dis-ease

I am stuck in a trap of self-loathing. This week has been a particular struggle. I am not sure why … except that now I am trying to discover my beauty/true self/glory/ new creation-ness … so why wouldn't the enemy try and hurl a bunch of old crap at me.

I think this goes beyond just knowing my identity in Christ … though I think that is a part of it for sure … I need to know those pieces of identity truth … but they need to be understood and revealed to the core of my true self to enliven what God has made in me that reveals His image. Or at least I think that's how it's supposed to work!

Anyway … the self loathing… I am discovering is real and evil and a pervasive disease. It feels like I am trapped in barbed wire, mean thoughts poking and scratching me minute by minute. But the evil doesn't stay in me -- it continually seeps out all over my family esp. my kids. It just wells up in me … the thoughts get me angry - livid even, and any irritation, annoyance, frustration, or unpleasant change, anything that doesn't go my way -- and an eruption of the disease comes out to spread far and wide. And then the self-loathing cycle repeats because now I realize I have done the very thing I hate doing.

How can so much ugliness reside inside of one person? Many days this week it was all I could see. My mind was flooded with it. I was waiting in the car for the kids on Friday as I wrote this out on scraps of paper - that Jesus would come and release me and focus my eyes on Him. Its exhausting to hate yourself this much -- everything is defeated before you begin. It feels like a trap. And I can't find the way out.

Where does it even come from? It dawned on me the other day that this is an awful lot like the screaming queen in my heart. She's the one who sits on the throne and guards the black hole of shame that was hidden for so long. This is exactly how she behaves. She screams to get her way. She screams when you don't give her what she wants. She screams until you shut her up… but really she is keeping you away from that horrible pit … because that level of shit in there is even worse than dealing with her. That pit is so scary in fact I apparently put the screaming queen there to keep MYSELF away. So I have always kept her fed with whatever would quiet her - aka my idols - food, TV, novels -- anything escapist works really well. Sin is so deep. And idolatry is really all the ways we run away from dealing with it.  Without even knowing it I did some of that this week … I went shopping, I covered over my quiet moments with TV, I tried to stay away from my kids who cause the most irritation.

This is not the way I want to live.

Last year I had to walk in that dark pit. I wept for so many months swimming in the shame. BUT at the end of that time - even though the crying was done - I never felt healed. It just all seemed to fade into the background as I moved into the numb phase of this Dark Night. Now here I am again staring this crap all in the face again … yuck … and I am not sure what to do - what to know - what to pray except HELP.  I just know that I want to be healed. I want to change. I don't want to hate myself anymore - it destroys too much … and who knew it could? I really didn't know it could hurt anyone else … that's really not what I want. So again I pray … HELP.

experience and revelation

Something I wrote while in Colorado … I was wondering if the path I am on … the thing I am pursuing is even WHAT I should be pursuing ...
I am not sure where to start.
There is so much.

Firstly, I would say... that over the last 2 1/2 years in this time of silence. God has been directing me - HERDING me. I knew this ... I have experienced some of the course corrections and leadings, I have clung to the visions, I have clung to truth. I have persevered and waited and been patient, other times it has been railing at God, angry, and wildly impatient. All along the way lamenting ... absorbed in the holy complaint. Asking God 'why?', and trying to work it all out in my mind. At different moments on this journey I felt His shepherd hook - directing me - pushing me one way or another with a direction to take or a nudge to get back on track. Even though there has been leading ... in the dailyness of it all it has not felt intimate at all. It has felt awful. Hard. Exhausting. Horrible. Numb. Quiet. The shepherd's hook - does not feel intimate. I am grateful for it ... but it is simply not the same.

What is Intimacy? The dictionary defines it this way: closeness, togetherness, affinity, rapport, attachment, familiarity, friendliness, friendship, amity, affection, warmth, confidence; and also: intimate relations between husband and wife - intercourse.

To me - it is face to face contact. Breath to breathe. Heart hearing heart. Connection. Song of Songs speaks about intimacy. It has different stages certainly, it moves and shifts, and Jesus asks us to change and grow - to mature. But it's that life on life - open - loving - togetherness. This to me is what we all should want with Jesus. Abiding, oneness, union with Christ.

