Last night as I was trying to fall asleep, I realized that the next day I would be heading back to church. I hadn't been there in 4 weeks because we were on vacation. I was confronted with the fact that I hadn't really spent that much time with the Lord while we were away. Our vacation was full, too full. And though I relished reconnecting with many friends and family, it wasn't a restful, quiet vacation. And even when I tried to read scripture, it fell flat, as per usual for me this past year. I tried to read an Andrew Murray book, but it was too hard to concentrate. Prayers were usually just one cry -' Jesus '- as I awoke in the morning. Spiritually I am drained and spent.
As I was trying to fall to sleep I became quite restless. Annoyed with myself that I hadn't tried harder to spend time with Jesus. But honestly, I don't think I had it in me. I think I just don't have any more 'try' in me. There is nothing left to try - I have tried it all.
Then The Lord brought to my mind a memory.
When I was maybe 2 or 3 years old, my mother and brothers and I were at the Mall. And I got lost. I don't remember all the details and my mother remembers the whole thing very differently than I do, but I remember enough.
I thought I was right with my mom, right next to her. Suddenly, I looked up after what seemed an eternity of waiting for her to finish whatever she was doing with a sales lady, and she was NOT there. It was somebody else…
I didn't know what to do or think because I thought she was right there the whole time. Suddenly the tears of realization started falling down in great big sobs. I was lost. Mommy was no where. I couldn't see her anywhere. And I could not make it better.
I sat down on the orange carpeting under a rack of clothes and just cried. It seemed to be forever.
Finally, I was rescued by a kind lady who helped me find a sales clerk, who called security. My Mom came back and I was FOUND. I belonged again.
When my mom relays this story she told me that I was gone for almost an hour - an eternity for a child and a frantic mom. I had wandered from one end of the mall to the other - I can only imagine I thought I was following my mom somewhere. For much of that time however, I didn't know I was lost, I thought I was with my Mom, until I wasn't... and began the heaving sobs.
As I lived this memory again I wondered why God brought it to mind. And then this verse from Luke 11: 5-13 came to mind too, and I felt compelled to read it.
And he (Jesus) said to them, “Which of you who has a friend will go to him at midnight and say to him, ‘Friend, lend me three loaves, for a friend of mine has arrived on a journey, and I have nothing to set before him’; and he will answer from within, ‘Do not bother me; the door is now shut, and my children are with me in bed. I cannot get up and give you anything’? I tell you, though he will not get up and give him anything because he is his friend, yet because of his impudence he will rise and give him whatever he needs.
And I tell you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. What father among you, if his son asks for a fish, will instead of a fish give him a serpent; or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”
It was the second part that was brought to my mind about asking, seeking, and knocking etc… But when I read it … what stood out was the impudence part - it stirred thoughts. Impudence means to be bold, brazen, arrogant, obtrusive. The friend asking for bread was getting in the way of sleep! He was disrupting the man's whole household! So because of his brazen interruption - the man was welled up with anger - a anger that got him out of bed to get the bread so the whole thing could be over and done with, and he could get back to sleeping!
So I asked God "Haven't I asked? Haven't I been seeking? Haven't I been knocking? I have been impudent, brazen, AND bold! I have been angry, sad, and every shade in between! So why haven't I received? Why haven't I found? Why hasn't the door been opened? You are a good Father … but I FEEL like I have gotten nothing … though I am really glad not to get a serpent and a scorpion! You do give GOOD gifts. Truly, I have nothing to complain about in life… everything IS good. BUT you have set me to seek for MORE. To find FULLNESS in you… "
I fell into a fitful sleep with those questions on my mind. I got up this morning reluctantly to head off to church. I didn't really want to engage anyone and have the same conversations over again. I hoped that the sermon or worship would speak to me in some way - I am not sure if they did directly - but being in the midst of the body - The Spirit did engage with me.
The memory of being lost from my Mother that day came back to my mind. Except this time I saw The Father in the scene. I was wandering in the halls of the Mall lost not knowing it at first, and The Father was following behind watching. Then I realized I was lost, and I didn't know where to turn, I was crying, frustrated, and there was no one to reach out to. I really, really wanted myself to turn around and see the Father, but I didn't or couldn't. As the onlooker I was angry at God. Why would He let me wander for so long lost, crying, and alone? Why wouldn't He wrap His arms around me and say 'here I am, I'm right here!' ? In the image I was a little child … why - truly WHY - would He leave me like that? When He was there the whole time? No parent I know would do that. Knowing full well, that all I want is those arms around me, telling me I am with HIM.
I sat there thinking about this while I listened to the sermon. Our Pastor brought up Philippians 4 where Paul talks about being content in all circumstances. And I asked God … 'Am I supposed to be content in this? Am I supposed to learn how to live in this state of unrest? Really what is my problem anyway? Because there is NOTHING wrong in my circumstances, everything there is great… great husband, kids, new house, great family, heck I just had a 2 and 1/2 week long vacation!! BUT why then am I SOOOOO very discontent?
