm reading a new book ... and man is it excellent. Merton's Palace of Nowhere by James Finley. So far I'm only a few chapters in and my mind is blown. So many things are just beginning to make sense about my silence as a result of reading. I don't even think I can articulate it yet. Here's the quote that's blowing my mind right now...
'By means of silence and solitude we journey into ourselves. We roam about into even deeper and darker and more unknown realms of the human heart, wherein is found the door thru which the Adam in us walked in giving birth to the false self. How can we find this door? How are we to open it? More mysterious still is the question of who will be left when the self we think ourselves to be walks through it?'
I realized as I read this quote that this is the journey that God has had me on in the dark night - purging the false self. Everything that I thought made me who I am - I gave over to God. But what I was really giving up were all the things that helped make me false - shame being the number one culprit. I surrendered everything - even down to surrendering my very senses. And I had to give them up because I was using them wrongly. My false self had so corrupted everything that even my way of taking in the world - my very perception was damaged. Now in this very slow painstaking process which is the aftermath of the time of purging, The Lord is rebuilding me. He is teaching me new things VERY slowly, still amongst a lot of silence -- trying to help me see my own wonder within me -- because what He wants to unveil is my true self. But you can't unveil what is the true me without going thru the old me ... because the 'me' that is on top is the false one.
I didn't have to find the door like Merton said ... God pointed to it and said there it is -- are you willing? And silly me said 'yes' and jumped down the rabbit hole of my shame and entered into a place of such horror within that I could never even fully describe. And I wept for my old self as large chunks of it fell off and died, I just didn't know what I was weeping for! Now God is trying to show me how to discover the true me - the real me - the me made in the image of God - by submitting to silence ... and it feels like a whole other kind of rabbit hole. I have to say it doesn't scare me any less ... because just like Merton said above -- what will emerge on the other side? -- when I come back out? That total transformation -- that caterpillar to butterfly -- total remake has got to hurt -- has got to be so unknown -- and thus it scares the shit out of me.
Lord - I so totally want to submit ... This is what I have been praying for ... I just didn't know that THIS is what I was praying for ... ya know?
The one bright spot is my spiritual disciplines night once a month. I wish it was more often but so far this is what the Lord has for me to do. And it has been so awesome to see the ladies responding and asking deeper questions of themselves and wanting to dig in. They gave me a gift for my birthday -- a beautiful plate with my favorite verse painted along the edges. And at the end of the night -- one woman asked if I would consider leading them on a retreat. So that was super encouraging. Its funny tho bc even though they all sense the Spirit during these times -- I still barely can. I can't really tell if what I am saying is being received or falling flat... or if the Spirit is in it all, except in rare moments.
Regardless -- there are those rare moments for even me. This last week I lead Lectio on the passage of Jesus at age 12 in the temple in Luke 2. The ladies had some lively discussion and we were having a good time. In the first reading, my word or phrase - was 'great distress' and then it was 'found favor with God and men' so in the second reading which is where you imagine yourself in the story, I stood in Jesus' perspective. I saw Mary finally find me after 3 days in great distress ... her jaw agape at finding me in the temple. My response was - 'where else would I be? This is where I have to be. This is where my Father is,' i was kind and totally dumbfounded that she would not understand this about me. Then in the 3rd reading - the response - the Lord showed me a phrase in-between my other 2 in the text. It was in-between 'great distress' and 'found favor with God and man,' it was 'submissive.' The Lord whispered in that moment 'if you will stop banging on my door in great distress ... and if you want that favor ... then you will see that you need to be submissive.' And I knew just what I needed to be submissive to - THE SILENCE. I have yet to figure out how to walk into the silence and be ok with whatever comes or whatever does NOT come. The latter being the really big problem for me. I have spent a lot of time banging on God's door making a fuss in great distress ... but I haven't really spent much time submitting to that silence, and just let myself sit in it. The time waste, the boredom, the not being met thing, still just makes the whole thing so unappealing -- and quite frankly -- just plain scary.
