food again

I struggle with food.
I have a food addiction.
I have a sloooow metabolism.
Exercise is not my favorite.

Thus ... I am on a diet again. Almost 4 years after I began to lose weight I had almost gained back all of  it I had lost ... just 2 pounds shy. UGGG!

Can I just say what a love/hate relationship I have with food. I love the taste! The smells! Enjoying it at parties, trying new things, eating out, eating in, eating with friends! I love healthy food, junk food - though less so now than I used to! - dessert, breakfast with bacon and good-night snacks. There is very little I don't like when it comes to food... mushrooms and water chestnuts make that list!... BUT here is the thing ... I LOVE JESUS MORE.

I don't want an idol in my life. Especially now that I am reading Isaiah and all through the middle part is a consistent rant from the Lord. 'You love your stupid idols more than me - ME, the Creator of the whole Universe - ME, who put the stars in the heavens - ME, who loves you with an everlasting and perfect love! And yet you choose stupid, man made, fake, small, can't speak, can't eat, can't do anything but fall over - gods.'

Honestly, that really is stupid.

So even though I would love to blow off this whole idea of dieting again (especially now when it is extra hard since we moved and are having dinners with new people left and right) ... I simply can't ignore what God is calling me to - again. Not when HIS JOY is the thing I say I want most, not when I say I want His presence more than anything, not when I am asking for Him to increase my gift of prophecy, not when I am asking Him what it means to abide everyday! Because ignoring the one thing He is asking me to shed off - the idol that needs to go - and saying I want all this great stuff from Him - is me being really stupid.

So I am listening. Food has got to go - again.

I can't say all my motivations are pure ... in fact as I prayed the other day as God was impressing this on  me again ... I said OK God - I will do this but mostly I want to be pretty - and fit in my clothes again, secondly, I want to be healthy ... and last on my list is a desire to be obedient. It is what it is ... please work on me.

There is a lot of stupid in us creatures.

the usuals

It's amazing that as soon as you start doing something new how all your insecurities start flying around. PMS does not help this issue at all ... and it feels like a doozy this month. The tape in my head sounds like this...

You're not pretty enough!
You're too fat!
None of your clothes fit!
What are you going to say?
Why would anyone want to know you?
Why would anyone care what you say?
How am I going to do this?
What's this going to be like? and do I want it?
This is too hard!
Why am I not loving enough?
I wish my flesh was nicer!
I want to eat everything in sight!
Food is comfort!

on and on and on and on and on ....

I wish I could say I rebuked the enemy right away "Get Thee Behind Me, Satan!" But too much of me thinks I DESERVE to hear those things! Yup in my flesh - I AM NOTHING!

But in JESUS - HE IS EVERYTHING! And I am in HIM - and He is in ME ...

He is beautiful ... I am beautiful.
The Spirit will teach me everything I need to say in the moment that I need it.
People need to know Jesus ... and He speaks through me ... I am His eyes, ears, hands, and feet ... If I don't tell them - who will?
Fear is from the enemy ... Jesus doesn't give me a Spirit of fear, but of power, love and self discipline,
and when we fear we are not being perfected in God's love...
My flesh doesn't need to be nice ... because I should be letting the Spirit flow through me ... He is ALWAYS loving.... so I can be loving too.
And food is just one of many blessings from the Lord ... Jesus is comfort and life.

Why does it always take so long to come to my senses! Newness is hard ... new people, new place, new church, new everything ... but It can be exciting too if I would just let Jesus in and through me! He will show me how to love, and be soft, and friendly, and feel as I should ... I should feel loved, and free, and full ... that is His offering - Jesus I want to trade in my crap for all of that good stuff.

Forgive me for being blind - again. For believing all the lies of the enemy - again. Keep my eyes on Jesus ... Keep my mind at peace with you ... let your love flow out of me. Let the usuals be nothing ... come and be everything.

joy

So since the Women's retreat at the beginning of June, I felt the Lord bring to the forefront something that He had in the background of my attention in the midst of all of my busyness throughout the Spring - JOY.

I hadn't really realized that joy was a particular issue in my life ... but I just reread a few older posts from earlier in the year and I would say now - that is exactly what my problem is. My constant struggle to find rest, and peace, my head above the storms of life, my eyes fixed on the grand vision of Jesus is in fact all a quest for joy. But I didn't really get that until now.

