The Wall … or The Dark Night of the Soul … is supposed to be hard. It's supposed to be confusing, and long, difficult, gut-wrenching, soul ripping, dark, mysterious work.
It is the stripping of the old ways. The former nature that we cling to. The old kingdom. It is self being dealt with… but not in the usual ways … the ways that we have been used to.
The usual ways of dealing with sin consists of, a revealing of some kind. Scripture speaks to us and we are convicted. A friend says something and we are convicted. A pastor speaks from the pulpit and we are convicted. We struggle against it sometimes, and other times it's easy to see. We confess our sin. In a group, with a friend, or on our own. It is done and forgiven. We pray for the Spirit to inhabit that old place. We pray for new understanding and belief. We practice the new ways. It's a process, and it is often hard. Sometimes the Lord allows it to be easy - but not usually. This is the usual way… a generalization for sure… but this is how it has been for me up until about 2 years ago.
Then suddenly I moved - physically - we moved homes, states, churches. But God moved me spiritually too. He had me all to Himself quite literally. I knew no one - not really anyway - who lived nearby. I felt alone except for my family. My husband was super busy finding his way in a new job and even I had a new job (homeschooling) -- which kept me isolated even more.
I thought it was a perfect time to become even more intimate with the Lord… except then He stopped speaking. And He plugged up my spiritual ears as well. Everything went quiet. I felt alone, abandoned, and buried under a mile of dirt.
I KNEW He was still there. I KNEW that He loved me. But all my experiences and feelings and daily life felt dull and spirit-less. I struggled against despair, and depression, anger, my idols … and felt helpless to solve any of the problems inside and out. I cried out to God daily - aching for His nearness - or really any response.
Now I know that this is all a part of the Dark Night. The stripping of my outward sense of the Lord. It FEELS like abandonment … BUT really it is the beginning of the deeper work… an internal work from The Spirit directly to my spirit.
As the darkness has continued it seems to have become even more stifling. This is true even though at times - rare moments - He has allowed me to hear Him directly, or through a friend. He had me look at the deepest hole I was hiding within myself … a deep hole of shame I didn't know was dictating much of how I lived my life. I cried more during those months I think than all my previous tears put together. It sucked. And even still I don't feel completely healed.
I guess I don't feel healed because there is more to come. Even a month ago I would have outwardly moaned at that thought. Now the Lord at least has given me a glimpse of what it is I am undergoing, and that seems to make the whole thing more bearable at least for now. As I read St. John of the Cross' book, 'The Dark Night of the Soul', I gather that it gets even worse … but that there are moments of peace interspersed to get refreshed from the Lord before you go into the darkness again. Though I don't relish the thought of going dark again … at least I now know a little of what the Lord is up to during the mysterious inner work. He is purging sin. He is cleansing out to the deepest roots. He is making more room for the deepest connection - a true depth of revelation about our union with Christ.
Oh to be fully known and to know … to be free of self and be able to worship with total abandon! To be so intimate with Jesus to be encapsulated with Him. To be ushered into fellowship with the Trinity!
I know these things are already true of all believers … but to comprehend it is another thing entirely! To have it revealed to the core of my soul and feel it - to be able to truly express my love and joy in the Lord back to Jesus from the very depths of my new self. Truly, I can't wait.
Wednesday, April 15, 2015
Sunday, April 5, 2015
so many BOOKS!
I've read a few books recently and am on a fourth.
The first was 'The Healing Gifts of the Spirit' by Agnes Sanford. I enjoyed her spunk and many of her stories and straight forward approach to scripture and healing. There were a few moments that seemed weird but I am unsure if I misunderstood them or if they were just plan outside of normal … but none the less I was encouraged to pray for healing for myself and others. I have been feeling led to pray over people and sometimes don't know 'how' to ask for healing … and this helped with some simple tips and lots of encouragement.
The second was 'The Critical Journey' by Janet Hagberg and Robert Guelich. This was a fascinating book on the stages of our faith. The women I met at the creativity conference had told me about it. She had listed out the stages and gave me a picture/word illustration for each of the stages. So then I got the book and was super excited to read some of the very things I have felt in this particular stage I am in.
Here are the stages:
Stage 1 - The Recognition of God
This describes coming to faith … seeing your need … grasping the gospel
Stage 2 - The Life of Discipleship
This describes learning in your faith … being taught by leaders … digging into the Word
Stage 3 - The Productive Life/Service
This describes going out and living out the service that you were made for … being productive in the Kingdom - just getting a lot done
Stage 4 - The Journey Inward
This describes a dramatic shift from the first 3 stages to the next. Its a time of confusion … of learning things deeper than you have before. Lots of questions … lots of struggle. A movement toward deep healing and soul change.
The WALL (part of stage 4)
This is the time where healing happens … usually in your depths and usually you do not get to be privy to it. God is at work. It is a hard place to be. You feel stuck and useless… but the if you submit to the work being done - healing comes at the end.
Stage 5 - The Journey Outward
This can look a lot like stage 3 - getting a lot done …. but its done from a whole new place of internal rest and peace on the inside with the Lord. He has healed and changed and now you get stuff done in His time and in His way - submitted to Him.
Stage 6 - The Life of Love/Intimacy
This is an understanding of your Union with Christ … fully knowing You are His Bride. You are filled and overflow with the Spirit and you give and give without being bothered by the sacrifice. You know who you are and you know the mind and will of Christ freely and easily.
All of the stages are good and necessary. It is a progression just as getting older is. Although it is possible to stop in this process and not move ahead. In fact, it says in the book, that most do not move past stage 3 … and that that is where most churches are encouraging people to end up … because once you are serving - you are an active participant in the Body….. The only problem is - THERE IS SO MUCH MORE!!!
As much as I loved being in Stage 3 - because it feels awesome to get stuff done and see God move through you in amazing ways! I am not there anymore! And its good and OK to be moving to the next thing God is calling me into. It felt crazy amazing to read about the WALL - because I am smack dab in the middle of that freakin' thing. I finally felt like someone understood where I am and had encouraging things to say about it. And even more encouraging to know that at the end of this long journey in the wall - God WILL heal!!! And even though I may not understand it all - or even explain it all - God is at work - deep under my surface - effecting big change. Whew!!