It's intimacy. There is no intimacy between me and the Father right now. I know He is here … but I don't feel Him here. I have no connection. I KNOW I am saved. I know I am a new creature in Christ. I can share the gospel with someone right now, and truly mean every word I say. I can even get excited about it for them, because I know there is no other way for them to feel true freedom, true joy in life. I know and truly believe ALL of that … but if I am not intimate with Him… THE JOY OF BEING WITH HIM IS NOT PRESENT… and the all - the good things, the right answers - all become stale. I am the little girl lost waiting to be found, waiting for the arms to be wrapped around me telling me I AM WITH HIM.
Our Pastor was up on stage talking about our freedom in Christ and that we need to lay down our freedoms for the Gospel and be the living sacrifices He is calling us to. YES - I agree. I want that. BUT I CAN NOT DO IT … not without INTIMACY. No one can. NO ONE CAN. It is the deep KNOWING that allows us to sacrifice… and that is an act of the Spirit.
Then the Lord took me on a survey of some verses… the Philippians 4 verse about contentment … can only come if we are truly intimate with Christ - truly ONE. The abiding of John 15 only happens when you are ONE, the sacrifice of Jesus only happens because of His ONENESS with the Father … John 13 says that because Jesus knew who He was, and where He was going … He arose and washed the disciples feet… and went to the cross. Philippians 3 - counting all things as loss - can only happen if we are truly intimate with Jesus - truly ONE. Each is empowered by the Spirit.
There is supposed to be feeling, right? I am supposed to KNOW when I am ONE with Him. Isn't that what Song of Solomon is for? To teach us about what oneness looks like! It is full of emotion and heat and love and passion and fire!!! So why don't I feel it? I have prayed for all of those things. I know what I have been declared … but that is NOT the same as KNOWING! Intimacy is being face to face, breath on breath, body on body. I know I don't have that… not right now… but I have had it before… and I don't want to settle for less. And I don't think it is unreasonable or unrealistic … this IS what He has promised. IT IS. That is what John 17 is all about. The High Priestly Prayer as some call it, is Jesus impassioned plea for us to be one with each other, and Him, and the Father.
John 17: 3, 20-21
3 This is eternal life, that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent.
20 “I do not ask on behalf of these alone, but for those also who believe in Me through their word; 21 that they may all be one; even as You, Father, are in Me and I in You, that they also may be in Us, so that the world may believe that You sent Me.
It is knowing this kind of profound intimacy - this KNOWING - this oneness - that is eternal life … and we get to taste that now… and there is always more to taste… more to KNOW about Him - know with Him.
So can I be content with less of Him? No … THAT is what is crazy. I have had so many people look at me like I am crazy for wanting something more. Something more of Jesus - like I am expecting too much, or expecting Jesus to be or act a certain way… but that is NOT it. I KNOW there is more. I know what He has promised. Contentment will only be born out of this deep down in my guts, face to face intimacy with Jesus. And this year of waiting, this year of being buried, was all about capacity - growing space for MORE. The waiting was about growing the longing, the need, the desperation for Him.
As we got up to sing our final songs this morning all of this was ringing in my mind. I could sense the Spirit working in me, and in others around me. I said a short prayer for the the people of my church to know this oneness - this intimacy - because THAT is what will change the world. I couldn't even really sing I just got up and wrapped my arms around myself and moved with the music. And then ever so quietly I felt the Lord reach His arms around me and whisper "I've got you… I am here." It was so subtle I wasn't sure it happened... until the tears came down my face… and I just knew…
He IS with me.
Sunday, July 13, 2014
Monday, June 2, 2014
pieces of a puzzle
I feel like my life is a bunch of puzzle pieces laid out in front of me. I don't understand how they could possibly all fit together because when I look at them - to me - they just do NOT make sense. I do not know what I am supposed to do with them, what my next step is, in fact, this whole year has felt like that ... just a lot of waiting. The Lord asking me to wait, and keep trusting, keep turning my eyes back onto Him.... no matter how confounded I am.
Here are the list of the pieces that I see...
- a dream from a friend who told me that I would come back and see her after I had been away, and I would be so excited - be glowing to show her a new way that the Lord had shown me to pray. In the dream I would then get on the floor and twist my legs up in a way impossibly beautiful and demonstrate.
- the Lord telling me that my restless leg syndrome and this dream are tied together.
- a dream that the Lord gave to me about rescuing captives, setting sex slave victims free.
- a long time of silence with the Lord, where He was quietly herding me into understanding that I was buried in the dirt with Him. Eventually, coming to understand that I am dead in Christ.
- That i only have ONE nature and not two. I am made new/alive/resurrected in CHRIST. I died with Him, but He is alive in me. It is no longer I who live - BUT he lives in me.
- That this skin - this body - is still filled with sin ... it is yet unredeemed, but my real self - my new spirit - is joined with the HOLY Spirit - is indeed united with Christ.
- That I still don't fully understand this union with Christ - but That I am waiting on His revelation to right what is still missing/misunderstood/still stuck in unbelief.
- In my body - my flesh I can not conjure up any of the fruit of the Spirit ... He must do all through our union
- That I am supposed to continue homeschooling ... so that I might be able to love on my kids the truths that the Lord is showing to me.
- That the lord has kept me quiet and isolated this past year for a reason.