All throughout the Spring The Lord was very present ... I felt Him near though in a way that says 'I am here' - even though you can't really experience me. So I kept wondering why when I really needed to give something away - a word from the Lord to someone in need - He was right there on my lips - speaking through my voice, but I couldn't ever feel Him. Why did it seem He was present for everyone else but for me? It didn't seem to make sense. I had a conversation with a friend one day outside my former house right before we left and she asked me why I thought that was. I honestly had no answer but when I reflected on a vision the Lord gave me in the fall last year of His love - His omnipresent love everywhere available to us if we would just be an open door that lets Him flow through ... I realized as I spoke it then that a door is not a receptacle, not a vessel for holding anything. If I am just a door and not a container - how can I be filled up with HIs presence? BUT the question is - why do I believe that? - my answer is still - 'I have no idea'.  

In the midst of all the revelations that God showed me last week... The Lord was also teaching me about joy. A couple of days after the vulture and neck and feet, He gave me some insight and of course everything is all tied together. The reverse pride - keeps me from just keeping my eyes on Jesus - (because they are focused on me) and thanking Him and praising Him for all that He has done - all that I KNOW He will do.

A few weeks ago I did a brief study on joy in Biblegateway. I read through all the verses that use the word joy in the Bible. I realized that in the Bible there were really only a few things that were spoken of in regards to joy ... festivals to the Lord - times to remember and be thankful, obedience brings joy, thankfulness, and God's presence brings joy as it says in Psalm 16:11,

    You will show me the way of life,

    granting me the joy of your presence

    and the pleasures of living with you forever.

As I read through all those verses nothing hit me in my heart as something God was highlighting - probably because I sort of already knew this... but this exercise spelled it out clearly. And honestly, I struggle with many of those things. All the gentle, soft, beautiful qualities that can occur naturally in some - just don't seem to occur naturally in me - if they come out, they all come out because of the Holy Spirit (that may be slightly harsh on myself - but generally I think true - I am just a really rough around the edges kinda gal). But anyway, it led to the next part....

So that whole neck and feet - revealing the pride and stubbornness - going ahead of God problem - -

allowed me to get in step with The Lord... and then He gave me this insight about joy - joy is in His presence and to be in His presence you need a PURE HEART. 

 So God gave me those 2 words but I wish I could remember what verse I started this out on, (perhaps in Isaiah which I have been reading?) but I didn't write it down when I first got the stream from the Lord. But then I remembered Matthew 5 and the Beatitudes 'Blessed are the pure in heart for THEY SHALL SEE GOD. Presence.  

Then Psalm 24: 3-6

Who may climb the mountain of the Lord?

    Who may stand in his holy place?

Only those whose hands and hearts are pure,

    who do not worship idols

    and never tell lies.

They will receive the Lord’s blessing

    and have a right relationship with God their savior.

Such people may seek you

    and worship in your presence, O God of Jacob. 

And a bunch of others I did write down as I started searching... Lev 9: 22-24, Psalm 16 :11, Ps 21:6, Ps 68:3-4, Ps 89:15-17, Acts 2:28, 1 Thess 3:9, Jude 24

JOY comes from a pure heart and hands ... holiness ... thats how you get into the presence of the Lord - and His presence IS JOY.... hmmm.... now ok I know I am not holy... feel like I already know that too - so what's next Lord? I keep pressing in ... but now I am TRYING to wait for His lead.

vuture, neck, feet, and legs

Remember a post from way back in January (actually it is only a few posts ago because I didn't write all through the Spring) ... about my neck and feet ... Well God has revealed to me what that meant! Last week was full of crazy stuff from the Lord some of which I will be able to share here - and some not. The neck and feet thing came after a revelation about the vulture 'omen' I had 2 years ago. I know I posted about it - so feel free to dig around and find it if you are curious. Anyway, the Lord revealed who the vulture is and what it all meant... which I can not reveal here. But what I can say is that the Lord provided a warning and then some very specific actions to take so that I and others could see the Lord at work revealing something unseen. There is still much to be confirmed but everything with the Lord takes waiting on Him ... so that is what we do now ... wait.

But the neck and feet thing ... came from a desire to understand the Lord's discipline in these 2 areas. I read Andrew Murray's Divine Healing some time last year and began to realize that all that we experience - whether good or bad - sick or healthy - is for a purpose. So I began to wonder what purpose my constant neck pain had. And then my feet began to cause me serious pain and I had to stop working out - why God? When you know this is an area I struggle in already would you make it harder to work out? So I began to pray into that - I began to study verses in scripture about my neck and feet. The Lord brought to my mind an older way the Bible describes stubborn which is 'stiff-necked'.... hmmm. So I am stubborn? - yes I realize that I am... but in what way am I stubborn? I didn't know ... until now.

