I woke up this morning trying to connect to the ache in my soul. But it seems that even that connection to God was missing this morning. Usually, that's the only thing I feel - the ache of wanting to be near God ... now even that was silent this morning. In days past, I would wake up and let myself feel it, connect to it, let myself long for Jesus ... spend a couple minutes in prayer - or even just crying out in my heart - and then I would get up and start my day. And I would start my day then with very little expectation that the silence status quo would change. I would just move ahead with life ... knowing God is there but just feels so damn distant. Some days my faith feels stronger and I can accept what is ... and other days I just want to scream ... scream for all the things I want to change. I wrote a post about that yesterday but I haven't been brave enough to post it yet. Yesterday was a day I wanted to scream ... because even the ache is gone ... and I really don't want to go numb again ... I so don't want that...
As I sat on my couch this morning reading a novel ... I was struck with how quiet the house was. And I sat there for a minute longing to be outside - but it was too hot and sticky today. I tried to connect to my ache again there in the quiet ... but couldn't get there. I wondered what had frozen over in my soul ... like a puddle that melts in the days sunlight but freezes again at night. I thought about silence and solitude for a moment ... remembering what was spoken of on the retreat ... how silence is the gatekeeper to solitude ... and solitude is the meeting place of God. In that moment all I got was silence ... no meeting with God. But 2 things came into my mind as I asked my heart what was going on in there... desperation and self-loathing. 2 things that are at war within me - deep within.
My desperation was obvious to me ... that's the ache - my deep desire to be with Jesus - I couldn't feel it - but I could name its existence deep within. The self-loathing isn't really a surprise either ... I struggle to love myself - like myself - care about myself. I began thinking about how I look at myself in the mirror, I look with a lot of indifference lately. I just don't care about working at my appearance - or finding something pretty to wear - its all about comfort and convenience - and getting the job done. I am overweight and disgusted by it -- and when I catch a glimpse in a shop window or mirror on the go somewhere I hate what I see. I hate looking at myself in photos I hate even seeing my reflection in FaceTime. But its so much deeper than appearance, that's just an outer reflection of the inner reality. I just feel like I have a big tarpit of shame within and I am stuck in it ... not having any idea how to get out. I asked a short prayer - 'Lord, is self-loathing a sin?' I don't know and I didn't get an answer but I prayed and confessed it anyway. What can it hurt. I asked God to forgive me and teach me - to wash me.
Tar and shame are a messy business though ... I'm pretty sure it won't be that easy.
I read a quick article online about self hatred ... just to see what people say about it. It wasn't really helpful other than letting me know it is sinful. I guess I am supposed to know I am fearfully and wonderfully made - and the temple of the Holy Spirit - etc etc ... but it doesn't penetrate - just like everything else doesn't penetrate.
Then I remembered something from the retreat ... if we are describing ourselves like icebergs and only a fraction of who we are lives above the waterline ... then we need to get to know the stuff below - ourselves below. But not just the good can be seen and blessed -- but we need to embrace the bad - the sinful - the ugly - and somehow learn to bless it. Walk with God into it and accept it as part of ourselves ... my problem I think is that I want to throw that stuff away and reject it. I want no part of it. In the article they talked a lot about perfection - trying to be perfect - and at first that didn't strike me - as me - I know I am a sinner ... I KNOW I need God - I am desperate for Him. But what if deep inside I'm still trying to do it all for myself - be perfect so I can be perfect so that deep within all will finally be quiet and settled - so I can be quiet for me.
I don't know ... just thoughts ... like I said tar and shame are a messy business. And I'm pretty sure I can't get out on my own.