- That the Lord has sent me tons of encouragement to keep pressing into Him even when it has been so hard and flat and quiet. That he loves me and continues to pursue me - work on me - even in the quiet.
- another dream from another friend - about the phonograph and phonogram. The graph plays the the things of the Spirit, while the gram records and is waiting for a new message of the Spirit. They are both sitting by the ocean ... which I have come to understand is His voice ... as described in the Bible - the sound of rushing waters.
- another vision from another friend about sitting at the feast of the Lamb - mouthless and confused - unable to eat the feast in front of me ... and the Lord shouting 'I want your appetite!'
- fasting thru Lent ... struggling against my idol of food/ pleasing myself rather than the Lord, hearing the Lord say 'I want you hungry' ... reading the Piper book and feeling like the Lord was leading me to fast and pray for causes.
- another vision from a friend about the feast of the Lamb ... this time eating and at peace - present with the Lord with a double edged sword on my right and a bowl of water on my left.... I was invited to the table like Mephibosheth ... his name means idol breaker ... she tied in my restless legs to this vision
- feeling led to pray before anytime I eat and ask whether I am to eat or to fast and pray ....( by the way I am struggling with this a lot!!!)
These are my pieces ... they feel big ... not even one feels minor to me. But I don't know what it all means. The Lord is still so quiet laying out all the pieces for me to see. When will He put them all together so I can see what it is all for?
I NEED revelation! Lord, I know I can not understand this without YOU! I am being impatient. I want to keep moving ahead to see the answer, but I know You will reveal it only in Your time. But my longing to live in Your fullness never goes away while I wait.... thus causing the IMPATIENCE! When I have tasted what is best - how can I ever go back to less and be satisfied? Yet I know you are in this ... and that You always lead us to a glorious destination ... where we see you more clearly. That is what I want. May Your name be glorified.
Here are the list of the pieces that I see...
- a dream from a friend who told me that I would come back and see her after I had been away, and I would be so excited - be glowing to show her a new way that the Lord had shown me to pray. In the dream I would then get on the floor and twist my legs up in a way impossibly beautiful and demonstrate.
- the Lord telling me that my restless leg syndrome and this dream are tied together.
- a dream that the Lord gave to me about rescuing captives, setting sex slave victims free.
- a long time of silence with the Lord, where He was quietly herding me into understanding that I was buried in the dirt with Him. Eventually, coming to understand that I am dead in Christ.
- That i only have ONE nature and not two. I am made new/alive/resurrected in CHRIST. I died with Him, but He is alive in me. It is no longer I who live - BUT he lives in me.
- That this skin - this body - is still filled with sin ... it is yet unredeemed, but my real self - my new spirit - is joined with the HOLY Spirit - is indeed united with Christ.
- That I still don't fully understand this union with Christ - but That I am waiting on His revelation to right what is still missing/misunderstood/still stuck in unbelief.
- In my body - my flesh I can not conjure up any of the fruit of the Spirit ... He must do all through our union
- That I am supposed to continue homeschooling ... so that I might be able to love on my kids the truths that the Lord is showing to me.
- That the lord has kept me quiet and isolated this past year for a reason.
- That the Lord has sent me tons of encouragement to keep pressing into Him even when it has been so hard and flat and quiet. That he loves me and continues to pursue me - work on me - even in the quiet.
- another dream from another friend - about the phonograph and phonogram. The graph plays the the things of the Spirit, while the gram records and is waiting for a new message of the Spirit. They are both sitting by the ocean ... which I have come to understand is His voice ... as described in the Bible - the sound of rushing waters.
- another vision from another friend about sitting at the feast of the Lamb - mouthless and confused - unable to eat the feast in front of me ... and the Lord shouting 'I want your appetite!'
- fasting thru Lent ... struggling against my idol of food/ pleasing myself rather than the Lord, hearing the Lord say 'I want you hungry' ... reading the Piper book and feeling like the Lord was leading me to fast and pray for causes.
- another vision from a friend about the feast of the Lamb ... this time eating and at peace - present with the Lord with a double edged sword on my right and a bowl of water on my left.... I was invited to the table like Mephibosheth ... his name means idol breaker ... she tied in my restless legs to this vision
- feeling led to pray before anytime I eat and ask whether I am to eat or to fast and pray ....( by the way I am struggling with this a lot!!!)
These are my pieces ... they feel big ... not even one feels minor to me. But I don't know what it all means. The Lord is still so quiet laying out all the pieces for me to see. When will He put them all together so I can see what it is all for?
I NEED revelation! Lord, I know I can not understand this without YOU! I am being impatient. I want to keep moving ahead to see the answer, but I know You will reveal it only in Your time. But my longing to live in Your fullness never goes away while I wait.... thus causing the IMPATIENCE! When I have tasted what is best - how can I ever go back to less and be satisfied? Yet I know you are in this ... and that You always lead us to a glorious destination ... where we see you more clearly. That is what I want. May Your name be glorified.
all good
Ok so the 15 days of throwing out my fleece to God are done. THE house - the ONE - the only one I felt God speaking to me about is indeed gone/sold... not for me.
