There is so much that I could share about the last 4 to 5 months. I could just start letting it all stream out of me in a ridiculous array of crazy ... but I don't think that is how the Lord wants this story told. So it will come, as it comes. These last months have been overwhelming - so overwhelming. BUT Jesus has been in the middle of all of it - teaching me to abide - teaching me to be obedient - teaching me about His healing - teaching me to rest in Him and to go where He leads. It has been a time of putting feet to all that He has been teaching me for the last few years.
I am getting to the end of time at my current church. We are moving next week. It is hard to absorb.
Grieving and excitement are a hard combination. But none-the-less that is how I continually feel. Excited for the new adventure God is sending us on and so sad to leave what He has built through us. Excited to catch fresh vision, and sad to leave all that is being newly revealed here. Exited to see who God has for us to meet and minister to, but sad to leave dear friends who I love and still want to be in their daily lives. It's a ripping, a tearing apart. BUT it is also God's plan and His Kingdom.
I sense a newness ... around the corner not just of place and people, but in me. God getting ready to reveal new things - new ideas - new areas of my heart - that need to be given over. And that idea is really amazing. It is this that keeps me pressing ahead even when it is scary, even when ALL of the unknown seems too big. God's faithfulness never stops, His love never fails, His grace is always available.
Let me stay wide open, Lord, wide open to the work You want to do in me, my marriage - with my kids .... let me hold everything lightly - and please - Let me see YOU clear. And please let me feel the joy of your presence - your love overflowing once again.
Friday, June 21, 2013
Monday, January 28, 2013
waiting
Eve's curse and promise - a seed that will crush Satan ... Jesus came about 4,000 years later.
.... she had Able and then Seth in the mean time.
Noah waited 120 years before the flood.
Abraham's promise was land, seed, and a nation ... Isaac came 25 years later. The nation - 250 years, the land - around 400 years, and the faithful nation 4,000 years later.
Joseph had to wait 22 years before he saw his dreams brought to reality.
The Israelites were in Egypt for 400 years until the Lord sent Moses.
They wandered for 40 years.
Hannah had to wait many years for her prayers to have a child.
David had to wait more than 20 years until He was able to take his rightful place on the throne.
The Israelites were exiled to Babylon for 80 years before they returned to the land.
There was 400 years between Malachi and John the Baptist.
From Jesus until now more than 2,000 years.
Hebrews 11: 3-16, 32-40
3 All these people were still living by faith when they died.
They did not receive the things promised;
they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance,
admitting that they were foreigners and strangers on earth.
14 People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. 15 If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. 16 Instead, they were longing for a better country—a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.
32 And what more shall I say? I do not have time to tell about Gideon, Barak, Samson and Jephthah, about David and Samuel and the prophets, 33 who through faith conquered kingdoms, administered justice, and gained what was promised; who shut the mouths of lions, 34 quenched the fury of the flames, and escaped the edge of the sword; whose weakness was turned to strength; and who became powerful in battle and routed foreign armies. 35 Women received back their dead, raised to life again. There were others who were tortured, refusing to be released so that they might gain an even better resurrection. 36 Some faced jeers and flogging, and even chains and imprisonment. 37 They were put to death by stoning;[e] they were sawed in two; they were killed by the sword. They went about in sheepskins and goatskins, destitute, persecuted and mistreated— 38 the world was not worthy of them. They wandered in deserts and mountains, living in caves and in holes in the ground.
39 These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised, 40 since God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect.
I confess I suck at waiting. If I had lived in one of the long periods of 400 years of waiting - I think I would have given up on the Lord. I am waiting on promises from the Lord, but I am really realizing that I may never see them here in the land of the living. And if I do see them they may take a long time to get here. I confess I am extremely discouraged by this. I have been lashing out at God calling Him stingy and generally feeling faithless. I do not want to stay in this place but I am needing God to come and fill me with faith once again. I have just today begun to confess my unbelief as sin ... so we will see what the Lord does with me.
.... she had Able and then Seth in the mean time.
Noah waited 120 years before the flood.
Abraham's promise was land, seed, and a nation ... Isaac came 25 years later. The nation - 250 years, the land - around 400 years, and the faithful nation 4,000 years later.
Joseph had to wait 22 years before he saw his dreams brought to reality.
The Israelites were in Egypt for 400 years until the Lord sent Moses.
They wandered for 40 years.
Hannah had to wait many years for her prayers to have a child.
