my ebenezer fan

A lot has happened since I last wrote anything down. My family and I had 3 weeks of vacation ... and it was not the most relaxing of vacations. It was a tour up the east coast to Maine and back visiting different family members along the way. Without going into details ... there were just a bunch of different family issues at each stop that came into play that just made the whole vacation less about peace and quiet and more about serving. That is not a bad thing - it was just different than expected - and if I am being honest not really what I wanted.

Putting that all aside ... as soon as we arrived home I had my second retreat to Colorado for the Soul Care Institute. It was a beautiful setting - gorgeous grounds on a convent in Colorado Springs. Beautiful stone buildings, nestled in the foot hills of the mountains, in lush real grass, with deer that ate from your hand, and perfect sunny cool days.

The first full day of the retreat they always give us a 5-6 hour window for silence and solitude. This is my least favorite part because I always get silence from God, so who needs 6 hours set apart for it? I decided to schedule my spiritual direction hour to fall during this time to suck up at least one of those blasted hours. I met with a women I haven't really talked with a whole lot ... that was the first problem but I tried to remain open anyway. Since she didn't know my story I tried to share it very briefly with her so that I could get to the current problem. When I shared though I was very scattered and chaotic ... and she latched onto the part about me not being healed from shame yet. She thought it might be a good idea to do some healing prayer in that direction and I consented - truly not sure what God wanted for the time. So we dove into healing prayer ... that means I had to track down my first memory where shame came onto the scene. I came to the time when my mom came and told me that she, and my brother and I were all moving out because my parents were separating. Then you're supposed to go back into that memory and invite Jesus to come and speak to you in some way about that event. Before we prayed though, I asked 'what if He doesn't show up?' She assured me He would ... but after about 5 minutes of imagining the scene and asking Him to show - He most decidedly did NOT show up. So deflated she and I went our separate ways for the rest of the afternoon. I wandered around trying to nap unsuccessfully and ended up staring at the trees and the sky and the planes dragging gliders into the sky for the airfare academy students. It was a LONG afternoon. Then finally a couple in my cohort came along having broken their silence and I was massively relieved to have 2 someones to talk with!

The next day S and G from the Potter's Inn were down to join us for the day and they decided to offer some hours of spiritual direction. I immediately signed up for one with G. So when we sat down that afternoon I was able to dive right in because G already knows my story. I told her about my white room. The white room has no windows and no doors, no 2 way mirror, and I am most decidedly not in a straight jacket!, its bright and and clean so that feels hopeful but I am sitting in the middle and I am bored and have no idea what this feeling is for - or what the heck I am supposed to do in there. So once again I find myself frustrated (mildly) but resigned to wait. I reiterated to G again just how much I want to be with the Lord - how much I long for Him ... and then she said something very interesting! She said ... 'A----,  I have often heard you say that, and I do not doubt your heart on that, but I am wondering what would happen if we set your longing aside for a while?' ... What? ... hmmm... She went on to explain ... 'What if you explored all the other pieces of who you are for a while?' ... She prefaced all of this by saying that all the parts of me - are all me - and are all one - and are ALL spiritual. No part of me whether it is my body or my mind, or my mothering or being a wife or pastor's wife, or my creativeness, or any other facet of my life ... is separate from any other part - and each part of who I am is part of me and is SACRED. So she suggested that if I set aside my focus from the spiritual - stopped looking at my longing for God constantly - perhaps God would reveal something new about who I am and what He wants for me.

Ok - like WOW - what a CRAZY thought. I sat there pondering that and G asked me what I was thinking about it all. And I said the whole idea reminded me of something the Lord directed me to way back in December. That whole idea of a new bucket. The essence of that whole thing started because S had said to me I didn't know myself at all ... which made me angry. I tossed and turned all night thinking about my intimacy with the Lord because of it. Anyway I came out on the other side of that realizing that I up until then the only thing that I offered to the Lord constantly - was my dark and ugly sinful self. And what He wanted from me was for me to discover my 'glory', my 'belatedness', my created beauty... so that I could offer more than just my ugly half to Him. Because how can you be intimate with God ... when you only offer Him half of who you are. And I realized in that night that if God created us to be intimate with Him ... then this dark night of the soul was to bring me from less intimacy to more intimacy with Him. Yet here I was only giving Him half of myself. So this whole new bucket thing ... was about filling a new 'beautiful' bucket ... the problem was The Lord never showed me what to do with it ... until now!

