something way bigger

The last couple nights I have been unable to sleep. Restless legs which then lead to a busy mind. 2 nights ago I was up at 4 unable to sleep and read Jeremiah for 2 hours until I could finally fall back to sleep. Last night my mind was just spinning thinking about the idol inside me and wondering about why it's there ... what exactly it is, what the foothold of unbelief is present ... this also went on for 2 hours.

This image of a large golden statue with my face on it is all I can see of late. It is a massive roadblock. But as I told a friend yesterday ... I can't move it on my own... The Lord has to smash it. So I am waiting on the Lord for revelation, for His work to be done, for repentance and healing, for brokenness.

I know it has something to do with ease and comfort. Making myself feel good. That is why I eat. That is why I read novels and watch TV. That is why I run from my kids and hide out in my room. That is why when I give up all of my regular forms of pleasure I will just find something else to fill its place ... presently it is a game on my phone. All of these things I do to excess... none is bad in itself ... it is my sin of misuse and overuse that is bad.

Clearly I am trying to fill a hole that seems never to be filled. It always needs to be satisfied again. I always need another fix. My mind rarely feels at rest - rarely quiet - in fact, those things are what I use to quiet the constant war in my mind. Because when I am focused on the TV or a novel or the next tasty meal ... THEN my mind gets a break. So the things I run to are comforting to me - are really just a symptom of something way bigger. But these excesses need to be broken off at the source.

I realized last night as I tossed and turned half awake for 2 hours that it is a deep rooted self-centeredness. Feeding me and my needs to this level is a huge indication of this. This kind of self-centeredness is also at the root of depression which I have struggled with in the past. Depression is pride turned inward to an extreme level - an absorption of self - especially self-hatred. But here and now I do not feel depressed, and truly I do not think I have fallen into that trap again. So what is it then?

I fear it has something to do with a time long ago, when I was in Junior High. From 11 until the time I was saved at 16 ... I was extremely depressed. My parents had separated, I was living with my Mom, she had invited a man to live with us, and I had found out she had had an affair. Hatred burned in me for her, and myself ... and in the midst of it I was suicidal, and had demons speaking evil things to me. I didn't know what it was at the time - I just thought I was going crazy. Even as I think about this period in my life - I wonder what it could be that has taken such root. I feel like I have combed this area of my life so thoroughly and gotten all I can from it ... but yet as I prayed last night, I felt like this is where I ended up. It does seem logical that such an idol, a foothold of the sin of over comfort, could have taken root in a time where I was so very lost.

Lord, I need revelation. Please direct, Please reveal, lead me to repentance and freedom.