David had to wait more than 20 years until He was able to take his rightful place on the throne.
The Israelites were exiled to Babylon for 80 years before they returned to the land.
There was 400 years between Malachi and John the Baptist.
From Jesus until now more than 2,000 years.
Hebrews 11: 3-16, 32-40
3 All these people were still living by faith when they died.
They did not receive the things promised;
they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance,
admitting that they were foreigners and strangers on earth.
14 People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. 15 If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. 16 Instead, they were longing for a better country—a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.
32 And what more shall I say? I do not have time to tell about Gideon, Barak, Samson and Jephthah, about David and Samuel and the prophets, 33 who through faith conquered kingdoms, administered justice, and gained what was promised; who shut the mouths of lions, 34 quenched the fury of the flames, and escaped the edge of the sword; whose weakness was turned to strength; and who became powerful in battle and routed foreign armies. 35 Women received back their dead, raised to life again. There were others who were tortured, refusing to be released so that they might gain an even better resurrection. 36 Some faced jeers and flogging, and even chains and imprisonment. 37 They were put to death by stoning;[e] they were sawed in two; they were killed by the sword. They went about in sheepskins and goatskins, destitute, persecuted and mistreated— 38 the world was not worthy of them. They wandered in deserts and mountains, living in caves and in holes in the ground.
39 These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised, 40 since God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect.
I confess I suck at waiting. If I had lived in one of the long periods of 400 years of waiting - I think I would have given up on the Lord. I am waiting on promises from the Lord, but I am really realizing that I may never see them here in the land of the living. And if I do see them they may take a long time to get here. I confess I am extremely discouraged by this. I have been lashing out at God calling Him stingy and generally feeling faithless. I do not want to stay in this place but I am needing God to come and fill me with faith once again. I have just today begun to confess my unbelief as sin ... so we will see what the Lord does with me.
neck and feet
NECK
Acts 7:51
“You stiff-necked people! Your hearts and ears are still uncircumcised. You are just like your ancestors: You always resist the Holy Spirit!
2 Chronicles 36:13
He also rebelled against King Nebuchadnezzar, who had made him take an oath in God’s name. He became stiff-necked and hardened his heart and would not turn to the Lord, the God of Israel.
Nehemiah 9:17
They refused to listen and failed to remember the miracles you performed among them. They became stiff-necked and in their rebellion appointed a leader in order to return to their slavery. But you are a forgiving God, gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love. Therefore you did not desert them,
FEET
1 Samuel 2:9
He will guard the feet of his faithful servants, but the wicked will be silenced in the place of darkness.“It is not by strength that one prevails;
2 Samuel 22:34
He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he causes me to stand on the heights.
2 Samuel 22:37
You provide a broad path for my feet, so that my ankles do not give way.
2 Kings 21:8
I will not again make the feet of the Israelites wander from the land I gave their ancestors, if only they will be careful to do everything I commanded them and will keep the whole Law that my servant Moses gave them.”
Nehemiah 9:21
For forty years you sustained them in the wilderness; they lacked nothing, their clothes did not wear out nor did their feet become swollen.
Psalm 25:15
My eyes are ever on the Lord, for only he will release my feet from the snare.
Psalm 40:2
He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
Isaiah 52:7
How beautiful on the mountains are the feet of those who bring good news, who proclaim peace, who bring good tidings, who proclaim salvation, who say to Zion, “Your God reigns!”
Jeremiah 14:10
This is what the Lord says about this people:“They greatly love to wander; they do not restrain their feet. So the Lord does not accept them; he will now remember their wickedness and punish them for their sins.”
John 13:6
He came to Simon Peter, who said to him, “Lord, are you going to wash my feet?”
“Then, Lord,” Simon Peter replied, “not just my feet but my hands and my head as well!”
Acts 7:51
“You stiff-necked people! Your hearts and ears are still uncircumcised. You are just like your ancestors: You always resist the Holy Spirit!
2 Chronicles 36:13
He also rebelled against King Nebuchadnezzar, who had made him take an oath in God’s name. He became stiff-necked and hardened his heart and would not turn to the Lord, the God of Israel.
Nehemiah 9:17
They refused to listen and failed to remember the miracles you performed among them. They became stiff-necked and in their rebellion appointed a leader in order to return to their slavery. But you are a forgiving God, gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love. Therefore you did not desert them,
FEET
1 Samuel 2:9
He will guard the feet of his faithful servants, but the wicked will be silenced in the place of darkness.“It is not by strength that one prevails;
2 Samuel 22:34
He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he causes me to stand on the heights.