The Third book was 'Hinds Feet In High Places' by Hannah Hurnard. I had never read this before even though its a Christian classic. I really liked it. It's an allegory in case you didn't know. It had many beautiful mind pictures for our journey with Christ that I will continue to think about. But - and here is my BUT, I felt that the journey lacked any real agony, or true picture of inward struggle. And whenever Much-Afraid called on Jesus - He came to her aid immediately and talked her down from her whiney ledge. Now I believe that God answers us when we call - but sometimes He makes us WAIT! And for a long time. And the journey takes a LONG time … this seemed to be a little too breezy.
But at the end of her book - at least in my copy - were her journals from a trip to Switzerland that inspired the book. I loved reading those as well -- super awesome to hear from anyone who heard from the Lord in such a profound way.
The book I am reading currently, 'The Dark Night of the Soul' by St. John of the Cross. So far this has been AMAZING. This describes The Wall … with so much depth and accuracy - wow. And the wall - or the dark night he says leads to a fuller understanding and living out of our UNION with Christ. That is the journey that the Lord has set me on for the last bunch of years … and now I am in the darkness trying to submit to that deep work within…. SO THAT I can live totally encapsulated inside my union with Christ. I asked for this … He has answered … He is still answering. Praise Jesus. Now I just need to keep submitting.
The first was 'The Healing Gifts of the Spirit' by Agnes Sanford. I enjoyed her spunk and many of her stories and straight forward approach to scripture and healing. There were a few moments that seemed weird but I am unsure if I misunderstood them or if they were just plan outside of normal … but none the less I was encouraged to pray for healing for myself and others. I have been feeling led to pray over people and sometimes don't know 'how' to ask for healing … and this helped with some simple tips and lots of encouragement.
The second was 'The Critical Journey' by Janet Hagberg and Robert Guelich. This was a fascinating book on the stages of our faith. The women I met at the creativity conference had told me about it. She had listed out the stages and gave me a picture/word illustration for each of the stages. So then I got the book and was super excited to read some of the very things I have felt in this particular stage I am in.
Here are the stages:
Stage 1 - The Recognition of God
This describes coming to faith … seeing your need … grasping the gospel
Stage 2 - The Life of Discipleship
This describes learning in your faith … being taught by leaders … digging into the Word
Stage 3 - The Productive Life/Service
This describes going out and living out the service that you were made for … being productive in the Kingdom - just getting a lot done
Stage 4 - The Journey Inward
This describes a dramatic shift from the first 3 stages to the next. Its a time of confusion … of learning things deeper than you have before. Lots of questions … lots of struggle. A movement toward deep healing and soul change.
The WALL (part of stage 4)
This is the time where healing happens … usually in your depths and usually you do not get to be privy to it. God is at work. It is a hard place to be. You feel stuck and useless… but the if you submit to the work being done - healing comes at the end.
Stage 5 - The Journey Outward
This can look a lot like stage 3 - getting a lot done …. but its done from a whole new place of internal rest and peace on the inside with the Lord. He has healed and changed and now you get stuff done in His time and in His way - submitted to Him.
Stage 6 - The Life of Love/Intimacy
This is an understanding of your Union with Christ … fully knowing You are His Bride. You are filled and overflow with the Spirit and you give and give without being bothered by the sacrifice. You know who you are and you know the mind and will of Christ freely and easily.
All of the stages are good and necessary. It is a progression just as getting older is. Although it is possible to stop in this process and not move ahead. In fact, it says in the book, that most do not move past stage 3 … and that that is where most churches are encouraging people to end up … because once you are serving - you are an active participant in the Body….. The only problem is - THERE IS SO MUCH MORE!!!
As much as I loved being in Stage 3 - because it feels awesome to get stuff done and see God move through you in amazing ways! I am not there anymore! And its good and OK to be moving to the next thing God is calling me into. It felt crazy amazing to read about the WALL - because I am smack dab in the middle of that freakin' thing. I finally felt like someone understood where I am and had encouraging things to say about it. And even more encouraging to know that at the end of this long journey in the wall - God WILL heal!!! And even though I may not understand it all - or even explain it all - God is at work - deep under my surface - effecting big change. Whew!!
The Third book was 'Hinds Feet In High Places' by Hannah Hurnard. I had never read this before even though its a Christian classic. I really liked it. It's an allegory in case you didn't know. It had many beautiful mind pictures for our journey with Christ that I will continue to think about. But - and here is my BUT, I felt that the journey lacked any real agony, or true picture of inward struggle. And whenever Much-Afraid called on Jesus - He came to her aid immediately and talked her down from her whiney ledge. Now I believe that God answers us when we call - but sometimes He makes us WAIT! And for a long time. And the journey takes a LONG time … this seemed to be a little too breezy.
But at the end of her book - at least in my copy - were her journals from a trip to Switzerland that inspired the book. I loved reading those as well -- super awesome to hear from anyone who heard from the Lord in such a profound way.
The book I am reading currently, 'The Dark Night of the Soul' by St. John of the Cross. So far this has been AMAZING. This describes The Wall … with so much depth and accuracy - wow. And the wall - or the dark night he says leads to a fuller understanding and living out of our UNION with Christ. That is the journey that the Lord has set me on for the last bunch of years … and now I am in the darkness trying to submit to that deep work within…. SO THAT I can live totally encapsulated inside my union with Christ. I asked for this … He has answered … He is still answering. Praise Jesus. Now I just need to keep submitting.
practiced a new way to hear
A really good friend who is interceding for me and who is right now going through some amazing teaching and time for mission work suggested I take some time to do an exercise that she has learned and practice so that i could hear what the Lord was speaking to me. Here is that exercise.
I've got my soaking music on. ( a special Spirit-led wordless worship music)
Told the enemy to leave.
Repentance. … nothing specific came up. I confess pretty regularly, so I confessed some general stuff.
Be quiet and still. ( Fan on with the music to block out the kids )
Picture Jesus. ( I pictured reclining with Jesus in green pastures by still waters )
Tune into the thoughts and pictures that alight upon your heart.