I like the house we are buying ... and in many ways it is nicer and will be easier to deal with. The only thing I didn't like is that I could not HEAR God's voice saying it was the ONE. To someone else that may not matter ... they may look at a house and asses whether it met their needs and decided based on likes and dislikes or price or location. That is totally fine. Certainly, I looked at all those things as well, BUT what I wanted most was to KNOW that it was what God had for us.
So what happened?
I think I did. I say I think because I am not 100% sure, but am pretty darn sure. Here's what I mean.
When THE house - not the one we are currently looking at - came back on the market we had an opportunity to get it by VERY special means. I can not go into the specifics but it was going to be a very cool story. One that glorified God and we could share with others about His unique ways of providing. I was excited about that. So excited in fact, that when my husband asked me to keep my mouth shut about it .... I DIDN'T. I am terrible at keeping a 'happy' secret. I was bursting with excitement and shared it with family and some friends. While I was sharing with the ONE person my husband was very specific about ... I KNEW I should not.... But I went ahead anyway, ignoring that nudge. And there was more than one of those nudges that I ignored.
I believe it was this lack of obedience to God, this lack of submission to my husband, that God removed the blessing He had prepared for me. What did I want more than anything else as I looked at homes? I wanted His voice to be clear... and it was only clear in ONE house.
Do I think God is punishing me? No, He still is providing a home for us. And it is a very nice home. BUT it lacked His voice... the peace I sought more than anything else. The assurance that we were pursuing His desires for us. The Lord is disciplining me, showing me how important it is to listen in everything ... even if it is my husband asking me to keep a 'happy' secret for a time.
So what's up with the house we ARE buying? I asked God to stop it if it was not what He wanted ... and He has not done that. I prayed that I would receive peace if we were to continue ... and each day I get more. Do I feel like I missed out on that other house? ... Yes. Not because one is better than the other, or anything like that ... but because I missed out on the assurance of His voice and the crazy story of His glory that would have resulted. Now I have this story instead. Regardless, His plan is best ... and perhaps the plan all along was to learn this lesson... and so I am at peace with it. I truly believe He can and will use us wherever He has us, and so I am excited to see what unfolds.
I like the house we are buying ... and in many ways it is nicer and will be easier to deal with. The only thing I didn't like is that I could not HEAR God's voice saying it was the ONE. To someone else that may not matter ... they may look at a house and asses whether it met their needs and decided based on likes and dislikes or price or location. That is totally fine. Certainly, I looked at all those things as well, BUT what I wanted most was to KNOW that it was what God had for us.
So what happened?
I think I did. I say I think because I am not 100% sure, but am pretty darn sure. Here's what I mean.
When THE house - not the one we are currently looking at - came back on the market we had an opportunity to get it by VERY special means. I can not go into the specifics but it was going to be a very cool story. One that glorified God and we could share with others about His unique ways of providing. I was excited about that. So excited in fact, that when my husband asked me to keep my mouth shut about it .... I DIDN'T. I am terrible at keeping a 'happy' secret. I was bursting with excitement and shared it with family and some friends. While I was sharing with the ONE person my husband was very specific about ... I KNEW I should not.... But I went ahead anyway, ignoring that nudge. And there was more than one of those nudges that I ignored.
I believe it was this lack of obedience to God, this lack of submission to my husband, that God removed the blessing He had prepared for me. What did I want more than anything else as I looked at homes? I wanted His voice to be clear... and it was only clear in ONE house.
Do I think God is punishing me? No, He still is providing a home for us. And it is a very nice home. BUT it lacked His voice... the peace I sought more than anything else. The assurance that we were pursuing His desires for us. The Lord is disciplining me, showing me how important it is to listen in everything ... even if it is my husband asking me to keep a 'happy' secret for a time.
So what's up with the house we ARE buying? I asked God to stop it if it was not what He wanted ... and He has not done that. I prayed that I would receive peace if we were to continue ... and each day I get more. Do I feel like I missed out on that other house? ... Yes. Not because one is better than the other, or anything like that ... but because I missed out on the assurance of His voice and the crazy story of His glory that would have resulted. Now I have this story instead. Regardless, His plan is best ... and perhaps the plan all along was to learn this lesson... and so I am at peace with it. I truly believe He can and will use us wherever He has us, and so I am excited to see what unfolds.
Sunday, May 18, 2014
ONE NATURE - not two
I am still reading The Rest of the Gospel by Dan Stone. It's good REALLY challenging. The most recent chapter I am reading is all about our identity. Do we view ourselves as sinners or saints? Am I new creature or do I still operate from the old?
Ahhhh. I KNOW the answer. I know who I am DECLARED in Christ. I KNOW I am made new. BUT - BUT .... I also know that I sin - A LOT. And that no matter what I do or try - I still sin. I know I am not living in the fullness of the gospel. That I am not walking IN the Spirit. So how do I reconcile the 2 things... well I always believed that I have 2 natures. The new one - placed in me by God, Jesus living in me, the Spirit sealing me - directing me to live out the fruit of the Spirit; AND the old me - sinful and dead - always wanting to sin - the walking dead craving to be heard, seen and felt... my sin nature.