I'm reading a new book ... and man is it excellent. Merton's Palace of Nowhere by James Finley. So far I'm only a few chapters in and my mind is blown. So many things are just beginning to make sense about my silence as a result of reading. I don't even think I can articulate it yet. Here's the quote that's blowing my mind right now...
'By means of silence and solitude we journey into ourselves. We roam about into even deeper and darker and more unknown realms of the human heart, wherein is found the door thru which the Adam in us walked in giving birth to the false self. How can we find this door? How are we to open it? More mysterious still is the question of who will be left when the self we think ourselves to be walks through it?'
I realized as I read this quote that this is the journey that God has had me on in the dark night - purging the false self. Everything that I thought made me who I am - I gave over to God. But what I was really giving up were all the things that helped make me false - shame being the number one culprit. I surrendered everything - even down to surrendering my very senses. And I had to give them up because I was using them wrongly. My false self had so corrupted everything that even my way of taking in the world - my very perception was damaged. Now in this very slow painstaking process which is the aftermath of the time of purging, The Lord is rebuilding me. He is teaching me new things VERY slowly, still amongst a lot of silence -- trying to help me see my own wonder within me -- because what He wants to unveil is my true self. But you can't unveil what is the true me without going thru the old me ... because the 'me' that is on top is the false one.
I didn't have to find the door like Merton said ... God pointed to it and said there it is -- are you willing? And silly me said 'yes' and jumped down the rabbit hole of my shame and entered into a place of such horror within that I could never even fully describe. And I wept for my old self as large chunks of it fell off and died, I just didn't know what I was weeping for! Now God is trying to show me how to discover the true me - the real me - the me made in the image of God - by submitting to silence ... and it feels like a whole other kind of rabbit hole. I have to say it doesn't scare me any less ... because just like Merton said above -- what will emerge on the other side? -- when I come back out? That total transformation -- that caterpillar to butterfly -- total remake has got to hurt -- has got to be so unknown -- and thus it scares the shit out of me.
Lord - I so totally want to submit ... This is what I have been praying for ... I just didn't know that THIS is what I was praying for ... ya know?
Wednesday, November 2, 2016
transformation
Last week during the spiritual disciplines group that I lead ... while we did Lectio Divina on a passage from Luke 9 about the transfiguration ... I had a funny thought occur that I don't think was my own. It felt like the Lord lead my thoughts as if I was going up the mountain with Jesus... and that the Lord was telling me deep in my heart that when I go to the Potter's Inn ... which is up on a mountain in Colorado... that I will be entering into a time of transformation. The passage says, "and when they became fully awake they saw His glory." I didn't spend much time thinking about it ... but it did stir a little bit of hope in me.
Later that week I wanted to dig into that passage again, so on Sunday I attempted doing Lectio on my own ... but this time it was a big fat blank ... like most other times that I attempted to dig into the word without a community around me. Community has made all the difference during the last year or year and a half of my Dark Night. Most of the times that I have heard from the Lord, or experienced Him in any way have been amongst other believers. I am not sure the I understand the fullness of that but nonetheless it seems to be how God has chosen to work in this season. So in my big fat blank I became frustrated again - almost resigned in my heart - that for some reason I just don't get to be intimate with Him right now - end of story - and I just have to keep on waiting.
So today, I decided to have some time to myself and do some reading. Currently, I am reading Soul Feast by Marjorie J. Thompson and I was reading about Lectio of all things. Suddenly, out of no where a verse that she quoted jumped off the page at me, "Speak, Lord, your servant is listening," from 1 Samuel 3:10. It was what Eli told Samuel when He was a small boy hearing the Lord's voice for the first time. OK - so scripture just doesn't do that to me right now ... so I asked the Lord - am I NOT listening? Then I noticed on the side of the page a quote that said,
"Read with a vulnerable heart. EXPECT to be blessed in the reading. Read as one AWAKE, one WAITING for the Beloved. Read with reverence." -Macrina Wiederkehr.