Write down what you in hear to this question:
God, how do you see me?
I got three things…. The numbered things below are the 3 very brief things I heard from the Lord. I didn't know what they meant … even still I am curious. The actual time I spent was short - I was super tired and fell asleep. But I did hear from the Lord … even though I heard from Him - there was nothing that shook my heart with revelation and new understanding … nor did I feel healed from it. But Hey, its always nice to hear from Him.
… Each of the 3 things I had to look up a reference to. They were references to things I heard months ago or in the case of the hymn YEARS ago. I listed them and then underneath wrote the 'commentary' that I later looked up.
1. reclining on a green couch looking at the rafters …
SOS reference 1:16 -17
"How handsome you are, my Beloved!
Oh, how charming!
And our bed is verdant.
The beams of our house are cedars;
our rafters are firs.
I listened to a Mike Bickle sermon series on Song Of Solomon for part of last summer… I went back and reread the notes for these verses … verdant bed … or lush green couch depending on translation has to do with resting in God and pursuing intimacy above all else which leads you to this rest.
The beams of the house refer to a house's structure of strength. That we will dwell with Jesus in beauty and strength forever. 1 Peter 2:5 … you are being built into a spiritual house.
2. Let Him kiss me with the kisses of His mouth (word) …
SOS 1: 1 … the rest of the verse...
for your love is more delightful than wine (this world)
I again referred to the Mike Bickle sermon series about this verse … it's a metaphor of longing for more intimacy with Jesus. His word is what proceeds from His mouth … His word is what tenderizes our heart and expands our capacity to receive His love and deeper intimacy.
3. this hymn - in fact this first line only … Jesus lover of my soul - let me to thy bosom fly
https://youtu.be/I5sde2JZrkY …. here's a link to the closest rendition to the version I know, its very beautiful. I highlighted the parts that stood out as I listened … the last verse was my favorite.
Jesus, lover of my soul,
Let me to Thy bosom fly,
While the nearer waters roll,
While the tempest still is high.
Hide me, O my Savior, hide,
Till the storm of life is past;
Safe into the haven guide;
Oh, receive my soul at last.
Other refuge have I none,
Hangs my helpless soul on Thee;
Leave, ah! leave me not alone,
Still support and comfort me.
All my trust on Thee is stayed,
All my help from Thee I bring;
Cover my defenseless head
With the shadow of Thy wing.
Wilt Thou not regard my call?
Wilt Thou not accept my prayer?
Lo! I sink, I faint, I fall—
Lo! on Thee I cast my care.
Reach me out Thy gracious hand!
While I of Thy strength receive,
Hoping against hope I stand,
Dying, and behold, I live.
Thou, O Christ, art all I want,
More than all in Thee I find;
Raise the fallen, cheer the faint,
Heal the sick, and lead the blind.
Just and holy is Thy Name,
Source of all true righteousness;
Thou art evermore the same,
Thou art full of truth and grace.
Plenteous grace with Thee is found,
Grace to cover all my sin;
Let the healing streams abound;
Make and keep me pure within.
Thou of life the fountain art,
Freely let me take of Thee;
Spring Thou up within my heart;
Rise to all eternity.
I've got my soaking music on. ( a special Spirit-led wordless worship music)
Told the enemy to leave.
Repentance. … nothing specific came up. I confess pretty regularly, so I confessed some general stuff.
Be quiet and still. ( Fan on with the music to block out the kids )
Picture Jesus. ( I pictured reclining with Jesus in green pastures by still waters )
Tune into the thoughts and pictures that alight upon your heart.
Write down what you in hear to this question:
God, how do you see me?
I got three things…. The numbered things below are the 3 very brief things I heard from the Lord. I didn't know what they meant … even still I am curious. The actual time I spent was short - I was super tired and fell asleep. But I did hear from the Lord … even though I heard from Him - there was nothing that shook my heart with revelation and new understanding … nor did I feel healed from it. But Hey, its always nice to hear from Him.
… Each of the 3 things I had to look up a reference to. They were references to things I heard months ago or in the case of the hymn YEARS ago. I listed them and then underneath wrote the 'commentary' that I later looked up.
1. reclining on a green couch looking at the rafters …
SOS reference 1:16 -17
"How handsome you are, my Beloved!
Oh, how charming!
And our bed is verdant.
The beams of our house are cedars;
our rafters are firs.
I listened to a Mike Bickle sermon series on Song Of Solomon for part of last summer… I went back and reread the notes for these verses … verdant bed … or lush green couch depending on translation has to do with resting in God and pursuing intimacy above all else which leads you to this rest.
The beams of the house refer to a house's structure of strength. That we will dwell with Jesus in beauty and strength forever. 1 Peter 2:5 … you are being built into a spiritual house.
2. Let Him kiss me with the kisses of His mouth (word) …
SOS 1: 1 … the rest of the verse...
for your love is more delightful than wine (this world)
I again referred to the Mike Bickle sermon series about this verse … it's a metaphor of longing for more intimacy with Jesus. His word is what proceeds from His mouth … His word is what tenderizes our heart and expands our capacity to receive His love and deeper intimacy.
3. this hymn - in fact this first line only … Jesus lover of my soul - let me to thy bosom fly
https://youtu.be/I5sde2JZrkY …. here's a link to the closest rendition to the version I know, its very beautiful. I highlighted the parts that stood out as I listened … the last verse was my favorite.
Jesus, lover of my soul,
Let me to Thy bosom fly,
While the nearer waters roll,
While the tempest still is high.
Hide me, O my Savior, hide,
Till the storm of life is past;
Safe into the haven guide;
Oh, receive my soul at last.
Other refuge have I none,
Hangs my helpless soul on Thee;
Leave, ah! leave me not alone,
Still support and comfort me.
All my trust on Thee is stayed,
All my help from Thee I bring;
Cover my defenseless head
With the shadow of Thy wing.
Wilt Thou not regard my call?
Wilt Thou not accept my prayer?
Lo! I sink, I faint, I fall—
Lo! on Thee I cast my care.
Reach me out Thy gracious hand!