2 Samuel 22:37
You provide a broad path for my feet, so that my ankles do not give way.
2 Kings 21:8
I will not again make the feet of the Israelites wander from the land I gave their ancestors, if only they will be careful to do everything I commanded them and will keep the whole Law that my servant Moses gave them.”
Nehemiah 9:21
For forty years you sustained them in the wilderness; they lacked nothing, their clothes did not wear out nor did their feet become swollen.
Psalm 25:15
My eyes are ever on the Lord, for only he will release my feet from the snare.
Psalm 40:2
He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
Isaiah 52:7
How beautiful on the mountains are the feet of those who bring good news, who proclaim peace, who bring good tidings, who proclaim salvation, who say to Zion, “Your God reigns!”
Jeremiah 14:10
This is what the Lord says about this people:“They greatly love to wander; they do not restrain their feet. So the Lord does not accept them; he will now remember their wickedness and punish them for their sins.”
John 13:6
He came to Simon Peter, who said to him, “Lord, are you going to wash my feet?”
“No,” said Peter, “you shall never wash my feet.” Jesus answered, “Unless I wash you, you have no part with me.”
Hebrews 12:13
“Make level paths for your feet,” so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.
“Make level paths for your feet,” so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
jacob
A friend emailed me to pray. Her husband is in pain. I hardly knew what to say. I am in pain too - and I am wondering why we have to be in so much pain. What is it for?
I was reading an article online on N.P.R. It is about all the young people today - those under 30 claiming 'none' for their religious affiliation on forms etc. I guess the number has risen drastically. Honestly, it doesn't surprise me - it makes me sad - just not surprised. People move away from the Lord because He is hard to know and understand when all they see is pain and suffering in life - and are told that all the things that make us feel better are really just wrong or bad - and not what God wants for us. I really get that. Because I do the same. exact. thing.
When God is hard to know, hear, or reach - I run to all my idols too. I want to throw away everything and just eat and sit in front of the TV all day and pretend that nothing really matters but how I feel right now. Life is hard ... even though on the outside my life looks good - maybe even easy to some - yet I rarely feel good, encouraged, happy, or full. And I really hate that about me.
I am sick of my own spiritual form of whining. It's funny that I feel like I whine here in print way more that I whine in person - I almost never whine - I hate it. I am tired of my wavering faith set in my circumstances rather than in the character of God. If He never changes - then I really should have more faith to rest in the truth of His love. Instead I feel pain, I see pain, I wake up tired, I stub my toe, and I am back at the beginning wondering where God is again - again!
I want this elusive rest ... I can't strive to get it though. Hebrews talks of unbelief keeping us from our rest. Well than I am swimming in unbelief regularly.
I realized this morning as I praying that I am a lot like Jacob. I wrestle. I wrestle with God trying to get Him to bless me. Just bless me! Take away my pain! Make me feel better! Take away the fog in my brain! Free me from my addiction! Make life easy! Be present! Be obvious! Be clear!
Jacob at least got to touch God and see His face in the early morning light. But did God bless him? It seems to me God had already blessed him. He had a bunch of wives, tons of kids, a zillion animals - he was rich ... God had blessed him even though he was a big pain in the butt. But obviously Jacob wanted more. Just like I always want more! He wanted peace - He wanted rest... and He didn't feel like he had those things. Laban was just chasing him on one side - and he settles that only to see Esau coming at him and wondering if he was going to kill his entire family. It is pain on all sides ... no rest in sight - at least that is what Jacob sees.
Jacob can not know that as Esau is coming with his army - he is coming to greet him and welcome him home. Jacob is too busy clinging to his fear - not to the Lord. He is focused on his sins of the past and not all the blessings that God has already provided. The lack of thankfulness has clouded Jacob. His mind is darkened and confused. Fear is reigning in him. He sees only bad when God has brought everything together to bring peace. Jacob doesn't see the big picture - he is trapped in the moment.
That is me - trapped in the moment. Trapped in the moment wanting what I want now. Not clinging to God's bigger picture. I have no sense of the big story when I am focused on the food in front of me - or the pain that is troubling me. All I see is now. When will I stop wrestling and finally see what God is already doing all around me - when will that be a consistent part of me - that steadfast faith in God's character and love? I need a bigger vision - a vision of Jesus - High and Lifted Up - WAY bigger than me - that has to be my fixed point - it has to be what I reference all of life from. Me and my wants are still so central.