Friday, April 1, 2016
Thursday, March 31, 2016
Lectio from Potter's Inn
It's a time for solitude. Each day we are supposed to have many hours of it. We had a few teachings today ... We had a teaching on Lectio Divina ... Which was more of an experience in Lectio than teaching which was nice. Then S taught on WHY we need soul care - what is the soul - and why have we screwed up its care so drastically in our country. It was a good teaching. Then we had a teaching on solitude. It also was a good teaching and a practical walk thru of how to practice it. S made a point at the end of saying THIS IS PRACTICE. Because you may not actually meet with God ... Lower your expectations ... Solitude is supposed to be a meeting place with God. It's about practicing the awareness of His presence... Because He is always with us ... It's a matter of removing our barriers to Him - and quieting ourselves enough to hear His voice and to sense Him. I came back to my cabin and truly tried to here and focused .... I tried to do a Lectio on my own to start with scripture ... And that felt like a total bust ... Then I just I just tried to pray... But I don't even know what to pray anymore. A holy nap seemed the only option after that. I just feel like a total blank ... Like there is nothing moving in me. One man before we broke for lunch during the teaching on solitude at the end just honestly said he just really didn't believe it was possible that God would come to Him and meet His deepest needs. Everyone praised him for his honestly. I get that feeling ... But that is not where I am ... I KNOW God is real and amazing - I have seen Him come and fill me - and meet my needs and work miracles in and around me. ... I KNOW it ... But I doubt/fear that He will come and do it today ... Or any day in the future just because I really want Him too. He is withholding His presence from me for a reason - and that reason is not done yet ... So my expectations are at zero for Him to reveal himself to me. Even during Lectio today ... We were focused on the transfiguration. What was the thing that got called out to me in the first reading was that Jesus' clothes turned as into light b/c the theme of clothing covering our shame has been running through my mind lately. The second read through I could see the light as a theme ... It shone in His face, His clothes and in a cloud of light that covered them - light penetrated everything - it was overwhelming - over powering - unveiling. In the third reading I noticed when it was done and the disciples were bowed down in fear - Jesus then came to them. He came and got them. He initiated it. Perhaps the light is not done penetrating me yet ... So Jesus therefore won't come and get me until it's done. Penetrate me Jesus. Break me down to marrow and bone. Let me fall on my face in awe and fear. And then come and get me so we can be together again.
Some Books
I've read a bunch of books that were assigned for my Soul Care Institute reading ... Shaped by the Word by Muholand, Sayings of the Desert Fathers and Mothers, The Way of the Heart by Nouwen, and I started Care of Souls by Benner ...
I started with Shaped by the Word b/c I thought there may be some grand insight for me in there since scripture just falls off of me -- maybe, I thought, I am doing something wrong? ... or perhaps there is something totally different that I COULD be doing? The book is good ... it talks a lot about shifting our approach to scripture ... not reading to get information - to gain knowledge - not going in to get what I need and leaving again but to let the WORD shape you ... to come open handed letting the Lord really get a hold of me as I read. To let my time with The Word be an experience with The Lord and not just an opportunity to come, take, and go. Certainly, everyone has to study the scripture at some point and just gain insight and knowledge - understand doctrine, grasp theme and content. Far too few actually learn for themselves and instead just accept whatever is spoken in church. But even less I think pick up the Bible to actually let it be an encounter with the Lord ... or let the time in The Word take hold of them and speak. It's truly a good admonition ... he had many strong points. The only problem for me was ... it didn't address any of my particular issues. But that's fine... most books don't address my issues. I am already seeking an encounter with God just about any and everywhere ... especially in The Word ... and it still doesn't come. So moving on ....
Next I started Benner ... this I thought would be amazing b/c he wrote the gift of knowing yourself that was so impactful back in December .... THIS book is not THAT book however... this book is a history of how psychology has impacted the church. Interesting read in small doses ... but not a joy to pick up and dive into. I set it down unfinished and picked another.
The Sayings of the Desert Fathers and Mothers, was what I picked next. This is mostly about 1 desert monk in particular - Antony - they say he is the father of this desert monk movement. This was a strange book. The whole thing had such a mythological quality. It was hard to believe the stories that were told in here because they sounded completely crazy. But here's the thing ... I'm usually into the crazy and miraculous. BUT this was something beyond. Antony lived in the desert alone for most of his adult life - and he lived to be a 105 or so. He barely ate, slept, or saw other people. He owned almost nothing and rarely even bathed. But they say that his face was just like an angel. He was filled with such love and compassion and a whole heck of a lot of discernment when others did come to seek out his counsel, and he also was able to perform miracles and prophesy the future. For the first 20 years he lived completely alone in a cave and just did battle with the enemy almost constantly - who appeared to him in bodily form regularly. This proving ground grew his faith to epic proportions. And thereafter, He NEVER FEARED AGAIN. He loved to be alone with the Lord, loved to be obedient, took scripture at absolute face value and followed it. He found fasting to be absolutely vital to his life with God. He learned to pray without ceasing and often gave up sleep to pray through the night. Yet God sustained and strengthened him ... he was never weak or tired or helpless. Its simply amazing and weird to contemplate ... I mean how does one even begin to apply anything he said or did to an american life? ... even the simplest of american lives are too complex. I left that book kind of dumbfounded, wondering what if anything I needed to take away from it.
