wasted

I hardly know where to begin.

I have been stuck inside myself with so much swirling around. There have been so many wrong thoughts. So much unbelief. So much self-hatred. Shame has filled my stomach up with nausea that I have been trying to snuff out with cookies. Which then only feeds my hatred more.

It has been hard to breathe. I have been turning the TV on a lot lately… trying to drown out my own thoughts and breathe again. The noise inside is ugly. I can hardly look at myself in the mirror without loathing. It is hard to settle into a quiet activity because the thoughts rise up again. Such evil like: 'I am  ugly', 'no one wants me around', 'I am full of darkness', 'I am un-pursued', 'I am fat'… and countless more. ' throw up what you just ate' , 'starve yourself', ' life is not worth living'. It's so hard to put into words … it's like a constant choking fog.

I can barely stand it anymore.

I woke up this morning just crying out to God for help. I am so wasted from it. It's exhausting trying to reject each one. Trying to remember the truth.

I so want this done, Lord. Please rescue. Please reveal the shame. I simply can't stand this anymore.