I've actually been pretty happy lately. The days of numbness and shame are far behind, the white room and its blankness feel distant. The earth shattering desperation and ache are gone too. I feel kinda happy go lucky. I feel like The Lord has given me a breath... to freshen my soul... yet He is still quiet. Clearly, whatever He is up to in me is not yet done.
As I think back to my last Soul Care retreat ... and the spiritual direction I received ... I have been feeling a bit stuck, unsure where to go next. As I sat that day and explored how my body experiences life thru my 5 senses my heart rejoiced and felt released to worship... but now since I have been home that experience -- though I know it can't duplicated just seems to be out of reach. I tried to think through some other facet of myself like my mothering. I woke up one morning trying to figure out what about my mothering worships God ... but I hit that wall of shame... and though I fought against it ... could not get past it to contemplate anything worthwhile and life giving. It's like when I first began thinking about how my body worships while in Colorado, it went totally sideways. I ended up making a horrible list of all the ways I hate the way I look, and I had to pray for God to redirect my thoughts and give me a new idea. Maybe I wasn't quite ready to dig into mothering thoughts ... maybe I'm not done with my body yet either ... its funny but I've read a couple things where the 5 senses was mentioned and I feel like I'm supposed to keep exploring that, but when I have gone back to my list it doesn't feel quite right ... like I was supposed to shift and do something different with them but nothing occurred to me at the time.
Then the other day and idea popped into my head ... I'm going to guess it was the Holy Spirit but it could have been my idea -- is there a difference when He and I are meant to be one? not sure on that theological question -- anyway, I'm wondering if perhaps I am supposed to make a spiritual discipline up of exploring my 5 senses more fully and how they each have a role to play in how I/we worship. It makes me think back to one of the first women's retreats at my last church. Someone else was speaking but had asked me to make up a booklet for personal alone time. The idea was to send everyone out with some scripture and make it a full sensory experience. The 5 senses are what called out to me and I sought scripture for each one ... and put it into a journal. Perhaps I need to hunt that down again and see if the Lord is up to anything thru it.
Oh taste and see that the Lord is good... psalm 34
My soul thirsts for the Living God... psalm 42
My soul will be satisfied as with rich food... psalm 63
For your steadfast love is before my eyes ... psalm 26
To You I lift my eyes my eyes, O You who are enthroned in the heavens! ...psalm 123
Let me hear joy and gladness ... psalm 51
Let me hear what God the Lord will speak His people, for He will speak peace ... psalm 85
I cry aloud to God, aloud to God and He will hear me ... psalm 77
I can't find anything off hand for smell and touch ... Ill have to keep searching!
Sunday, August 28, 2016
Thursday, August 18, 2016
some excitement
I'm a bit excited these days because God is finally going to let me DO something! I have prayed and prayed over this. I have asked for confirmation 3 times ... which I got via a new friend who said ... why could it be wrong?, second through a devotional, and the third ... happened just after I was praying again for confirmation - she texted and said she was telling some ladies about the group and I hope you are not mad ... :) ...
So I am starting a soul care group.
I had no idea what to call it at first because it will NOT be a study. It's a group of women getting together to practice the spiritual disciplines together. This idea had been brewing in me for awhile. So I told a friend about it just after this last soul care retreat ... and she was so excited about it (she's the one who texted while I was praying!). The idea is to gather some women to do Lectio Divina together, then actually practice or discuss a new discipline to try during the next month, and then end in a different form of prayer - not extemporaneous prayer, but something more contemplative. So my friend started shooting out texts to people she wanted to invite, and my husband was so excited he shot an email out to the whole staff, and then I texted my friends ... and before I knew it within a week I had just over 20 people coming! Truly, I am amazed and excited!
I think I am most excited about is that I tend to hear from God right now ONLY when I am in community. So This will give me a monthly opportunity to feel his presence and hear from Him. Anything else that may happen is gravy on top. I hope God moves in us deeply as we put ourselves in front of Him.
So I am starting a soul care group.