That's when I picked up Nouwen's The Way of the Heart. He sort of interprets and boils down the essence of the desert fathers ... so I am really glad I began with the other one first ...
I started with Shaped by the Word b/c I thought there may be some grand insight for me in there since scripture just falls off of me -- maybe, I thought, I am doing something wrong? ... or perhaps there is something totally different that I COULD be doing? The book is good ... it talks a lot about shifting our approach to scripture ... not reading to get information - to gain knowledge - not going in to get what I need and leaving again but to let the WORD shape you ... to come open handed letting the Lord really get a hold of me as I read. To let my time with The Word be an experience with The Lord and not just an opportunity to come, take, and go. Certainly, everyone has to study the scripture at some point and just gain insight and knowledge - understand doctrine, grasp theme and content. Far too few actually learn for themselves and instead just accept whatever is spoken in church. But even less I think pick up the Bible to actually let it be an encounter with the Lord ... or let the time in The Word take hold of them and speak. It's truly a good admonition ... he had many strong points. The only problem for me was ... it didn't address any of my particular issues. But that's fine... most books don't address my issues. I am already seeking an encounter with God just about any and everywhere ... especially in The Word ... and it still doesn't come. So moving on ....
Next I started Benner ... this I thought would be amazing b/c he wrote the gift of knowing yourself that was so impactful back in December .... THIS book is not THAT book however... this book is a history of how psychology has impacted the church. Interesting read in small doses ... but not a joy to pick up and dive into. I set it down unfinished and picked another.
The Sayings of the Desert Fathers and Mothers, was what I picked next. This is mostly about 1 desert monk in particular - Antony - they say he is the father of this desert monk movement. This was a strange book. The whole thing had such a mythological quality. It was hard to believe the stories that were told in here because they sounded completely crazy. But here's the thing ... I'm usually into the crazy and miraculous. BUT this was something beyond. Antony lived in the desert alone for most of his adult life - and he lived to be a 105 or so. He barely ate, slept, or saw other people. He owned almost nothing and rarely even bathed. But they say that his face was just like an angel. He was filled with such love and compassion and a whole heck of a lot of discernment when others did come to seek out his counsel, and he also was able to perform miracles and prophesy the future. For the first 20 years he lived completely alone in a cave and just did battle with the enemy almost constantly - who appeared to him in bodily form regularly. This proving ground grew his faith to epic proportions. And thereafter, He NEVER FEARED AGAIN. He loved to be alone with the Lord, loved to be obedient, took scripture at absolute face value and followed it. He found fasting to be absolutely vital to his life with God. He learned to pray without ceasing and often gave up sleep to pray through the night. Yet God sustained and strengthened him ... he was never weak or tired or helpless. Its simply amazing and weird to contemplate ... I mean how does one even begin to apply anything he said or did to an american life? ... even the simplest of american lives are too complex. I left that book kind of dumbfounded, wondering what if anything I needed to take away from it.
That's when I picked up Nouwen's The Way of the Heart. He sort of interprets and boils down the essence of the desert fathers ... so I am really glad I began with the other one first ...
Sunday, March 13, 2016
cracks
I hardly know what to write about my time at Potter's Inn. It was/is hard to hold onto and put into words ... like water running through your hand. It has a very ethereal quality. I wrote down a bunch of notes, all things I want to be able to reflect on ... so perhaps over the next few months before the next retreat I will touch on the things that happened and what I learned.
The first day that we really began they gave us a ton of solitude in the afternoon ... and I was a total blank. I stared at the walls and wondered what the heck I was going to do with all the time. Nothing seemed to fit ... no scripture was tugging at me ... no thoughts to even think ... just a big blank nothing. Which totally frustrated me... as it tends to, because I feel like that is all I get is silence and nothing. I just wanted God to DO something - anything - I didn't care what. Thankfully, some people were praying for me back home. Because the next day was different.... something cracked open.
We were in a session talking about being God's beloved. That if we know that we are loved in our depths ... truly everything else falls into place - we feel at home in ourselves, in our relationships, in life. It's one of 3 basic questions we need to be able to answer: Are we loved? Are we valued? Are we safe? If we can answer those - not just in our head -- but really get it in our core all the way down -- then these answered questions - questions that can only really be answered by The Lord -- will allow us to live our amazing life unified to Christ - fulfilling our purpose here on planet Earth.
