God is pretty dang cool.
A friend asked me to be praying for her last night because she was getting together with someone. I prayed for her but was soooo very expectant for good news. She texted me this morning with news beyond my expectations!!! I am so filled with joy for her. Truly my soul sang the chorus to All Creatures of Our God and King … Oooh praise Him, Ooooh praise Him, Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
The reason it was so cool was because God gave me a prophecy about this very thing happening … and NOW it is happening!!! And He confirmed the prophecy in another friend … and then too, in this dear friend with the glorious news!! God is so amazing and good. He turned this mess of a story into something so crazy and full of redemption that it is truly unbelievable!
So I am rejoicing with my dear friend who has so opened her heart to God that God is now showering blessings down on her. Not because she has done anything to deserve it … but just because HIS LOVE is so big and awesome and this is what makes Him smile!!!
This encourages me so much … that waiting for the good that God brings - that ONLY He can bring … IS INDEED worth the wait!
As I continue to wait on God … now I am waiting with expectation. He gave a verse as I was crying out to Him again yesterday. A friend texted me while I was praying with a passage in Hosea let led me to a passage in Isaiah … both were promises from God - that He is at work, He is up to something new!
...I will answer the prayers of my people.
I will take good care of them.
I will be like a green pine tree to them.
All of the fruit they bear will come from me.”
If you are wise, you will realize
that what I’ve said is true.
If you have understanding,
you will know what it means.
The ways of the Lord are right.
People who are right with God live the way he wants them to.
But those who refuse to obey him trip and fall. Hosea 14:8-10
I asked what He could possibly mean by calling himself a 'green pine tree' … and my friend and I texted back and forth … I looked it up in the ESV and it said 'evergreen cypress' and then went to do a word search. My friend said that cypress trees grow in harsh climates … I speculated that evergreen referred to God's unchanging character and then I read this:
When the poor and needy seek water,
and there is none,
and their tongue is parched with thirst,
I the Lord will answer them;
I the God of Israel will not forsake them.
I will open rivers on the bare heights,
and fountains in the midst of the valleys.
I will make the wilderness a pool of water,
and the dry land springs of water.
I will put in the wilderness the cedar,
the acacia, the myrtle, and the olive.
I will set in the desert the cypress,
the plane and the pine together,
that they may see and know,
may consider and understand together,
that the hand of the Lord has done this,
the Holy One of Israel has created it. Isaiah 41:17-20
Can I just tell you how thirsty I am? My heart longs all day for the Lord to break down the wall that is keeping Him hidden from me. I want Him to come and pour over me, and over me, and over me. I long for Him. I want His nearness - I ache for it. This scripture passage answered my longing right in the middle of my prayer … GOD said HE would ANSWER. HE will NOT FORSAKE.
Praise Him - He is so good.
And all of this waiting will have been to see His Hand do something AMAZING … that only He can do. My friends answer to prophecy speaks not only to her … but to me… it was revealed NOW - not just for her … but for me too… in this time… to bolster me while I wait … to keep me expectant - ready to watch as the Lord does the incredible. And I will be ready!
I AM ready!!!
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
Monday, September 15, 2014
a word from the Lord
I went to church yesterday but to a service I don't usually attend. It was nice to see some people I know but don't usually see … it's funny how that is at a church with more than 1 service. There was an older couple there (and by older I mean older than me - not too many grey hairs there!) that my husband and I have had dinner with once a few months ago. Super awesome people from what I can tell. I hoped that after the service we would get to have a conversation … but what I received was way cooler!!
The husband pulled me aside … with his wife there… and spoke a prophecy to me that the Lord spoke to him during church. He said this…
I saw a picture of you … you were in a group of disciples walking with the Lord … and your normal role with Jesus has been to be a scout… Someone who goes ahead of the group, to find food, shelter and the right path. But I see the Lord calling you back to himself… He desires you not to go ahead for now, but to be with the group of disciples back with Jesus … to learn and grow with them … and to receive instruction and comfort from the Lord.
Super cool - right?!!
I can't say that I was thinking about what was next for me … but I also can't say that I haven't thought about it somewhat. It's hard not to when you have moved to a new place, and you just wonder why God brought YOU here … what does He have for ME to do?