Use my pain, Lord - use everything to teach me how to see You. May I rest in You and nothing else.
I was reading an article online on N.P.R. It is about all the young people today - those under 30 claiming 'none' for their religious affiliation on forms etc. I guess the number has risen drastically. Honestly, it doesn't surprise me - it makes me sad - just not surprised. People move away from the Lord because He is hard to know and understand when all they see is pain and suffering in life - and are told that all the things that make us feel better are really just wrong or bad - and not what God wants for us. I really get that. Because I do the same. exact. thing.
When God is hard to know, hear, or reach - I run to all my idols too. I want to throw away everything and just eat and sit in front of the TV all day and pretend that nothing really matters but how I feel right now. Life is hard ... even though on the outside my life looks good - maybe even easy to some - yet I rarely feel good, encouraged, happy, or full. And I really hate that about me.
I am sick of my own spiritual form of whining. It's funny that I feel like I whine here in print way more that I whine in person - I almost never whine - I hate it. I am tired of my wavering faith set in my circumstances rather than in the character of God. If He never changes - then I really should have more faith to rest in the truth of His love. Instead I feel pain, I see pain, I wake up tired, I stub my toe, and I am back at the beginning wondering where God is again - again!
I want this elusive rest ... I can't strive to get it though. Hebrews talks of unbelief keeping us from our rest. Well than I am swimming in unbelief regularly.
I realized this morning as I praying that I am a lot like Jacob. I wrestle. I wrestle with God trying to get Him to bless me. Just bless me! Take away my pain! Make me feel better! Take away the fog in my brain! Free me from my addiction! Make life easy! Be present! Be obvious! Be clear!
Jacob at least got to touch God and see His face in the early morning light. But did God bless him? It seems to me God had already blessed him. He had a bunch of wives, tons of kids, a zillion animals - he was rich ... God had blessed him even though he was a big pain in the butt. But obviously Jacob wanted more. Just like I always want more! He wanted peace - He wanted rest... and He didn't feel like he had those things. Laban was just chasing him on one side - and he settles that only to see Esau coming at him and wondering if he was going to kill his entire family. It is pain on all sides ... no rest in sight - at least that is what Jacob sees.
Jacob can not know that as Esau is coming with his army - he is coming to greet him and welcome him home. Jacob is too busy clinging to his fear - not to the Lord. He is focused on his sins of the past and not all the blessings that God has already provided. The lack of thankfulness has clouded Jacob. His mind is darkened and confused. Fear is reigning in him. He sees only bad when God has brought everything together to bring peace. Jacob doesn't see the big picture - he is trapped in the moment.
That is me - trapped in the moment. Trapped in the moment wanting what I want now. Not clinging to God's bigger picture. I have no sense of the big story when I am focused on the food in front of me - or the pain that is troubling me. All I see is now. When will I stop wrestling and finally see what God is already doing all around me - when will that be a consistent part of me - that steadfast faith in God's character and love? I need a bigger vision - a vision of Jesus - High and Lifted Up - WAY bigger than me - that has to be my fixed point - it has to be what I reference all of life from. Me and my wants are still so central.
Use my pain, Lord - use everything to teach me how to see You. May I rest in You and nothing else.
Friday, January 11, 2013
new year
It seems like it is expected to do a 'reflecting on 2012 and expecting in 2013' post. And though I don't typically like to follow rules - that one seems good and right.
I have a lot to be thankful for in the last year - God has done a lot and used me a lot and it was wonderful to be a part of. I saw so much transformation - so many hearts moving closer to Jesus. I heard very words of my prayers for my church and others - words that God had given me to pray - answered in words, sermons, or conversations from others. It was awesome to watch - awesome to hear!
But it seems after the prayer retreat last month that what was my current mission at the time has now come to an end. In fact it seemed like such an abrupt ending that now I feel like I am floundering. In one recent post I reflected on Psalm 81 ... and the Lord told me He would be letting me rest and removing the sword from my hand. It sounds a bit crazy but I have had pain in my shoulder for years now - a knot that would not be unknotted. At times moving my neck at all brought pain ... and now... it feels so much better - like an actual weight has been taken out of my hand. So the burden to pray for my church in the way that I have been, seems to be lifted. God has given me rest from it and is shifting the burden to others now. This is good - not because I don't want to be used but because He needs more people to keep the work moving forward and is expanding His vision to them! I could see for a while now - since the summer - that my vision for this period of time was to end in January ... it was like my spiritual minds eye - just could not see past January... and now I understand more of why that is. He has moved that burden off of me and on to others - to continue on the work.