It was after this session that I got up to stare out the window at the mountains and just asked the Lord... 'Why have you left me so alone?' I think I even began to hug myself a bit in comfort as I just screamed this out from my soul. S came over and hugged me as I cried and told him what I was thinking. He reminded me that Jesus often felt very alone and set apart ... He reminded me of the verse in Luke (9:58) "Foxes have dens to live in, and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place even to lay his head." Jesus was homeless... and I don't think He was referring to just a place to physically lay down ... He was missing His true home His real place of rest - the community of the Trinity. Anyhow, S also said that I should think of his hug as a hug from the Lord ... and then He did something truly crazy ... He took off his own 'beloved' ring - one that had been made especially for himself and gave it to me. I slid it on my finger in a haze of tears ... but truly at that moment I did not really understand.
Later that day I had some spiritual direction with one of the women available. I had never even spoken with her before so I kinda just dove in with my story of God's silence over the last 2.5 years. As I began to share she noticed me twirling the ring on my hand and fiddling with it. She asked what it was and I said 'S gave me his beloved ring.' She was shocked! I mean really taken aback. I could tell she was blown away by this act of love and care for me. SO now it finally began to dawn on me - that this was huge. I couldn't see it until it had registered on someone else's face. I guess parts of me are still quite buried.
Later on as we continued in my hour of spiritual direction I shared a story from around this time last year. It was during a communion time and my husband was up giving the charge to dig in and address sin. I sat there (by the way this was at the very beginning of my numb season) and went through my list. I was ready to get my confession off my chest. I went up and got the bread and wine and sat back down to do my work. But as I did ... the Lord stopped me and spoke ... this is one of a very few moments where He has felt present in 2.5 years ... and it was brief but amazing to feel Him again. He stopped me and said 'I do not want you to confess... I want you to know that YOU are my favored one.' I was stunned to hear such a declaration ... but as with all things Jesus in my life during this time - they just don't stick to me very well - its vaporous. So I shared that story with my spiritual director and again ... she was shocked!! She was taken aback. She was astounded that I had ACTUALLY heard the Lord say this to me ... audibly. And it wasn't until I saw her reaction again that I began to see this pattern of really important stuff just unable to penetrate this 'whatever' God has me in. She told me go sit 'there' and let it soak in. I'm pretty sure it hasn't yet ... but at least the importance of these 2 events have been brought to the forefront.
The final event was in the last moments of our last night together ... we all took communion together. I sat there asking God to bring to mind anything I might need to confess and nothing came to mind. Then The Lord dropped an image into my mind ... it was my heart encased in something -- almost like a chrysalis -- and now that casing had a couple of cracks in it. Finally, FINALLY!! Whatever this is - is breaking up. Metamorphosis is almost done ... the big moment when I finally get to emerge and unfurl my wings is coming. Praise God ... all of the things then that need to be stuck to my heart will finally get stuck, because, sometime soon I will emerge changed.
The first day that we really began they gave us a ton of solitude in the afternoon ... and I was a total blank. I stared at the walls and wondered what the heck I was going to do with all the time. Nothing seemed to fit ... no scripture was tugging at me ... no thoughts to even think ... just a big blank nothing. Which totally frustrated me... as it tends to, because I feel like that is all I get is silence and nothing. I just wanted God to DO something - anything - I didn't care what. Thankfully, some people were praying for me back home. Because the next day was different.... something cracked open.
We were in a session talking about being God's beloved. That if we know that we are loved in our depths ... truly everything else falls into place - we feel at home in ourselves, in our relationships, in life. It's one of 3 basic questions we need to be able to answer: Are we loved? Are we valued? Are we safe? If we can answer those - not just in our head -- but really get it in our core all the way down -- then these answered questions - questions that can only really be answered by The Lord -- will allow us to live our amazing life unified to Christ - fulfilling our purpose here on planet Earth.
It was after this session that I got up to stare out the window at the mountains and just asked the Lord... 'Why have you left me so alone?' I think I even began to hug myself a bit in comfort as I just screamed this out from my soul. S came over and hugged me as I cried and told him what I was thinking. He reminded me that Jesus often felt very alone and set apart ... He reminded me of the verse in Luke (9:58) "Foxes have dens to live in, and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place even to lay his head." Jesus was homeless... and I don't think He was referring to just a place to physically lay down ... He was missing His true home His real place of rest - the community of the Trinity. Anyhow, S also said that I should think of his hug as a hug from the Lord ... and then He did something truly crazy ... He took off his own 'beloved' ring - one that had been made especially for himself and gave it to me. I slid it on my finger in a haze of tears ... but truly at that moment I did not really understand.