I feel like I'm being told I'm not supposed to want this. Over and over again. By many people. Or at least that what I am asking for is the wrong thing ... or I'm just off the mark or something. Am I? Because this is quite upsetting if its true.

and then later on in the week …

The journey from head to heart

We talk about this journey - as the longest - because we can know something is true - long before we can experience it as truth. Its like the mountains that are 75 miles off here at the top of the hill. I can see them - I can tell they are solid truth. But until I am up in them -- I will never know them. You can't know something without experiencing it. The journey from the head to the heart is long because to get there we have to wait on God for revelation - we have to be touched by Him to make it come alive in us. Isn't that true in all things? Worship follows this pattern - I can sing a song like I have been for the past 2 years - I can acknowledge the truth - I can even raise my hands acknowledging that truth but until God comes in with his presence and speaks those words of truth into my soul - it is only then that I awaken to the truth and worship in total abandon.

A seed can sit for years in a dry package but for it to come alive it needs water and sunlight, soil and nutrients. Thats what is missing from these 2 and 1/2 years. I have had no water. I cannot come alive without it. Is it wrong to seek it? I don't want to come alive for the sake of my life - tho I want that too - I want to come alive unto God -- to bring him pleasure and joy. I want to worship him wholly, to see Him freely, to love him.

I am not expecting this to come in a certain way ... the way doesn't matter to me - what I have known in the past is just a frame of reference - the calling of the garden. I have no prescription for what it looks like - I just want the face to face touch of intimacy to ignite my soul - to enliven it - so that I might worship as I am meant to. I get that this dry time of wilderness is purposeful. I want to honor my time here and embrace it. I know I have not fully done that. But even still life and water and the experience of God are what I am heading for. Isn't that why Jesus came - to have life to its fullest - to take his bride as His inheritance - free from slavery - to walk with Him in the garden.

new bucket

… So that night I tossed and turned rolling everything over in my mind. What could he possibly mean telling me that I don't know myself?

Sometimes when I am trying to work out a problem in my head I go back to the beginning … I go back and think on Genesis. Why did God create? What is this all for? How does everything fit in? … these are all the questions that get me thinking. God didn't create because He was bored - He created because that is who He is - He is a creator. What was His purpose in creating humans? … He said - Let us create in our own image - male and female he created them. He wanted someone to be like Him … to share His creation with. He wanted intimacy … He was there walking in the garden with Adam and Eve. That is also why he needed humans to have a choice … why else have a forbidden tree in the garden? He wanted us to CHOOSE him. Because obligatory worship is crap compared with loving adoration. He wants to share Himself -- so He wants us to willingly share ourselves with Him. That makes sense.

Then I thought back to the first day that we sat and talked with S and G. One of the questions that S asked was if my spiritual life were a bucket … where are its leaks? I sat and thought about that a minute and then said - I don't have a bucket anymore … my bucket was taken away. After the women's retreat in September … I felt like the season of lament that I had been in for the previous 2 years was over. A page had turned - but it was blank and I had no idea what it was supposed to be filled with. I prayed and asked God if I was meant to go out and DO something. I was getting antsy - ready for something else to do, experience, be, become, learn … I didn't care which - just something instead of nothing. But He hadn't spoken yet…

Also that night before bed my husband and I had sex. This is always a good indicator of how connected I am with him, myself, and with the Lord. An act of intimacy should be. It reveals something deep within of our hearts… something words have a hard time touching. Sex has been difficult for the last 2 and 1/2 years. My husband is fine - its always me. I can't seem to get my body to feel in the normal fashion. It's been frustrating … and this particular night was no different. And I realized as I was pondering everything later that night that the reason I can't feel my body - is because I am disengaged on the inside. I may be able to laugh again and smile - instead of the insane numbness I felt throughout the summer … but I was still not ALL there. Something was still missing. I realized that I am unable to feel intimate while we are having sex… that my biggest hope for the whole experience will be for my body to just go along with it - so that my husband is satisfied in some way. Of course this is never really satisfying for either of us. BUT admitting this to myself was huge, it was something I instinctively had known but had never put into words.

I began to put all of these pieces together … along with the quote from earlier that day: Only 2 things pierce the soul: pain and beauty. Lack of intimacy. No bucket. And throw in a dash of - 'you don't know yourself'… and the swirling thoughts continued.