And I realized that I am STILL not expecting the Lord to show up when I put myself before Him. I am afraid - I am afraid that He is not coming, that I will be disappointed again, that I will have to wait more years for Him to come and get me out of this Dark Night ... I don't want that long long long space between drips anymore, so I don't even put my face under the faucet. I have stopped expecting the Lord to show up. So I instantly began confessing my fear ... and I set my heart to praying through the unbelief that I have stored up in this space ... and then I realized there is something even deeper that the fear was covering over. I asked the Lord what it was, and then I read a little further ... I got to this quote by Brother Lawrence,
"God has infinite treasures to give us. Yet a little tangible devotion, which passes away in a moment, seems to satisfy us. How blind we are, since in this way we tie God's hands, and we STOP the abundance of His grace! But when He finds a soul penetrated with LIVING FAITH, He pours out grace on it with abundance. God's grace is like a TORRENT. When it is stopped from taking its ordinary course, it looks for another outlet, and when it finds one, it spreads out with impetuosity and abundance."
While I read this I had a picture in my mind of me standing on a rock in a huge waterfall - water rushing on my right, on my left, that wild torrent... and yet it was passing me by. I had stopped it from flowing over me, in me, through me... but that power - that torrent - was there - available - but I was missing it.
I prayed again... confessing my fear, my unbelief, and God impressed upon me again that this was just the surface and there was something deeper. I asked again, "Speak, Lord, your servant is listening." And He showed me a scene from an old Star Trek Voyager episode.... OK... well that's a little bit weird. It was an episode where one of the characters - Kes - basically transformed and became something totally new. She was like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly. AND then the Lord reminded me of a movie I haven't seen in ages called The Abyss ... and at the end the main character goes down into the Abyss and meets a spectacular glowing alien race and is saved. OK. Again a bit weird. As I continued to listen in prayer I realized that the Lord was revealing my deeper fear - a complete unrecognizable transformation - that's what I am really afraid of. But at the same time telling me that - that is exactly where He is taking me - DEEP - into a total transformation. This prayer experience wiped away all of my fear. And my heart unclenched and released itself to the Lord and just said,"yes."
I went and found that episode of Star Trek and watched the parts where Kes begins and then finishes her transformation. I found myself wanting to be her ... wanting to let go... wanting to be free and fly. I am ready to be on the mountain with You, Lord. "Speak, Lord, your servant is listening."
Later that week I wanted to dig into that passage again, so on Sunday I attempted doing Lectio on my own ... but this time it was a big fat blank ... like most other times that I attempted to dig into the word without a community around me. Community has made all the difference during the last year or year and a half of my Dark Night. Most of the times that I have heard from the Lord, or experienced Him in any way have been amongst other believers. I am not sure the I understand the fullness of that but nonetheless it seems to be how God has chosen to work in this season. So in my big fat blank I became frustrated again - almost resigned in my heart - that for some reason I just don't get to be intimate with Him right now - end of story - and I just have to keep on waiting.
So today, I decided to have some time to myself and do some reading. Currently, I am reading Soul Feast by Marjorie J. Thompson and I was reading about Lectio of all things. Suddenly, out of no where a verse that she quoted jumped off the page at me, "Speak, Lord, your servant is listening," from 1 Samuel 3:10. It was what Eli told Samuel when He was a small boy hearing the Lord's voice for the first time. OK - so scripture just doesn't do that to me right now ... so I asked the Lord - am I NOT listening? Then I noticed on the side of the page a quote that said,
"Read with a vulnerable heart. EXPECT to be blessed in the reading. Read as one AWAKE, one WAITING for the Beloved. Read with reverence." -Macrina Wiederkehr.
