God of thunder

Psalm 18: 7-19
Then the earth quaked and trembled.
    The foundations of the mountains shook;
    they quaked because of his anger.
Smoke poured from his nostrils;
    fierce flames leaped from his mouth.
    Glowing coals blazed forth from him.
He opened the heavens and came down;
    dark storm clouds were beneath his feet.
Mounted on a mighty angelic being, he flew,
    soaring on the wings of the wind.
He shrouded himself in darkness,
    veiling his approach with dark rain clouds.
Thick clouds shielded the brightness around him
    and rained down hail and burning coals.
The Lord thundered from heaven;
    the voice of the Most High resounded
    amid the hail and burning coals.
He shot his arrows and scattered his enemies;
    his lightning flashed, and they were greatly confused.
Then at your command, O Lord,
    at the blast of your breath,
the bottom of the sea could be seen,
    and the foundations of the earth were laid bare.
He reached down from heaven and rescued me;
    he drew me out of deep waters.
He rescued me from my powerful enemies,
    from those who hated me and were too strong for me.
They attacked me at a moment when I was in distress,
    but the Lord supported me.
He led me to a place of safety;
    he rescued me because he delights in me.

I am watching and listening to a storm right now pass over my home. And the Lord feels present in this moment.

This summer has been so difficult. People keep asking how my summer is going and I keep not knowing how to answer. It has been a battle. My interior feels at war. It is hard to think, hard to concentrate, hard to read at times. It has been hard to praise, hard to listen or rather really to hear worship music. Praying has been nearly impossible... I keep trying to do all of these things but there is very little fruit - and it has been so discouraging. Others I know have been going through the same thing as me ... and though I do not wish this on them - I am encouraged to know that I am not crazy - I am not making this up ... it is real. My longing for the Lord is right and good, my desire for His fruit in my life is a good desire. Waiting on Him is good (but so hard).

But in this moment with these verses and this storm - the Lord does feel near. And it is easier to have faith that He does keep His promises and that He does indeed delight in me - that rescue from this whatever it is - is coming! God rain down your promises on me! You are the God of thunder! The God of this storm. Let me KNOW that You delight in me!

where I am

Psalm 13

O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever?

    How long will you look the other way?

How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul,

    with sorrow in my heart every day?

    How long will my enemy have the upper hand?

Turn and answer me, O Lord my God!

    Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die.

Don’t let my enemies gloat, saying, “We have defeated him!”

    Don’t let them rejoice at my downfall.

But I trust in your unfailing love.

    I will rejoice because you have rescued me.

I will sing to the Lord

    because he is good to me.

This is how I have been feeling. I didn't know how pent up it was until yesterday. I was watching a movie last night - the kind that seems light hearted going in and does not turn out that way. I was crying - and that opened up a gate in me. I just went downstairs away from everyone and wept. I cried out to God - begging Him to come and be with me. Come and give me all the things He has promised. I want to filled with the Holy Spirit, I want to love with His power. Love my kids with the fruit of the Spirit. I want to know what it means to abide in Him, I want to feel His rest, I want this oppression to lift.

I realized that I am angry with God for taking so long. For making me wait for so long. If these are the things He promises - then why don't I feel like they are present - no matter how much I ask, or how much time I spend with Him, how much I read, or pray, or seek, or press in, confess, shed other sin - why does it still feel so hard to love my family well - love to serve them? Why is eating so hard? Aren't these the things He wants for me?

Then as I was confessing my sin this morning - my demanding Spirit, my lack of patience and faith. I reread this article by Arthur Pink ... about God's power - this always seems to set my heart to it's rightful place. 

Here is the link: http://www.pbministries.org/books/pink/Attributes/attrib_09.htm

please

I am bored of writing the same thing. Wondering when you are going to show up God! I am tired, it's hard to concentrate, by body hurts, I feel oppressed.

I keep trying to do the right things - read your word, pray, sing praises to You, ask You to examine me,  - everything feels really hard right now. No matter what I do - You still seem so distant. I know you never leave. But this sucks. I know that just because I am doing all the things I am supposed to do - does not mean that You will show yourself like I want You to. But something - anything - would be nice.

Where is the rest? Where is the fruit of Your Spirit? Why do you make me wait so long? I hate waiting. My sin still feels bigger than Your power - I know that is a lie ... it just feels true right now. There is so much unrest in me.

God I have been crying out for 2 years now - longing for peace - longing for You to rescue... when will it come? So many authors I read keep encouraging me - to keep my faith and wait patiently. The Lord will come and reveal himself - stay focused - keep worshipping... but it is exhausting! I am tired and loosing hope.

Please come ... please.

repent

Most of my posts I have withheld lately. I have been preoccupied with planning a retreat, camping with my family and a whole bunch of stuff before that. And my thoughts seemed too overwhelming to share.