So I shared all of this with G... and then she and I were on a roll together. She said what if you explored how as a mother you worship God? Or with your body? Or as an artist? Or as a wife? Then I came up with an illustration ... I had a picture of a southern fan in my mind (you know the kind that flip out to one side so women can shyly hide behind them as they keep their faces cooled), but my fan was all closed up and all I could see was one piece of the fan, because that was all I could imagine. All I could see was the outside - or the spiritual side of things. But G was saying what if you clicked it open and explore the different facets inside? One part for each part of me ... she said 'A----, what if you spent some time honoring each part of who God has made you to be - because He wants YOU - ALL of YOU. And if you think about one of those fans ... there is usually a beautiful picture all printed on the fan. This had my brain all stirred up.

So G prayed over me as we closed ... but I could barely hear what she had to say because now suddenly I was picturing myself back in that white room... and it was if God was pointing out that I was in fact the only thing in that room. And that the reason He had given me all white walls was because it was in fact a blank slate - or a new bucket - or a blank canvas - to paint on. I was the thing He wanted me to look at - but He wanted me to look at myself in a whole new way.

OK WOW.

Now I had something to do in the rest of my solitude that afternoon. So I went off by myself with a journal and started thinking through the questions ... what DOES God want me to know about myself? What AM I supposed to explore about myself? I ended up starting in with my body. We had talked about the different dimensions that make us up that day in class and the BODY stood out the most for whatever reason. So I sat there trying to figure out just even what to ask about my body - and how it describes me? I didn't get it at first ... and I started describing what I like and dislike about my appearance ... THIS DID NOT GO WELL. My list was full of horrible things ... and I think I had only one like on the whole page. I even wrote on the bottom ... 'I'm pretty sure this is not what God had in mind - I need a new idea!' So I sat there a few minutes and this idea popped into my mind, 'how does your body experience the world?'... I answered my own thought ... 'through my 5 senses.' This idea resonated with me because of specifically surrendering my 5 senses last summer to God. So I began to write down the things I like to physically feel with my hands... I had picked a Lamb's Ear leaf earlier that day because they are so soft! and I just love them ... so that was one of my first thoughts ... then soft blankets, the wind on my face etc... etc... etc... and it just kept building. Then I moved on to hearing, smelling, tasting and seeing! By the time I made it through half the list I was so filled with this amazing joy and gratitude, like I hadn't felt in years. It was astonishing! Everyone said that evening how changed I was - that I was glowing. It truly was a crazy good afternoon.

And the whole thing seems so simple. So child-like. So basic. But it was so far from it. This was God teaching me to see myself with new eyes. To NOT see the ugly sinful parts of who I am - and believe me, they are all still there and will not be overlooked! - but they do not need to be explored for right now. God is asking me to see myself the way that HE sees me. He looks on me with absolute love and devotion ... but I have continually seen myself only as black and disgusting full of sin - full of shame - and that's how I keep presenting myself to Him. What intimacy can there be in that? What a crazy thought... that He wants me - to see ME - as beautiful, because HE sees me as beautiful.

So I bought myself a fan ... as an ebenezer... a memorial to this lovely day ... exploring my TRUE self.

From April 30

A friend texted me about fear this morning as she listened to a Piper sermon ...

"Fear does battle with our faith. The two cannot co-exist. When we fear, we submit to the kingdom of this world. When we lift our eyes up in faith, we rise above it."

I texted back...

Perfect love casts out all fear, and when we submit to His perfect love - FULLY abandoned to whatever He brings and allows into our lives - then we will overcome fear. The question is how? I keep saying 'yes' ... and 'yes' again... yet I am still waiting...