As I look back over my year I can definitely see God pulling me back. There has been so much isolation, quiet … though not necessarily calm for me internally … circumstances have been good. I can see how God has even kept things quiet in regards to friendships … there have been some women I have tried to pursue in regards to mentoring and learning from them, and yet God has even kept those at bay. It has not been until recently that I felt I can attempt to get together with some of them again. So we'll see what happens…
Anyhow, I am super excited to hear that instruction and comfort and nearness to the Lord are coming my way… THAT is AWESOME news.
*Hey friends … I am going to refrain from putting 'post' in my newsfeed on FB just because it seems to be drawing too much attention - and that was never my intention. I usually write a couple times a week - so if you do follow along feel free to just check in. Comments are always appreciated too - I would love to hear what God is stirring in all of you.
The husband pulled me aside … with his wife there… and spoke a prophecy to me that the Lord spoke to him during church. He said this…
I saw a picture of you … you were in a group of disciples walking with the Lord … and your normal role with Jesus has been to be a scout… Someone who goes ahead of the group, to find food, shelter and the right path. But I see the Lord calling you back to himself… He desires you not to go ahead for now, but to be with the group of disciples back with Jesus … to learn and grow with them … and to receive instruction and comfort from the Lord.
Super cool - right?!!
I can't say that I was thinking about what was next for me … but I also can't say that I haven't thought about it somewhat. It's hard not to when you have moved to a new place, and you just wonder why God brought YOU here … what does He have for ME to do?
As I look back over my year I can definitely see God pulling me back. There has been so much isolation, quiet … though not necessarily calm for me internally … circumstances have been good. I can see how God has even kept things quiet in regards to friendships … there have been some women I have tried to pursue in regards to mentoring and learning from them, and yet God has even kept those at bay. It has not been until recently that I felt I can attempt to get together with some of them again. So we'll see what happens…
Anyhow, I am super excited to hear that instruction and comfort and nearness to the Lord are coming my way… THAT is AWESOME news.
*Hey friends … I am going to refrain from putting 'post' in my newsfeed on FB just because it seems to be drawing too much attention - and that was never my intention. I usually write a couple times a week - so if you do follow along feel free to just check in. Comments are always appreciated too - I would love to hear what God is stirring in all of you.
Saturday, September 13, 2014
bondservant
I am reading a Mike Bickle book, 'Passion for Jesus', and so far its been fine… quite a lot repeats from the other book of his I read '7 Longings of the Human Heart'. But the most recent chapter is a summary of Song of Solomon… I have been listening to Mike Bickle's teaching series through SOS but in the last couple weeks settling into homeschooling I haven't listened to one. So it was nice to get the overview again.
But I am struck by a section I read last night referring to SOS 5: 6-8. The maiden in the story has been left alone by her Love aka The Lord …
I opened to my beloved,
but my beloved had turned and gone.
My soul failed me when he spoke.
I sought him, but found him not;
I called him, but he gave no answer.
In Mike's book he says the maiden is put to the test. The withdrawal of His presence is to test her and it's not because she was disobedient BUT rather BECAUSE of her obedience and DESIRE for full maturity!!! Hmmmmm.
The next 2 paragraphs say this:
Does she serve God for the good feelings that she gets from His presence, or is she willing to be His without any conditions whatsoever? Jesus does not simply want to be a stepping-stone to better things. He is to be our magnificent obsession.
It is as if the Lord is saying, "Let me ask you, My bride: Am I only a source for your spiritual satisfaction, or am I the consuming reason for your very life? Am I a means to your end, or am I the very end goal of your life? Will you serve Me if there are no spiritual feelings? When My discernible presence is gone, will you still say, 'I am your loving bondservant'?"
Soooo if I had read that last year … I would have answered YES - YES you are!!! I want You and You only. But now, after living a year buried under dry, dry dirt … I am less convinced that I would be right.
I truly do want Jesus only … but what have I done in His absence the last year? I have been desperately fending off an addiction to food, and an addiction to distraction… aka TV (sometimes other forms). These 2 things speak so clearly of my need to constantly make myself happy. That Screaming One inside who seems never to be quiet unless I feed her with my addictions.
