where am I?

I am not sure where I am.

This morning I woke up anxious about details in life. Homeschooling is around the corner … begins again next week… and I feel unprepared in my spirit for it. Unprepared to love my kids well through it.

But that is only some of it… the anxiety comes and goes quite a lot lately. It has made it hard to make decisions and feel any kind of peace about how I spend my time, or even what I make for dinner, or any purchases I need to make for the house. Everything feels 'off'. I never seem to know what I should do next. And while I am doing something … it feels like I 'should' be doing something else.

Last week on Monday I spent the afternoon locked in my bedroom - on my closet floor crying. I wasn't even sure what I was crying about. But it took hours to work through while my kids fended for themselves on the other side of the door. I JUST KNEW I could NOT be seen. I cried out to God for rescue or for understanding … really anything!! Finally after time I started to paint … just to put my mind on something - put my hands in something. Whatever God was doing it hurt on the inside.

It feels like God is rearranging me on the inside. Opening up doors in me that haven't been opened in years. Things that I would like to keep buried … but I can't if I truly want to change. In my last post I spoke about the Screaming One living within me…. I know I can not leave her there undealt with, BUT man, I really don't want to deal with her!!! The rearranging at times feels good and other times feels like I am being poked and prodded by a surgeon with no anesthetic. The wounds need to get sewn up and healed though… so I have to stay open.

I am thankful that God is moving …

Here's what little I know so far… as I continually wait on the 'break through' revelation of God. That piece of information that when spoken by God will make all of 'this' make sense… will make all of this worth it … it brings healing and repentance and peace. Man, I am longing for that moment.

The Screaming One inside me is a guardian. She is protecting something very precious and terrified, wounded and vulnerable in me. What exactly it is -- I am not sure. That is the revelation I think I need. But I think it has something to do with crushed longings in me.

I started reading a book by Mike Bickle that he suggested in his teaching series on the Song Of Solomon, its called 'The Seven Longings of the Human Heart'. I am astonished as I am reading it how little we talk about our longings. We spend way more time focused on our sin and how we can eradicate it. The problem is that many times I think, we confuse our God given longings FOR sin, instead of recognizing them as an actual NEED that must be filled with God and Him alone. So we end up confessing this NEED as sin to God … rather than asking Him to fill us up with a greater desire, understanding and fullness of the longing He has created in us.

Anyway … as I am reading it … the first chapter was about understanding our 'longing to be enjoyed by God'. I read it and feel like 'yes' I indeed have things to learn in this area … but that my problem lies not in missing that, or misunderstanding that, but that something in ME … on this side of the equation is missing. I think that is what this last year has taught me … that even though I felt buried … I KNEW that God loved me. It was the first time in my history as a believer that I did not doubt that God loved me … in the midst of trial. I think that what I don't get has to do with misunderstanding something about myself - or how I am created - or who I am - or how I have deceived myself in someway…. rather than a wrongly held belief about God. I think it's something like … I am too ugly, too sinful, I want to be beautiful for myself and my own glory… I am unseen or don't want to be seen…

anyway … it's still unclear. But everything seems to be pointing in that direction. This need to be beautiful/not ugly/seen whatever it is … can be seen in the way that I have tried to cover it. My struggles with weight and eating, not wanting to be in front of people, wanting to hide. It seems like a deeply held shame of some kind. Even the memories God has brought to mind … the time I was lost, and more recently remembering not even answering to my own name in Jr. High, because a more beautiful/popular Amy existed in school and they were usually calling out for her. These are the things that God keeps showing me.

My head is spinning … but I am glad God finally brought that word SHAME out … that is the word… now I just need to know WHAT it is. That is what the Screaming One is trying to keep hidden. It must be so painful whatever it is...

she

Ahhh. I don't want to write. I don't want to do anything but ignore my kids, curl up, watch some TV, and eat junk food. That is my favorite place to hide.

But the cry even deeper in me is to press into the crap I feel and face it. I keep trying to face it, but I'm not getting very far. It's' frustrating because I really just want to be done and move on. It's not happening that fast… so running seems better.

I hate my inner conflict. I look at my life and I think 'I should be happy', 'I should be grateful', I should be filled with joy', I should be SOMETHING … instead of constantly miserable. TRULY, my circumstances are wonderful. Nothing is wrong. YET on the inside - I always feel out of step, I always FEEL wrong. There is always something RAGING on the inside. I rarely to never feel good, happy, joyful, content …. or however you would like to phrase that to make it sound theologically correct.