While I of Thy strength receive,
Hoping against hope I stand,
Dying, and behold, I live.
Thou, O Christ, art all I want,
More than all in Thee I find;
Raise the fallen, cheer the faint,
Heal the sick, and lead the blind.
Just and holy is Thy Name,
Source of all true righteousness;
Thou art evermore the same,
Thou art full of truth and grace.
Plenteous grace with Thee is found,
Grace to cover all my sin;
Let the healing streams abound;
Make and keep me pure within.
Thou of life the fountain art,
Freely let me take of Thee;
Spring Thou up within my heart;
Rise to all eternity.
Thursday, March 12, 2015
bright moments
Since my last post I have gotten to do a couple of really cool things and I even heard a word from the Lord. None of these things seems to have fixed me … but they have been a part of a slow crawl out of this pit I have been in. I'm depressed… I think that's a pretty undeniable fact at this point. The numbness I feel in my spirit cannot speak any other truth.
The first cool thing I got to do was go to a Daring Creativity conference for a Saturday. I had no idea what to expect from it … I didn't even really know what it was, except that it was for soul care. I got there, paid, and then they asked us to pick 3 pictures out of massive piles covering 3 huge tables. They asked us not to think about it too much but just choose what speaks to you whether good or bad. There were all kinds to choose from: places, faces, words, images, women, children, naked people, plants, and on and on. They were taken from old books and magazines and just placed out on these tables all overlapping in crazy piles so you can look through them all.
I didn't really know what I was doing but chose an 40's looking dancing girl in a bright orange dress, a woman laying serenely on green grass in a beautiful red dress, and a beautiful grumpy women with flowers in her hair sitting by herself. I also snuck a few others … a black and white photo of lovely faced women from the early 1900's with a big hat on, and a black and white photo of a plain couch sitting by itself under some lackluster art.
Then we sat and listened to the leader share her story of how God revealed pieces of herself through making these collages. As she spoke I was certain that we had so much in common. Issues with food, self-worth, both counselors, artistic … and so many more things. As I listened I felt like she and I just understood one another.
Well then she set us loose to work on our collages … and really there is no rhyme or reason to it unless approach it with a thought in your mind already. The point is - your supposed to let it reveal your sub-conscious to you … so just do what calls out to you and prayerfully consider what goes where. I didn't know quite where to begin … but then just decided to grab a bunch more pictures and dive in - just putting things together that felt right. We had several hours to put things on our little boards and ate lunch and then after making them we had time to 'interview' our collages, and share a bit in a small group.
So I made 6 different collages. But for the reflection time I really only got to think through 2 of them … I chose the first 2 because they had the most gut reactions. Here is what the reflection sheet was like:
Interview your collage card. If the images could speak how would they respond to these questions?
Who are you?
When does this part of your personality/journey show up in your life?
How have you treated this part of yourself/journey? Do you welcome or reject it?
What does God want to say to this part of your experience today?
So I interviewed my first card that had 3 women on it … the women in red on the grass, the black and white woman from the 1900's and the grumpy woman sitting alone.
And my second card was the 40's dancing woman in the orange dress … I placed her on top of the black and white couch and at the last minute placed a big flower with a stem on it as well.
I was amazed - truly AMAZED at what God revealed through this process!! Not only was it so fun, and so energizing … but the things that God spoke were so encouraging! The Lord told me I was beautiful … and to be patient … that change is coming … that for the new woman to be birthed in me it must come out of this bleak and hard time … but there will be so much joy and fire and Holy Spirit to come! There is so much more but it is hard to put into words without the pictures!
I also had a really great conversation with the leader … she was super encouraging - and totally understood where I was in my journey. The Dark Night of the Soul. The Wall. She shared with me a book that I just bought and have yet to read, about the stages of our walk with the Lord and that just made me feel a lot less crazy and lost. I am sure I will write about that book soon.
The next thing I did was go visit a dear friend at her place in Alabama. This was just a great time to talk and talk and talk. My friend is a great listener, reflector, question-asker, and conversationalist. We had so many great conversations! And we got to decorate and shop and go out to eat! By the end of 5 days we were exhausted but it was so worth it! I think we truly encouraged one another and just got a nice break. And I just felt useful there. Perhaps its the break from the routine but I don't feel that useful here in my own life. So it was a nice change.
The third thing that happened was small but wonderful. I was at church this past Sunday and we were about to have communion. My husband was up on stage giving everyone the charge to be reflective, confess sin, and spend time before the Lord before partaking. As I sat there listening, I thought of a list of things I wanted to confess once I got the bread and wine in my hand. As soon as I went forward and then sat down … I wanted to start down my list. The Lord however, jumped in and would not let me! He instead said … I am with you … you are my favored one. I felt his presence in that moment. And then he gave me an idea I hadn't thought of … Mary the mother of Jesus was the first one to experience true union with Christ - because she got to have Jesus growing inside her body. They were one body during that time. I still don't know what that means or what I am supposed to gain from it but it's exciting that I get to find out.
So I still can't say that this depression has moved out yet … but at least there have been some bright moments in the midst of so much darkness. It encourages me even now to think back on it all.
The first cool thing I got to do was go to a Daring Creativity conference for a Saturday. I had no idea what to expect from it … I didn't even really know what it was, except that it was for soul care. I got there, paid, and then they asked us to pick 3 pictures out of massive piles covering 3 huge tables. They asked us not to think about it too much but just choose what speaks to you whether good or bad. There were all kinds to choose from: places, faces, words, images, women, children, naked people, plants, and on and on. They were taken from old books and magazines and just placed out on these tables all overlapping in crazy piles so you can look through them all.
I didn't really know what I was doing but chose an 40's looking dancing girl in a bright orange dress, a woman laying serenely on green grass in a beautiful red dress, and a beautiful grumpy women with flowers in her hair sitting by herself. I also snuck a few others … a black and white photo of lovely faced women from the early 1900's with a big hat on, and a black and white photo of a plain couch sitting by itself under some lackluster art.