So is Jesus the source of my spiritual satisfaction … I would say resoundingly YES! BUT has He been the consuming reason for my very life? On the outside anybody would say yes! All my friends would say yes, people I minister to - would say yes. BUT when the Lord was 'absent' this past year where did I go looking for life … food, TV … things that made me happy in the moment. If God wasn't going to speak than I would wait on Him - YES … but half heartedly. I would give Him some time but in frustration with what seemed an unending silence - food and TV were always there to swoop in and distract when I felt spent. I was afraid to let the silence hurt me all the way through, so I would take a break from what seemed so hard, into something really familiar and easy.
So if I still had God's presence resting on me would I have seen this desperate hole in my life? Probably not. I knew these things were a struggle, even addiction - even idols in my life… but they seemed manageable. I knew that when God 'came back' he would help me conquer them … as I still believe… but I would not have seen the DEPTHS of the problem. It's not even the idols - though they are evil and a total pain in the ass - IT'S what they are COVERING that is the problem. The Screaming One is just the guardian of the problem that I am trying to feed continually with distraction. That shame, deep pain, that extreme self-hatred needs to be healed …. BUT I am still too busy feeding her. She needs to starve, she needs to scream louder, and I need to feel it.
I have given up a lot of food for these 40 days (don't worry folks I am still eating something!), but I have not given up TV. I had rationed my time down to just a small amount, but man, all day long I was looking forward to those few minutes. It has got to stop totally and it can … unlike food. (I considered a total 40 day fast from food but realized that many things in my life right now made that impossible … such as homeschooling). But if I am being honest, I do not want to hit the 'publish' button above because then I am ACCOUNTABLE to actually doing it. It's hard to let go of the thing that has been keeping you company all year… when there have been only a few new friends and soooo much quiet from the Lord. I have NO guarantee that the Lord will show up and BE present! And I have to let the Screaming One - scream! And I will have to look into that black hole - which will totally suck.
But I want Jesus more. Distraction be damned. Whatever you will, Lord, I am your loving bondservant.
But I am struck by a section I read last night referring to SOS 5: 6-8. The maiden in the story has been left alone by her Love aka The Lord …
I opened to my beloved,
but my beloved had turned and gone.
My soul failed me when he spoke.
I sought him, but found him not;
I called him, but he gave no answer.
In Mike's book he says the maiden is put to the test. The withdrawal of His presence is to test her and it's not because she was disobedient BUT rather BECAUSE of her obedience and DESIRE for full maturity!!! Hmmmmm.
The next 2 paragraphs say this:
Does she serve God for the good feelings that she gets from His presence, or is she willing to be His without any conditions whatsoever? Jesus does not simply want to be a stepping-stone to better things. He is to be our magnificent obsession.
It is as if the Lord is saying, "Let me ask you, My bride: Am I only a source for your spiritual satisfaction, or am I the consuming reason for your very life? Am I a means to your end, or am I the very end goal of your life? Will you serve Me if there are no spiritual feelings? When My discernible presence is gone, will you still say, 'I am your loving bondservant'?"
Soooo if I had read that last year … I would have answered YES - YES you are!!! I want You and You only. But now, after living a year buried under dry, dry dirt … I am less convinced that I would be right.
I truly do want Jesus only … but what have I done in His absence the last year? I have been desperately fending off an addiction to food, and an addiction to distraction… aka TV (sometimes other forms). These 2 things speak so clearly of my need to constantly make myself happy. That Screaming One inside who seems never to be quiet unless I feed her with my addictions.
So is Jesus the source of my spiritual satisfaction … I would say resoundingly YES! BUT has He been the consuming reason for my very life? On the outside anybody would say yes! All my friends would say yes, people I minister to - would say yes. BUT when the Lord was 'absent' this past year where did I go looking for life … food, TV … things that made me happy in the moment. If God wasn't going to speak than I would wait on Him - YES … but half heartedly. I would give Him some time but in frustration with what seemed an unending silence - food and TV were always there to swoop in and distract when I felt spent. I was afraid to let the silence hurt me all the way through, so I would take a break from what seemed so hard, into something really familiar and easy.