Later that day I had some spiritual direction with one of the women available. I had never even spoken with her before so I kinda just dove in with my story of God's silence over the last 2.5 years. As I began to share she noticed me twirling the ring on my hand and fiddling with it. She asked what it was and I said 'S gave me his beloved ring.' She was shocked! I mean really taken aback. I could tell she was blown away by this act of love and care for me. SO now it finally began to dawn on me - that this was huge. I couldn't see it until it had registered on someone else's face. I guess parts of me are still quite buried.
Later on as we continued in my hour of spiritual direction I shared a story from around this time last year. It was during a communion time and my husband was up giving the charge to dig in and address sin. I sat there (by the way this was at the very beginning of my numb season) and went through my list. I was ready to get my confession off my chest. I went up and got the bread and wine and sat back down to do my work. But as I did ... the Lord stopped me and spoke ... this is one of a very few moments where He has felt present in 2.5 years ... and it was brief but amazing to feel Him again. He stopped me and said 'I do not want you to confess... I want you to know that YOU are my favored one.' I was stunned to hear such a declaration ... but as with all things Jesus in my life during this time - they just don't stick to me very well - its vaporous. So I shared that story with my spiritual director and again ... she was shocked!! She was taken aback. She was astounded that I had ACTUALLY heard the Lord say this to me ... audibly. And it wasn't until I saw her reaction again that I began to see this pattern of really important stuff just unable to penetrate this 'whatever' God has me in. She told me go sit 'there' and let it soak in. I'm pretty sure it hasn't yet ... but at least the importance of these 2 events have been brought to the forefront.
The final event was in the last moments of our last night together ... we all took communion together. I sat there asking God to bring to mind anything I might need to confess and nothing came to mind. Then The Lord dropped an image into my mind ... it was my heart encased in something -- almost like a chrysalis -- and now that casing had a couple of cracks in it. Finally, FINALLY!! Whatever this is - is breaking up. Metamorphosis is almost done ... the big moment when I finally get to emerge and unfurl my wings is coming. Praise God ... all of the things then that need to be stuck to my heart will finally get stuck, because, sometime soon I will emerge changed.
Tuesday, March 1, 2016
MORE
I'm here at the Potters Inn in Colorado again ... I am going thru their Soul Care Institute ... And today
is the first real day of learning what it will be all about. Truly I am hoping God does something - anything amazing. It doesn't have to be anything specific - just something instead of nothing. Movement, God, would be awesome.
Yesterday I got to have an amazing drive through the mountains. There was no one on the road - just a crazy winding road around cliffs and mountains and awesome streams. Even just in that ... I felt more of the Lord's presence than I have felt in months. But I want MORE. More Jesus - More Jesus - More Jesus.
is the first real day of learning what it will be all about. Truly I am hoping God does something - anything amazing. It doesn't have to be anything specific - just something instead of nothing. Movement, God, would be awesome.
Yesterday I got to have an amazing drive through the mountains. There was no one on the road - just a crazy winding road around cliffs and mountains and awesome streams. Even just in that ... I felt more of the Lord's presence than I have felt in months. But I want MORE. More Jesus - More Jesus - More Jesus.
Saturday, February 6, 2016
CRAZY
I am thinking a lot ABOUT shame. These last few days it has come up in a lot of conversations ... but never with the word shame attached to it. I wondered why we couldn't quite put it into that word. I realized shame is a word we don't use often anymore. With one exception - it appears in praise songs - but only coupled with the word guilt - and then only used because it is quickly swept away by Jesus' sacrifice.
Last fall I was lost in it. Shame was the stench I breathed. I couldn't escape from its choking clutches. Many times I didn't even know why I was crying, or weeping ... but one thing was true... I did not want to be SEEN by anyone.
So this time I am not living it -- I'm just thinking about it. And I am realizing that it's a really big deal. Like really big.
I talked with a friend this week who shared some deep hard stuff. She is a woman with a lot going on - I mean uber busy. As she shared about her emotional discoveries, I could relate because I had felt - and still feel - like the shame in my life is unhealed. She is fully aware of her shame and would be happy to share with anyone the Lord directed, about how God brought her out of an ugly and wasted past to a new life filled with so many good things. But she still struggles with deep personal doubts and self esteem issues. WHY if Jesus has swept away so much - does this still remain? I mean this woman loves Jesus - she wants to serve Him and does ... so why is this basic identity question lurking behind every shadow in her life?