I had no idea what to call it at first because it will NOT be a study. It's a group of women getting together to practice the spiritual disciplines together. This idea had been brewing in me for awhile. So I told a friend about it just after this last soul care retreat ... and she was so excited about it (she's the one who texted while I was praying!). The idea is to gather some women to do Lectio Divina together, then actually practice or discuss a new discipline to try during the next month, and then end in a different form of prayer - not extemporaneous prayer, but something more contemplative. So my friend started shooting out texts to people she wanted to invite, and my husband was so excited he shot an email out to the whole staff, and then I texted my friends ... and before I knew it within a week I had just over 20 people coming! Truly, I am amazed and excited!
I think I am most excited about is that I tend to hear from God right now ONLY when I am in community. So This will give me a monthly opportunity to feel his presence and hear from Him. Anything else that may happen is gravy on top. I hope God moves in us deeply as we put ourselves in front of Him.
honor
I promised a 'to be continued' on my last post and never delivered!
The last day of the retreat we had an opportunity to have 15 minutes blocks of time with the man who had been teaching us about spiritual formation all week. He is from Denver Seminary ... and our 15 min blocks were supposed to be for beginning a 'rule of life.' I had no idea what that was until he taught us that day ... it's a baseline of spiritual disciplines that are your 'go-to' disciplines. Anyway, I decided to sign up for my 15 minute slot and at least begin to think about what this might mean for someone in the middle of a dark night of the soul. My time slot had no one coming after ... so we sat and chatted under the shade of a tree. H and I had chatted a couple times at dinner in a group but I didn't have much opportunity to share anything in class or other times - so he knew nothing of my story except when I shared about my white box at the beginning of the retreat. So he just started out asking me about myself and my week. I told him about my conversation with G and what God showed me about exploring other parts of who I am -- not just looking at my spiritual side and the dark night. He was intrigued by that idea. He then asked about my dark night and so I described the last 3 years and all the stripping ... and I of course shed tears though all of that. He asked what my husband thinks of it all ... and I was able to share something he had said to me on our vacation ... He said that he had stopped talking to God and stopped reading the Bible because he was so angry on my behalf. I shed a tear over that sentiment ... knowing it was not the right thing - but touched that he had felt that strongly for me. I told him though -- that is so sweet but PLEASE - one of us should have access to God - so please get back with The Lord. Somewhere in all of that I just began expressing my heartfelt desire to be with Jesus again ... that truly from the bottom of my heart that is all I want is to be intimate with Him again. H at the end of our meeting said what an honor it had been to sit and listen to my story ... that I had inspired him. WHAT? really? I was blown away. He's a seminary professor and I'm just me - homeschooling pastors wife mom locked away at home in the middle of a dark night of the soul. These last 3 years have been so isolating - it was weird to hear him say that to me.
So in our last session Thursday night we had communion together ... the elements in the middle of our big circle of chairs ... we shared some stories and what we learned from the week and then prayed over communion. We were supposed to go up and get the elements for ourselves when we were ready. But I sat there and never felt quite ready ... I spent some time confessing ... especially spiritual pride of all things after what H had said to me earlier. Wishing my heart would focus off of myself and focus on Jesus. Man that is so my prayer. When all of a sudden I felt someone touch my hand. It was H - he was there kneeling in front of me! - offering me the communion elements - telling me Jesus' body is broken for me, His blood is shed for me. I can't even describe the tears as they welled up in me - it was involuntary - totally different - like my spirit was crying but not my brain - huge tears rolled down my face. A friend next to me grabbed my ankle as she kneeled on the floor and I was sitting in a chair. It was an amazing moment. I'm still not quite sure what to do with such a gift.
It makes me think of the last retreat ... when S gave me his 'beloved' ring ... now I have another moment to add to it of another man, H, kneeling to offer me communion. Both are such big moments - both bestowing an honor on me, both from older fatherly men, both feel 'bridal' in nature. I can't escape that symbolism ... that Song of Solomon, Christ and His Bride symbolism. I just wish I could fully understand what the Lord is saying to me in it. It feels clear though ... that God seems to be 'wooing' me.