If intimacy is the entire purpose of everything … the very reason God creates … then this silence is all about creating more of it. God is not capricious. He loves me, this silence has purpose - it has a plan. If His end goal - is also the exact thing that I want more than anything - then 'intimacy' must be the very place He is taking me (of course to me this seems like the craziest path to get there …). Lament was over - my bucket taken away. The page was turned ready to be written on - just WAITING. I realized that the old bucket was full of my personal shit. All my pain. It was filled with shame and sin. It was full of everything that I had purged over the last 2 years. I had mourned and cried and lamented - moving, and homeschooling, friendships, homes, place, status - pretty much everything had been stripped away. BUT mostly the silence… the frustrating infuriating silence. I banged my fist on God's door every day begging for the one thing I know I should want more than anything else - intimacy. Yet He withheld it from me. Why?

I needed a new bucket.

I simply could not go to the new places I wanted to go with my old shit-filled bucket in tow.

It has taken the last 2 and 1/2 years and a lot of silence to finish filling the old bucket. Silence was the final ingredient to get the last clinging pile of crap to shed off into the bucket. There were places within that I was never going to go without that silence as a motivator … no - not even the silence - but the hope of something more than silence. I would do anything that God called me to because I have experienced my Summer of Jesus. That outpouring of love during that summer 6 years ago continually calls me to intimacy.

So God took that old bucket away (hence the reason I have felt less burdened these last few months since September).

But then as I was laying in bed pondering all of these things - EVERYTHING - began to click into place. I KNOW my pain. I don't know my BEAUTY. I have bits … but as a whole it has been unexplored. This is why I can't be intimate during sex … this is why my body won't feel. THIS is the bucket that God wants me to fill! If I want to get to the place where I am intimate with the Lord - to know His mind, His love, our union … then I have to fill THIS bucket. How can I know God well if I am only seeing Him from one perspective? How can I love Him well when I am loving out of the shit bucket? I can't - because it is only HALF of what I need.

Beauty has to pierce me just as much as my pain does. My mind has seen only one half of this equation, now I need the other half. So now I have a new bucket… and it's waiting to be filled. This one sounds way better.

pain and ...

Up in the mountains we told our stories and S and G listened to us. They reflected what they heard, they asked questions, they pointed out blind spots. It was hard to receive some of it, and other things were just simply true.

At the end of the first day they gave me a book to read, it's called 'The Gift of Being Yourself' by David Brenner. This would fall into the category of things I did NOT receive well. I read the title of the book and thought to myself, 'I already know myself -- I am sick to death of looking at myself -- why oh why did they give me another book on THIS?!' So that night I glanced at the book and skipped around and found something near the end to interest myself … I read and took a couple of notes, end of story. I knew that this was not what they wanted, but what can I say I'm rebellious in spirit.

The next day, we came in and reported what we had thought on as we read. They responded as I expected they would to me jumping to the end of the book - a bit flabbergasted. I told them - I am just sick of looking at myself - that's all I have done for the last few years and I am exhausted by it. And that I honestly feel like I know all I possibly can stand for now. Then I told my story. And like I said there was lots to poke and prod at. 'Survivor' was the word that stuck out for me. They especially noted that I had done quite a lot to raise myself, and that there was a lot of emotional pain... yup, that's a general sum up.

Somewhere in my story we got talking about my family and how they approach life, confrontation and conflict etc… anyway, we got talking about how my family never really expressed love in soft, gentle ways. We teased, were sarcastic, and and if we argued it was a big explosion that led us each to our own separate corners to lick our wounds, and when we were done it was never spoken of again. If we went to a beautiful spot on vacation we would stand and stare - but comments were never made - no beauty was ever spoken. Compliments were not given - but could only be earned out in the world from others for our various accomplishments. There were no - I love you's - it was only ever implied through gifts or other provisions. My mom was nurturing at times when I was young, but as soon as my parents separated much of that dissipated as she struggled with her own pain. My Dad was simply not nurturing, cuddly, or affirming at all. That is probably a bit harsh … I can remember a couple of moments, but they are indeed few.

All of this to get here … somewhere in all of this S began talking about pain shaping us. And he started relaying a quote and before he could finish it - I did - instinctively. Here is the quote --
'Only two things pierce the soul. One is pain; the other beauty.' Simone Weil a french theologian said this … perhaps I had heard it before - I don't know … but I just KNEW the answer. BEAUTY.