Honestly, now I do not know what to do with my self. He has removed that vision - and not replaced it yet. And perhaps He won't for a while. But I am still stuck wondering how to spend my time and my prayers. It is hard to explain but as soon as the burden was removed to pray - so was the need inside me. Before, it was imperative - I could not help but pray - it ached to come out. Now I feel almost blank. There is no burn to get things said in prayer ... except for my self.
On the prayer retreat I felt a call to study Hebrews. I have read it a few times over since then and I do hear a call out to me in many verses and in general to understand Jesus as our High Priest. I do not know at all why or what God wants to do in me yet - all I know is that I am meant to dig in. And yet nothing feels like more of a struggle than doing just that.
Last night I just cried out to God. I woke up in pain - restless leg syndrome and my feet hurt - plantar fasciitis. I did not know feet could hurt that much but mine do. And I yelled out to God wondering why I have to be in some sort of regular pain - I am not that old for goodness sake! Is there a reason for it? Does this pain have a mission tied to it like my shoulder? Or is this an attack of satan, or is this some sort of discipline from the Lord that I need to look into. Or is it just pain. I do not know but I asked God to heal me. I have been trying to get my act together again regarding food and exercise - I have been trying to walk on the treadmill and reduce my calories. But I have not spent much time in prayer over it - like I know I am supposed to. And honestly, I generally feel like crap - foggy head, weak tired body, feeling fat and slow, a head cold and then of course the pain - so prayer has not been easy to do - nothing has been easy to do. Nothing about the last few weeks has been easy or particularly productive.
I did not mean for this to turn into a time of complaint ... and when I cried to the Lord last night I did not mean for that to be a complaint either but as I let the tears come - that is what came out with them! I am still longing to see God do miraculous work in my life - in anyone's life! I want to see a miracle! I feel like the mission that He took me off of - though done for me - is not a done work! I never got to see full restoration - I never got to see full revival ... and those are things I feel like the Lord laid on my heart to pray for. And not only did I want then for my church - but for me! I wanted to be healed of my food addiction - yet it is still here with me - and not from lack of prayer and effort in the last year! I wanted to see the Holy Spirit come in ridiculous jaw dropping power and yet - He did not. I saw much that was good - even great but not ALL that God laid on my heart to pray. I want full freedom! And this all seems more like a half way mark.
So what am I to think? What am I to do? What am I to pray? ... the only answer I have so far is - dig into Hebrews. And so with determination I will.
I have a lot to be thankful for in the last year - God has done a lot and used me a lot and it was wonderful to be a part of. I saw so much transformation - so many hearts moving closer to Jesus. I heard very words of my prayers for my church and others - words that God had given me to pray - answered in words, sermons, or conversations from others. It was awesome to watch - awesome to hear!
But it seems after the prayer retreat last month that what was my current mission at the time has now come to an end. In fact it seemed like such an abrupt ending that now I feel like I am floundering. In one recent post I reflected on Psalm 81 ... and the Lord told me He would be letting me rest and removing the sword from my hand. It sounds a bit crazy but I have had pain in my shoulder for years now - a knot that would not be unknotted. At times moving my neck at all brought pain ... and now... it feels so much better - like an actual weight has been taken out of my hand. So the burden to pray for my church in the way that I have been, seems to be lifted. God has given me rest from it and is shifting the burden to others now. This is good - not because I don't want to be used but because He needs more people to keep the work moving forward and is expanding His vision to them! I could see for a while now - since the summer - that my vision for this period of time was to end in January ... it was like my spiritual minds eye - just could not see past January... and now I understand more of why that is. He has moved that burden off of me and on to others - to continue on the work.
Honestly, now I do not know what to do with my self. He has removed that vision - and not replaced it yet. And perhaps He won't for a while. But I am still stuck wondering how to spend my time and my prayers. It is hard to explain but as soon as the burden was removed to pray - so was the need inside me. Before, it was imperative - I could not help but pray - it ached to come out. Now I feel almost blank. There is no burn to get things said in prayer ... except for my self.