The last day of the retreat we had an opportunity to have 15 minutes blocks of time with the man who had been teaching us about spiritual formation all week. He is from Denver Seminary ... and our 15 min blocks were supposed to be for beginning a 'rule of life.' I had no idea what that was until he taught us that day ... it's a baseline of spiritual disciplines that are your 'go-to' disciplines. Anyway, I decided to sign up for my 15 minute slot and at least begin to think about what this might mean for someone in the middle of a dark night of the soul. My time slot had no one coming after ... so we sat and chatted under the shade of a tree. H and I had chatted a couple times at dinner in a group but I didn't have much opportunity to share anything in class or other times - so he knew nothing of my story except when I shared about my white box at the beginning of the retreat. So he just started out asking me about myself and my week. I told him about my conversation with G and what God showed me about exploring other parts of who I am -- not just looking at my spiritual side and the dark night. He was intrigued by that idea. He then asked about my dark night and so I described the last 3 years and all the stripping ... and I of course shed tears though all of that. He asked what my husband thinks of it all ... and I was able to share something he had said to me on our vacation ... He said that he had stopped talking to God and stopped reading the Bible because he was so angry on my behalf. I shed a tear over that sentiment ... knowing it was not the right thing - but touched that he had felt that strongly for me. I told him though -- that is so sweet but PLEASE - one of us should have access to God - so please get back with The Lord. Somewhere in all of that I just began expressing my heartfelt desire to be with Jesus again ... that truly from the bottom of my heart that is all I want is to be intimate with Him again. H at the end of our meeting said what an honor it had been to sit and listen to my story ... that I had inspired him. WHAT? really? I was blown away. He's a seminary professor and I'm just me - homeschooling pastors wife mom locked away at home in the middle of a dark night of the soul. These last 3 years have been so isolating - it was weird to hear him say that to me.
So in our last session Thursday night we had communion together ... the elements in the middle of our big circle of chairs ... we shared some stories and what we learned from the week and then prayed over communion. We were supposed to go up and get the elements for ourselves when we were ready. But I sat there and never felt quite ready ... I spent some time confessing ... especially spiritual pride of all things after what H had said to me earlier. Wishing my heart would focus off of myself and focus on Jesus. Man that is so my prayer. When all of a sudden I felt someone touch my hand. It was H - he was there kneeling in front of me! - offering me the communion elements - telling me Jesus' body is broken for me, His blood is shed for me. I can't even describe the tears as they welled up in me - it was involuntary - totally different - like my spirit was crying but not my brain - huge tears rolled down my face. A friend next to me grabbed my ankle as she kneeled on the floor and I was sitting in a chair. It was an amazing moment. I'm still not quite sure what to do with such a gift.
It makes me think of the last retreat ... when S gave me his 'beloved' ring ... now I have another moment to add to it of another man, H, kneeling to offer me communion. Both are such big moments - both bestowing an honor on me, both from older fatherly men, both feel 'bridal' in nature. I can't escape that symbolism ... that Song of Solomon, Christ and His Bride symbolism. I just wish I could fully understand what the Lord is saying to me in it. It feels clear though ... that God seems to be 'wooing' me.
Sunday, July 24, 2016
my ebenezer fan
A lot has happened since I last wrote anything down. My family and I had 3 weeks of vacation ... and it was not the most relaxing of vacations. It was a tour up the east coast to Maine and back visiting different family members along the way. Without going into details ... there were just a bunch of different family issues at each stop that came into play that just made the whole vacation less about peace and quiet and more about serving. That is not a bad thing - it was just different than expected - and if I am being honest not really what I wanted.
Putting that all aside ... as soon as we arrived home I had my second retreat to Colorado for the Soul Care Institute. It was a beautiful setting - gorgeous grounds on a convent in Colorado Springs. Beautiful stone buildings, nestled in the foot hills of the mountains, in lush real grass, with deer that ate from your hand, and perfect sunny cool days.