So if I still had God's presence resting on me would I have seen this desperate hole in my life? Probably not. I knew these things were a struggle, even addiction - even idols in my life… but they seemed manageable. I knew that when God 'came back' he would help me conquer them … as I still believe… but I would not have seen the DEPTHS of the problem. It's not even the idols - though they are evil and a total pain in the ass - IT'S what they are COVERING that is the problem. The Screaming One is just the guardian of the problem that I am trying to feed continually with distraction. That shame, deep pain, that extreme self-hatred needs to be healed …. BUT I am still too busy feeding her. She needs to starve, she needs to scream louder, and I need to feel it.
I have given up a lot of food for these 40 days (don't worry folks I am still eating something!), but I have not given up TV. I had rationed my time down to just a small amount, but man, all day long I was looking forward to those few minutes. It has got to stop totally and it can … unlike food. (I considered a total 40 day fast from food but realized that many things in my life right now made that impossible … such as homeschooling). But if I am being honest, I do not want to hit the 'publish' button above because then I am ACCOUNTABLE to actually doing it. It's hard to let go of the thing that has been keeping you company all year… when there have been only a few new friends and soooo much quiet from the Lord. I have NO guarantee that the Lord will show up and BE present! And I have to let the Screaming One - scream! And I will have to look into that black hole - which will totally suck.
But I want Jesus more. Distraction be damned. Whatever you will, Lord, I am your loving bondservant.
Saturday, September 6, 2014
dry
I can't even say I am frustrated anymore. Trying to stay open and expectant ... and then just NOT receiving anything... just seems the norm. It's monotonous. As I think of it now - I just want to cry... but each time I try - nothing comes.
I woke up this morning just asking God to DO SOMETHING! I'll take whatever. Revelation of HIs Word, revelation imparted to my spirit, a whisper, a trail to follow, a thought, a sense - ANYTHING. Yet nothing comes.
Why does He continue to keep my soul closed off to Him?
I even ask for understanding of sin, understanding about what the Screaming One guards... EVEN though it will hurt like crazy ... I JUST DON"T CARE! I am tired of being stuck!!!
I read His word and it is still so flat. It is a distant voice. I read Song Of Solomon this morning as I woke up ... and still - nothing. It's a book filled with passion yet it does not touch me.
Seriously stuck.
The life of Fall has resumed and I have started homeschooling again. I am longing to show my kids passion for God and His word ... but there is none in me right now. I only have old passions to live off of ... and they are DRY. What is the purpose in homeschooling if not to impart passion for Jesus? So why?
I have begun a fast dedicated to the Lord ... I began the same day as homeschooling. For 40 days. Each day at lunch I have dedicated the time to pray, read, and be with the Lord ... and that too is dry.
I have done everything I can do. I continue to draw near. He must be near too ... because that's what His Word says ... yet He will not let me know it. How dry must I be before He will water me?
Water me please.
I woke up this morning just asking God to DO SOMETHING! I'll take whatever. Revelation of HIs Word, revelation imparted to my spirit, a whisper, a trail to follow, a thought, a sense - ANYTHING. Yet nothing comes.
Why does He continue to keep my soul closed off to Him?
I even ask for understanding of sin, understanding about what the Screaming One guards... EVEN though it will hurt like crazy ... I JUST DON"T CARE! I am tired of being stuck!!!
I read His word and it is still so flat. It is a distant voice. I read Song Of Solomon this morning as I woke up ... and still - nothing. It's a book filled with passion yet it does not touch me.
Seriously stuck.
The life of Fall has resumed and I have started homeschooling again. I am longing to show my kids passion for God and His word ... but there is none in me right now. I only have old passions to live off of ... and they are DRY. What is the purpose in homeschooling if not to impart passion for Jesus? So why?
I have begun a fast dedicated to the Lord ... I began the same day as homeschooling. For 40 days. Each day at lunch I have dedicated the time to pray, read, and be with the Lord ... and that too is dry.
I have done everything I can do. I continue to draw near. He must be near too ... because that's what His Word says ... yet He will not let me know it. How dry must I be before He will water me?
Water me please.
Monday, August 25, 2014
where am I?
I am not sure where I am.
This morning I woke up anxious about details in life. Homeschooling is around the corner … begins again next week… and I feel unprepared in my spirit for it. Unprepared to love my kids well through it.
But that is only some of it… the anxiety comes and goes quite a lot lately. It has made it hard to make decisions and feel any kind of peace about how I spend my time, or even what I make for dinner, or any purchases I need to make for the house. Everything feels 'off'. I never seem to know what I should do next. And while I am doing something … it feels like I 'should' be doing something else.