On the prayer retreat I felt a call to study Hebrews. I have read it a few times over since then and I do hear a call out to me in many verses and in general to understand Jesus as our High Priest. I do not know at all why or what God wants to do in me yet - all I know is that I am meant to dig in. And yet nothing feels like more of a struggle than doing just that.
Last night I just cried out to God. I woke up in pain - restless leg syndrome and my feet hurt - plantar fasciitis. I did not know feet could hurt that much but mine do. And I yelled out to God wondering why I have to be in some sort of regular pain - I am not that old for goodness sake! Is there a reason for it? Does this pain have a mission tied to it like my shoulder? Or is this an attack of satan, or is this some sort of discipline from the Lord that I need to look into. Or is it just pain. I do not know but I asked God to heal me. I have been trying to get my act together again regarding food and exercise - I have been trying to walk on the treadmill and reduce my calories. But I have not spent much time in prayer over it - like I know I am supposed to. And honestly, I generally feel like crap - foggy head, weak tired body, feeling fat and slow, a head cold and then of course the pain - so prayer has not been easy to do - nothing has been easy to do. Nothing about the last few weeks has been easy or particularly productive.
I did not mean for this to turn into a time of complaint ... and when I cried to the Lord last night I did not mean for that to be a complaint either but as I let the tears come - that is what came out with them! I am still longing to see God do miraculous work in my life - in anyone's life! I want to see a miracle! I feel like the mission that He took me off of - though done for me - is not a done work! I never got to see full restoration - I never got to see full revival ... and those are things I feel like the Lord laid on my heart to pray for. And not only did I want then for my church - but for me! I wanted to be healed of my food addiction - yet it is still here with me - and not from lack of prayer and effort in the last year! I wanted to see the Holy Spirit come in ridiculous jaw dropping power and yet - He did not. I saw much that was good - even great but not ALL that God laid on my heart to pray. I want full freedom! And this all seems more like a half way mark.
So what am I to think? What am I to do? What am I to pray? ... the only answer I have so far is - dig into Hebrews. And so with determination I will.
Friday, December 7, 2012
hunger
Food.
Everyday it comes down to food for me. Did I do well today? What did I eat that I shouldn't have? What can I eat? Should I eat? What should I eat, Lord?
I am so damn sick of the whole thing. Sick of this sin - sick of me in this sin.
This past fall I had really hoped to learn from the Lord what I need to be free. And that was after the Spring and Lent when I thought the Lord would free me. Then after Spring I had summer - the summer of indulging in whatever I wanted - revealing that I have made little to no progress in this sin struggle.
The Spring was fasting and Lent ... praying through my need and learning to trust the Lord. Then for some reason taking the summer off seemed okay at the time. It wasn't.
The Fall was praying through spiritual warfare prayer and learning about strongholds and generational sin etc... helpful in understanding, but I am still wondering what the practical day to day looks like.
This morning I felt so frustrated. There is a really big part of me that wants to throw in the towel along with all my smaller clothes and give in to the new old me. I am sick of thinking about it - fighting it everyday. I want to eat. I love food. I am hungry all the time. I don't want restrictions - I want to eat whatever and have it not matter! Just to be. Just to enjoy. Just to relax.
But I want my cake and to eat it too.
Because the other part of me wants to be godly. I really want this sin killed in me. I want to be healthy and serve the Lord and be the right weight for me. I want everything in me to sing praises to Jesus and to be free in Him. Be full on Him. To relax in Him. To enjoy Him.
And this sin feels so in the way.
Here are my 2 natures at war. The flesh wants what it wants without God interfering. And the Spirit wants to be free to serve the Lord in everything.
I feel the Lord calling me to fast ... but it is Christmas time - and it seems so ill-timed. I feel the Lord calling me to accountability to my husband ... but that whole idea sounds really awful. Not because my husband is awful but because it seems better to me to keep it all to myself - accountable only to me. Then I can hide out when I need to. And even if I said I am accountable to the Lord ... I have seen how that all plays out - badly. I feel the Lord calling me to pray more about this - to pray before I eat every time and to be thankful for tiny amounts of tasteless food, and to be thankful just to hunger after Him. But each morning as I recommit to this whole thing again, by the time I make it down to the kitchen I have forgotten again.
Lord where is the keeping power of the Spirit? I need lots of that today and everyday. This war is too much for me. I am tired and my flesh really wants to plunck in front of the TV and just blow off the day and eat whatever delight I dream up.