Then we sat and listened to the leader share her story of how God revealed pieces of herself through making these collages. As she spoke I was certain that we had so much in common. Issues with food, self-worth, both counselors, artistic … and so many more things. As I listened I felt like she and I just understood one another.
Well then she set us loose to work on our collages … and really there is no rhyme or reason to it unless approach it with a thought in your mind already. The point is - your supposed to let it reveal your sub-conscious to you … so just do what calls out to you and prayerfully consider what goes where. I didn't know quite where to begin … but then just decided to grab a bunch more pictures and dive in - just putting things together that felt right. We had several hours to put things on our little boards and ate lunch and then after making them we had time to 'interview' our collages, and share a bit in a small group.
So I made 6 different collages. But for the reflection time I really only got to think through 2 of them … I chose the first 2 because they had the most gut reactions. Here is what the reflection sheet was like:
Interview your collage card. If the images could speak how would they respond to these questions?
Who are you?
When does this part of your personality/journey show up in your life?
How have you treated this part of yourself/journey? Do you welcome or reject it?
What does God want to say to this part of your experience today?
So I interviewed my first card that had 3 women on it … the women in red on the grass, the black and white woman from the 1900's and the grumpy woman sitting alone.
And my second card was the 40's dancing woman in the orange dress … I placed her on top of the black and white couch and at the last minute placed a big flower with a stem on it as well.
I was amazed - truly AMAZED at what God revealed through this process!! Not only was it so fun, and so energizing … but the things that God spoke were so encouraging! The Lord told me I was beautiful … and to be patient … that change is coming … that for the new woman to be birthed in me it must come out of this bleak and hard time … but there will be so much joy and fire and Holy Spirit to come! There is so much more but it is hard to put into words without the pictures!
I also had a really great conversation with the leader … she was super encouraging - and totally understood where I was in my journey. The Dark Night of the Soul. The Wall. She shared with me a book that I just bought and have yet to read, about the stages of our walk with the Lord and that just made me feel a lot less crazy and lost. I am sure I will write about that book soon.
The next thing I did was go visit a dear friend at her place in Alabama. This was just a great time to talk and talk and talk. My friend is a great listener, reflector, question-asker, and conversationalist. We had so many great conversations! And we got to decorate and shop and go out to eat! By the end of 5 days we were exhausted but it was so worth it! I think we truly encouraged one another and just got a nice break. And I just felt useful there. Perhaps its the break from the routine but I don't feel that useful here in my own life. So it was a nice change.
The third thing that happened was small but wonderful. I was at church this past Sunday and we were about to have communion. My husband was up on stage giving everyone the charge to be reflective, confess sin, and spend time before the Lord before partaking. As I sat there listening, I thought of a list of things I wanted to confess once I got the bread and wine in my hand. As soon as I went forward and then sat down … I wanted to start down my list. The Lord however, jumped in and would not let me! He instead said … I am with you … you are my favored one. I felt his presence in that moment. And then he gave me an idea I hadn't thought of … Mary the mother of Jesus was the first one to experience true union with Christ - because she got to have Jesus growing inside her body. They were one body during that time. I still don't know what that means or what I am supposed to gain from it but it's exciting that I get to find out.
So I still can't say that this depression has moved out yet … but at least there have been some bright moments in the midst of so much darkness. It encourages me even now to think back on it all.
Monday, February 16, 2015
the Giver
I think I've come to realize since my last post that when feelings are united to to the truth … THAT is the substance of faith.
To love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength. Everything is engaged - everything is united together. Your emotions and thoughts, your guts and your energy, are all fixed on God in total trust.
It sounds good. But all I can do is TRY to do this in my flesh and then watch my flesh fall short every time.
Then I think … But I have the Spirit … I should be able to do anything with the Spirit doing it in me!
There shouldn't be a BUT after that … at least that what it seems to me. With the Spirit we should be able to do all kinds of amazing things. Jesus even said we would do even more amazing things than he did (John 14).
BUT … I don't.
Instead, my daily experience is one of frustration and perpetual, redundant sin.
Yesterday was a bad day. The night before my husband reprimanded our oldest daughter and she ended up hiding out upstairs crying. Even though my husband was the one upset with her … she flooded out a bunch of stuff that I am doing wrong. This happened after a night out with my husband that left me feeling virtually crippled as we left Disney. My feet hurt so badly I was crying as I hobbled out. The kids were staying over with friends to give us the night off, so my husband was all excited for a romantic morning together. Except I could not perform. I obliged him but couldn't really participate. My heart just feels dead. So then my body feels lifeless too. Numb doesn't even begin to describe it. I ended up getting showered and dressed with a total feeling of worthlessness. The next day was Sunday - the night before was the thing with my daughter - and I woke up feeling wretched. I hate going to church like this … I can never lie about how I am feeling. The sermon was fine, but once again never answers my biggest question…. What are you supposed to do when you are doing all the 'right' things to be intimate with God - but He doesn't show up?
Our Pastor was talking about the Bereans … and how they were eager to study the Word with Paul and to ask questions and figure it all out … so our Pastor was encouraging us to be eager for the word. He talked about all the usual problems of just glancing at the Word and not studying and meditating on it. He even did a quick lesson on inductive study and Lectio Divina … both good tools. BUT what wasn't said was … WHO made the Bereans eager for the Word in the first place? That is a work of preparation by the Spirit. The Spirit led them there. The Spirit prepared the people. The Spirit made them eager.
So I am still stuck wondering how I can get unstuck. I have begged, pleaded, cried out, confessed and confessed again, studied, read books, read the Bible, prayed for myself, interceded for others, worked on being thankful, gone away by myself, talked with my husband, talked with my friends, asked for prayer … and all back again and again. I have even tried embracing the shame, and silence… letting it wash over me. And I have tried escape and doing the exact opposite of what I think are the right things. I rehearse the truth, I confess the truth, I have even counseled and encouraged others with the truth. I keep seeking, I keep asking, I keep knocking and there is no answer at that DAMN DOOR.