And I realized that I am STILL not expecting the Lord to show up when I put myself before Him. I am afraid - I am afraid that He is not coming, that I will be disappointed again, that I will have to wait more years for Him to come and get me out of this Dark Night ... I don't want that long long long space between drips anymore, so I don't even put my face under the faucet. I have stopped expecting the Lord to show up. So I instantly began confessing my fear ... and I set my heart to praying through the unbelief that I have stored up in this space ... and then I realized there is something even deeper that the fear was covering over. I asked the Lord what it was, and then I read a little further ... I got to this quote by Brother Lawrence,
"God has infinite treasures to give us. Yet a little tangible devotion, which passes away in a moment, seems to satisfy us. How blind we are, since in this way we tie God's hands, and we STOP the abundance of His grace! But when He finds a soul penetrated with LIVING FAITH, He pours out grace on it with abundance. God's grace is like a TORRENT. When it is stopped from taking its ordinary course, it looks for another outlet, and when it finds one, it spreads out with impetuosity and abundance."
While I read this I had a picture in my mind of me standing on a rock in a huge waterfall - water rushing on my right, on my left, that wild torrent... and yet it was passing me by. I had stopped it from flowing over me, in me, through me... but that power - that torrent - was there - available - but I was missing it.
I prayed again... confessing my fear, my unbelief, and God impressed upon me again that this was just the surface and there was something deeper. I asked again, "Speak, Lord, your servant is listening." And He showed me a scene from an old Star Trek Voyager episode.... OK... well that's a little bit weird. It was an episode where one of the characters - Kes - basically transformed and became something totally new. She was like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly. AND then the Lord reminded me of a movie I haven't seen in ages called The Abyss ... and at the end the main character goes down into the Abyss and meets a spectacular glowing alien race and is saved. OK. Again a bit weird. As I continued to listen in prayer I realized that the Lord was revealing my deeper fear - a complete unrecognizable transformation - that's what I am really afraid of. But at the same time telling me that - that is exactly where He is taking me - DEEP - into a total transformation. This prayer experience wiped away all of my fear. And my heart unclenched and released itself to the Lord and just said,"yes."
I went and found that episode of Star Trek and watched the parts where Kes begins and then finishes her transformation. I found myself wanting to be her ... wanting to let go... wanting to be free and fly. I am ready to be on the mountain with You, Lord. "Speak, Lord, your servant is listening."
Sunday, October 23, 2016
opposites from Genesis
On the day that the Lord gave me the opposite of shame ... I began thinking of all other opposites in the first 3 chapters of Genesis ... It's been helpful thinking through some of these things though now as I am looking at the list some of them need to go together or I would shift them a bit but I thought it would be helpful to have it written here for my future study. I'm not sure which of them came first - so this list is random...
Garden Gift - Curse: work the ground
dominion - curse the ground
earth fruitful - curse the ground
live forever - finite
naked - animal skins
naked - fig leaves
eyes closed? - eyes opened
presence - cast out
access to God - cast out
image bearers - now image marred
unashamed - shameful
blessed - cursed
tree of life - tree of the knowledge of good and evil
open walk with God - hiding
relational peace? - blame
peace? - the enemy
righteous - broken
truth - lie
innocent - guilty
fullness - emptiness
life - death
wholeness - sin
provision - work
delights - toil
unlike God? - like God
freedom - guarded
humility - pride
God-centered - self-centered
see the Lord - see only self
sin - innocence
shame - wonder
Garden Gift - Curse: work the ground
dominion - curse the ground
earth fruitful - curse the ground
live forever - finite
naked - animal skins
naked - fig leaves
eyes closed? - eyes opened
presence - cast out
access to God - cast out
image bearers - now image marred
unashamed - shameful
blessed - cursed
tree of life - tree of the knowledge of good and evil
open walk with God - hiding
relational peace? - blame
peace? - the enemy
righteous - broken
truth - lie
innocent - guilty
fullness - emptiness
life - death
wholeness - sin
provision - work
delights - toil
unlike God? - like God
freedom - guarded
humility - pride
God-centered - self-centered
see the Lord - see only self
sin - innocence
shame - wonder
Sunday, October 16, 2016
the opposite of shame is ...