The first full day of the retreat they always give us a 5-6 hour window for silence and solitude. This is my least favorite part because I always get silence from God, so who needs 6 hours set apart for it? I decided to schedule my spiritual direction hour to fall during this time to suck up at least one of those blasted hours. I met with a women I haven't really talked with a whole lot ... that was the first problem but I tried to remain open anyway. Since she didn't know my story I tried to share it very briefly with her so that I could get to the current problem. When I shared though I was very scattered and chaotic ... and she latched onto the part about me not being healed from shame yet. She thought it might be a good idea to do some healing prayer in that direction and I consented - truly not sure what God wanted for the time. So we dove into healing prayer ... that means I had to track down my first memory where shame came onto the scene. I came to the time when my mom came and told me that she, and my brother and I were all moving out because my parents were separating. Then you're supposed to go back into that memory and invite Jesus to come and speak to you in some way about that event. Before we prayed though, I asked 'what if He doesn't show up?' She assured me He would ... but after about 5 minutes of imagining the scene and asking Him to show - He most decidedly did NOT show up. So deflated she and I went our separate ways for the rest of the afternoon. I wandered around trying to nap unsuccessfully and ended up staring at the trees and the sky and the planes dragging gliders into the sky for the airfare academy students. It was a LONG afternoon. Then finally a couple in my cohort came along having broken their silence and I was massively relieved to have 2 someones to talk with!
The next day S and G from the Potter's Inn were down to join us for the day and they decided to offer some hours of spiritual direction. I immediately signed up for one with G. So when we sat down that afternoon I was able to dive right in because G already knows my story. I told her about my white room. The white room has no windows and no doors, no 2 way mirror, and I am most decidedly not in a straight jacket!, its bright and and clean so that feels hopeful but I am sitting in the middle and I am bored and have no idea what this feeling is for - or what the heck I am supposed to do in there. So once again I find myself frustrated (mildly) but resigned to wait. I reiterated to G again just how much I want to be with the Lord - how much I long for Him ... and then she said something very interesting! She said ... 'A----, I have often heard you say that, and I do not doubt your heart on that, but I am wondering what would happen if we set your longing aside for a while?' ... What? ... hmmm... She went on to explain ... 'What if you explored all the other pieces of who you are for a while?' ... She prefaced all of this by saying that all the parts of me - are all me - and are all one - and are ALL spiritual. No part of me whether it is my body or my mind, or my mothering or being a wife or pastor's wife, or my creativeness, or any other facet of my life ... is separate from any other part - and each part of who I am is part of me and is SACRED. So she suggested that if I set aside my focus from the spiritual - stopped looking at my longing for God constantly - perhaps God would reveal something new about who I am and what He wants for me.
Ok - like WOW - what a CRAZY thought. I sat there pondering that and G asked me what I was thinking about it all. And I said the whole idea reminded me of something the Lord directed me to way back in December. That whole idea of a new bucket. The essence of that whole thing started because S had said to me I didn't know myself at all ... which made me angry. I tossed and turned all night thinking about my intimacy with the Lord because of it. Anyway I came out on the other side of that realizing that I up until then the only thing that I offered to the Lord constantly - was my dark and ugly sinful self. And what He wanted from me was for me to discover my 'glory', my 'belatedness', my created beauty... so that I could offer more than just my ugly half to Him. Because how can you be intimate with God ... when you only offer Him half of who you are. And I realized in that night that if God created us to be intimate with Him ... then this dark night of the soul was to bring me from less intimacy to more intimacy with Him. Yet here I was only giving Him half of myself. So this whole new bucket thing ... was about filling a new 'beautiful' bucket ... the problem was The Lord never showed me what to do with it ... until now!
So I shared all of this with G... and then she and I were on a roll together. She said what if you explored how as a mother you worship God? Or with your body? Or as an artist? Or as a wife? Then I came up with an illustration ... I had a picture of a southern fan in my mind (you know the kind that flip out to one side so women can shyly hide behind them as they keep their faces cooled), but my fan was all closed up and all I could see was one piece of the fan, because that was all I could imagine. All I could see was the outside - or the spiritual side of things. But G was saying what if you clicked it open and explore the different facets inside? One part for each part of me ... she said 'A----, what if you spent some time honoring each part of who God has made you to be - because He wants YOU - ALL of YOU. And if you think about one of those fans ... there is usually a beautiful picture all printed on the fan. This had my brain all stirred up.