BUT I know that can not be YOUR desire ...
Please fill me with YOUR unmistakable desires. Change my taste, my eyes, my stomach, my mind - to conform to your will and Your tastes. I want to hunger for You and be filled with Your Spirit to overflowing. This feels so weak in me today, Lord ... but make it what really matters, please I pray.
Everyday it comes down to food for me. Did I do well today? What did I eat that I shouldn't have? What can I eat? Should I eat? What should I eat, Lord?
I am so damn sick of the whole thing. Sick of this sin - sick of me in this sin.
This past fall I had really hoped to learn from the Lord what I need to be free. And that was after the Spring and Lent when I thought the Lord would free me. Then after Spring I had summer - the summer of indulging in whatever I wanted - revealing that I have made little to no progress in this sin struggle.
The Spring was fasting and Lent ... praying through my need and learning to trust the Lord. Then for some reason taking the summer off seemed okay at the time. It wasn't.
The Fall was praying through spiritual warfare prayer and learning about strongholds and generational sin etc... helpful in understanding, but I am still wondering what the practical day to day looks like.
This morning I felt so frustrated. There is a really big part of me that wants to throw in the towel along with all my smaller clothes and give in to the new old me. I am sick of thinking about it - fighting it everyday. I want to eat. I love food. I am hungry all the time. I don't want restrictions - I want to eat whatever and have it not matter! Just to be. Just to enjoy. Just to relax.
But I want my cake and to eat it too.
Because the other part of me wants to be godly. I really want this sin killed in me. I want to be healthy and serve the Lord and be the right weight for me. I want everything in me to sing praises to Jesus and to be free in Him. Be full on Him. To relax in Him. To enjoy Him.
And this sin feels so in the way.
Here are my 2 natures at war. The flesh wants what it wants without God interfering. And the Spirit wants to be free to serve the Lord in everything.
I feel the Lord calling me to fast ... but it is Christmas time - and it seems so ill-timed. I feel the Lord calling me to accountability to my husband ... but that whole idea sounds really awful. Not because my husband is awful but because it seems better to me to keep it all to myself - accountable only to me. Then I can hide out when I need to. And even if I said I am accountable to the Lord ... I have seen how that all plays out - badly. I feel the Lord calling me to pray more about this - to pray before I eat every time and to be thankful for tiny amounts of tasteless food, and to be thankful just to hunger after Him. But each morning as I recommit to this whole thing again, by the time I make it down to the kitchen I have forgotten again.
Lord where is the keeping power of the Spirit? I need lots of that today and everyday. This war is too much for me. I am tired and my flesh really wants to plunck in front of the TV and just blow off the day and eat whatever delight I dream up.
BUT I know that can not be YOUR desire ...
Please fill me with YOUR unmistakable desires. Change my taste, my eyes, my stomach, my mind - to conform to your will and Your tastes. I want to hunger for You and be filled with Your Spirit to overflowing. This feels so weak in me today, Lord ... but make it what really matters, please I pray.
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Philippians 4
This 2 hour block we did as a group. I started us out with a devotional on thankfulness and then I read through Phil 4. For about an hour we each prayed and wrote what the Lord was saying to each of us. The time flew by as it did in each 2 hour block of time we had.
What struck me in the devotional is that thankfulness is beneficial training. And that if I walk on the road of thankfulness, I will find all the delights God has for me. Then it talked about how we can be so distracted by the world that we become darkened. That immediately made me think of Romans 1 ... they would not honor or even give Him thanks ... and they thought up foolish ideas about who God is ... and as a result their minds became dark and confused ... and then they chose to worship creatures rather than the Creator.
So if I forget to be thankful ... I am not honoring God, I begin to believe lies about who God is, I become dark, confused - and focused on me... and to top it all off I worship idols instead of the ONE true God. All from forgetting to be thankful... wow that is a testimony of evil - how it sneaks into the smallest of cracks - the chinks in our armor.
The devotional went on to say that if thankfulness is the rule in my heart ... the scales begin to fall off my eyes - and I can see even more of His glorious riches. And that a life of praise becomes a life filled with miracles taken from the treasure house of God. Wow - I really want that!
So here is what the Lord gave me from Phil 4...
Paul is longing to see friends reconcile. He wants them to be full of joy and to rejoice. I always thought that verse had very little to do with the above verse about the 2 women - but I think it all comes together when he says we need to be considerate because the Lord is coming soon. What does rejoicing have to do with being considerate? Paul wants these women to be considerate and to reconcile soon - because we never know when the Lord will return.