And why only now in reflection can I put the word SHAME on this story - We didn't use that word earlier this week. But that's the problem. Shame is what makes us feel worthless.
A young woman I mentor and I spoke on the phone and she shared a time in prayer this week with her peers where she lost it and couldn't speak ... she drove home crying over it. She couldn't understand it - because earlier in the day in any prayer setting she was totally fine - so why was this different? She couldn't identify the problem - there was no word, until I told her it was SHAME she came up against.
Why is it so hard to identify? Why can't we put the word on it? What is that about? Are we hiding from it?
That would certainly make sense... since fig leaves are the first solution.
And what does God want me to do with it all? I KNOW I can't fix it. Heck, God hasn't even healed me from it yet. I even get nervous bringing it up because I am just more than a little afraid it will overtake me again. Which right now explains the excessive TV watching and sugar fest I've been on this week - pure avoidance.
Why is this so hard??? I mean I know why ... but it doesn't cease to surprise me. It's hard because it's at the core of EVERYTHING. It's at the core of how we live our our lives. Shame influences all of our decisions because we have created coping mechanisms to deal with the shame - pushing it far far far away from our surface because to feel it is so unbearable.
But what if we didn't HAVE to feel it anymore??? What if there was actual God-given healing for it? What if we actually LET Jesus in so He could? What if we owned it - put a name on it - and let Jesus deal with it?? The scary thing is then - we would have to let ourselves FEEL it again - we wouldn't be able to hide out from it anymore. THIS is TOTALLY CRAZY. It's crazy to think that we actually should.
I guess in for crazy.
Last fall I was lost in it. Shame was the stench I breathed. I couldn't escape from its choking clutches. Many times I didn't even know why I was crying, or weeping ... but one thing was true... I did not want to be SEEN by anyone.
So this time I am not living it -- I'm just thinking about it. And I am realizing that it's a really big deal. Like really big.
I talked with a friend this week who shared some deep hard stuff. She is a woman with a lot going on - I mean uber busy. As she shared about her emotional discoveries, I could relate because I had felt - and still feel - like the shame in my life is unhealed. She is fully aware of her shame and would be happy to share with anyone the Lord directed, about how God brought her out of an ugly and wasted past to a new life filled with so many good things. But she still struggles with deep personal doubts and self esteem issues. WHY if Jesus has swept away so much - does this still remain? I mean this woman loves Jesus - she wants to serve Him and does ... so why is this basic identity question lurking behind every shadow in her life?
And why only now in reflection can I put the word SHAME on this story - We didn't use that word earlier this week. But that's the problem. Shame is what makes us feel worthless.
A young woman I mentor and I spoke on the phone and she shared a time in prayer this week with her peers where she lost it and couldn't speak ... she drove home crying over it. She couldn't understand it - because earlier in the day in any prayer setting she was totally fine - so why was this different? She couldn't identify the problem - there was no word, until I told her it was SHAME she came up against.
Why is it so hard to identify? Why can't we put the word on it? What is that about? Are we hiding from it?
That would certainly make sense... since fig leaves are the first solution.
And what does God want me to do with it all? I KNOW I can't fix it. Heck, God hasn't even healed me from it yet. I even get nervous bringing it up because I am just more than a little afraid it will overtake me again. Which right now explains the excessive TV watching and sugar fest I've been on this week - pure avoidance.
Why is this so hard??? I mean I know why ... but it doesn't cease to surprise me. It's hard because it's at the core of EVERYTHING. It's at the core of how we live our our lives. Shame influences all of our decisions because we have created coping mechanisms to deal with the shame - pushing it far far far away from our surface because to feel it is so unbearable.
But what if we didn't HAVE to feel it anymore??? What if there was actual God-given healing for it? What if we actually LET Jesus in so He could? What if we owned it - put a name on it - and let Jesus deal with it?? The scary thing is then - we would have to let ourselves FEEL it again - we wouldn't be able to hide out from it anymore. THIS is TOTALLY CRAZY. It's crazy to think that we actually should.
I guess in for crazy.
Sunday, January 31, 2016
man fully alive
I have read and am now reading again - The Gift of Being Yourself - by David Benner. This is the book that S and G gave me to read in Colorado that I initially blew off declaring that I already know myself. Since that night with all the tossing and turning thoughts - I have read it more faithfully and now I think I would declare it as one of the few life changing reads of my life.