I just finished reading 'If I Perish' by Esther Ahn Kim. I first read a blurb about her in Francis Chan's book, 'The Forgotten God'.

I am completely humbled by her amazing faith. I even feel like I need to repent from my small faith. She went through so much in her life to stand up for Jesus ... running from the law, speaking out to government officials to warn them, imprisonment, torture, starvation. She was constantly fasting, praying, thanking, praising, giving, loving. She knew her weakness before God and her great need for Him.

I can barely speak out for fear that I might get mocked or even just thought of as weird. I am small and weak ... there is nothing in this flesh God that is good God. Breathe life into me - shine through me. Use me for something good. I want a big faith ... a life that is filled with much fruit ... to bring You praise.

Even as I write this I am afraid. What will You require of me?

Be with me ... and I might not care.

more

From Andrew Murray:

... This very day speak the word: 'Cost what it may, I will have this blessing.' Jesus is surety that you will have power to abandon everything. Express your decision in the presence of God with confidence and perseverance. Repeat it before your own conscience and say 'I am a purchaser of the Pearl of great price: I have offered everything to obtain the full blessing of Pentecost. I have said to God that I must, I will have it. By this decision I abide. I must, I will have it.

I prayed this prayer today - asking the Lord to fill me - and to give me the power to abandon everything else in life - excepting Him.

A Colloquy of Rejoicing - Valley of Vision - this was meaningful today.


Remember, O My Soul,
It is thy duty and privilege to rejoice in God:
He requires it of thee for all his favours of grace.
Rejoice then in the Giver and his goodness,
Be happy in him, O my heart, and in nothing but God,
for whatever a man trusts in,
from that he expects happiness.

He who is the ground of thy faith
should be the substance of thy joy.
Whence then come heaviness and dejection,
when joy is sown in thee,
promised by the Father,
bestowed by the Son,
inwrought by the Holy Spirit,
thine by grace,
thy birthright in believing?

Art thou seeking to rejoice in thyself
from an evil motive of pride and self-reputation?
Thou hast nothing of thine own but sin,
nothing to move God to be gracious,
or to continue his grace towards thee.
If thou forget this thou wilt lose thy joy.
Art thou grieving under a sense of indwelling sin?
Let godly sorrow work repentance,
as the true spirit which the Lord blesses,
and which creates fullest joy;
Sorrow for self opens rejoicing in God,
Self-loathing draws down divine delights.
Hast thou sought joys in some creature comfort?
Look not below God for happiness;
fall not asleep in Delilah’s lap.
Let God be all in all to thee, and joy in the fountain that is always full.

let go

Oh how I want to be filled up with You, Lord. How I am longing to feel You near, Your presence strong - to feel You burning in my chest.

I am exhausted, and trying to live out life in my flesh is painful. And it is useless. I want nothing more than to be totally surrendered to You.

Please accept this offering, Lord. I know I am small and broken. Use me as you see fit.

I want to love with your love, I want to give with Your gifts, I want to speak with Your words, I want to worship with Your breath.

Help me to let go. Teach me to abide. May I rest totally in You.

pressing in

pressing in, pressing in... longing for His overcoming power in me.
Some things that have been meaningful the last few days...

Exodus 14:13,14 ... the Lord keeps bringing this verse to me...

But Moses told the people, “Don’t be afraid. Just stand still and watch the Lord rescue you today. The Egyptians you see today will never be seen again. The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.”

From the Valley of Vision...

Morning

Compassionate Lord, Thy mercies have brought me to the dawn of another day. Vain will be its gift unless I grow in grace, increase in knowledge, ripen for spiritual harvest. Let me this day know Thee as Thou art, love Thee supremely, serve Thee wholly, admire Thee fully. Through grace let my will respond to Thee, knowing that power to obey is not in me, but that Thy free love alone enables me to serve Thee. Here then is my empty heart, overflow it with Thy choicest gifts; here is my blind understanding, chase away its mists of ignorance.

O ever watchful Shepherd, lead, guide, tend me this day; without Thy restraining rod I err and stray. Hedge up my path lest I wander into unwholesome pleasure, and drink its poisonous streams; direct my feet that I be not entangled in Satan's secret snares, nor fall into his hidden traps. Defend me from assailing foes, from evil circumstances, from myself. My adversaries are part and parcel of my nature; they cling to me as my very skin; I cannot escape their contact. In my rising up and sitting down they barnacle me; they entice with constant baits; my enemy is within the citadel. Come with almighty power and cast him out, pierce him to death, and abolish in me every particle of carnal life this day.

and from The Personal Touch

... may I lay at they feet these fruits grown
  in thy garden,
  love thee with a passion that can never cool,
  believe in thee with a confidence that never
    staggers,
  hope in thee with an expectation that can never
    be dim,
  delight in thee with a rejoicing that can never
    be stifled,
  glorify thee with the highest of my powers,
    burning, blazing, glowing, radiating, as from
    thy own glory.