BUT Dan Stone disagrees!! He says there is only ONE nature and that the old man is truly dead - killed off by Christ's death on the cross. OK... what? Can this really be true? But then all I have to do is think about the most basic verse from when I was first saved to know that it is... 2 Cor 5:17
This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!
and back to Romans 6: 5-11
Since we have been united with him in his death, we will also be raised to life as he was. We know that our old sinful selves were crucified with Christ so that sin might lose its power in our lives. We are no longer slaves to sin. For when we died with Christ we were set free from the power of sin. And since we died with Christ, we know we will also live with him. We are sure of this because Christ was raised from the dead, and he will never die again. Death no longer has any power over him. When he died, he died once to break the power of sin. But now that he lives, he lives for the glory of God. So you also should consider yourselves to be dead to the power of sin and alive to
God through Christ Jesus.
Ok .... so what does this mean? Dan Stone says that we can only have ONE nature, ONE master, a creature/house can not be divided against itself. SO if the above verses are true - as I know them to be - then I now ONLY have ONE nature ... not two. I am a NEW creature ... the old is passed away - dead - I AM NEW.
I struggled against this. Because I see so much sin still within me - if my old man has been killed off - why is there still sin? I always considered the new man to be what I was BECOMING. I was becoming more like Christ as I shed off more of my sin/flesh and revealed the new man inside - the REAL ME. BUT I had to shed off the sinful flesh to reveal what was true on the inside. I GET that I was made new, but I only thought it was a HEAVENLY declaration.... NOT - NOT that it is the ONLY true reality .... hear me - THE ONLY TRUE REALITY.
So where does the sin come from? Sin does still reside in the members of my body. This body is left in the old state. It's members are not yet redeemed ... God has not given me my heavenly body ... so hence this body still has sin in it. BUT IT IS NOT - NOT - MY NATURE! Listen to Romans 7: 21-23
So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members.
I always thought that my flesh - was equal to my sin nature. BUT it is NOT. Flesh is equal to my BODY where sin still dwells, because my BODY is still unredeemed. It is wrecked with sin just like the rest of creation groans and waits to be made new. BUT my spirit HAS already been made NEW - I have a NEW nature and it is clean and pure, and united and one with CHRIST.
WOW.
Ok Father, what do I need to start confessing first because all this unbelief has been rolling around for awhile! What do I still have wrong? because I want to replace all this junk with faith in the truth - the truth of what YOU have done! The truth of who You are - the truth of who I am!!! I need your revelation so that I don't just get the idea - but so I GET the idea - wholly!!! So my soul feels it - breathes it ... lives it.
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
15 days
SOOO FRUSTRATING!!!!
Okay I need to vent a litte. I was all excited to get a house we have had our eye on... It was the first we put an offer on, but got rejected from. Then it came back on the market - at a lower price! - and we went after it again ... though it involved a strange less direct set of circumstances - it felt like God was directing it. I even had a prophetic prayer over the whole thing... While all those decisions were being made the house sold out from under us! ARRGGG!!! What? I don't get it God - seriously.?! That was the only house my prophetic gut spoke to me about - the ONLY one out of 30+ that we have seen. We even saw some with the exact same floor plan that I never had that feeling about. So what am I to do with this gut feeling - the sense that I felt at home right away in THAT house? It's not like it was even perfect - it needed lots of love.... so the whole thing leaves me wondering.
So we went house shopping again yesterday. You have to understand my husband is frustrated by now with the whole process and SOOO wants to be done. I do too - but I have to KNOW what we are doing is what God wants. We saw a house - great floor plan - similar to the ONE - but further out than we would like ... NOT in the neighborhood we were pursuing. My Husband loves THIS house ... it has a lake view - done - he is sold. We put an offer in. AND I start to panic.
Why? NO gut feeling at all. How can we buy a house if we do not KNOW it is what God wants????!!! There is no story of God's leading, no feeling about it , no nothing - we - mostly he just likes it. There was a bit of a cry and screaming fest for me and my husband as I told him my problem. He understands me, but he says he views these decisions very differently than I do. I have been trying to submit to his leadership through all of this ... first we were focusing on another area because of his sense about it. Then we moved away from that when we realized that was going to be too much money. Then we found a good spot - THE neighborhood of THE house - that seemed a good focus - not too far from the original area... truly the best of both worlds. Then I felt strongly about this ONE neighborhood - and this one house ... feeling like THIS neighborhood was the place to focus - my husband agreed!! BUT now this house - that we are offering on now - is NOT in that neighborhood - at all. My husband says God can use us anywhere. I agree He can ... but is it what He wants? I don't know. So I am trying to submit to my husband but he keeps changing his mind. I really just want to submit to God but He isn't loud enough!! So I have been praying for a sense of what to do in the middle of all of this....
Last night I asked God to do 4 things for me... 1. to stop our offer in some way if it is not the house we are to have. Either bad inspection, or some other unforeseen thing. and 2. that if THE house - the one I have a sense about - comes back on the market that we would jump ship and go get it quick - and the path would be smooth and straight. And that 3. - God would make all these things happen within 15 days ... the time in which it is possible to walk away from our current offer without any problems. And 4. - That if the current house is what we end up with - that God would provide an extreme sense of peace about it... even without the prophetic pieces.
So I am waiting. Not very patiently to see what happens. I am honestly anxious with so many fleeces out there flapping in the wind waiting for dew. God please be obvious.