Last week on Monday I spent the afternoon locked in my bedroom - on my closet floor crying. I wasn't even sure what I was crying about. But it took hours to work through while my kids fended for themselves on the other side of the door. I JUST KNEW I could NOT be seen. I cried out to God for rescue or for understanding … really anything!! Finally after time I started to paint … just to put my mind on something - put my hands in something. Whatever God was doing it hurt on the inside.
It feels like God is rearranging me on the inside. Opening up doors in me that haven't been opened in years. Things that I would like to keep buried … but I can't if I truly want to change. In my last post I spoke about the Screaming One living within me…. I know I can not leave her there undealt with, BUT man, I really don't want to deal with her!!! The rearranging at times feels good and other times feels like I am being poked and prodded by a surgeon with no anesthetic. The wounds need to get sewn up and healed though… so I have to stay open.
I am thankful that God is moving …
Here's what little I know so far… as I continually wait on the 'break through' revelation of God. That piece of information that when spoken by God will make all of 'this' make sense… will make all of this worth it … it brings healing and repentance and peace. Man, I am longing for that moment.
The Screaming One inside me is a guardian. She is protecting something very precious and terrified, wounded and vulnerable in me. What exactly it is -- I am not sure. That is the revelation I think I need. But I think it has something to do with crushed longings in me.
I started reading a book by Mike Bickle that he suggested in his teaching series on the Song Of Solomon, its called 'The Seven Longings of the Human Heart'. I am astonished as I am reading it how little we talk about our longings. We spend way more time focused on our sin and how we can eradicate it. The problem is that many times I think, we confuse our God given longings FOR sin, instead of recognizing them as an actual NEED that must be filled with God and Him alone. So we end up confessing this NEED as sin to God … rather than asking Him to fill us up with a greater desire, understanding and fullness of the longing He has created in us.
Anyway … as I am reading it … the first chapter was about understanding our 'longing to be enjoyed by God'. I read it and feel like 'yes' I indeed have things to learn in this area … but that my problem lies not in missing that, or misunderstanding that, but that something in ME … on this side of the equation is missing. I think that is what this last year has taught me … that even though I felt buried … I KNEW that God loved me. It was the first time in my history as a believer that I did not doubt that God loved me … in the midst of trial. I think that what I don't get has to do with misunderstanding something about myself - or how I am created - or who I am - or how I have deceived myself in someway…. rather than a wrongly held belief about God. I think it's something like … I am too ugly, too sinful, I want to be beautiful for myself and my own glory… I am unseen or don't want to be seen…
anyway … it's still unclear. But everything seems to be pointing in that direction. This need to be beautiful/not ugly/seen whatever it is … can be seen in the way that I have tried to cover it. My struggles with weight and eating, not wanting to be in front of people, wanting to hide. It seems like a deeply held shame of some kind. Even the memories God has brought to mind … the time I was lost, and more recently remembering not even answering to my own name in Jr. High, because a more beautiful/popular Amy existed in school and they were usually calling out for her. These are the things that God keeps showing me.
My head is spinning … but I am glad God finally brought that word SHAME out … that is the word… now I just need to know WHAT it is. That is what the Screaming One is trying to keep hidden. It must be so painful whatever it is...
This morning I woke up anxious about details in life. Homeschooling is around the corner … begins again next week… and I feel unprepared in my spirit for it. Unprepared to love my kids well through it.
But that is only some of it… the anxiety comes and goes quite a lot lately. It has made it hard to make decisions and feel any kind of peace about how I spend my time, or even what I make for dinner, or any purchases I need to make for the house. Everything feels 'off'. I never seem to know what I should do next. And while I am doing something … it feels like I 'should' be doing something else.
Last week on Monday I spent the afternoon locked in my bedroom - on my closet floor crying. I wasn't even sure what I was crying about. But it took hours to work through while my kids fended for themselves on the other side of the door. I JUST KNEW I could NOT be seen. I cried out to God for rescue or for understanding … really anything!! Finally after time I started to paint … just to put my mind on something - put my hands in something. Whatever God was doing it hurt on the inside.