After I was done telling my story, S also said to me … That I really didn't know myself at all.

What??? WHAT???

THAT bothered me. Really bothered me.

I feel like I have spent my whole life literally focused inward. Asking God to root out shit. Learning about my identity in Christ, learning to rest in faith… in fact one of the things I definitely have gotten out of these 2 years of silence is just how desperately I want the eyes of my heart to turn away from myself and to focus squarely on the Lord. I feel like after the women's retreat in September - when my lament was over that God would finally take me on a journey away from myself and bring me closer to Himself. Why now was S saying that I don't know myself at all?? Frustration doesn't begin to cover how I felt.

I went back to our cabin that night trying to let things settle over me - trying to wrap my brain around the whole thing. I was up most of the night as thoughts rolled and rushed around. What does this mean? What am I supposed to do about it? What am I not getting? What is missing??

more to come...

Up In the Mountains

People keep asking me if Colorado and our retreat were restful? relaxing? I grit my teeth and say, 'those are not quite the words I would use. How about hard and good, really hard - really good, and challenging - really challenging.' Those are the words I would choose.

Certainly when you are in the middle of nowhere up in the mountains it's quiet and serene. The scenery was beautiful. There were deer literally frolicking outside of our cabin. While a giant black squirrel with tufted ears was foraging for something to eat, birds I've never seen before were flocking to the feeder. There was snow on the ground, and yet it was surprisingly warm at 9000 ft about sea level - a balmy 50 degrees most of the time that we were there. So yes, it WAS restful, even though many nights I barely slept. Apparently this was a result of altitude sickness, with a 2 hour time change, and lots of thoughts waiting to jump out of my head as soon as I cracked my eyes open.

These thoughts were as a result of spending 3 hours a day for 5 days that week talking and receiving from our Soul Care providers. I'll call them S and G for the sake of ease here. They are the couple that started this ministry of soul care a bunch of years ago. They are about 20 years our senior … so it was nice having older, spiritually mature eyes looking in our lives. That's also what makes it challenging though … THEY ACTUALLY SEE STUFF. Like I said, - hard, good, challenging, - this would be no stroll down memory lane.

We told our stories. My husband is fairly easy… great family, only a few moments of regret, and a strong calling from God. In fact his story is so straight forward that most people want to dig up crap where there is none to dig up. S and G asked all the questions to probe in that area but truly there is no crap - especially no true daddy issues. My husband and I often say that he came into our marriage with a shaving bag's worth of baggage, and that I came in with trunks, and suitcases, and hat boxes - piles and piles of luggage. So when I told my story - S and G had lots of crap to poke and prod at. It was exhausting to tell our stories, yet that was the easiest part. S and G said to my husband that he has lived a charmed or blessed life. There has been no pain, no agony, no hell. Which is true, he has really lived a protected life - protected in that no real horror has entered in - and as a result, he is a very steady, even-tempered guy who can get things done. I on the other hand am a mess of emotion and trials and crap. Words like surviver, roller coaster, and pain, were handed to me after listening to my story. I have a whole host of daddy issues, mommy issues and every other kind of issues. And that was all just the beginning. They also gave us books to read or questions to think about… so each evening was spent cozy in our cabin with beef strew, some homework to think on, and eventually we would stumble into a movie at night out of pure mental exhaustion.

I can't forget however, about the prayer trail. All over their property are benches guided by a book, to sit and ponder different aspects of our spiritual life. Some spots point you toward the pond, while others have you climbing a hill toward vast mountain views. Each one though has you thinking through what you see, hear, and feel as you walk, sit, and pray, and then ask questions of you based what you are experiencing. So we each spent some time out on the trail -- picking the spots that spoke to us and spending some time listening and praying.

The week moved painfully slow at times and others made you feel like grabbing at the minutes to get them back -- so you could remember things - hold onto them better. It was exhausting and restful, painful and beautiful. Hard and good all at the same time. I have so much more to say … so more posts to come.

when HE chooses

I'm in Colorado with my husband getting some soul care for the week. For once, we will be the counseled instead of the counselors. I really have no idea what to expect from the experience. All this past week I have been freaking out a bit. And it took me a while to figure out that I was anxious about  coming here. That seemed silly to me -- because I have always wanted to be mentored in some way. I had a bit in Grad School for my counseling degree but since then my only counselors have been books. I have prayed many times for a mentor, but books have been all that God has brought to me thus far ... until now. So why the heck was I so anxious? It really had very little to do with being looked at I discovered...