I laid in the sun today avoiding homeschooling … I did enough to get my kids started … and then went outside. It's the perfect Florida winter day. 72 sunny with a breeze. As I laid in the sun I just kept going over what I know. By the way this is after thinking of ways I could move away and become a hermit or join a silent convent or something like that. I was pretty serious too. But I laid in the sun saying to myself … the truth shall set you free…. Why don't I feel free then? What do I believe wrongly? I had already confessed my sin in the morning that I don't believe that I am fearfully and wonderfully made … and I know my soul does not know it very well. I confessed it again. I know I already have the Spirit dwelling in me - I don't doubt my salvation - but if He is indeed here … why does He seem so bent on not answering me when I call. Where is the help that God promises? I don't feel helped. I feel lost in emotions I can't control. I speak the truth to myself and confess sin and yet nothing seems to change - why? If Jesus did indeed die on the cross for my sin … why do I feel so condemned by it? I know He died for my sin … I know there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ … yet it remains!! I know I am united with Christ in God - I have been made one with Him. I died when He died - I rose in resurrection power with Him …. so why does THAT truth not set me free??????
My feelings have to be united to the truth by the power of the Holy Spirit. He must do this work. I have to keep waiting in this awful space - I just don't get why. And I don't know how much longer I can hang on. How am I expected to live faithfully here?
I played the piano … I am learning again. I picked 'Joyful, Joyful' to tap out and practice chords with…
here are some of the words from the first line…
melt the clouds of sin and sadness
drive the dark of doubt away
Giver of immortal gladness
fill us with the light of day
He is the melter, the driver, the Giver, the filler…. And I …. I am still waiting.
To love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength. Everything is engaged - everything is united together. Your emotions and thoughts, your guts and your energy, are all fixed on God in total trust.
It sounds good. But all I can do is TRY to do this in my flesh and then watch my flesh fall short every time.
Then I think … But I have the Spirit … I should be able to do anything with the Spirit doing it in me!
There shouldn't be a BUT after that … at least that what it seems to me. With the Spirit we should be able to do all kinds of amazing things. Jesus even said we would do even more amazing things than he did (John 14).
BUT … I don't.
Instead, my daily experience is one of frustration and perpetual, redundant sin.
Yesterday was a bad day. The night before my husband reprimanded our oldest daughter and she ended up hiding out upstairs crying. Even though my husband was the one upset with her … she flooded out a bunch of stuff that I am doing wrong. This happened after a night out with my husband that left me feeling virtually crippled as we left Disney. My feet hurt so badly I was crying as I hobbled out. The kids were staying over with friends to give us the night off, so my husband was all excited for a romantic morning together. Except I could not perform. I obliged him but couldn't really participate. My heart just feels dead. So then my body feels lifeless too. Numb doesn't even begin to describe it. I ended up getting showered and dressed with a total feeling of worthlessness. The next day was Sunday - the night before was the thing with my daughter - and I woke up feeling wretched. I hate going to church like this … I can never lie about how I am feeling. The sermon was fine, but once again never answers my biggest question…. What are you supposed to do when you are doing all the 'right' things to be intimate with God - but He doesn't show up?
Our Pastor was talking about the Bereans … and how they were eager to study the Word with Paul and to ask questions and figure it all out … so our Pastor was encouraging us to be eager for the word. He talked about all the usual problems of just glancing at the Word and not studying and meditating on it. He even did a quick lesson on inductive study and Lectio Divina … both good tools. BUT what wasn't said was … WHO made the Bereans eager for the Word in the first place? That is a work of preparation by the Spirit. The Spirit led them there. The Spirit prepared the people. The Spirit made them eager.
So I am still stuck wondering how I can get unstuck. I have begged, pleaded, cried out, confessed and confessed again, studied, read books, read the Bible, prayed for myself, interceded for others, worked on being thankful, gone away by myself, talked with my husband, talked with my friends, asked for prayer … and all back again and again. I have even tried embracing the shame, and silence… letting it wash over me. And I have tried escape and doing the exact opposite of what I think are the right things. I rehearse the truth, I confess the truth, I have even counseled and encouraged others with the truth. I keep seeking, I keep asking, I keep knocking and there is no answer at that DAMN DOOR.
I laid in the sun today avoiding homeschooling … I did enough to get my kids started … and then went outside. It's the perfect Florida winter day. 72 sunny with a breeze. As I laid in the sun I just kept going over what I know. By the way this is after thinking of ways I could move away and become a hermit or join a silent convent or something like that. I was pretty serious too. But I laid in the sun saying to myself … the truth shall set you free…. Why don't I feel free then? What do I believe wrongly? I had already confessed my sin in the morning that I don't believe that I am fearfully and wonderfully made … and I know my soul does not know it very well. I confessed it again. I know I already have the Spirit dwelling in me - I don't doubt my salvation - but if He is indeed here … why does He seem so bent on not answering me when I call. Where is the help that God promises? I don't feel helped. I feel lost in emotions I can't control. I speak the truth to myself and confess sin and yet nothing seems to change - why? If Jesus did indeed die on the cross for my sin … why do I feel so condemned by it? I know He died for my sin … I know there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ … yet it remains!! I know I am united with Christ in God - I have been made one with Him. I died when He died - I rose in resurrection power with Him …. so why does THAT truth not set me free??????
My feelings have to be united to the truth by the power of the Holy Spirit. He must do this work. I have to keep waiting in this awful space - I just don't get why. And I don't know how much longer I can hang on. How am I expected to live faithfully here?
I played the piano … I am learning again. I picked 'Joyful, Joyful' to tap out and practice chords with…
here are some of the words from the first line…
melt the clouds of sin and sadness
drive the dark of doubt away
Giver of immortal gladness
fill us with the light of day
He is the melter, the driver, the Giver, the filler…. And I …. I am still waiting.
Monday, February 2, 2015
feelings and truth
Yesterday at church I had a thought while our pastor was speaking on Acts 16 - where Paul and Silas are thrown in to jail in Philipi. Their feet are put into stocks after they have been beat up for awhile and their hands chained to a wall. They are sitting this way for hours and hours and what do they do with their limbs all aching into spasms? They sing hymns and pray to God aloud in their cell while everyone listens in.
My pastor is a great story teller so you learn, and grow while being entertained. The main question was how could they praise God while being in so much pain? … and they did all of that before God put the rescue plan into motion.