It feels like God is rearranging me on the inside. Opening up doors in me that haven't been opened in years. Things that I would like to keep buried … but I can't if I truly want to change. In my last post I spoke about the Screaming One living within me…. I know I can not leave her there undealt with, BUT man, I really don't want to deal with her!!! The rearranging at times feels good and other times feels like I am being poked and prodded by a surgeon with no anesthetic. The wounds need to get sewn up and healed though… so I have to stay open.
I am thankful that God is moving …
Here's what little I know so far… as I continually wait on the 'break through' revelation of God. That piece of information that when spoken by God will make all of 'this' make sense… will make all of this worth it … it brings healing and repentance and peace. Man, I am longing for that moment.
The Screaming One inside me is a guardian. She is protecting something very precious and terrified, wounded and vulnerable in me. What exactly it is -- I am not sure. That is the revelation I think I need. But I think it has something to do with crushed longings in me.
I started reading a book by Mike Bickle that he suggested in his teaching series on the Song Of Solomon, its called 'The Seven Longings of the Human Heart'. I am astonished as I am reading it how little we talk about our longings. We spend way more time focused on our sin and how we can eradicate it. The problem is that many times I think, we confuse our God given longings FOR sin, instead of recognizing them as an actual NEED that must be filled with God and Him alone. So we end up confessing this NEED as sin to God … rather than asking Him to fill us up with a greater desire, understanding and fullness of the longing He has created in us.
Anyway … as I am reading it … the first chapter was about understanding our 'longing to be enjoyed by God'. I read it and feel like 'yes' I indeed have things to learn in this area … but that my problem lies not in missing that, or misunderstanding that, but that something in ME … on this side of the equation is missing. I think that is what this last year has taught me … that even though I felt buried … I KNEW that God loved me. It was the first time in my history as a believer that I did not doubt that God loved me … in the midst of trial. I think that what I don't get has to do with misunderstanding something about myself - or how I am created - or who I am - or how I have deceived myself in someway…. rather than a wrongly held belief about God. I think it's something like … I am too ugly, too sinful, I want to be beautiful for myself and my own glory… I am unseen or don't want to be seen…
anyway … it's still unclear. But everything seems to be pointing in that direction. This need to be beautiful/not ugly/seen whatever it is … can be seen in the way that I have tried to cover it. My struggles with weight and eating, not wanting to be in front of people, wanting to hide. It seems like a deeply held shame of some kind. Even the memories God has brought to mind … the time I was lost, and more recently remembering not even answering to my own name in Jr. High, because a more beautiful/popular Amy existed in school and they were usually calling out for her. These are the things that God keeps showing me.
My head is spinning … but I am glad God finally brought that word SHAME out … that is the word… now I just need to know WHAT it is. That is what the Screaming One is trying to keep hidden. It must be so painful whatever it is...
Sunday, August 17, 2014
she
Ahhh. I don't want to write. I don't want to do anything but ignore my kids, curl up, watch some TV, and eat junk food. That is my favorite place to hide.
But the cry even deeper in me is to press into the crap I feel and face it. I keep trying to face it, but I'm not getting very far. It's' frustrating because I really just want to be done and move on. It's not happening that fast… so running seems better.
I hate my inner conflict. I look at my life and I think 'I should be happy', 'I should be grateful', I should be filled with joy', I should be SOMETHING … instead of constantly miserable. TRULY, my circumstances are wonderful. Nothing is wrong. YET on the inside - I always feel out of step, I always FEEL wrong. There is always something RAGING on the inside. I rarely to never feel good, happy, joyful, content …. or however you would like to phrase that to make it sound theologically correct.
And that is where my particular form of false worship is born out of. My idolatry is all about making me happy…. even if it's just for the moment. I want to be happy so badly. I want the raging to stop and for peace to come. So I go to my hiding places; food = instant pleasure, TV = a regular distraction from the internal noise and EVEN the rush of anger releases the tension for a moment.
It's not even that I WANT to be happy … I NEED it. Because inside me lives this angry, raging, lunatic. She screams out from inside regularly wanting to be fed the food of my idolatry…. and just to make it stop for a moment … I feed her. I feed her whatever she wants - just to make it stop. Because I can't live like that, with someone screaming on the inside all the time - so angry, so filled with pain. This woman on the inside hates herself. And the food, the TV, and the rage … quiets her down for a little while.