Tell God what you need and thank Him for all He has done.... and these thoughts came ...
- give yourself over to thanks and praise (the O)
- a focus on thanks leads to humility
- thanks takes our eyes off of self and puts it back onto Him
- a memory of growing up - feeling like I could never express my true feelings of beauty, joy, thanks, or beaming excited love ( During prayer - I confessed this sin that I took out of my childhood and asked the Lord to heal me ... it felt so deep - so old and untouched. And asked the Lord to fill me with wonder again and give me a vision of Him High and lifted up and to filled up with thankfulness)
- my flesh feels like it deserves and is entitled
- thanks leads to His glorious storehouse of riches vs 19
Thanks and prayer bring God's peace and peace guards when I am IN Jesus. Focusing on the 'right' things and practice of the 'right' things ... and the God of peace is WITH you. He is with me ... because Jesus is in me ... I will know He is with me because I am doing these things - it is the fruit of the Spirit.
The secret to contentment - Jesus! He gives the strength ... another reason to keep my eyes fixed on Him. God supplies all my needs from His glorious riches. Ephesians 1 - He is head over everything - and the church is His body - made full and complete by Christ ... who fills us with HIMSELF. Eph 3 - infinitely more than we can ask or think! Fullness of life and power!
Why do I ever look anywhere else to be filled? Why do I ever take our eyes off of Him? Lord forgive my smallness - my complete lack of sense - my complete and total self is always focused on me and my desires... teach me to take my eyes off of myself and place them totally on YOU!
What struck me in the devotional is that thankfulness is beneficial training. And that if I walk on the road of thankfulness, I will find all the delights God has for me. Then it talked about how we can be so distracted by the world that we become darkened. That immediately made me think of Romans 1 ... they would not honor or even give Him thanks ... and they thought up foolish ideas about who God is ... and as a result their minds became dark and confused ... and then they chose to worship creatures rather than the Creator.
So if I forget to be thankful ... I am not honoring God, I begin to believe lies about who God is, I become dark, confused - and focused on me... and to top it all off I worship idols instead of the ONE true God. All from forgetting to be thankful... wow that is a testimony of evil - how it sneaks into the smallest of cracks - the chinks in our armor.
The devotional went on to say that if thankfulness is the rule in my heart ... the scales begin to fall off my eyes - and I can see even more of His glorious riches. And that a life of praise becomes a life filled with miracles taken from the treasure house of God. Wow - I really want that!
So here is what the Lord gave me from Phil 4...
Paul is longing to see friends reconcile. He wants them to be full of joy and to rejoice. I always thought that verse had very little to do with the above verse about the 2 women - but I think it all comes together when he says we need to be considerate because the Lord is coming soon. What does rejoicing have to do with being considerate? Paul wants these women to be considerate and to reconcile soon - because we never know when the Lord will return.
Tell God what you need and thank Him for all He has done.... and these thoughts came ...
- give yourself over to thanks and praise (the O)
- a focus on thanks leads to humility
- thanks takes our eyes off of self and puts it back onto Him
- a memory of growing up - feeling like I could never express my true feelings of beauty, joy, thanks, or beaming excited love ( During prayer - I confessed this sin that I took out of my childhood and asked the Lord to heal me ... it felt so deep - so old and untouched. And asked the Lord to fill me with wonder again and give me a vision of Him High and lifted up and to filled up with thankfulness)
- my flesh feels like it deserves and is entitled
- thanks leads to His glorious storehouse of riches vs 19
Thanks and prayer bring God's peace and peace guards when I am IN Jesus. Focusing on the 'right' things and practice of the 'right' things ... and the God of peace is WITH you. He is with me ... because Jesus is in me ... I will know He is with me because I am doing these things - it is the fruit of the Spirit.
The secret to contentment - Jesus! He gives the strength ... another reason to keep my eyes fixed on Him. God supplies all my needs from His glorious riches. Ephesians 1 - He is head over everything - and the church is His body - made full and complete by Christ ... who fills us with HIMSELF. Eph 3 - infinitely more than we can ask or think! Fullness of life and power!
Why do I ever look anywhere else to be filled? Why do I ever take our eyes off of Him? Lord forgive my smallness - my complete lack of sense - my complete and total self is always focused on me and my desires... teach me to take my eyes off of myself and place them totally on YOU!
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