So G prayed over me as we closed ... but I could barely hear what she had to say because now suddenly I was picturing myself back in that white room... and it was if God was pointing out that I was in fact the only thing in that room. And that the reason He had given me all white walls was because it was in fact a blank slate - or a new bucket - or a blank canvas - to paint on. I was the thing He wanted me to look at - but He wanted me to look at myself in a whole new way.
OK WOW.
Now I had something to do in the rest of my solitude that afternoon. So I went off by myself with a journal and started thinking through the questions ... what DOES God want me to know about myself? What AM I supposed to explore about myself? I ended up starting in with my body. We had talked about the different dimensions that make us up that day in class and the BODY stood out the most for whatever reason. So I sat there trying to figure out just even what to ask about my body - and how it describes me? I didn't get it at first ... and I started describing what I like and dislike about my appearance ... THIS DID NOT GO WELL. My list was full of horrible things ... and I think I had only one like on the whole page. I even wrote on the bottom ... 'I'm pretty sure this is not what God had in mind - I need a new idea!' So I sat there a few minutes and this idea popped into my mind, 'how does your body experience the world?'... I answered my own thought ... 'through my 5 senses.' This idea resonated with me because of specifically surrendering my 5 senses last summer to God. So I began to write down the things I like to physically feel with my hands... I had picked a Lamb's Ear leaf earlier that day because they are so soft! and I just love them ... so that was one of my first thoughts ... then soft blankets, the wind on my face etc... etc... etc... and it just kept building. Then I moved on to hearing, smelling, tasting and seeing! By the time I made it through half the list I was so filled with this amazing joy and gratitude, like I hadn't felt in years. It was astonishing! Everyone said that evening how changed I was - that I was glowing. It truly was a crazy good afternoon.
And the whole thing seems so simple. So child-like. So basic. But it was so far from it. This was God teaching me to see myself with new eyes. To NOT see the ugly sinful parts of who I am - and believe me, they are all still there and will not be overlooked! - but they do not need to be explored for right now. God is asking me to see myself the way that HE sees me. He looks on me with absolute love and devotion ... but I have continually seen myself only as black and disgusting full of sin - full of shame - and that's how I keep presenting myself to Him. What intimacy can there be in that? What a crazy thought... that He wants me - to see ME - as beautiful, because HE sees me as beautiful.
So I bought myself a fan ... as an ebenezer... a memorial to this lovely day ... exploring my TRUE self.
Putting that all aside ... as soon as we arrived home I had my second retreat to Colorado for the Soul Care Institute. It was a beautiful setting - gorgeous grounds on a convent in Colorado Springs. Beautiful stone buildings, nestled in the foot hills of the mountains, in lush real grass, with deer that ate from your hand, and perfect sunny cool days.
The first full day of the retreat they always give us a 5-6 hour window for silence and solitude. This is my least favorite part because I always get silence from God, so who needs 6 hours set apart for it? I decided to schedule my spiritual direction hour to fall during this time to suck up at least one of those blasted hours. I met with a women I haven't really talked with a whole lot ... that was the first problem but I tried to remain open anyway. Since she didn't know my story I tried to share it very briefly with her so that I could get to the current problem. When I shared though I was very scattered and chaotic ... and she latched onto the part about me not being healed from shame yet. She thought it might be a good idea to do some healing prayer in that direction and I consented - truly not sure what God wanted for the time. So we dove into healing prayer ... that means I had to track down my first memory where shame came onto the scene. I came to the time when my mom came and told me that she, and my brother and I were all moving out because my parents were separating. Then you're supposed to go back into that memory and invite Jesus to come and speak to you in some way about that event. Before we prayed though, I asked 'what if He doesn't show up?' She assured me He would ... but after about 5 minutes of imagining the scene and asking Him to show - He most decidedly did NOT show up. So deflated she and I went our separate ways for the rest of the afternoon. I wandered around trying to nap unsuccessfully and ended up staring at the trees and the sky and the planes dragging gliders into the sky for the airfare academy students. It was a LONG afternoon. Then finally a couple in my cohort came along having broken their silence and I was massively relieved to have 2 someones to talk with!