So all morning as I consume TV as if I am eating snickerdoodles ... I asked myself - what am I so afraid of? What am I so afraid of that I watched TV until 2 am last night? - unable to fall asleep while my husband is away. What is causing me to rush to my TV alter today to bow down?

I'm not quite sure on all the particulars ... but I think I'm afraid of the silence itself.

rethinking prophecies

Its a horrible rainy day here in Florida, it's a rare occurrence to have no sun during the day. This followed a wretched night's sleep that had me tossing and turning, and I truly believe that last night my cat was a messenger of Satan waking me up each time I was about to fall back to sleep. This particular night I had restless leg syndrome again ... a crazy legged form of insomnia that I have had to deal with for the past 9 years - gosh I can't believe its been that long. I've learned that food plays a huge part in it ... so I avoid caffeine, sugar, and wheat along with most grains except rice really. Yesterday though, I was completely good and ate none of those things ... so the restless leg syndrome could not have been caused by food. And so as I tossed and turned in my sleep I thought all of that through and figured this - along with my stupid cat - was a demonic attack. I spoke the name of Jesus out loud in my half awake stupor... and instantly my legs relaxed and I could sleep for a while. The hits just kept coming though in other ways... crazy dreams, more cat craziness, and even my husband was having weird dreams.

I thought about all of this when I finally woke up in the morning ... and remembered back to some prophetic moments regarding my restless leg syndrome... they are from a few years ago... the first of which came along the same time that God began His silence... so I went back to read the blog posts that I had written. 

A friend had told me about a dream she had had about me and then the Lord tied the dream to my restless leg syndrome as I was up praying about it ...

You had just come back from a prophecy conference or something like that and you were so excited - glowing and beautiful. And you were especially excited about this new way of praying that you had learned. You wanted to show me, so you laid down on the floor and twisted your legs into a crazy but beautiful position. And it was clear that the strength in prayer came from your legs and this crazy beautiful position could not be achieved by human means. 

So in the rest of the blog post - as I was reflecting on this connection - the Lord said that my RLS was for my 'training'. Honestly, that still confuses me.... hold on ... I just had an aha moment... I always thought it was for some kind of spiritual training ... now I have just realized that it's for my problems with food. My legs are teaching me- what to eat and not. They make me pay the price when I am eating something that is simply NOT ok for my body - sucky but true. I'm not entirely sure the 'why' of it all -just what is happening. Later that year I had a friend text me 2 related prophecies about me at the Table of the Lamb in heaven ... I still don't fully understand each of them but here is the gist of the first : I was sitting there with my mouth missing unable to eat and I was totally confused ... and at the end the Lord yelled out "I want your appetite!" This came just a day after I had heard the Lord speak to me "I want you hungry." About a month later she texted again with part 2 of the vision ... this time I was ushered to the table as Mephibosheth was ushered to David's table. He was Saul's crippled grandson. And as just the Lord and I sat there, my mouth was returned and I was radiant and at peace. I had a doubled edged sword at my right hand and a bowl of water at my left. This second prophecy came just after I had written a post signifying that the fast I had been on for Lent was over ... so now I'm wondering just how significant that fast may have been ... and just how wrong my conclusions were at the time... prophecy really does take time to unfold.

Perhaps that fast was more symbolic than I had realized ... I still don't understand it all but I think that  time of fasting was a small event representing the greater event of His silence... framed with 2 prophecies from a friend about being at the Table of the Lamb... starting out mouthless and confused but in the second able to sit, eat and be satisfied in the presence of the Lord. All the symbols don't make sense yet ... like me as Meph ... will I have 'crippled' legs as I continue on with the Lord? Will this be something I have to deal with for the rest of my days? And what about that bowl of water and sword? The Word and the Spirit? What does that mean? I guess I will need to keep pondering ...

So while I was back in my archives checking out these prophecies I came across a dream I had back in August 2013...

My dream was of me racing down the Niagara River heading toward the Niagara Falls ... I had fallen in and couldn't get out and now I am about to go over! The fear was so big - so scary I woke up so startled!