This past weekend my In-Laws came in to watch the kids for us and celebrate Christmas. I will admit that I am and was a bit hesitant about having them watch the kids. They are old and frail and my husband's father always seems sick as he comes to visit. This time he seemed fine ... until one day into their trip he fell and hurt himself. Now suddenly he is actually making moaning sounds that sound like he is at death's door. I need to mention too that he is the only one that drives once we leave. But all it seems he wants to lay in bed all day and just be ill - instead of actually get up and take care of what needs to be done. As we are driving to church - from which my husband and I will then get on a plane and leave my kids in their care for the next week -- he continues to moan like he is dying. I start freaking out -- my kids will be trapped all week! My mother-in-law won't be able to get groceries! What if they need a doctor or something worse happens! etc. etc. These were definite concerns to me - but I was panicking and crying over it all. Then I realized that what I was more worried about is that I may be heading to Colorado with all this quiet, and all this time and attention ... and I STILL may not hear from the Lord. That's what I was really dreading.

It is perfectly within God's rights to continue in silence with me. After all He is God and I am not. I know that He never ceases to be intimate with me ... but for this season He has chosen that I do not get to feel intimate with Him. At home ... though I don't enjoy the waiting ... it is tolerable to wait. I have things to do, ways to distract. Homeschooling, and caring for the house take up lots of time when I want them to. BUT this - coming to Colorado, this is something else entirely. Here I am SUPPOSED to hear from God in some way. That is what this time is built for. What if He decides to keep me waiting?

After the crying and freaking out were done I felt a bit better. I asked friends to pray via text. A friend at church prayed with me - and that was amazing. I set people up to check in with my In-laws and the kids -- so that just in case -- there are back-up plans. So as I sat there in the airport and got on the plane for 4 hours, and then drove for 3 more to get here in the mountains... I just accepted what is already true. No grand revelation was imparted - no words were spoken - no scripture opened up to me ... I just chose to believe that EVEN if He chooses not to speak - I will be OK. I will not explode - I will keep on as I have. I will choose to believe what IS true. God loves me. This time of silence has purpose. That this time on retreat has purpose. That God is a good loving Father who IS taking care of me. AND that someday - when HE chooses He WILL speak again. Maybe this week - maybe not. But I need to be open to either. And realize that both speak His love over me.

But I gotta be honest ... I WANT him to speak so badly. I want intimacy back. I am tired... and waiting is hard.
Lord, YOUR will be done.

nesting

I have been cleaning and organizing furiously. I organized our movie closet, under my sink - all my cleaners were just a mass pile, my laundry room - was a dumping ground for the random homeless items, and the mac-daddy of all was my bedroom. Since we moved into our house a year ago, my room especially seemed to collect all the things we didn't know what to do with, and mess ensued. So I have been on a rampage the last few days to a week. But I just realized today what this sudden urge is …. I'm nesting.

If you have had a baby or have prepared to adopt -- you know this feeling. Right before a child comes into your world you want everything to be ready to welcome them. You want them comfy and cozy, to feel loved and protected by the things that are all around them. Just like a mama bird making a nest for her clutch of eggs, she lines the inside with soft down or moss, we do the same for our babies.

Now don't go thinking that I am bringing home a new child! I am not. My husband and I have never felt called to adopt, nor do I ever desire to be pregnant again, besides the fact that now my husband is quite fixed! No, this upcoming birth is something else entirely.

Its the birth of something new … I just don't know WHAT yet. God has enveloped me in silence for more than 2 years now, to strip, purge, and remove from me a pile of mess below my surface (I guess I am more like an elephant in that way since its taken me 2 years to gestate!) And I think that soon He will reveal to me what it has all been for. So as I feel this deep breath in - getting ready to release - I am getting ready any way I can. Even if they are only my closets, and laundry room etc… they represent the places I have neglected. Before, I could just close a door and ignore them. And I DID. BUT now, I just want to be able to dive into whatever this is, without anything holding me back. So nothing will be left undone as long as I can help it. Because when Jesus finally calls, I will finally be heading into something new.