transformation

Last week during the spiritual disciplines group that I lead ... while we did Lectio Divina on a passage from Luke 9 about the transfiguration ... I had a funny thought occur that I don't think was my own. It felt like the Lord lead my thoughts as if I was going up the mountain with Jesus... and that the Lord was telling me deep in my heart that when I go to the Potter's Inn ... which is up on a mountain in Colorado... that I will be entering into a time of transformation. The passage says, "and when they became fully awake they saw His glory." I didn't spend much time thinking about it ... but it did stir a little bit of hope in me.

Later that week I wanted to dig into that passage again, so on Sunday I attempted doing Lectio on my own ... but this time it was a big fat blank ... like most other times that I attempted to dig into the word without a community around me. Community has made all the difference during the last year or year and a half of my Dark Night. Most of the times that I have heard from the Lord, or experienced Him in any way have been amongst other believers. I am not sure the I understand the fullness of that but nonetheless it seems to be how God has chosen to work in this season. So in my big fat blank I became frustrated again - almost resigned in my heart - that for some reason I just don't get to be intimate with Him right now - end of story - and I just have to keep on waiting.

So today, I decided to have some time to myself and do some reading. Currently, I am reading Soul Feast by Marjorie J. Thompson and I was reading about Lectio of all things. Suddenly, out of no where a verse that she quoted jumped off the page at me, "Speak, Lord, your servant is listening," from 1 Samuel 3:10. It was what Eli told Samuel when He was a small boy hearing the Lord's voice for the first time. OK - so scripture just doesn't do that to me right now ... so I asked the Lord - am I NOT listening? Then I noticed on the side of the page a quote that said,

"Read with a vulnerable heart. EXPECT to be blessed in the reading. Read as one AWAKE, one WAITING for the Beloved. Read with reverence." -Macrina Wiederkehr.

And I realized that I am STILL not expecting the Lord to show up when I put myself before Him. I am afraid - I am afraid that He is not coming, that I will be disappointed again, that I will have to wait more years for Him to come and get me out of this Dark Night ... I don't want that long long long space between drips anymore, so I don't even put my face under the faucet. I have stopped expecting the Lord to show up. So I instantly began confessing my fear ... and I set my heart to praying through the unbelief that I have stored up in this space ... and then I realized there is something even deeper that the fear was covering over. I asked the Lord what it was, and then I read a little further ... I got to this quote by Brother Lawrence,

"God has infinite treasures to give us. Yet a little tangible devotion, which passes away in a moment, seems to satisfy us. How blind we are, since in this way we tie God's hands, and we STOP the abundance of His grace! But when He finds a soul penetrated with LIVING FAITH, He pours out grace on it with abundance. God's grace is like a TORRENT. When it is stopped from taking its ordinary course, it looks for another outlet, and when it finds one, it spreads out with impetuosity and abundance."

While I read this I had a picture in my mind of me standing on a rock in a huge waterfall - water rushing on my right, on my left, that wild torrent... and yet it was passing me by. I had stopped it from  flowing over me, in me, through me... but that power - that torrent - was there - available - but I was missing it.

I prayed again... confessing my fear, my unbelief, and God impressed upon me again that this was just the surface and there was something deeper. I asked again, "Speak, Lord, your servant is listening." And He showed me a scene from an old Star Trek Voyager episode.... OK... well that's a little bit weird. It was an episode where one of the characters - Kes - basically transformed and became something totally new. She was like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly. AND then the Lord reminded me of a movie I haven't seen in ages called The Abyss ... and at the end the main character goes down into the Abyss and meets a spectacular glowing alien race and is saved. OK. Again a bit weird. As I continued to listen in prayer I realized that the Lord was revealing my deeper fear - a complete unrecognizable transformation - that's what I am really afraid of. But at the same time telling me that - that is exactly where He is taking me - DEEP - into a total transformation. This prayer experience wiped away all of my fear. And my heart unclenched and released itself to the Lord and just said,"yes."

I went and found that episode of Star Trek and watched the parts where Kes begins and then finishes her transformation. I found myself wanting to be her ... wanting to let go... wanting to be free and fly. I am ready to be on the mountain with You, Lord. "Speak, Lord, your servant is listening."