And that is where my particular form of false worship is born out of. My idolatry is all about making me happy…. even if it's just for the moment. I want to be happy so badly. I want the raging to stop and for peace to come. So I go to my hiding places; food = instant pleasure, TV = a regular distraction from the internal noise and EVEN the rush of anger releases the tension for a moment.

It's not even that I WANT to be happy … I NEED it. Because inside me lives this angry, raging, lunatic. She screams out from inside regularly wanting to be fed the food of my idolatry…. and just to make it stop for a moment … I feed her. I feed her whatever she wants - just to make it stop. Because I can't live like that, with someone screaming on the inside all the time - so angry, so filled with pain. This woman on the inside hates herself. And the food, the TV, and the rage … quiets her down for a little while.

I say 'she' because I know that 'she' is NOT me. I know that I am declared righteous, declared free, made one in Christ… that is what is true. BUT she is still here plaguing me … and I can NOT shake her. I have been asking for Jesus to deal with this for a VERY long time. I suppose there are layers and some have been removed … yet there is still more…. and she remains.

I know there is some way to live above all of this. But clearly, I am missing something there too, because I can not figure out the magic words to open that door either. Don't mistake me, I know this all comes from Jesus. He is sovereign and has a purpose and plan to allow all of this. He also has a way out - He just hasn't revealed it to me yet. Clearly, my job, my lot in life is to deal with this inner conflict.  Probably, just for the sheer fact that God wants me to help others deal with theirs.

Or maybe I am wrong … and 'she' really is me? Perhaps that is the misstep? She is a wounded inner part of myself that is yet unredeemed. ( nobody freak out … I know my whole self is redeemed ) But perhaps this part of me hasn't had her 'come to Jesus' moment yet. She is still stuck in the lie that joy in Jesus IS not just meant for others but to be hers as well. But why has she missed out? What is she missing or misunderstood? Cause, I just don't know.

I do know that she is guarding my most vulnerable places. The soft and tenderest parts of me. The ones that would get hurt the most if they were left to roam free. This is why it is soooo very hard to be encouraging, and humble, and kind. To answer in a quiet peaceful way. To please others first, to think of others before myself. To touch my kids with tenderness. To speak love over them. To feel joy and contentment. To just enjoy life.

I feel the Lord at work in deep places in me. I can feel Him burning in my chest right now. But what I desperately want to do is find a cookie, turn the TV on, and hide out. pray for me.

Song of Songs

Not much has happened since my last post…. with the Lord anyway. Lots has happened in life, like moving, settling into a new home and neighborhood, a visit from from my mom and step-father to help unpack, and pure crazy exhaustion. But with the Lord it is still quite quiet. There was one small thing though … I felt Him calling me to read the Song of Solomon again. I say again, because I had felt that earlier in the year … and read it through a bunch of times. I even got a book written by Hudson Taylor on it … but in all the silence nothing really clicked and I moved on.

I have to say all the silence is still very hard. Yesterday I was in a funk all day and I wasn't sure why but now as I wake up this morning I realize it's the silence. I keep waiting for the Lord to show up and surprise me, but to be honest my pursuit has slowed down so much. I am tired of trying, of waiting.

So I read through The Song again … a few things stood out a little. But I confess I just don't really 'get' the Song of Solomon. Intellectually I know it can be read to enhance marital love and enjoyment of sex … but I also know that it's meant to be read in a spiritual sense that escapes me totally. Every time I read an old mystic writer from the past they quote The Song. They talk of knowing God intimately through this book, understanding the depths of His love because of it. I JUST was not one of those who got it!!

But I have decided (just now, I think!) to camp here. A few years ago I camped out with the Lord in Psalm 23 for about a year - It was glorious. I read that psalm every day - many times a day, meditated on it, prayed through it, breathed it in and out to the Lord. He taught me a lot through that time. BUT at least I understood some of it - intellectually!! The Song is full of symbols I just don't get - and it will require some study. So I remembered hearing that Mike Bickle (International House of Prayer - Kansas City) has taught on this. I looked for his sermon series online and I have listened to the intro and first teaching. Already, I can feel the Lord nudging me… saying' Yes, A---- , this is it! Keep going!!'