And I realized as I reflected on my dream that the only way I was going to get out of that crazy current was to be rescued. I need to be RESCUED. Plucked out of the water by some massive hand and put back on land - nothing else would do. When you are heading for the Falls - what else could save you?

So as I was looking at the post and the next one and I realized this dream had little to do with my conclusion at the time and was in fact a warning that I was indeed heading over the Falls into an abyss ... but I still haven't been rescued yet ... that falling - was a falling into this great silence - my dark night of the soul. And indeed I do need to be rescued by the hand of God - and His alone. The very next post I wrote I began talking about God's silence ... and things have not been the same since... 

Why can I see these things now? Can I dare hope that this is the beginning of the rescue? That the reason these things are taking shape and becoming clearer is that I am being plucked out of the Falls?
I'm afraid to hope like that. 

blank

Blank is the word I would use to describe how it feels inside of me now. It doesn't matter what I read or what I study ... things don't really stick. It feels like I'm in a white room with no windows or doors - its just blank in every direction. I feel almost like a clean slate with nothing written on me... for example I was reading the Divine Hours yesterday for prayer and the scripture that I read felt as though I had never read it - like it was totally brand new. It's hard to explain the feeling really because I knew in my mind that I did know the scripture ... it was really just how it 'felt' as I was reading. It's hard to hold onto things - and things still feel like they do not penetrate all the way down.

dictation from my closet

When I got up this morning and I knew I was already struggling with feelings of shame and self-loathing. I tried to reset myself with a worship song, tried to focus and pray. But it wasn't going well. I woke my kids up right before I left for the grocery store, so they would be ready for homeschool when I got back. But even while I was there ... the battle raged and I was losing. Its just I didn't really get that. When I arrived home one of my daughters - the one who pushes my buttons the most was still in her pajamas - it's been an hour - but she's basically accomplished nothing aside from feeding the cat. Now I'm super frustrated and I begin to lose it. I started yelling, just yelling at her, and yelling and yelling at everyone and then the scream that had been building was unleashed. I was totally unhinged.

The screaming didn't stop until my other daughter got in my face with tears in her eyes and yelled back at me. We all dispersed and went to our rooms, closed the doors and it was quiet. I sat in my room for what seemed like a long time and just wondered what the hell I was doing. What was that all about? 'Other' daughter went to my other two and prayed with them and got them started on schoolwork - because she's good like that - though she shouldn't have to be. I went to each of them and apologized for screaming at them. Later I apologized again and told them that this was definitely not about them - but was about me. I asked for their forgiveness. And again, back in my room, I shut the door and I realized that this scream was brewing for a long while. I had been needing to scream and just get stuff out. I even wrote about that recently. But I haven't been saying any of it out loud to my husband - to anyone. I just wish I hadn't spewed my shit all over my children. But that frustration was clearly the tipping point for me, the last straw on my interior haystack ... and the long brewing mess just blew up.

I've been ignoring?avoiding?unaware of the severity? of all that was brewing up underneath my surface. It's just really hard and I didn't know how to deal with it. No matter how many times I slap the truth over it - it doesn't seem to stick to me. And I FEEL like God has left me alone to deal with all this stuff on my own. He's not listening, is not present, he's not helping me. But I can not do this without Him. So here it was all out and about, and I didn't know what to do with it other than to confess my sin, and apologize to my kids -- but that simply is not going to cut it this time. I don't want THIS again. Whatever all of THIS was.

So as I thought back to the desperation and self-loathing that was brought out last week. Figuring that THIS had to be about them. What else would bring out so much horror? 

Last week I mostly thought about desperation and what that means. At first I wasn't sure if it was sinful. Heck, we sing songs about it -  I'm desperate for you - etc... and I didn't know if it was wrong or right, but I DID know is that it was pointed out to me for a reason. So I immediately confessed it. I talked it over with my friend one day at lunch trying to just understand it. I told her when I think of desperation I picture someone clawing his way through the desert looking for water. He can't stop or he will die of thirst. His longing will not let him stop. He is desperate. But I decided that this feels like striving. I'm still searching and trying to get it on my own. But we wondered how you keep the longing but get rid of the striving. What is the opposite of desperation? Because if I shut off my longing ... I literally have nothing left. That is all I have standing in for intimacy with The Lord right now - that longing ache is everything - which apparently falls under a bad 'desperate' column. 