Its been a long while. Ive been busy with the kids and school but beyond that my computer never seems to be in my possession anymore! Today I am locked away in my room for some quiet time with the Lord. And it is still quiet. The Lord has shifted some things -- my heart feels glad, I have a couple of things that I get to 'do' now ... but HE is still quite quiet. I figured finally though, that perhaps I just need to walk into the quiet and be quiet with Him. Even a few months ago I would not have chosen to do this... it felt too frustrating and disappointing and I had a lot of fear bound up in not being 'met' with. I think that fear is gone - or been pushed aside? - because now I just want to put myself where God is MOST LIKELY to show up. And now I have an expectation that He just might show up, maybe it's because of some stirrings of late. Ideas are flowing more readily, scripture feels a little more 'something' then it did in the recent past. Music is grazing my soul more easily. It's just not full yet... it still doesn't feel like intimacy yet... I'm still waiting for that connection.
But here is what I've been thinking about for awhile now... and became especially prevelant in the last month. We had a women's retreat at our church ... and the speaker - though not awesome - had a couple of good things to contribute. The first night somehow I went back to thinking about shame. This topic has been much on my mind all throughout my dark night. I as I sat there not really listening I just kept praying about what the opposite of shame is. I kept asking God and trying to think through Genesis working the problem over and over in my mind. I've done some reading on shame over the last 3 years - some of which I agree with - some not so much. But one thing in all my study and thought is the realization that shame is the FEELING that comes from our sin. It is a consequence of sin. We (and by we I mean the church at large generally) just lightly touches on this subject. We will pass by this word in a song, or skim past it in a verse ... but I have come to believe that this is a huge underlying reason why we are so stuck in - steeped in - and why it is such a struggle for us to be transformed by God. To put it simply ... we are oblivious to how shame drives much of what we do, think, say and feel.
We have never learned to identify shame. We have never learned how to deal with shame. You may ask - but hasn't Jesus dealt with all of our sin and shame - shouldn't it just be wiped away like our sin was on the cross. Well heartily YES... quickly followed by... and NO. All of our sin was washed away by the blood of Jesus ... yet we still have to deal with the effects of our sin nature until we enter eternity ... so it is true that all of our shame was washed away with our sin but we still have to deal with those same effects that echo in our souls from shame.
So anyway back to the retreat ... I prayed and prayed for a word that means the opposite of shame ... I rolled Genesis 1-3 over and over in my mind. no answer came that night. The next day after our first session with the speaker ... she had prepared a word for each of the attendees. There were 150 words inside of blank envelopes that she passed around the room that you could choose from. i got my word and it said ... 'wonder'. I sat with that for a minute wondering what it was for ... and then it struck me what if THIS is the answer to my question from the night before ... is 'wonder' the opposite of shame? At first I really wasn't sure at all. I began mulling the word over in my mind trying to define it. My mind picture for shame is that idea of Adam and Eve running and hiding from God. Getting low in the bushes, sewing together fig leaves. It's a self focus - and inward feeling of disgust with oneself, a total feeling of wrongness - I am broken and I can not be fixed. Self-centeredness has now taken over.
When I began thinking of the word 'wonder' the pictures that come to my mind are of adorable children finding something amazing in the creek or their yard and running to their parents to show them its incredible beauty. Its an outward display of beauty on their face. It's peace and delight. It's the exact opposite of the self-centeredness of shame. But I still couldn't quite put the 2 words together as opposites just then - something didn't fit for me. The pictures seemed close but something felt off.
Then the other night I was dreaming ... but before I went to bed I prayed through the Divine Hours ... the final prayer of the day contained this ...