Okay I need to vent a litte. I was all excited to get a house we have had our eye on... It was the first we put an offer on, but got rejected from. Then it came back on the market - at a lower price! - and we went after it again ... though it involved a strange less direct set of circumstances - it felt like God was directing it. I even had a prophetic prayer over the whole thing... While all those decisions were being made the house sold out from under us! ARRGGG!!! What? I don't get it God - seriously.?! That was the only house my prophetic gut spoke to me about - the ONLY one out of 30+ that we have seen. We even saw some with the exact same floor plan that I never had that feeling about. So what am I to do with this gut feeling - the sense that I felt at home right away in THAT house? It's not like it was even perfect - it needed lots of love.... so the whole thing leaves me wondering.
So we went house shopping again yesterday. You have to understand my husband is frustrated by now with the whole process and SOOO wants to be done. I do too - but I have to KNOW what we are doing is what God wants. We saw a house - great floor plan - similar to the ONE - but further out than we would like ... NOT in the neighborhood we were pursuing. My Husband loves THIS house ... it has a lake view - done - he is sold. We put an offer in. AND I start to panic.
Why? NO gut feeling at all. How can we buy a house if we do not KNOW it is what God wants????!!! There is no story of God's leading, no feeling about it , no nothing - we - mostly he just likes it. There was a bit of a cry and screaming fest for me and my husband as I told him my problem. He understands me, but he says he views these decisions very differently than I do. I have been trying to submit to his leadership through all of this ... first we were focusing on another area because of his sense about it. Then we moved away from that when we realized that was going to be too much money. Then we found a good spot - THE neighborhood of THE house - that seemed a good focus - not too far from the original area... truly the best of both worlds. Then I felt strongly about this ONE neighborhood - and this one house ... feeling like THIS neighborhood was the place to focus - my husband agreed!! BUT now this house - that we are offering on now - is NOT in that neighborhood - at all. My husband says God can use us anywhere. I agree He can ... but is it what He wants? I don't know. So I am trying to submit to my husband but he keeps changing his mind. I really just want to submit to God but He isn't loud enough!! So I have been praying for a sense of what to do in the middle of all of this....
Last night I asked God to do 4 things for me... 1. to stop our offer in some way if it is not the house we are to have. Either bad inspection, or some other unforeseen thing. and 2. that if THE house - the one I have a sense about - comes back on the market that we would jump ship and go get it quick - and the path would be smooth and straight. And that 3. - God would make all these things happen within 15 days ... the time in which it is possible to walk away from our current offer without any problems. And 4. - That if the current house is what we end up with - that God would provide an extreme sense of peace about it... even without the prophetic pieces.
So I am waiting. Not very patiently to see what happens. I am honestly anxious with so many fleeces out there flapping in the wind waiting for dew. God please be obvious.
Monday, May 5, 2014
I AM DEAD .... and it's such great news!!!
I am reading a new book. It's called 'The Rest of the Gospel' by Dan Stone ... it's a book I have been waiting for... not literally but figuratively. I didn't know it existed, but I have been wanting someone to write/speak about our union with Christ in real terms. I am thankful for the theological work I am also reading 'One With Christ' by Johnson about the same thing ... but theological works rarely 'do it' for me (they are too busy trying to justify their words the whole time - it's exhausting!!).
As I am reading ... the Spirit is burning in my chest! Can you believe it!! Presence. I am with Him.
The book is about what we are all missing from our spiritual walk with the Lord ... the question we all still ask at the end of our busy and hard days - those moments when you are finally quiet right before sleep ... the question that just comes ...where is the LIFE He promised? He promised we would have life and have it to the full ... so where is it? I have tasted it - and lived it for periods of time - but there MUST be a fullness - a lasting fullness - I know this is true because He promises it is true! So where is it????
Recently when I was with a group of women someone asked me what I was thinking about something we read ... I was so frustrated because it was this same thing again. All the promises of God are great - but they seem far away. What good are they then - if we can not feel them, taste them, live them?!!! I yelled out - "it is NOT enough - there needs to be more ... IT IS NOT ENOUGH! WE ALL NEED MORE! There needs to be more of Him."
I have been crying out for this since He took His presence away after my Summer with Jesus! That WAS it - I lived in fullness!!! I lived in fullness - because I lived in Jesus - totally immersed - totally encapsulated. I tasted HIM fully for 6 months - and those 6 months were the best of my whole life. He gave them to me because He knew I would need them to make it through this journey - this journey that has taught me how to die to self. To be filled with faith. To learn about the Spirit. To cast off idols. None of these I have done perfectly, and I am not done with any of it yet. BUT they have brought me to this place of KNOWING I can NOT do this without Jesus. I can not live the Christian life - I am incapable. He must do all. I can not think for myself. I can not live it out. I can not get my heart to love, I can not make my heart joyful, I can not make it come alive. I can not even fain happiness when I ignore God and pretend other things are important for a while. Without His physical/spiritual revelation being imparted to me I can not understand His word or what it means for me in my life. I CAN NOT DO IT.
