the opposite of shame is ...

Its been a long while. Ive been busy with the kids and school but beyond that my computer never seems to be in my possession anymore! Today I am locked away in my room for some quiet time with the Lord. And it is still quiet. The Lord has shifted some things -- my heart feels glad, I have a couple of things that I get to 'do' now ... but HE is still quite quiet. I figured finally though, that perhaps I just need to walk into the quiet and be quiet with Him. Even a few months ago I would not have chosen to do this... it felt too frustrating and disappointing and I had a lot of fear bound up in not being 'met' with. I think that fear is gone - or been pushed aside? - because now I just want to put myself where God is MOST LIKELY to show up. And now I have an expectation that He just might show up, maybe it's because of some stirrings of late. Ideas are flowing more readily, scripture feels a little more 'something' then it did in the recent past. Music is grazing my soul more easily. It's just not full yet... it still doesn't feel like intimacy yet... I'm still waiting for that connection.

But here is what I've been thinking about for awhile now... and became especially prevelant in the last month. We had a women's retreat at our church ... and the speaker - though not awesome - had a couple of good things to contribute. The first night somehow I went back to thinking about shame. This topic has been much on my mind all throughout my dark night. I as I sat there not really listening I just kept praying about what the opposite of shame is. I kept asking God and trying to think through Genesis working the problem over and over in my mind. I've done some reading on shame over the last 3 years - some of which I agree with - some not so much. But one thing in all my study and thought is the realization that shame is the FEELING that comes from our sin. It is a consequence of sin. We (and by we I mean the church at large generally) just lightly touches on this subject. We will pass by this word in a song, or skim past it in a verse ... but I have come to believe that this is a huge underlying reason why we are so stuck in - steeped in - and why it is such a struggle for us to be transformed by God. To put it simply ... we are oblivious to how shame drives much of what we do, think, say and feel.

We have never learned to identify shame. We have never learned how to deal with shame. You may ask - but hasn't Jesus dealt with all of our sin and shame - shouldn't it just be wiped away like our sin was on the cross. Well heartily YES... quickly followed by... and NO. All of our sin was washed away by the blood of Jesus ... yet we still have to deal with the effects of our sin nature until we enter eternity ... so it is true that all of our shame was washed away with our sin but we still have to deal with those same effects that echo in our souls from shame.

So anyway back to the retreat ... I prayed and prayed for a word that means the opposite of shame ... I rolled Genesis 1-3 over and over in my mind. no answer came that night. The next day after our first session with the speaker ... she had prepared a word for each of the attendees. There were 150 words inside of blank envelopes that she passed around the room that you could choose from. i got my word and it said ... 'wonder'. I sat with that for a minute wondering what it was for ... and then it struck me what if THIS is the answer to my question from the night before ... is 'wonder' the opposite of shame? At first I really wasn't sure at all. I began mulling the word over in my mind trying to define it. My mind picture for shame is that idea of Adam and Eve running and hiding from God. Getting low in the bushes, sewing together fig leaves. It's a self focus - and inward feeling of disgust with oneself, a total feeling of wrongness - I am broken and I can not be fixed. Self-centeredness has now taken over.
When I began thinking of the word 'wonder' the pictures that come to my mind are of adorable children finding something amazing in the creek or their yard and running to their parents to show them its incredible beauty. Its an outward display of beauty on their face. It's peace and delight. It's the exact opposite of the self-centeredness of shame. But I still couldn't quite put the 2 words together as opposites just then - something didn't fit for me. The pictures seemed close but something felt off.

Then the other night I was dreaming ... but before I went to bed I prayed through the Divine Hours ... the final prayer of the day contained this ...

"And now I ask that you will work within me while I sleep, using the hours of my rest to create in mea new mind and heart and soul. May my mind, which during the day was directed to my work and activities, through the night be directed wholly to you. "

... I LOVE that. So I prayed it heartily. And I believe that God answered, because somewhere in the night I think I realized what the opposite is. What really brought it home for me was realizing the opposite of 'sin.' I would have thought it to be holiness ... but truly I think God told me in a dream while going over Genesis that it is INNOCENCE. And so the opposite of shame is in fact 'wonder'.

Innocence and wonder, sin and shame.

Why does this matter? Because we learn in opposites. It helps when we can wrap our minds wholly around the problem and examine it from start to finish.

So if sin and shame have been taken away by the blood of Christ ... then innocence and wonder can be restored to us ... the question then is posed to you God - how? what the heck does that look like? What does that mean for me - especially in light of what I went through 2 years ago - when you walked me through all of my shame? What exactly do you want for me next?