I say 'she' because I know that 'she' is NOT me. I know that I am declared righteous, declared free, made one in Christ… that is what is true. BUT she is still here plaguing me … and I can NOT shake her. I have been asking for Jesus to deal with this for a VERY long time. I suppose there are layers and some have been removed … yet there is still more…. and she remains.
I know there is some way to live above all of this. But clearly, I am missing something there too, because I can not figure out the magic words to open that door either. Don't mistake me, I know this all comes from Jesus. He is sovereign and has a purpose and plan to allow all of this. He also has a way out - He just hasn't revealed it to me yet. Clearly, my job, my lot in life is to deal with this inner conflict. Probably, just for the sheer fact that God wants me to help others deal with theirs.
Or maybe I am wrong … and 'she' really is me? Perhaps that is the misstep? She is a wounded inner part of myself that is yet unredeemed. ( nobody freak out … I know my whole self is redeemed ) But perhaps this part of me hasn't had her 'come to Jesus' moment yet. She is still stuck in the lie that joy in Jesus IS not just meant for others but to be hers as well. But why has she missed out? What is she missing or misunderstood? Cause, I just don't know.
I do know that she is guarding my most vulnerable places. The soft and tenderest parts of me. The ones that would get hurt the most if they were left to roam free. This is why it is soooo very hard to be encouraging, and humble, and kind. To answer in a quiet peaceful way. To please others first, to think of others before myself. To touch my kids with tenderness. To speak love over them. To feel joy and contentment. To just enjoy life.
I feel the Lord at work in deep places in me. I can feel Him burning in my chest right now. But what I desperately want to do is find a cookie, turn the TV on, and hide out. pray for me.
But the cry even deeper in me is to press into the crap I feel and face it. I keep trying to face it, but I'm not getting very far. It's' frustrating because I really just want to be done and move on. It's not happening that fast… so running seems better.
I hate my inner conflict. I look at my life and I think 'I should be happy', 'I should be grateful', I should be filled with joy', I should be SOMETHING … instead of constantly miserable. TRULY, my circumstances are wonderful. Nothing is wrong. YET on the inside - I always feel out of step, I always FEEL wrong. There is always something RAGING on the inside. I rarely to never feel good, happy, joyful, content …. or however you would like to phrase that to make it sound theologically correct.
And that is where my particular form of false worship is born out of. My idolatry is all about making me happy…. even if it's just for the moment. I want to be happy so badly. I want the raging to stop and for peace to come. So I go to my hiding places; food = instant pleasure, TV = a regular distraction from the internal noise and EVEN the rush of anger releases the tension for a moment.
It's not even that I WANT to be happy … I NEED it. Because inside me lives this angry, raging, lunatic. She screams out from inside regularly wanting to be fed the food of my idolatry…. and just to make it stop for a moment … I feed her. I feed her whatever she wants - just to make it stop. Because I can't live like that, with someone screaming on the inside all the time - so angry, so filled with pain. This woman on the inside hates herself. And the food, the TV, and the rage … quiets her down for a little while.
I say 'she' because I know that 'she' is NOT me. I know that I am declared righteous, declared free, made one in Christ… that is what is true. BUT she is still here plaguing me … and I can NOT shake her. I have been asking for Jesus to deal with this for a VERY long time. I suppose there are layers and some have been removed … yet there is still more…. and she remains.
I know there is some way to live above all of this. But clearly, I am missing something there too, because I can not figure out the magic words to open that door either. Don't mistake me, I know this all comes from Jesus. He is sovereign and has a purpose and plan to allow all of this. He also has a way out - He just hasn't revealed it to me yet. Clearly, my job, my lot in life is to deal with this inner conflict. Probably, just for the sheer fact that God wants me to help others deal with theirs.
Or maybe I am wrong … and 'she' really is me? Perhaps that is the misstep? She is a wounded inner part of myself that is yet unredeemed. ( nobody freak out … I know my whole self is redeemed ) But perhaps this part of me hasn't had her 'come to Jesus' moment yet. She is still stuck in the lie that joy in Jesus IS not just meant for others but to be hers as well. But why has she missed out? What is she missing or misunderstood? Cause, I just don't know.