These last few months the ones where God has been silent have sucked. I have hated them. BUT now I get them. I GET IT! They were me being buried with Christ. I spent Saturday in the grave with Jesus. I was under dirt ... the Father was quiet - everything was quiet - so that I could know this one thing......... I have DIED with Jesus.
This is something I had known for awhile - but in these last months I have lived it. Romans 6:3-4a 'Or have you forgotten that when we were joined with Christ Jesus in baptism, we joined him in his death? For we died and were buried with Christ by baptism.' I have a bunch of previous posts that detail everything that I felt during this time and everything that I thought Jesus must have felt. I can't even comprehend what it means for a triune God to separate Himself from Himself while Jesus was dead. I just know it must have been agony. As much as Jesus must have been frightened to be tortured on Good Friday - the pain of separation must have been what He feared most. Perfect union broken... perfect peace smashed, perfect love missing. I can't even fathom. Words do it no justice.
These 2 things are tied together - I can do nothing without Him and I have died with Christ. This time of feeling buried has been to teach me that they go together! This book has tied the 2 things together - listen to this quote...
"It is impossible for a person to know their union with Christ, and live out that union, if they don't know they have died with Christ. If I think the old me is still alive, I am still my point of reference. If I am still my point of reference, I am still trying to correct me, straighten me up, make something out of me, or do something to change me. As long as my emphasis is on me, it can NOT be upon CHRIST in me. So I am a divided person."
I KNOW I AM DEAD. I have been buried with Him. I have lived in the agony of separation, the silence. I know It was nothing like the Father and Jesus but it was enough for me to get it - to really get it. I am dead, nothing in me will ever be able to make this life work - I can never make my life full on my own.... So now it is time to learn about being alive to Jesus. One with Him - united with Him in His resurrection!
Romans 6: 3-11
Or have you forgotten that when we were joined with Christ Jesus in baptism, we joined him in his death? For we died and were buried with Christ by baptism. And just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glorious power of the Father, now we also may live new lives. Since we have been united with him in his death, we will also be raised to life as he was. We know that our old sinful selves were crucified with Christ so that sin might lose its power in our lives. We are no longer slaves to sin. For when we died with Christ we were set free from the power of sin. And since we died with Christ, we know we will also live with him. We are sure of this because Christ was raised from the dead, and he will never die again. Death no longer has any power over him. When he died, he died once to break the power of sin. But now that he lives, he lives for the glory of God. So you also should consider yourselves to be dead to the power of sin and alive to God through Christ Jesus.
I am only through 4 chapters but so far this guy has told me the story of my last few years - really the journey of faith... but most people don't talk about our sanctification like this! So I am excited to read more and learn what it means to be united and alive!!!
As I am reading ... the Spirit is burning in my chest! Can you believe it!! Presence. I am with Him.
The book is about what we are all missing from our spiritual walk with the Lord ... the question we all still ask at the end of our busy and hard days - those moments when you are finally quiet right before sleep ... the question that just comes ...where is the LIFE He promised? He promised we would have life and have it to the full ... so where is it? I have tasted it - and lived it for periods of time - but there MUST be a fullness - a lasting fullness - I know this is true because He promises it is true! So where is it????
Recently when I was with a group of women someone asked me what I was thinking about something we read ... I was so frustrated because it was this same thing again. All the promises of God are great - but they seem far away. What good are they then - if we can not feel them, taste them, live them?!!! I yelled out - "it is NOT enough - there needs to be more ... IT IS NOT ENOUGH! WE ALL NEED MORE! There needs to be more of Him."
I have been crying out for this since He took His presence away after my Summer with Jesus! That WAS it - I lived in fullness!!! I lived in fullness - because I lived in Jesus - totally immersed - totally encapsulated. I tasted HIM fully for 6 months - and those 6 months were the best of my whole life. He gave them to me because He knew I would need them to make it through this journey - this journey that has taught me how to die to self. To be filled with faith. To learn about the Spirit. To cast off idols. None of these I have done perfectly, and I am not done with any of it yet. BUT they have brought me to this place of KNOWING I can NOT do this without Jesus. I can not live the Christian life - I am incapable. He must do all. I can not think for myself. I can not live it out. I can not get my heart to love, I can not make my heart joyful, I can not make it come alive. I can not even fain happiness when I ignore God and pretend other things are important for a while. Without His physical/spiritual revelation being imparted to me I can not understand His word or what it means for me in my life. I CAN NOT DO IT.
These last few months the ones where God has been silent have sucked. I have hated them. BUT now I get them. I GET IT! They were me being buried with Christ. I spent Saturday in the grave with Jesus. I was under dirt ... the Father was quiet - everything was quiet - so that I could know this one thing......... I have DIED with Jesus.
This is something I had known for awhile - but in these last months I have lived it. Romans 6:3-4a 'Or have you forgotten that when we were joined with Christ Jesus in baptism, we joined him in his death? For we died and were buried with Christ by baptism.' I have a bunch of previous posts that detail everything that I felt during this time and everything that I thought Jesus must have felt. I can't even comprehend what it means for a triune God to separate Himself from Himself while Jesus was dead. I just know it must have been agony. As much as Jesus must have been frightened to be tortured on Good Friday - the pain of separation must have been what He feared most. Perfect union broken... perfect peace smashed, perfect love missing. I can't even fathom. Words do it no justice.