That night as I fell asleep - I thought of it again - what IS the opposite of desperate? And then this image came to me ... instead of someone clawing through the desert looking for water ... what if they stopped, flipped themselves over on the sand, arms flung out, mouth open wide ... and they just waited. Waited for God to bring the water. This is the opposite of desperation: EXPECTANT. That's what this new picture is ... someone who is waiting on God to fill. And I realized I have shut that part of me off. As much as I have been waiting ... and have KNOWN no one else could fill me BUT God ... I stopped expecting Him to show up everyday. Because He hasn't shown up in any way that has felt like showing up. And in my exhaustion and delirium, I just kept clawing away on my own because I am so damn thirsty.

That's really what that Isaiah 41:17-20 passage is about. 

17 When the poor and needy seek water,

    and there is none,

    and their tongue is parched with thirst,

I the Lord will answer them;

    I the God of Israel will not forsake them.

18 I will open rivers on the bare heights,

    and fountains in the midst of the valleys.

I will make the wilderness a pool of water,

    and the dry land springs of water.

19 I will put in the wilderness the cedar,

    the acacia, the myrtle, and the olive.

I will set in the desert the cypress,

    the plane and the pine together,

20 that they may see and know,

    may consider and understand together,

that the hand of the Lord has done this,

    the Holy One of Israel has created it.

He is reminding me of what He has already said ... HE WILL FILL. HE WILL MAKE ME NEW. Terraforming is coming. I am in the chrysalis and change is happening. 

But - BUT my problem is - as I am sitting in my closet dictating these thoughts into my phone is that I doubt. Because it has been too long. And I am tired of feeling like I am doing all of this on my own. And no matter how many times I pray and ask for help - 'help' never seems to come. He hasn't filled, He hasn't rescued, He hasn't brought me water ... I get drips - damn drips - every other week -- just enough to keep me here but not enough to satisfy. And so I began my own clawing journey in hopes of finding something MORE. Herding from a distance is NOT the same. Knowing in my head you are here is NOT the same. The DRIPS don't SATISFY!

I don't know if I have stopped being desperate - though I have confessed it. Instead now I try and picture myself - laying out on the sand mouth wide open instead ... and waiting on God. But Lord, my lips are cracked and my throat burns and I am out of tears. 

Perhaps though my mouth/cup can not be filled because something - i.e.. self-loathing - is taking up too much space in me ... and based on that scream I know that must be true. How do I get rid of it? I don't think Im supposed to do this on my own? I don't want to scream at my kids again. I am tired and lonely, and my self-hatred seems to take up all of the air. Somewhere in here I know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made - but my soul DOESN'T know it well. I feel like I have been praying that prayer for 20 years now - my heart still doesn't get it.

No matter how many times I reflect on scripture and try and see something about shame or self-loathing, or the image of God - it just doesn't strike me - it doesn't stick - it doesn't stay in - and I can't make it stay. I need revelation, and God has not seen fit to give it to me yet. So I don't how much longer I have to go on like this, You brought this to my attention. I have lived in it,  my kids and husband have experienced it - more than just today,  and now I don't know what to do to combat it. The enemy is just having a field day, and I'm letting him have a field day, and I hate that. How can I just throw scriptures out there in battle if I don't believe them? My heart can't receive the truth - but maybe that doesn't matter?

Because the truth is true in the end. Whether I believe it or not. So I want to declare truth to myself --I am fearfully and wonderfully made I want my soul to know it well. I want to know that I was created to be intimate with God and that He wants to be intimate with me. That He is calling me out of this into something better. And just because I don't know how to get there or what to do or what to read or what to focus on, and things just don't stick ... Lord, I just pray that you would show up, and that you would teach me something new, and that you bring revelation to my heart, and that you would change me. I'm tired of working, I'm tired of trying to figure it out, I'm tired of not hearing you in Scripture, I'm tired, and I don't I don't know how else to fight. I wish you would fight more for me, I wish it was easier to see that You're there,  I do know you're doing something, I just wish I knew what it was. I don't know what it's all for, I don't know when it will be over, and I want more breakthrough, I just don't know that I can go on like this.