Then at some points he shares a FB post from his wife earlier in the weekend about her wanting to stop living the life they are living - It's all too much for me she said. In the post she wrote that her 'feelings were trumping her truths' that day.
Our Pastor took us through Philippians and showed us how Paul was able to live out the truth above his feelings … Jesus was just so much more important. What Jesus wanted in his life was just so much more important… so THAT trumped everything else … even horrible pain. To live is Christ to die is gain. It all seems so simple when Paul says it.
Our Pastor then began to speak of actually getting to know Jesus - not just call ourselves Christians - Yay - preach it! He talked about the spiritual disciplines leading us into intimacy with Christ. He took us to the verse that says the truth will set you free. All so we can learn the importance of having truth trump our feelings.
I don't disagree with anything he said.
BUT I think there is something even better. I leaned over to my husband during the service and said … It wasn't JUST that Paul let truth trump his feelings …. IT was that his feelings were UNITED to the truth. The 2 were in unison. This seemed like something from God as I was saying it.
I thought about this idea in relationship to my past 18 months of silence with God. I knew the truth. I never doubted that He loved me - or that He was working - or that He had a plan…. the truth was there. But the truth NEVER changed how I FELT about anything. I kept having to drag my feelings back to the truths to remind them again and again … THIS is what is true - feelings - get on board!
So what are we supposed to do with those things. Feelings are here for a reason - we need them to live a full life - to show love and devotion to God. I think of Piper and his slight change to the Westminster Catechism … what is the chief end of man? To glorify God BY enjoying Him forever. It is in knowing God and loving him with our whole heart that we bring Him glory. It is not beautiful obedience when its done out of duty … its a step in the right direction … but how much better when our heart is IN LINE with the truth. So if our feelings don't move to catch up with truth what must be done?
I don't know, but I am excited to figure it out and study it. Feelings united to truth … seems a good sort of thing to be in possession of. Sign me up.
My pastor is a great story teller so you learn, and grow while being entertained. The main question was how could they praise God while being in so much pain? … and they did all of that before God put the rescue plan into motion.
Then at some points he shares a FB post from his wife earlier in the weekend about her wanting to stop living the life they are living - It's all too much for me she said. In the post she wrote that her 'feelings were trumping her truths' that day.
Our Pastor took us through Philippians and showed us how Paul was able to live out the truth above his feelings … Jesus was just so much more important. What Jesus wanted in his life was just so much more important… so THAT trumped everything else … even horrible pain. To live is Christ to die is gain. It all seems so simple when Paul says it.
Our Pastor then began to speak of actually getting to know Jesus - not just call ourselves Christians - Yay - preach it! He talked about the spiritual disciplines leading us into intimacy with Christ. He took us to the verse that says the truth will set you free. All so we can learn the importance of having truth trump our feelings.
I don't disagree with anything he said.
BUT I think there is something even better. I leaned over to my husband during the service and said … It wasn't JUST that Paul let truth trump his feelings …. IT was that his feelings were UNITED to the truth. The 2 were in unison. This seemed like something from God as I was saying it.
I thought about this idea in relationship to my past 18 months of silence with God. I knew the truth. I never doubted that He loved me - or that He was working - or that He had a plan…. the truth was there. But the truth NEVER changed how I FELT about anything. I kept having to drag my feelings back to the truths to remind them again and again … THIS is what is true - feelings - get on board!
So what are we supposed to do with those things. Feelings are here for a reason - we need them to live a full life - to show love and devotion to God. I think of Piper and his slight change to the Westminster Catechism … what is the chief end of man? To glorify God BY enjoying Him forever. It is in knowing God and loving him with our whole heart that we bring Him glory. It is not beautiful obedience when its done out of duty … its a step in the right direction … but how much better when our heart is IN LINE with the truth. So if our feelings don't move to catch up with truth what must be done?
I don't know, but I am excited to figure it out and study it. Feelings united to truth … seems a good sort of thing to be in possession of. Sign me up.
Saturday, January 31, 2015
last night and this morning
I had a couple of thoughts last night as I was falling asleep to some worship music.
I am still longing to FEEL The Lord - to know His presence again. And as I was falling asleep praying for this - I felt like God said this: "When you are being pruned … and parts are being trimmed off… presence is harder to feel." Automatically we tend to look at and dwell on the part of us that hurts - whether it's from trial or from pruning. Pruning is cutting off bits of a plant that are not serving the greater end of the fruit… in fact it's keeping the fruit from developing more fully - pruning helps MORE fruit grow. Verse 2 says this, 'Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit.' I want more fruit to grow so I need to submit to this time of pruning and stop trying to fight what God has given me to bring about more sanctification. The silence is part of that. Perhaps is I fully submit - I will be less focused on the pain involved - and more focused maintaining His presence. And it all might go quicker!
The other thing that came into my mind was this … ' Open up each of your senses to my presence. ' As I thought on this more I pictured myself like the branch that had been trimmed. Parts of me are gone now and I just might be trying to eek presence out of places that no longer are even connected. So I laid there imagining opening my floodgates to let things flow again. I thought about my sense of sight being overwhelmed with seeing the beauty of God in the things around. That I could see the spiritual truths in the trees and the birds and the grass and the sky… whatever God might want to show me. Then I prayed for my ears to be opened to His voice. I pray even now that I can hear Him again in music, in His word, in the people around me. That His word and truth stand out more powerfully to me. I prayed to for my sense of touch to be enlivened to His. That I would feel Him all around me, that I feel Him near… closer than my breath. he is always here … He never leaves. He is all around me - He goes before, He hems me in from behind, He walks beside me… I felt like He said open up to the truth that I am ALREADY here. Next, I prayed for my taste buds! That I would be able to honor Him with the things I put in my mouth … That I would know what to eat and when - and be awakened to a new way - at least in my life - of bringing honor to Him by how I eat. I pray that I will be able to sense Him even as I taste and see that He is good to me - even as I eat. Then I thought of my 'other' senses so to speak … my mind perceiving Him… that my thoughts would recognize His above mine. That His words would become more obvious within my head. And I prayed for that spiritual 6th sense … the one that just has a gut feel - or can feel His presence resting in my chest to be opened once again. I realized as I am writing I haven't even prayed for my sense of smell yet! Lord, I pray I can even smell the sweet smell of your presence … open me. Lord, I pray too for my feelings … they have been all over the place - unrestrained - unfocused… May they focus in on bringing you glory and feeling your presence and less on self in general and specifically less on self pity.