I know the Lord is calling me to spend more time with Him … even though He is still quiet. As I was rereading Hudson Taylor's book - I realized I just need to get up in the morning and sit before the Lord - even if nothing happens. Read the Song and wait on Him. To me right now that sounds so painful. Submitting to more silence. BUT I need to stay open to whatever He asks… even this. Stay at the edge of the cliff and wait.

little lost girl

Last night as I was trying to fall asleep, I realized that the next day I would be heading back to church. I hadn't been there in 4 weeks because we were on vacation. I was confronted with the fact that I hadn't really spent that much time with the Lord while we were away. Our vacation was full, too full. And though I relished reconnecting with many friends and family, it wasn't a restful, quiet vacation. And even when I tried to read scripture, it fell flat, as per usual for me this past year. I tried to read an Andrew Murray book, but it was too hard to concentrate. Prayers were usually just one cry -' Jesus '- as I awoke in the morning. Spiritually I am drained and spent.

As I was trying to fall to sleep I became quite restless. Annoyed with myself that I hadn't tried harder to spend time with Jesus. But honestly, I don't think I had it in me. I think I just don't have any more 'try' in me. There is nothing left to try - I have tried it all.

Then The Lord brought to my mind a memory.

When I was maybe 2 or 3 years old, my mother and brothers and I were at the Mall. And I got lost. I don't remember all the details and my mother remembers the whole thing very differently than I do, but I remember enough.
I thought I was right with my mom, right next to her. Suddenly, I looked up after what seemed an eternity of waiting for her to finish whatever she was doing with a sales lady, and she was NOT there. It was somebody else…
I didn't know what to do or think because I thought she was right there the whole time. Suddenly the tears of realization started falling down in great big sobs. I was lost. Mommy was no where. I couldn't see her anywhere. And I could not make it better.
I sat down on the orange carpeting under a rack of clothes and just cried. It seemed to be forever.
Finally, I was rescued by a kind lady who helped me find a sales clerk, who called security. My Mom came back and I was FOUND. I belonged again.

When my mom relays this story she told me that I was gone for almost an hour - an eternity for a child and a frantic mom. I had wandered from one end of the mall to the other - I can only imagine I thought I was following my mom somewhere. For much of that time however, I didn't know I was lost, I thought I was with my Mom, until I wasn't... and began the heaving sobs.

As I lived this memory again I wondered why God brought it to mind. And then this verse from Luke 11: 5-13 came to mind too, and I felt compelled to read it.

And he (Jesus) said to them, “Which of you who has a friend will go to him at midnight and say to him, ‘Friend, lend me three loaves, for a friend of mine has arrived on a journey, and I have nothing to set before him’; and he will answer from within, ‘Do not bother me; the door is now shut, and my children are with me in bed. I cannot get up and give you anything’? I tell you, though he will not get up and give him anything because he is his friend, yet because of his impudence he will rise and give him whatever he needs.
And I tell you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. What father among you, if his son asks for a fish, will instead of a fish give him a serpent; or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”

It was the second part that was brought to my mind about asking, seeking, and knocking etc… But when I read it … what stood out was the impudence part - it stirred thoughts. Impudence means to be bold, brazen, arrogant, obtrusive. The friend asking for bread was getting in the way of sleep! He was disrupting the man's whole household! So because of his brazen interruption - the man was welled up with anger - a anger that got him out of bed to get the bread so the whole thing could be over and done with, and he could get back to sleeping!

So I asked God "Haven't I asked? Haven't I been seeking? Haven't I been knocking? I have been impudent, brazen, AND bold! I have been angry, sad, and every shade in between! So why haven't I received? Why haven't I found? Why hasn't the door been opened? You are a good Father … but I FEEL like I have gotten nothing … though I am really glad not to get a serpent and a scorpion! You do give GOOD gifts. Truly, I have nothing to complain about in life… everything IS good. BUT you have set me to seek for MORE. To find FULLNESS in you… "

I fell into a fitful sleep with those questions on my mind. I got up this morning reluctantly to head off to church. I didn't really want to engage anyone and have the same conversations over again. I hoped that the sermon or worship would speak to me in some way - I am not sure if they did directly - but being in the midst of the body - The Spirit did engage with me.

The memory of being lost from my Mother that day came back to my mind. Except this time I saw The Father in the scene. I was wandering in the halls of the Mall lost not knowing it at first, and The Father was following behind watching. Then I realized I was lost, and I didn't know where to turn, I was crying, frustrated, and there was no one to reach out to. I really, really wanted myself to turn around and see the Father, but I didn't or couldn't. As the onlooker I was angry at God. Why would He let me wander for so long lost, crying, and alone? Why wouldn't He wrap His arms around me and say 'here I am, I'm right here!' ? In the image I was a little child … why - truly WHY - would He leave me like that? When He was there the whole time? No parent I know would do that. Knowing full well,  that all I want is those arms around me, telling me I am with HIM.

