honor

I promised a 'to be continued' on my last post and never delivered!

The last day of the retreat we had an opportunity to have 15 minutes blocks of time with the man who had been teaching us about spiritual formation all week. He is from Denver Seminary ... and our 15 min blocks were supposed to be for beginning a 'rule of life.' I had no idea what that was until he taught us that day ... it's a baseline of spiritual disciplines that are your 'go-to' disciplines. Anyway, I decided to sign up for my 15 minute slot and at least begin to think about what this might mean for someone in the middle of a dark night of the soul. My time slot had no one coming after ... so we sat and chatted under the shade of a tree. H and I had chatted a couple times at dinner in a group but I didn't have much opportunity to share anything in class or other times - so he knew nothing of my story except when I shared about my white box at the beginning of the retreat. So he just started out asking me about myself and my week. I told him about my conversation with G and what God showed me about exploring other parts of who I am -- not just looking at my spiritual side and the dark night. He was intrigued by that idea. He then asked about my dark night and so I described the last 3 years and all the stripping ... and I of course shed tears though all of that. He asked what my husband thinks of it all ... and I was able to share something he had said to me on our vacation ... He said that he had stopped talking to God and stopped reading the Bible because he was so angry on my behalf. I shed a tear over that sentiment ... knowing it was not the right thing - but touched that he had felt that strongly for me. I told him though -- that is so sweet but PLEASE - one of us should have access to God - so please get back with The Lord. Somewhere in all of that I just began expressing my heartfelt desire to be with Jesus again ... that truly from the bottom of my heart that is all I want is to be intimate with Him again. H at the end of our meeting said what an honor it had been to sit and listen to my story ... that I had inspired him. WHAT? really? I was blown away. He's a seminary professor and I'm just me - homeschooling pastors wife mom locked away at home in the middle of a dark night of the soul. These last 3 years have been so isolating - it was weird to hear him say that to me.
So in our last session Thursday night we had communion together ... the elements in the middle of our big circle of chairs ... we shared some stories and what we learned from the week and then prayed over communion. We were supposed to go up and get the elements for ourselves when we were ready. But I sat there and never felt quite ready ... I spent some time confessing ... especially spiritual pride of all things after what H had said to me earlier. Wishing my heart would focus off of myself and focus on Jesus. Man that is so my prayer. When all of a sudden I felt someone touch my hand. It was H - he was there kneeling in front of me! - offering me the communion elements - telling me Jesus' body is broken for me, His blood is shed for me. I can't even describe the tears as they welled up in me - it was involuntary - totally different - like my spirit was crying but not my brain - huge tears rolled down my face. A friend next to me grabbed my ankle as she kneeled on the floor and I was sitting in a chair. It was an amazing moment. I'm still not quite sure what to do with such a gift.

It makes me think of the last retreat ... when S gave me his 'beloved' ring ... now I have another moment to add to it of another man, H, kneeling to offer me communion. Both are such big moments - both bestowing an honor on me, both from older fatherly men, both feel 'bridal' in nature. I can't escape that symbolism ... that Song of Solomon, Christ and His Bride symbolism. I just wish I could fully understand what the Lord is saying to me in it. It feels clear though ... that God seems to be 'wooing' me.