These 2 things are tied together - I can do nothing without Him and I have died with Christ. This time of feeling buried has been to teach me that they go together! This book has tied the 2 things together - listen to this quote...
"It is impossible for a person to know their union with Christ, and live out that union, if they don't know they have died with Christ. If I think the old me is still alive, I am still my point of reference. If I am still my point of reference, I am still trying to correct me, straighten me up, make something out of me, or do something to change me. As long as my emphasis is on me, it can NOT be upon CHRIST in me. So I am a divided person."
I KNOW I AM DEAD. I have been buried with Him. I have lived in the agony of separation, the silence. I know It was nothing like the Father and Jesus but it was enough for me to get it - to really get it. I am dead, nothing in me will ever be able to make this life work - I can never make my life full on my own.... So now it is time to learn about being alive to Jesus. One with Him - united with Him in His resurrection!
Romans 6: 3-11
Or have you forgotten that when we were joined with Christ Jesus in baptism, we joined him in his death? For we died and were buried with Christ by baptism. And just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glorious power of the Father, now we also may live new lives. Since we have been united with him in his death, we will also be raised to life as he was. We know that our old sinful selves were crucified with Christ so that sin might lose its power in our lives. We are no longer slaves to sin. For when we died with Christ we were set free from the power of sin. And since we died with Christ, we know we will also live with him. We are sure of this because Christ was raised from the dead, and he will never die again. Death no longer has any power over him. When he died, he died once to break the power of sin. But now that he lives, he lives for the glory of God. So you also should consider yourselves to be dead to the power of sin and alive to God through Christ Jesus.
I am only through 4 chapters but so far this guy has told me the story of my last few years - really the journey of faith... but most people don't talk about our sanctification like this! So I am excited to read more and learn what it means to be united and alive!!!
Thursday, May 1, 2014
for a cause!
Today is the first day I have felt led to fast for a cause! I woke up early and immediately began praying - that's pretty normal - but I usually fall back to sleep - today I was really awake! I felt led to pray through our house situation and did, then I felt led to pray for this cause that someone posted on Facebook yesterday - an article I didn't even read - just saw the headline of. Here is the link...
http://www.christianpost.com/news/christians-in-nigeria-ask-for-prayers-as-187-school-girls-still-held-captive-by-suspected-boko-haram-group-118570/
So these 187 girls are being held by an extremist muslim group ... who the officials think they want to force into marriage and caring for them. The girls are from the same christian village and attended a western type school that these men attacked. Their parents must be frantic - the girls overwhelmed and terrified. I felt God wanted me to help surround them with His protection and prayer, His angels and His comfort. That he wanted them all safe and together to feel His love and care for them. I pray they do indeed feel His great love for them. I prayed for the girls who are leaders to encourage and bolster the more fearful ones and that they would all be wise and clever as they deal with their abductors. I prayed for these men to see Jesus hand in these girls lives, see His power displayed in their midst, prayed that His name would be given great glory.
I hope there is news soon - truly I hope these girls are safe. I am fasting through lunch to pray for these girls.
I prayed also for the girls in the safe houses of LOVE146 as well - prayed for their healing and comfort and for their fear to be wiped away - for the Spirit to overwhelm them with His power to make them whole again.
Even though I can't say I felt the Lord's presence per se - I did feel Him directing my prayers - I knew just what to pray - just what to ask for. It was a great experience - the kind where time stands still and moves fast all at the same time. Where you KNOW work is getting DONE!!!
The Lord gave me a direct word for Phil and for our house situation as well ... I don't want to go into the details but He asked us to dream big and expect big things .... so now I am really excited to see what He does!! He gets all the glory!!!
http://www.christianpost.com/news/christians-in-nigeria-ask-for-prayers-as-187-school-girls-still-held-captive-by-suspected-boko-haram-group-118570/
So these 187 girls are being held by an extremist muslim group ... who the officials think they want to force into marriage and caring for them. The girls are from the same christian village and attended a western type school that these men attacked. Their parents must be frantic - the girls overwhelmed and terrified. I felt God wanted me to help surround them with His protection and prayer, His angels and His comfort. That he wanted them all safe and together to feel His love and care for them. I pray they do indeed feel His great love for them. I prayed for the girls who are leaders to encourage and bolster the more fearful ones and that they would all be wise and clever as they deal with their abductors. I prayed for these men to see Jesus hand in these girls lives, see His power displayed in their midst, prayed that His name would be given great glory.
I hope there is news soon - truly I hope these girls are safe. I am fasting through lunch to pray for these girls.
I prayed also for the girls in the safe houses of LOVE146 as well - prayed for their healing and comfort and for their fear to be wiped away - for the Spirit to overwhelm them with His power to make them whole again.
Even though I can't say I felt the Lord's presence per se - I did feel Him directing my prayers - I knew just what to pray - just what to ask for. It was a great experience - the kind where time stands still and moves fast all at the same time. Where you KNOW work is getting DONE!!!
The Lord gave me a direct word for Phil and for our house situation as well ... I don't want to go into the details but He asked us to dream big and expect big things .... so now I am really excited to see what He does!! He gets all the glory!!!
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