I sat there thinking about this while I listened to the sermon. Our Pastor brought up Philippians 4 where Paul talks about being content in all circumstances. And I asked God … 'Am I supposed to be content in this? Am I supposed to learn how to live in this state of unrest? Really what is my problem anyway? Because there is NOTHING wrong in my circumstances, everything there is great… great husband, kids, new house, great family, heck I just had a 2 and 1/2 week long vacation!! BUT why then am I SOOOOO very discontent?

It's intimacy. There is no intimacy between me and the Father right now. I know He is here … but I don't feel Him here. I have no connection. I KNOW I am saved. I know I am a new creature in Christ. I can share the gospel with someone right now, and truly mean every word I say. I can even get excited about it for them, because I know there is no other way for them to feel true freedom, true joy in life. I know and truly believe ALL of that … but if I am not intimate with Him… THE JOY OF BEING WITH HIM IS NOT PRESENT… and the all - the good things, the right answers - all become stale. I am the little girl lost waiting to be found, waiting for the arms to be wrapped around me telling me I AM WITH HIM.

Our Pastor was up on stage talking about our freedom in Christ and that we need to lay down our freedoms for the Gospel and be the living sacrifices He is calling us to. YES - I agree. I want that. BUT I CAN NOT DO IT … not without INTIMACY. No one can. NO ONE CAN. It is the deep KNOWING that allows us to sacrifice… and that is an act of the Spirit.

Then the Lord took me on a survey of some verses… the Philippians 4 verse about contentment … can only come if we are truly intimate with Christ - truly ONE. The abiding of John 15 only happens when you are ONE, the sacrifice of Jesus only happens because of His ONENESS with the Father … John 13 says that because Jesus knew who He was, and where He was going … He arose and washed the disciples feet… and went to the cross. Philippians 3 - counting all things as loss - can only happen if we are truly intimate with Jesus - truly ONE. Each is empowered by the Spirit.

There is supposed to be feeling, right? I am supposed to KNOW when I am ONE with Him. Isn't that what Song of Solomon is for? To teach us about what oneness looks like! It is full of emotion and heat and love and passion and fire!!! So why don't I feel it? I have prayed for all of those things. I know what I have been declared … but that is NOT the same as KNOWING! Intimacy is being face to face, breath on breath, body on body. I know I don't have that… not right now… but I have had it before… and I don't want to settle for less. And I don't think it is unreasonable or unrealistic … this IS what He has promised. IT IS. That is what John 17 is all about. The High Priestly Prayer as some call it, is Jesus impassioned plea for us to be one with each other, and Him, and the Father.

John 17: 3, 20-21
 3 This is eternal life, that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent.
20 “I do not ask on behalf of these alone, but for those also who believe in Me through their word; 21 that they may all be one; even as You, Father, are in Me and I in You, that they also may be in Us, so that the world may believe that You sent Me.


It is knowing this kind of profound intimacy - this KNOWING - this oneness - that is eternal life … and we get to taste that now… and there is always more to taste… more to KNOW about Him - know with Him.

So can I be content with less of Him? No … THAT is what is crazy. I have had so many people look at me like I am crazy for wanting something more. Something more of Jesus - like I am expecting too much, or expecting Jesus to be or act a certain way… but that is NOT it. I KNOW there is more. I know what He has promised. Contentment will only be born out of this deep down in my guts, face to face intimacy with Jesus. And this year of waiting, this year of being buried, was all about capacity - growing space for MORE. The waiting was about growing the longing, the need, the desperation for Him.

As we got up to sing our final songs this morning all of this was ringing in my mind. I could sense the Spirit working in me, and in others around me. I said a short prayer for the the people of my church to know this oneness - this intimacy - because THAT is what will change the world. I couldn't even really sing I just got up and wrapped my arms around myself and moved with the music. And then ever so quietly I felt the Lord reach His arms around me and whisper "I've got you… I am here." It was so subtle I wasn't sure it happened... until the tears came down my face… and I just knew…

He IS with me.

pieces of a puzzle

I feel like my life is a bunch of puzzle pieces laid out in front of me. I don't understand how they could possibly all fit together because when I look at them - to me - they just do NOT make sense. I do not know what I am supposed to do with them, what my next step is, in fact, this whole year has felt like that ... just a lot of waiting. The Lord asking me to wait, and keep trusting, keep turning my eyes back onto Him.... no matter how confounded I am.