"And now I ask that you will work within me while I sleep, using the hours of my rest to create in mea new mind and heart and soul. May my mind, which during the day was directed to my work and activities, through the night be directed wholly to you. "
... I LOVE that. So I prayed it heartily. And I believe that God answered, because somewhere in the night I think I realized what the opposite is. What really brought it home for me was realizing the opposite of 'sin.' I would have thought it to be holiness ... but truly I think God told me in a dream while going over Genesis that it is INNOCENCE. And so the opposite of shame is in fact 'wonder'.
Innocence and wonder, sin and shame.
Why does this matter? Because we learn in opposites. It helps when we can wrap our minds wholly around the problem and examine it from start to finish.
So if sin and shame have been taken away by the blood of Christ ... then innocence and wonder can be restored to us ... the question then is posed to you God - how? what the heck does that look like? What does that mean for me - especially in light of what I went through 2 years ago - when you walked me through all of my shame? What exactly do you want for me next?
But here is what I've been thinking about for awhile now... and became especially prevelant in the last month. We had a women's retreat at our church ... and the speaker - though not awesome - had a couple of good things to contribute. The first night somehow I went back to thinking about shame. This topic has been much on my mind all throughout my dark night. I as I sat there not really listening I just kept praying about what the opposite of shame is. I kept asking God and trying to think through Genesis working the problem over and over in my mind. I've done some reading on shame over the last 3 years - some of which I agree with - some not so much. But one thing in all my study and thought is the realization that shame is the FEELING that comes from our sin. It is a consequence of sin. We (and by we I mean the church at large generally) just lightly touches on this subject. We will pass by this word in a song, or skim past it in a verse ... but I have come to believe that this is a huge underlying reason why we are so stuck in - steeped in - and why it is such a struggle for us to be transformed by God. To put it simply ... we are oblivious to how shame drives much of what we do, think, say and feel.
We have never learned to identify shame. We have never learned how to deal with shame. You may ask - but hasn't Jesus dealt with all of our sin and shame - shouldn't it just be wiped away like our sin was on the cross. Well heartily YES... quickly followed by... and NO. All of our sin was washed away by the blood of Jesus ... yet we still have to deal with the effects of our sin nature until we enter eternity ... so it is true that all of our shame was washed away with our sin but we still have to deal with those same effects that echo in our souls from shame.
So anyway back to the retreat ... I prayed and prayed for a word that means the opposite of shame ... I rolled Genesis 1-3 over and over in my mind. no answer came that night. The next day after our first session with the speaker ... she had prepared a word for each of the attendees. There were 150 words inside of blank envelopes that she passed around the room that you could choose from. i got my word and it said ... 'wonder'. I sat with that for a minute wondering what it was for ... and then it struck me what if THIS is the answer to my question from the night before ... is 'wonder' the opposite of shame? At first I really wasn't sure at all. I began mulling the word over in my mind trying to define it. My mind picture for shame is that idea of Adam and Eve running and hiding from God. Getting low in the bushes, sewing together fig leaves. It's a self focus - and inward feeling of disgust with oneself, a total feeling of wrongness - I am broken and I can not be fixed. Self-centeredness has now taken over.
When I began thinking of the word 'wonder' the pictures that come to my mind are of adorable children finding something amazing in the creek or their yard and running to their parents to show them its incredible beauty. Its an outward display of beauty on their face. It's peace and delight. It's the exact opposite of the self-centeredness of shame. But I still couldn't quite put the 2 words together as opposites just then - something didn't fit for me. The pictures seemed close but something felt off.
Then the other night I was dreaming ... but before I went to bed I prayed through the Divine Hours ... the final prayer of the day contained this ...
"And now I ask that you will work within me while I sleep, using the hours of my rest to create in mea new mind and heart and soul. May my mind, which during the day was directed to my work and activities, through the night be directed wholly to you. "
... I LOVE that. So I prayed it heartily. And I believe that God answered, because somewhere in the night I think I realized what the opposite is. What really brought it home for me was realizing the opposite of 'sin.' I would have thought it to be holiness ... but truly I think God told me in a dream while going over Genesis that it is INNOCENCE. And so the opposite of shame is in fact 'wonder'.