I do know that she is guarding my most vulnerable places. The soft and tenderest parts of me. The ones that would get hurt the most if they were left to roam free. This is why it is soooo very hard to be encouraging, and humble, and kind. To answer in a quiet peaceful way. To please others first, to think of others before myself. To touch my kids with tenderness. To speak love over them. To feel joy and contentment. To just enjoy life.
I feel the Lord at work in deep places in me. I can feel Him burning in my chest right now. But what I desperately want to do is find a cookie, turn the TV on, and hide out. pray for me.
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
Song of Songs
Not much has happened since my last post…. with the Lord anyway. Lots has happened in life, like moving, settling into a new home and neighborhood, a visit from from my mom and step-father to help unpack, and pure crazy exhaustion. But with the Lord it is still quite quiet. There was one small thing though … I felt Him calling me to read the Song of Solomon again. I say again, because I had felt that earlier in the year … and read it through a bunch of times. I even got a book written by Hudson Taylor on it … but in all the silence nothing really clicked and I moved on.
I have to say all the silence is still very hard. Yesterday I was in a funk all day and I wasn't sure why but now as I wake up this morning I realize it's the silence. I keep waiting for the Lord to show up and surprise me, but to be honest my pursuit has slowed down so much. I am tired of trying, of waiting.
So I read through The Song again … a few things stood out a little. But I confess I just don't really 'get' the Song of Solomon. Intellectually I know it can be read to enhance marital love and enjoyment of sex … but I also know that it's meant to be read in a spiritual sense that escapes me totally. Every time I read an old mystic writer from the past they quote The Song. They talk of knowing God intimately through this book, understanding the depths of His love because of it. I JUST was not one of those who got it!!
But I have decided (just now, I think!) to camp here. A few years ago I camped out with the Lord in Psalm 23 for about a year - It was glorious. I read that psalm every day - many times a day, meditated on it, prayed through it, breathed it in and out to the Lord. He taught me a lot through that time. BUT at least I understood some of it - intellectually!! The Song is full of symbols I just don't get - and it will require some study. So I remembered hearing that Mike Bickle (International House of Prayer - Kansas City) has taught on this. I looked for his sermon series online and I have listened to the intro and first teaching. Already, I can feel the Lord nudging me… saying' Yes, A---- , this is it! Keep going!!'
I know the Lord is calling me to spend more time with Him … even though He is still quiet. As I was rereading Hudson Taylor's book - I realized I just need to get up in the morning and sit before the Lord - even if nothing happens. Read the Song and wait on Him. To me right now that sounds so painful. Submitting to more silence. BUT I need to stay open to whatever He asks… even this. Stay at the edge of the cliff and wait.
I have to say all the silence is still very hard. Yesterday I was in a funk all day and I wasn't sure why but now as I wake up this morning I realize it's the silence. I keep waiting for the Lord to show up and surprise me, but to be honest my pursuit has slowed down so much. I am tired of trying, of waiting.
So I read through The Song again … a few things stood out a little. But I confess I just don't really 'get' the Song of Solomon. Intellectually I know it can be read to enhance marital love and enjoyment of sex … but I also know that it's meant to be read in a spiritual sense that escapes me totally. Every time I read an old mystic writer from the past they quote The Song. They talk of knowing God intimately through this book, understanding the depths of His love because of it. I JUST was not one of those who got it!!
But I have decided (just now, I think!) to camp here. A few years ago I camped out with the Lord in Psalm 23 for about a year - It was glorious. I read that psalm every day - many times a day, meditated on it, prayed through it, breathed it in and out to the Lord. He taught me a lot through that time. BUT at least I understood some of it - intellectually!! The Song is full of symbols I just don't get - and it will require some study. So I remembered hearing that Mike Bickle (International House of Prayer - Kansas City) has taught on this. I looked for his sermon series online and I have listened to the intro and first teaching. Already, I can feel the Lord nudging me… saying' Yes, A---- , this is it! Keep going!!'
I know the Lord is calling me to spend more time with Him … even though He is still quiet. As I was rereading Hudson Taylor's book - I realized I just need to get up in the morning and sit before the Lord - even if nothing happens. Read the Song and wait on Him. To me right now that sounds so painful. Submitting to more silence. BUT I need to stay open to whatever He asks… even this. Stay at the edge of the cliff and wait.
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