Here are the list of the pieces that I see...

- a dream from a friend who told me that I would come back and see her after I had been away, and I would be so excited - be glowing to show her a new way that the Lord had shown me to pray. In the dream I would then get on the floor and twist my legs up in a way impossibly beautiful and demonstrate.

- the Lord telling me that my restless leg syndrome and this dream are tied together.

- a dream that the Lord gave to me about rescuing captives, setting sex slave victims free.

- a long time of silence with the Lord, where He was quietly herding me into understanding that I was buried in the dirt with Him. Eventually, coming to understand that I am dead in Christ.

- That i only have ONE nature and not two. I am made new/alive/resurrected in CHRIST. I died with Him, but He is alive in me. It is no longer I who live - BUT he lives in me.

- That this skin - this body - is still filled with sin ... it is yet unredeemed, but my real self - my new spirit - is joined with the HOLY Spirit - is indeed united with Christ.

- That I still don't fully understand this union with Christ - but That I am waiting on His revelation to right what is still missing/misunderstood/still stuck in unbelief.

- In my body - my flesh I can not conjure up any of the fruit of the Spirit ... He must do all through our union

- That I am supposed to continue homeschooling ... so that I might be able to love on my kids the truths that the Lord is showing to me.

- That the lord has kept me quiet and isolated this past year for a reason.

- That the Lord has sent me tons of encouragement to keep pressing into Him even when it has been so hard and flat and quiet. That he loves me and continues to pursue me - work on me - even in the quiet.

- another dream from another friend - about the phonograph and phonogram. The graph plays the the things of the Spirit, while the gram records and is waiting for a new message of the Spirit. They are both sitting by the ocean ... which I have come to understand is His voice ... as described in the Bible - the sound of rushing waters.

- another vision from another friend about sitting at the feast of the Lamb - mouthless and confused - unable to eat the feast in front of me ... and the Lord shouting 'I want your appetite!'

- fasting thru Lent ... struggling against my idol of food/ pleasing myself rather than the Lord, hearing the Lord say 'I want you hungry' ... reading the Piper book and feeling like the Lord was leading me to fast and pray for causes.

- another vision from a friend about the feast of the Lamb ... this time eating and at peace - present with the Lord with a double edged sword on my right and a bowl of water on my left.... I was invited to the table like Mephibosheth ... his name means idol breaker ... she tied in my restless legs to this vision

- feeling led to pray before anytime I eat and ask whether I am to eat or to fast and pray ....( by the way I am struggling with this a lot!!!)


These are my pieces ... they feel big ... not even one feels minor to me. But I don't know what it all means. The Lord is still so quiet laying out all the pieces for me to see. When will He put them all together so I can see what it is all for?

I NEED revelation! Lord, I know I can not understand this without YOU! I am being impatient. I want to keep moving ahead to see the answer, but I know You will reveal it only in Your time. But my longing to live in Your fullness never goes away while I wait.... thus causing the IMPATIENCE! When I have tasted what is best - how can I ever go back to less and be satisfied? Yet I know you are in this ... and that You always lead us to a glorious destination ... where we see you more clearly. That is what I want. May Your name be glorified.

all good

Ok so the 15 days of throwing out my fleece to God are done. THE house - the ONE - the only one I felt God speaking to me about is indeed gone/sold... not for me.

I like the house we are buying ... and in many ways it is nicer and will be easier to deal with. The only thing I didn't like is that I could not HEAR God's voice saying it was the ONE. To someone else that may not matter ... they may look at a house and asses whether it met their needs and decided based on likes and dislikes or price or location. That is totally fine. Certainly, I looked at all those things as well, BUT what I wanted most was to KNOW that it was what God had for us.

So what happened?

I think I did. I say I think because I am not 100% sure, but am pretty darn sure. Here's what I mean.

When THE house - not the one we are currently looking at - came back on the market we had an opportunity to get it by VERY special means. I can not go into the specifics but it was going to be a very cool story. One that glorified God and we could share with others about His unique ways of providing. I was excited about that. So excited in fact, that when my husband asked me to keep my mouth shut about it .... I DIDN'T. I am terrible at keeping a 'happy' secret. I was bursting with excitement and shared it with family and some friends. While I was sharing with the ONE person my husband was very specific about ... I KNEW I should not.... But I went ahead anyway, ignoring that nudge. And there was more than one of those nudges that I ignored.