Innocence and wonder, sin and shame.
Why does this matter? Because we learn in opposites. It helps when we can wrap our minds wholly around the problem and examine it from start to finish.
So if sin and shame have been taken away by the blood of Christ ... then innocence and wonder can be restored to us ... the question then is posed to you God - how? what the heck does that look like? What does that mean for me - especially in light of what I went through 2 years ago - when you walked me through all of my shame? What exactly do you want for me next?
Sunday, August 28, 2016
senses
I've actually been pretty happy lately. The days of numbness and shame are far behind, the white room and its blankness feel distant. The earth shattering desperation and ache are gone too. I feel kinda happy go lucky. I feel like The Lord has given me a breath... to freshen my soul... yet He is still quiet. Clearly, whatever He is up to in me is not yet done.
As I think back to my last Soul Care retreat ... and the spiritual direction I received ... I have been feeling a bit stuck, unsure where to go next. As I sat that day and explored how my body experiences life thru my 5 senses my heart rejoiced and felt released to worship... but now since I have been home that experience -- though I know it can't duplicated just seems to be out of reach. I tried to think through some other facet of myself like my mothering. I woke up one morning trying to figure out what about my mothering worships God ... but I hit that wall of shame... and though I fought against it ... could not get past it to contemplate anything worthwhile and life giving. It's like when I first began thinking about how my body worships while in Colorado, it went totally sideways. I ended up making a horrible list of all the ways I hate the way I look, and I had to pray for God to redirect my thoughts and give me a new idea. Maybe I wasn't quite ready to dig into mothering thoughts ... maybe I'm not done with my body yet either ... its funny but I've read a couple things where the 5 senses was mentioned and I feel like I'm supposed to keep exploring that, but when I have gone back to my list it doesn't feel quite right ... like I was supposed to shift and do something different with them but nothing occurred to me at the time.
Then the other day and idea popped into my head ... I'm going to guess it was the Holy Spirit but it could have been my idea -- is there a difference when He and I are meant to be one? not sure on that theological question -- anyway, I'm wondering if perhaps I am supposed to make a spiritual discipline up of exploring my 5 senses more fully and how they each have a role to play in how I/we worship. It makes me think back to one of the first women's retreats at my last church. Someone else was speaking but had asked me to make up a booklet for personal alone time. The idea was to send everyone out with some scripture and make it a full sensory experience. The 5 senses are what called out to me and I sought scripture for each one ... and put it into a journal. Perhaps I need to hunt that down again and see if the Lord is up to anything thru it.
Oh taste and see that the Lord is good... psalm 34
My soul thirsts for the Living God... psalm 42
My soul will be satisfied as with rich food... psalm 63
For your steadfast love is before my eyes ... psalm 26
To You I lift my eyes my eyes, O You who are enthroned in the heavens! ...psalm 123
Let me hear joy and gladness ... psalm 51
Let me hear what God the Lord will speak His people, for He will speak peace ... psalm 85
I cry aloud to God, aloud to God and He will hear me ... psalm 77
I can't find anything off hand for smell and touch ... Ill have to keep searching!
As I think back to my last Soul Care retreat ... and the spiritual direction I received ... I have been feeling a bit stuck, unsure where to go next. As I sat that day and explored how my body experiences life thru my 5 senses my heart rejoiced and felt released to worship... but now since I have been home that experience -- though I know it can't duplicated just seems to be out of reach. I tried to think through some other facet of myself like my mothering. I woke up one morning trying to figure out what about my mothering worships God ... but I hit that wall of shame... and though I fought against it ... could not get past it to contemplate anything worthwhile and life giving. It's like when I first began thinking about how my body worships while in Colorado, it went totally sideways. I ended up making a horrible list of all the ways I hate the way I look, and I had to pray for God to redirect my thoughts and give me a new idea. Maybe I wasn't quite ready to dig into mothering thoughts ... maybe I'm not done with my body yet either ... its funny but I've read a couple things where the 5 senses was mentioned and I feel like I'm supposed to keep exploring that, but when I have gone back to my list it doesn't feel quite right ... like I was supposed to shift and do something different with them but nothing occurred to me at the time.