God just brought all of this stuff flooding into my mind and said that ... my stiff neck is shown in my desire to stubbornly try to figure out my sin block - on my own is the key here - and thus become too self focused, too inward and this causes what Piper calls reverse pride. Generally pride is thought of as being puffed up and arrogant, making yourself seem bigger than you are. But really pride is a form of self-absorption - thinking I can do whatever I need, for myself. Whether that be outwardly - pushing yourself out toward the world to get it by seeming more important than you are - or inwardly pushing yourself to roominate too much on self to find your answers. For some reason the latter is my tendency - it is my natural fleshly way. I just have to be able to wrap my brain around the 'why' of my sin before I can trust God to just take care of it, and reveal the 'why' of it to me.

And then the feet ... He said my feet always want to walk ahead of Him ... taking the lead - going where He has not led ... and it stems from this need of mine to stubbornly figure out and fix my sin on my own.

Both are obviously wrong, both are obviously not what I want... but how to change? Ahh... the great work of confession saves the day again! What a great thing we have from Jesus to be able to walk into the light and confess our sin and trade it in for the good stuff. We can boldly approach the throne of grace and ask God for the things we need! Praise Jesus for the great exchange!

Father God, I confess that I am full of pride, thinking I can figure out my own deceitful heart and fix it on my own. How wrong I am! I also confess my desire to run ahead of where you are leading ... what a dangerous place to be when I choose not to wait on You and Your timing! Please forgive my sin - wipe it away as far as the east is from the west and fill me instead with humility and patience. Help me to wait on you for the 'why', help me to let you reveal my heart. Help me to know that You are the one who will keep me from falling in this area again and to keep my eyes fully fixed on You.

Now if I only knew what the restless legs are for!

highlights

The call to move has been rolling in from the Lord in pieces for the last 2 years. And now the moving is happening. My family and I are moving from upstate New York to central Florida. The process of leaving everything we have known and help build in our church, our home that we have brought 3 children into - leaving it now seems like a crazy dream. It seems like a vacation except we are never going back 'home' when we are done. BUT it is God's good plan and I am excited to see what is next ... how can it not be good when the calling to leave was so clearly GOD... you just can't help but say - yes.

I have told and retold the story of our moving so many times that it seems redundant to retell it here. BUT there are a couple of highlights that I want to record.

In all the ups and downs of this process ... wondering what God was doing, where He was leading us, waiting and endless waiting ... as soon as He spoke to me 2 years ago in the Fall - when our basement had collapsed - that I was only going to be living there for 2 more years ... I never once doubted that we were going to move this summer. God just gifted me the faith to believe that His word on this WAS/IS true. I think that is amazing. I am grateful for that gift ... and it came in handy as an encouragement to my husband and others on many occasions. Faith in God's word ... whether scripture (which should be preeminent) or given through the Spirit ... is a rock solid place to stand when everything else seems so uncertain - so unknown.

We have so many promises in scripture ... so many things to stand on ... why not ask God to make even more promises come alive in our hearts. Make those crazy things we read that Jesus says ... actually be true in us too. Like we will do even greater works than He did!?... that we can be one with Jesus?!, that the Spirit can cause our hearts to overflow with love, and joy and peace, and patience etc... that IS all for US! Amazing.

The other thing that has amazed me - just how much The Lord asked me to do up until the very end! Way back in December I felt like God had released me from the mission He had me one for the last couple of years. I had been set out to pray - pray for massive things to change at our church, for the Spirit to move afresh, for darkness to be put down, for sin to be repented of ... the list goes on! But when He removed that burden and gave me a break in December and January ... it was hard to let go of all of that! Because that work, though hard, felt awesome - felt right to be a part of! He told me it was a vacation time - a time of rest, but I didn't like it - and I didn't want what I didn't understand.

Then God stripped down a massive wall in our church - a huge stumbling block - a man in sin. And when that was revealed ... I could see my great need for that time of rest, but I didn't take it when I was given that chance ... I missed the blessing of calm before major storms ahead. And then so much more than just that storm was coming... there were decisions about moving, decisions about our house, there was TONS of counseling, planning the women's retreat, my father nearly dying from congestive heart failure and then later a major surgery, interviewing, travel, family visits, showing the house, packing, saying a thousand goodbyes, and moving. That list looks so small now ... but NONE of it it felt small - NONE of it IS small!

But in all that was hard ... Jesus was there. He was present. He was teaching me to abide. Teaching me to need Him. Teaching me to desperately need Him. Need Him every second, every breath. It was so hard but so good.

Both of these things are things I want to remember - that I want to keep living in. I want to LIVE in God's promises - residing on that ROCK ... and I want to always remember just how desperately I need Jesus - every second, every breath.