Somehow I need to be thankful for the drips that come even though I want it to gush. You know I want water just to fall on me and take over,  that's just not what is happening. BUT I want to be thankful for the drips that you give me. Somehow they sustain something in me. I want to be thankful for the life that you've given me because it is good. Help me to remember that You're good, God, even when it's sucky and horrible, somehow your righteousness covers all the crap I do.

Jesus, forgive me for being such a mess. 

meeting place

I woke again this morning thinking about the condition of my heart ... the 2 things at the bottom of it... desperation and self loathing. How can it ever be quiet and be a meeting place with the Lord - if they are crowding it up? The answer is simple: it can't be ...

After the Potter's Inn retreat, I came home with so many things stirring ... even if I couldn't really get a grip on them... and so I began reading to try and keep things moving forward. So I read all the books I mentioned in an earlier post ... but the one I haven't mentioned was ' The Way of the Heart ' by Henri Nouwen. This one so far has me stopped in my tracks. It was an earth shattering read. He explains the Desert Fathers in a succinct and powerful way. He boils it down and helps apply it to our extremely loud culture. Because how can americans ever hope to emulate desert monks who viewed a solitary existence as essential to knowing Jesus? He offers three words to summarize - flee, be silent, pray - and then unpacks them to combat the 'comfortable self-centeredness' which so characterizes american culture.

I'm not going to get into all the particulars of the book in this moment ... I'll get to that in another post soon - but really I just want to get to the BIG takeaway for me... which is this: creating a solitary and quiet place to meet with God in your heart.

Hasn't this been my journey now for a while - to find and live in my union with Christ? And then I read about the desert fathers going and working it out in complete solitude - for decades at a time. BUT my problem is - I don't have that 'luxury' - I have a husband and 3 kids ... and as much as I would love to run away sometimes ... I'm pretty sure thats not what I am called to at all ... but man I still want to experience and live in my union with Christ.

Here are a few of the quotes that I'm chewing on from Nouwen:

' It is the heart that is the place of prayer. The prayer of the heart is a prayer that directs itself to God from the center of the person and thus affects the whole of our humanness. '

' Prayer is standing in the presence of God with the mind in the heart; that is, at the point of our being where there are no divisions or distinctions and where we are totally one. There God's Spirit dwells and there the great encounter takes place. There heart speaks to heart, because there we stand before the face of the Lord, all-seeing, within us. '

' By its very nature such prayer transforms our whole being into Christ precisely because it opens the eyes of our soul to the truth of ourselves as well as the truth of God. '

So here's my take away from that ... That my oneness with Jesus already exists. I know this ... at least I know it in my head with a very limited experience of it. It exists in the place where the Holy Spirit dwells within me - because thats where our spirits touch -  and thus can become one. So to experience this oneness - to have an encounter with The Lord ... I need to descend into my heart to meet with Him face to face - my heart is the meeting place. Well what happens when my heart is covered up with all kinds of crap - things in the way obstacles? That's where this post comes full circle and I get back to looking at my desperation and self-loathing.

I wondered yesterday if desperation was bad ... we sing songs about it ... I'm desperate for you... like a beggar searching for food, or someone lost in the desert without water ... It feels like a search without end - it sounds like striving. Perhaps I don't need to be desperate at all especially if everything I need to be in union with Christ is already here. But I think the endless waiting is what has made me desperate. It's the dire 'please help' - I actually am starving - I actually am dying of thirst for Jesus ... how do I shut that off? It goes beyond just feeling that way ... its my whole mode of living. Its exhausting. Jesus said 'Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest...' I have come but He hasn't granted rest yet.