The next day S and G from the Potter's Inn were down to join us for the day and they decided to offer some hours of spiritual direction. I immediately signed up for one with G. So when we sat down that afternoon I was able to dive right in because G already knows my story. I told her about my white room. The white room has no windows and no doors, no 2 way mirror, and I am most decidedly not in a straight jacket!, its bright and and clean so that feels hopeful but I am sitting in the middle and I am bored and have no idea what this feeling is for - or what the heck I am supposed to do in there. So once again I find myself frustrated (mildly) but resigned to wait. I reiterated to G again just how much I want to be with the Lord - how much I long for Him ... and then she said something very interesting! She said ... 'A----, I have often heard you say that, and I do not doubt your heart on that, but I am wondering what would happen if we set your longing aside for a while?' ... What? ... hmmm... She went on to explain ... 'What if you explored all the other pieces of who you are for a while?' ... She prefaced all of this by saying that all the parts of me - are all me - and are all one - and are ALL spiritual. No part of me whether it is my body or my mind, or my mothering or being a wife or pastor's wife, or my creativeness, or any other facet of my life ... is separate from any other part - and each part of who I am is part of me and is SACRED. So she suggested that if I set aside my focus from the spiritual - stopped looking at my longing for God constantly - perhaps God would reveal something new about who I am and what He wants for me.
Ok - like WOW - what a CRAZY thought. I sat there pondering that and G asked me what I was thinking about it all. And I said the whole idea reminded me of something the Lord directed me to way back in December. That whole idea of a new bucket. The essence of that whole thing started because S had said to me I didn't know myself at all ... which made me angry. I tossed and turned all night thinking about my intimacy with the Lord because of it. Anyway I came out on the other side of that realizing that I up until then the only thing that I offered to the Lord constantly - was my dark and ugly sinful self. And what He wanted from me was for me to discover my 'glory', my 'belatedness', my created beauty... so that I could offer more than just my ugly half to Him. Because how can you be intimate with God ... when you only offer Him half of who you are. And I realized in that night that if God created us to be intimate with Him ... then this dark night of the soul was to bring me from less intimacy to more intimacy with Him. Yet here I was only giving Him half of myself. So this whole new bucket thing ... was about filling a new 'beautiful' bucket ... the problem was The Lord never showed me what to do with it ... until now!
So I shared all of this with G... and then she and I were on a roll together. She said what if you explored how as a mother you worship God? Or with your body? Or as an artist? Or as a wife? Then I came up with an illustration ... I had a picture of a southern fan in my mind (you know the kind that flip out to one side so women can shyly hide behind them as they keep their faces cooled), but my fan was all closed up and all I could see was one piece of the fan, because that was all I could imagine. All I could see was the outside - or the spiritual side of things. But G was saying what if you clicked it open and explore the different facets inside? One part for each part of me ... she said 'A----, what if you spent some time honoring each part of who God has made you to be - because He wants YOU - ALL of YOU. And if you think about one of those fans ... there is usually a beautiful picture all printed on the fan. This had my brain all stirred up.
So G prayed over me as we closed ... but I could barely hear what she had to say because now suddenly I was picturing myself back in that white room... and it was if God was pointing out that I was in fact the only thing in that room. And that the reason He had given me all white walls was because it was in fact a blank slate - or a new bucket - or a blank canvas - to paint on. I was the thing He wanted me to look at - but He wanted me to look at myself in a whole new way.
OK WOW.