Lord, open me up. I picture myself like a flower breaking open to you - and fully flinging back my petals - bent backward even - so wide that I don't miss anything! Crack open those floodgates to bursting! Let your presence flow in and through me - all around me!
Father, forgive me for being so resistant. For being so stiff instead of malleable in your hands. I have been afraid of being pruned … when I should have been rejoicing that You have come to answer my prayers for real change! I have been a difficult daughter, a whining child, an unwilling student during so much of this silence. Wipe away my sin of disobedience and reluctance and fear … which has all led to unbelief. I have struggled daily to believe this is for my good. That you were doing something that was making me new and better. I just wanted things like they were - But You have been pruning me to make even more fruit! I'm not going to pretend that this was all easy - walking in your silence sucked. Walking through my shame sucked. Not knowing what was next - not hearing you in the word or anywhere was awful. BUT Lord - I hope I am unclogged now. I hope you can show me the immense healing you are affecting in me. Teach me about what You have done in me. Show me what I am supposed to be up to next. Give me a vision for your beauty and majesty again. Allow my heart to soar in worship. Teach me more about my unity in Christ. Teach me about fasting and food and exercise. Teach me what of all this I am to use to edify others.
Lord I thank You and praise You for this gift of time away to sit in the silence. I praise you for allowing me to hear you again! I praise you for allowing my heart to worship. You are good - always. But this time away made it feel like you are even better than good!
I praise You because You are high above all things. My Creator. The One who knows all things - sees everything and always loves me anyway. Thank you for uniting me to Christ - and for showing more of what that means. I praise you because You are beautiful!
I left this mostly unedited … as it was a stream of consciousness.
I am still longing to FEEL The Lord - to know His presence again. And as I was falling asleep praying for this - I felt like God said this: "When you are being pruned … and parts are being trimmed off… presence is harder to feel." Automatically we tend to look at and dwell on the part of us that hurts - whether it's from trial or from pruning. Pruning is cutting off bits of a plant that are not serving the greater end of the fruit… in fact it's keeping the fruit from developing more fully - pruning helps MORE fruit grow. Verse 2 says this, 'Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit.' I want more fruit to grow so I need to submit to this time of pruning and stop trying to fight what God has given me to bring about more sanctification. The silence is part of that. Perhaps is I fully submit - I will be less focused on the pain involved - and more focused maintaining His presence. And it all might go quicker!
The other thing that came into my mind was this … ' Open up each of your senses to my presence. ' As I thought on this more I pictured myself like the branch that had been trimmed. Parts of me are gone now and I just might be trying to eek presence out of places that no longer are even connected. So I laid there imagining opening my floodgates to let things flow again. I thought about my sense of sight being overwhelmed with seeing the beauty of God in the things around. That I could see the spiritual truths in the trees and the birds and the grass and the sky… whatever God might want to show me. Then I prayed for my ears to be opened to His voice. I pray even now that I can hear Him again in music, in His word, in the people around me. That His word and truth stand out more powerfully to me. I prayed to for my sense of touch to be enlivened to His. That I would feel Him all around me, that I feel Him near… closer than my breath. he is always here … He never leaves. He is all around me - He goes before, He hems me in from behind, He walks beside me… I felt like He said open up to the truth that I am ALREADY here. Next, I prayed for my taste buds! That I would be able to honor Him with the things I put in my mouth … That I would know what to eat and when - and be awakened to a new way - at least in my life - of bringing honor to Him by how I eat. I pray that I will be able to sense Him even as I taste and see that He is good to me - even as I eat. Then I thought of my 'other' senses so to speak … my mind perceiving Him… that my thoughts would recognize His above mine. That His words would become more obvious within my head. And I prayed for that spiritual 6th sense … the one that just has a gut feel - or can feel His presence resting in my chest to be opened once again. I realized as I am writing I haven't even prayed for my sense of smell yet! Lord, I pray I can even smell the sweet smell of your presence … open me. Lord, I pray too for my feelings … they have been all over the place - unrestrained - unfocused… May they focus in on bringing you glory and feeling your presence and less on self in general and specifically less on self pity.
Lord, open me up. I picture myself like a flower breaking open to you - and fully flinging back my petals - bent backward even - so wide that I don't miss anything! Crack open those floodgates to bursting! Let your presence flow in and through me - all around me!
Father, forgive me for being so resistant. For being so stiff instead of malleable in your hands. I have been afraid of being pruned … when I should have been rejoicing that You have come to answer my prayers for real change! I have been a difficult daughter, a whining child, an unwilling student during so much of this silence. Wipe away my sin of disobedience and reluctance and fear … which has all led to unbelief. I have struggled daily to believe this is for my good. That you were doing something that was making me new and better. I just wanted things like they were - But You have been pruning me to make even more fruit! I'm not going to pretend that this was all easy - walking in your silence sucked. Walking through my shame sucked. Not knowing what was next - not hearing you in the word or anywhere was awful. BUT Lord - I hope I am unclogged now. I hope you can show me the immense healing you are affecting in me. Teach me about what You have done in me. Show me what I am supposed to be up to next. Give me a vision for your beauty and majesty again. Allow my heart to soar in worship. Teach me more about my unity in Christ. Teach me about fasting and food and exercise. Teach me what of all this I am to use to edify others.
Lord I thank You and praise You for this gift of time away to sit in the silence. I praise you for allowing me to hear you again! I praise you for allowing my heart to worship. You are good - always. But this time away made it feel like you are even better than good!
I praise You because You are high above all things. My Creator. The One who knows all things - sees everything and always loves me anyway. Thank you for uniting me to Christ - and for showing more of what that means. I praise you because You are beautiful!
I left this mostly unedited … as it was a stream of consciousness.
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