Its hard to put into words what I am thinking about it now … because there is so much that's new. So I am going to move along a few chapters at a time and put my thoughts into words.
Firstly, the premise of this book has really surprised me. Basically it is this - to really come to know and be intimate with God - we HAVE to know ourselves intimately. I would have said 'yes' to this previous to reading the book but I probably would have had a slightly different reason as to why. All of my study before this would have pointed me to disregarding and confessing self as sin each time it rose its ugly head to the surface. Because 'self' in that definition would have always referred to sin nature … self=sin nature... in pretty much all that I have read. So therefore my thoughts and logic pushed me to believe that all of my 'self' is bad and I must get rid of it. When self is just defined as sin nature - I would definitely agree - because our sin nature was killed on the cross and is dead. So anything that I would have dug up or was revealed to me by the Spirit would have been declared as sin - confessed - and purged. So intimacy with myself was really only an encounter with the bad… never anything good. Thus when it was all said and done I was being emptied of anything that was 'me'. I really struggled letting go of some things because of that, what would be left then? Empty never sounds that good to me. I had a hard time picturing myself as a vessel to be filled because of this, but instead pictured myself more like a door - either open or closed to what God wanted to flow THROUGH me - rather than how God might want to FILL me -- so that I might want to give to others.
BUT here in this book - Benner separates the false self and the true self. The FALSE self is our sin nature and all the masks that we create in self promotion and protection - and YES they should be confessed and purged - because they are remnants of who we once were. The TRUE self -- is that which is basic to our created being - that imago dei that we all possess. It is our personality, gifts, talents, our individual thoughts and feelings - the thing that makes us who we are (though they are marred by sin). BUT in addition to that - it is WHO we are becoming in Christ - that enlivens and remakes those original pieces - revealing our new creation self.
I would NEVER have thought I had this mixed up in my head. In fact, I probably would have even articulated all of it correctly in conversation. BUT yet I still wasn't viewing it correctly - my mental pictures did not line up with my words. My mind couldn't comprehend the truth because it is so clouded with self-hatred. The constant need to purge and get rid of sin whether Spirit led or me-led, kept me from seeing this distinction.
We have to BECOME more of who we really are - to truly be intimate with Jesus. Back in college I read an Elizabeth Elliot book - I'm not sure which one - but one of the things that stuck out to me and still does is this: a jellyfish glorifies God by just being a jellyfish. It glorifies God by being exactly what it was created to be. So how do I then translate that into how I GLORIFY God? I have to be ME and ONLY ME to glorify God. I bring Him more glory by being entirely ME. And the ME that I am - is the ME that He wants to know - and does know in the eternal sense. He created ME as I am because He likes ME this way. He wants to intimately know ME - the one He created. And the only way I can become entirely ME is by following Jesus, because without my new creature status and the power of the Holy Spirit -- I cannot become fully ME - the ME I am always meant to be.
St. Irenaeus said this: the glory of God is man fully alive. Finally this quote by Irenaeus REALLY makes sense to me. God is glorified when I am all that He created me to be.
BUT there is more …
'Finding our unique self is, noted by Thomas Merton, the problem on which all our existence, peace and happiness depend. Nothing is more important, for if we find our true self we find God, and if we find God, we find our most authentic self.' HUGE. This is HUGE.
At first I balked at this statement, truly I recoiled. This deep spiritual monk declares that all of life hangs on this? Yet it sounds so contrary to scripture. But it isn't. Apparently, John Calvin and St. Augustine agree because they have similar quotes that are scrawled into Benner's book.
I realized as I kept reading just exactly what Benner, Merton, Augustine and Calvin meant. When we discover the unique or true self that is hidden under sin and our false selves, this is what allows us to actually experience God as we were always meant to in the garden. And so when we uncover/discover/grow into our imago dei we can truly relate to God as we are meant to. To do this we must be fully surrendered to God in this process - allowing Him to reveal more of who we truly are. Then we can SEE God. HEAR God. TASTE Him. FEEL Him. Our senses become enlivened to Him as we become more fully awakened. As we grow in intimacy together - we have a deeper relationship, a stronger relationship that when tested - lasts - because we have gone beyond just having knowledge - to experiencing Him too. AND THIS fulfills our created purpose. We were made for intimacy with God - to love Him with our whole heart, soul, mind, and strength - and the overflow of this love relationship is what truly allows us to love others. THIS is what glorifies God. THIS is why we must unveil our true selves.