Now I had something to do in the rest of my solitude that afternoon. So I went off by myself with a journal and started thinking through the questions ... what DOES God want me to know about myself? What AM I supposed to explore about myself? I ended up starting in with my body. We had talked about the different dimensions that make us up that day in class and the BODY stood out the most for whatever reason. So I sat there trying to figure out just even what to ask about my body - and how it describes me? I didn't get it at first ... and I started describing what I like and dislike about my appearance ... THIS DID NOT GO WELL. My list was full of horrible things ... and I think I had only one like on the whole page. I even wrote on the bottom ... 'I'm pretty sure this is not what God had in mind - I need a new idea!' So I sat there a few minutes and this idea popped into my mind, 'how does your body experience the world?'... I answered my own thought ... 'through my 5 senses.' This idea resonated with me because of specifically surrendering my 5 senses last summer to God. So I began to write down the things I like to physically feel with my hands... I had picked a Lamb's Ear leaf earlier that day because they are so soft! and I just love them ... so that was one of my first thoughts ... then soft blankets, the wind on my face etc... etc... etc... and it just kept building. Then I moved on to hearing, smelling, tasting and seeing! By the time I made it through half the list I was so filled with this amazing joy and gratitude, like I hadn't felt in years. It was astonishing! Everyone said that evening how changed I was - that I was glowing. It truly was a crazy good afternoon.
And the whole thing seems so simple. So child-like. So basic. But it was so far from it. This was God teaching me to see myself with new eyes. To NOT see the ugly sinful parts of who I am - and believe me, they are all still there and will not be overlooked! - but they do not need to be explored for right now. God is asking me to see myself the way that HE sees me. He looks on me with absolute love and devotion ... but I have continually seen myself only as black and disgusting full of sin - full of shame - and that's how I keep presenting myself to Him. What intimacy can there be in that? What a crazy thought... that He wants me - to see ME - as beautiful, because HE sees me as beautiful.
So I bought myself a fan ... as an ebenezer... a memorial to this lovely day ... exploring my TRUE self.
Monday, June 6, 2016
From April 30
A friend texted me about fear this morning as she listened to a Piper sermon ...
"Fear does battle with our faith. The two cannot co-exist. When we fear, we submit to the kingdom of this world. When we lift our eyes up in faith, we rise above it."
I texted back...
Perfect love casts out all fear, and when we submit to His perfect love - FULLY abandoned to whatever He brings and allows into our lives - then we will overcome fear. The question is how? I keep saying 'yes' ... and 'yes' again... yet I am still waiting...
So all morning as I consume TV as if I am eating snickerdoodles ... I asked myself - what am I so afraid of? What am I so afraid of that I watched TV until 2 am last night? - unable to fall asleep while my husband is away. What is causing me to rush to my TV alter today to bow down?
I'm not quite sure on all the particulars ... but I think I'm afraid of the silence itself.
"Fear does battle with our faith. The two cannot co-exist. When we fear, we submit to the kingdom of this world. When we lift our eyes up in faith, we rise above it."
I texted back...
Perfect love casts out all fear, and when we submit to His perfect love - FULLY abandoned to whatever He brings and allows into our lives - then we will overcome fear. The question is how? I keep saying 'yes' ... and 'yes' again... yet I am still waiting...
So all morning as I consume TV as if I am eating snickerdoodles ... I asked myself - what am I so afraid of? What am I so afraid of that I watched TV until 2 am last night? - unable to fall asleep while my husband is away. What is causing me to rush to my TV alter today to bow down?
I'm not quite sure on all the particulars ... but I think I'm afraid of the silence itself.
rethinking prophecies
Its a horrible rainy day here in Florida, it's a rare occurrence to have no sun during the day. This followed a wretched night's sleep that had me tossing and turning, and I truly believe that last night my cat was a messenger of Satan waking me up each time I was about to fall back to sleep. This particular night I had restless leg syndrome again ... a crazy legged form of insomnia that I have had to deal with for the past 9 years - gosh I can't believe its been that long. I've learned that food plays a huge part in it ... so I avoid caffeine, sugar, and wheat along with most grains except rice really. Yesterday though, I was completely good and ate none of those things ... so the restless leg syndrome could not have been caused by food. And so as I tossed and turned in my sleep I thought all of that through and figured this - along with my stupid cat - was a demonic attack. I spoke the name of Jesus out loud in my half awake stupor... and instantly my legs relaxed and I could sleep for a while. The hits just kept coming though in other ways... crazy dreams, more cat craziness, and even my husband was having weird dreams.