Then the other day and idea popped into my head ... I'm going to guess it was the Holy Spirit but it could have been my idea -- is there a difference when He and I are meant to be one? not sure on that theological question -- anyway, I'm wondering if perhaps I am supposed to make a spiritual discipline up of exploring my 5 senses more fully and how they each have a role to play in how I/we worship. It makes me think back to one of the first women's retreats at my last church. Someone else was speaking but had asked me to make up a booklet for personal alone time. The idea was to send everyone out with some scripture and make it a full sensory experience. The 5 senses are what called out to me and I sought scripture for each one ... and put it into a journal. Perhaps I need to hunt that down again and see if the Lord is up to anything thru it.
Oh taste and see that the Lord is good... psalm 34
My soul thirsts for the Living God... psalm 42
My soul will be satisfied as with rich food... psalm 63
For your steadfast love is before my eyes ... psalm 26
To You I lift my eyes my eyes, O You who are enthroned in the heavens! ...psalm 123
Let me hear joy and gladness ... psalm 51
Let me hear what God the Lord will speak His people, for He will speak peace ... psalm 85
I cry aloud to God, aloud to God and He will hear me ... psalm 77
I can't find anything off hand for smell and touch ... Ill have to keep searching!
Thursday, August 18, 2016
some excitement
I'm a bit excited these days because God is finally going to let me DO something! I have prayed and prayed over this. I have asked for confirmation 3 times ... which I got via a new friend who said ... why could it be wrong?, second through a devotional, and the third ... happened just after I was praying again for confirmation - she texted and said she was telling some ladies about the group and I hope you are not mad ... :) ...
So I am starting a soul care group.
I had no idea what to call it at first because it will NOT be a study. It's a group of women getting together to practice the spiritual disciplines together. This idea had been brewing in me for awhile. So I told a friend about it just after this last soul care retreat ... and she was so excited about it (she's the one who texted while I was praying!). The idea is to gather some women to do Lectio Divina together, then actually practice or discuss a new discipline to try during the next month, and then end in a different form of prayer - not extemporaneous prayer, but something more contemplative. So my friend started shooting out texts to people she wanted to invite, and my husband was so excited he shot an email out to the whole staff, and then I texted my friends ... and before I knew it within a week I had just over 20 people coming! Truly, I am amazed and excited!
I think I am most excited about is that I tend to hear from God right now ONLY when I am in community. So This will give me a monthly opportunity to feel his presence and hear from Him. Anything else that may happen is gravy on top. I hope God moves in us deeply as we put ourselves in front of Him.
So I am starting a soul care group.
I had no idea what to call it at first because it will NOT be a study. It's a group of women getting together to practice the spiritual disciplines together. This idea had been brewing in me for awhile. So I told a friend about it just after this last soul care retreat ... and she was so excited about it (she's the one who texted while I was praying!). The idea is to gather some women to do Lectio Divina together, then actually practice or discuss a new discipline to try during the next month, and then end in a different form of prayer - not extemporaneous prayer, but something more contemplative. So my friend started shooting out texts to people she wanted to invite, and my husband was so excited he shot an email out to the whole staff, and then I texted my friends ... and before I knew it within a week I had just over 20 people coming! Truly, I am amazed and excited!
I think I am most excited about is that I tend to hear from God right now ONLY when I am in community. So This will give me a monthly opportunity to feel his presence and hear from Him. Anything else that may happen is gravy on top. I hope God moves in us deeply as we put ourselves in front of Him.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)