I believe it was this lack of obedience to God, this lack of submission to my husband, that God removed the blessing He had prepared for me. What did I want more than anything else as I looked at homes? I wanted His voice to be clear... and it was only clear in ONE house.

Do I think God is punishing me? No, He still is providing a home for us. And it is a very nice home. BUT it lacked His voice... the peace I sought more than anything else. The assurance that we were pursuing His desires for us. The Lord is disciplining me, showing me how important it is to listen in everything ... even if it is my husband asking me to keep a 'happy' secret for a time.

So what's up with the house we ARE buying? I asked God to stop it if it was not what He wanted ... and He has not done that. I prayed that I would receive peace if we were to continue ... and each day I get more. Do I feel like I missed out on that other house? ... Yes. Not because one is better than the other, or anything like that ... but because I missed out on the assurance of His voice and the crazy story of His glory that would have resulted. Now I have this story instead. Regardless, His plan is best ... and perhaps the plan all along was to learn this lesson... and so I am at peace with it. I truly believe He can and will use us wherever He has us, and so I am excited to see what unfolds.

ONE NATURE - not two

I am still reading The Rest of the Gospel by Dan Stone. It's good REALLY challenging. The most recent chapter I am reading is all about our identity. Do we view ourselves as sinners or saints? Am I new creature or do I still operate from the old?

Ahhhh. I KNOW the answer. I know who I am DECLARED in Christ. I KNOW I am made new. BUT - BUT .... I also know that I sin - A LOT. And that no matter what I do or try - I still sin. I know I am not living in the fullness of the gospel. That I am not walking IN the Spirit. So how do I reconcile the 2 things... well I always believed that I have 2 natures. The new one - placed in me by God, Jesus living in me, the Spirit sealing me - directing me to live out the fruit of the Spirit; AND the old me - sinful and dead - always wanting to sin - the walking dead craving to be heard, seen and felt... my sin nature.

BUT Dan Stone disagrees!! He says there is only ONE nature and that the old man is truly dead - killed off by Christ's death on the cross. OK... what? Can this really be true? But then all I have to do is think about the most basic verse from when I was first saved to know that it is... 2 Cor 5:17

This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!

and back to Romans 6: 5-11

Since we have been united with him in his death, we will also be raised to life as he was. We know that our old sinful selves were crucified with Christ so that sin might lose its power in our lives. We are no longer slaves to sin. For when we died with Christ we were set free from the power of sin. And since we died with Christ, we know we will also live with him. We are sure of this because Christ was raised from the dead, and he will never die again. Death no longer has any power over him. When he died, he died once to break the power of sin. But now that he lives, he lives for the glory of God. So you also should consider yourselves to be dead to the power of sin and alive to 

God through Christ Jesus.

Ok .... so what does this mean? Dan Stone says that we can only have ONE nature, ONE master, a creature/house can not be divided against itself. SO if the above verses are true - as I know them to be - then I now ONLY have ONE nature ... not two. I am a NEW creature ... the old is passed away - dead - I AM NEW. 

I struggled against this. Because I see so much sin still within me - if my old man has been killed off - why is there still sin? I always considered the new man to be what I was BECOMING. I was becoming more like Christ as I shed off more of my sin/flesh and revealed the new man inside - the REAL ME. BUT I had to shed off the sinful flesh to reveal what was true on the inside. I GET that I was made new, but I only thought it was a HEAVENLY declaration.... NOT - NOT that it is the ONLY true reality .... hear me - THE ONLY TRUE REALITY.

So where does the sin come from? Sin does still reside in the members of my body. This body is left in the old state. It's members are not yet redeemed ... God has not given me my heavenly body ... so hence this body still has sin in it. BUT IT IS NOT - NOT - MY NATURE! Listen to Romans 7: 21-23

So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. 

I always thought that my flesh - was equal to my sin nature. BUT it is NOT. Flesh is equal to my BODY where sin still dwells, because my BODY is still unredeemed. It is wrecked with sin just like the rest of creation groans and waits to be made new. BUT my spirit HAS already been made NEW - I have a NEW nature and it is clean and pure, and united and one with CHRIST.

WOW.

Ok Father, what do I need to start confessing first because all this unbelief has been rolling around for awhile! What do I still have wrong? because I want to replace all this junk with faith in the truth - the truth of what YOU have done! The truth of who You are - the truth of who I am!!! I need your revelation so that I don't just get the idea - but so I GET the idea - wholly!!! So my soul feels it - breathes it ... lives it.