The self-loathing I recognize needs to go ... I get it again that 'self'-anything is a twisted up form of pride. What makes me keep swimming in it? What keeps it churning up? I think it's that unhealed place of shame - that 'I'm just not worth it' pile of garbage that still lives in the depths of my soul. It can't go away on its own - I can't wish it away - It  must be washed away through revelation and have it healed and replaced.

So what does this leave me with? Not much more than I started with ... I still have to wait - wait for Jesus to come and make more cracks in this chrysalis I am in.

tar and shame

I woke up this morning trying to connect to the ache in my soul. But it seems that even that connection to God was missing this morning. Usually, that's the only thing I feel - the ache of wanting to be near God ... now even that was silent this morning. In days past, I would wake up and let myself feel it, connect to it, let myself long for Jesus ... spend a couple minutes in prayer - or even just crying out in my heart - and then I would get up and start my day. And I would start my day then with very little expectation that the silence status quo would change. I would just move ahead with life ... knowing God is there but just feels so damn distant. Some days my faith feels stronger and I can accept what is ... and other days I just want to scream ... scream for all the things I want to change. I wrote a post about that yesterday but I haven't been brave enough to post it yet. Yesterday was a day I wanted to scream ... because even the ache is gone ... and I really don't want to go numb again ... I so don't want that...

As I sat on my couch this morning reading a novel ... I was struck with how quiet the house was. And I sat there for a minute longing to be outside - but it was too hot and sticky today. I tried to connect to my ache again there in the quiet ... but couldn't get there. I wondered what had frozen over in my soul ... like a puddle that melts in the days sunlight but freezes again at night. I thought about silence and solitude for a moment ... remembering what was spoken of on the retreat ... how silence is the gatekeeper to solitude ... and solitude is the meeting place of God. In that moment all I got was silence ... no meeting with God. But 2 things came into my mind as I asked my heart what was going on in there... desperation and self-loathing. 2 things that are at war within me - deep within.

My desperation was obvious to me ... that's the ache - my deep desire to be with Jesus - I couldn't feel it - but I could name its existence deep within. The self-loathing isn't really a surprise either ... I struggle to love myself - like myself - care about myself. I began thinking about how I look at myself in the mirror, I look with a lot of indifference lately. I just don't care about working at my appearance - or finding something pretty to wear - its all about comfort and convenience - and getting the job done. I am overweight and disgusted by it -- and when I catch a glimpse in a shop window or mirror on the go somewhere I hate what I see. I hate looking at myself in photos I hate even seeing my reflection in FaceTime. But its so much deeper than appearance, that's just an outer reflection of the inner reality. I just feel like I have a big tarpit of shame within and I am stuck in it ... not having any idea how to get out. I asked a short prayer - 'Lord, is self-loathing a sin?' I don't know and I didn't get an answer but I prayed and confessed it anyway. What can it hurt. I asked God to forgive me and teach me - to wash me.

Tar and shame are a messy business though ... I'm pretty sure it won't be that easy.

I read a quick article online about self hatred ... just to see what people say about it. It wasn't really helpful other than letting me know it is sinful. I guess I am supposed to know I am fearfully and wonderfully made - and the temple of the Holy Spirit - etc etc ... but it doesn't penetrate - just like everything else doesn't penetrate.

Then I remembered something from the retreat ... if we are describing ourselves like icebergs and only a fraction of who we are lives above the waterline ... then we need to get to know the stuff below  - ourselves below. But not just the good can be seen and blessed -- but we need to embrace the bad - the sinful - the ugly - and somehow learn to bless it. Walk with God into it and accept it as part of ourselves ... my problem I think is that I want to throw that stuff away and reject it. I want no part of it. In the article they talked a lot about perfection - trying to be perfect - and at first that didn't strike me - as me - I know I am a sinner ... I KNOW I need God - I am desperate for Him. But what if deep inside I'm still trying to do it all for myself - be perfect so I can be perfect so that deep within all will finally be quiet and settled - so I can be quiet for me.

I don't know ... just thoughts ... like I said tar and shame are a messy business. And I'm pretty sure I can't get out on my own.