I thought about all of this when I finally woke up in the morning ... and remembered back to some prophetic moments regarding my restless leg syndrome... they are from a few years ago... the first of which came along the same time that God began His silence... so I went back to read the blog posts that I had written.
A friend had told me about a dream she had had about me and then the Lord tied the dream to my restless leg syndrome as I was up praying about it ...
You had just come back from a prophecy conference or something like that and you were so excited - glowing and beautiful. And you were especially excited about this new way of praying that you had learned. You wanted to show me, so you laid down on the floor and twisted your legs into a crazy but beautiful position. And it was clear that the strength in prayer came from your legs and this crazy beautiful position could not be achieved by human means.
So in the rest of the blog post - as I was reflecting on this connection - the Lord said that my RLS was for my 'training'. Honestly, that still confuses me.... hold on ... I just had an aha moment... I always thought it was for some kind of spiritual training ... now I have just realized that it's for my problems with food. My legs are teaching me- what to eat and not. They make me pay the price when I am eating something that is simply NOT ok for my body - sucky but true. I'm not entirely sure the 'why' of it all -just what is happening. Later that year I had a friend text me 2 related prophecies about me at the Table of the Lamb in heaven ... I still don't fully understand each of them but here is the gist of the first : I was sitting there with my mouth missing unable to eat and I was totally confused ... and at the end the Lord yelled out "I want your appetite!" This came just a day after I had heard the Lord speak to me "I want you hungry." About a month later she texted again with part 2 of the vision ... this time I was ushered to the table as Mephibosheth was ushered to David's table. He was Saul's crippled grandson. And as just the Lord and I sat there, my mouth was returned and I was radiant and at peace. I had a doubled edged sword at my right hand and a bowl of water at my left. This second prophecy came just after I had written a post signifying that the fast I had been on for Lent was over ... so now I'm wondering just how significant that fast may have been ... and just how wrong my conclusions were at the time... prophecy really does take time to unfold.
Perhaps that fast was more symbolic than I had realized ... I still don't understand it all but I think that time of fasting was a small event representing the greater event of His silence... framed with 2 prophecies from a friend about being at the Table of the Lamb... starting out mouthless and confused but in the second able to sit, eat and be satisfied in the presence of the Lord. All the symbols don't make sense yet ... like me as Meph ... will I have 'crippled' legs as I continue on with the Lord? Will this be something I have to deal with for the rest of my days? And what about that bowl of water and sword? The Word and the Spirit? What does that mean? I guess I will need to keep pondering ...
So while I was back in my archives checking out these prophecies I came across a dream I had back in August 2013...
My dream was of me racing down the Niagara River heading toward the Niagara Falls ... I had fallen in and couldn't get out and now I am about to go over! The fear was so big - so scary I woke up so startled!
And I realized as I reflected on my dream that the only way I was going to get out of that crazy current was to be rescued. I need to be RESCUED. Plucked out of the water by some massive hand and put back on land - nothing else would do. When you are heading for the Falls - what else could save you?
So as I was looking at the post and the next one and I realized this dream had little to do with my conclusion at the time and was in fact a warning that I was indeed heading over the Falls into an abyss ... but I still haven't been rescued yet ... that falling - was a falling into this great silence - my dark night of the soul. And indeed I do need to be rescued by the hand of God - and His alone. The very next post I wrote I began talking about God's silence ... and things have not been the same since...
Why can I see these things now? Can I dare hope that this is the beginning of the rescue? That the reason these things are taking shape and becoming clearer is that I am being plucked out of the Falls?
I'm afraid to hope like that.
I'm afraid to hope like that.
blank
Blank is the word I would use to describe how it feels inside of me now. It doesn't matter what I read or what I study ... things don't really stick. It feels like I'm in a white room with no windows or doors - its just blank in every direction. I feel almost like a clean slate with nothing written on me... for example I was reading the Divine Hours yesterday for prayer and the scripture that I read felt as though I had never read it - like it was totally brand new. It's hard to explain the feeling really because I knew in my mind that I did know the scripture ... it was really just how it 'felt' as I was reading. It's hard to hold onto things - and things still feel like they do not penetrate all the way down.
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