Its hard to put into words what I am thinking about it now … because there is so much that's new. So I am going to move along a few chapters at a time and put my thoughts into words.
Firstly, the premise of this book has really surprised me. Basically it is this - to really come to know and be intimate with God - we HAVE to know ourselves intimately. I would have said 'yes' to this previous to reading the book but I probably would have had a slightly different reason as to why. All of my study before this would have pointed me to disregarding and confessing self as sin each time it rose its ugly head to the surface. Because 'self' in that definition would have always referred to sin nature … self=sin nature... in pretty much all that I have read. So therefore my thoughts and logic pushed me to believe that all of my 'self' is bad and I must get rid of it. When self is just defined as sin nature - I would definitely agree - because our sin nature was killed on the cross and is dead. So anything that I would have dug up or was revealed to me by the Spirit would have been declared as sin - confessed - and purged. So intimacy with myself was really only an encounter with the bad… never anything good. Thus when it was all said and done I was being emptied of anything that was 'me'. I really struggled letting go of some things because of that, what would be left then? Empty never sounds that good to me. I had a hard time picturing myself as a vessel to be filled because of this, but instead pictured myself more like a door - either open or closed to what God wanted to flow THROUGH me - rather than how God might want to FILL me -- so that I might want to give to others.
BUT here in this book - Benner separates the false self and the true self. The FALSE self is our sin nature and all the masks that we create in self promotion and protection - and YES they should be confessed and purged - because they are remnants of who we once were. The TRUE self -- is that which is basic to our created being - that imago dei that we all possess. It is our personality, gifts, talents, our individual thoughts and feelings - the thing that makes us who we are (though they are marred by sin). BUT in addition to that - it is WHO we are becoming in Christ - that enlivens and remakes those original pieces - revealing our new creation self.
I would NEVER have thought I had this mixed up in my head. In fact, I probably would have even articulated all of it correctly in conversation. BUT yet I still wasn't viewing it correctly - my mental pictures did not line up with my words. My mind couldn't comprehend the truth because it is so clouded with self-hatred. The constant need to purge and get rid of sin whether Spirit led or me-led, kept me from seeing this distinction.
We have to BECOME more of who we really are - to truly be intimate with Jesus. Back in college I read an Elizabeth Elliot book - I'm not sure which one - but one of the things that stuck out to me and still does is this: a jellyfish glorifies God by just being a jellyfish. It glorifies God by being exactly what it was created to be. So how do I then translate that into how I GLORIFY God? I have to be ME and ONLY ME to glorify God. I bring Him more glory by being entirely ME. And the ME that I am - is the ME that He wants to know - and does know in the eternal sense. He created ME as I am because He likes ME this way. He wants to intimately know ME - the one He created. And the only way I can become entirely ME is by following Jesus, because without my new creature status and the power of the Holy Spirit -- I cannot become fully ME - the ME I am always meant to be.
St. Irenaeus said this: the glory of God is man fully alive. Finally this quote by Irenaeus REALLY makes sense to me. God is glorified when I am all that He created me to be.
BUT there is more …
'Finding our unique self is, noted by Thomas Merton, the problem on which all our existence, peace and happiness depend. Nothing is more important, for if we find our true self we find God, and if we find God, we find our most authentic self.' HUGE. This is HUGE.
At first I balked at this statement, truly I recoiled. This deep spiritual monk declares that all of life hangs on this? Yet it sounds so contrary to scripture. But it isn't. Apparently, John Calvin and St. Augustine agree because they have similar quotes that are scrawled into Benner's book.
I realized as I kept reading just exactly what Benner, Merton, Augustine and Calvin meant. When we discover the unique or true self that is hidden under sin and our false selves, this is what allows us to actually experience God as we were always meant to in the garden. And so when we uncover/discover/grow into our imago dei we can truly relate to God as we are meant to. To do this we must be fully surrendered to God in this process - allowing Him to reveal more of who we truly are. Then we can SEE God. HEAR God. TASTE Him. FEEL Him. Our senses become enlivened to Him as we become more fully awakened. As we grow in intimacy together - we have a deeper relationship, a stronger relationship that when tested - lasts - because we have gone beyond just having knowledge - to experiencing Him too. AND THIS fulfills our created purpose. We were made for intimacy with God - to love Him with our whole heart, soul, mind, and strength - and the overflow of this love relationship is what truly allows us to love others. THIS is what glorifies God. THIS is why we must unveil our true selves.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)