I've actually been pretty happy lately. The days of numbness and shame are far behind, the white room and its blankness feel distant. The earth shattering desperation and ache are gone too. I feel kinda happy go lucky. I feel like The Lord has given me a breath... to freshen my soul... yet He is still quiet. Clearly, whatever He is up to in me is not yet done.
As I think back to my last Soul Care retreat ... and the spiritual direction I received ... I have been feeling a bit stuck, unsure where to go next. As I sat that day and explored how my body experiences life thru my 5 senses my heart rejoiced and felt released to worship... but now since I have been home that experience -- though I know it can't duplicated just seems to be out of reach. I tried to think through some other facet of myself like my mothering. I woke up one morning trying to figure out what about my mothering worships God ... but I hit that wall of shame... and though I fought against it ... could not get past it to contemplate anything worthwhile and life giving. It's like when I first began thinking about how my body worships while in Colorado, it went totally sideways. I ended up making a horrible list of all the ways I hate the way I look, and I had to pray for God to redirect my thoughts and give me a new idea. Maybe I wasn't quite ready to dig into mothering thoughts ... maybe I'm not done with my body yet either ... its funny but I've read a couple things where the 5 senses was mentioned and I feel like I'm supposed to keep exploring that, but when I have gone back to my list it doesn't feel quite right ... like I was supposed to shift and do something different with them but nothing occurred to me at the time.
Then the other day and idea popped into my head ... I'm going to guess it was the Holy Spirit but it could have been my idea -- is there a difference when He and I are meant to be one? not sure on that theological question -- anyway, I'm wondering if perhaps I am supposed to make a spiritual discipline up of exploring my 5 senses more fully and how they each have a role to play in how I/we worship. It makes me think back to one of the first women's retreats at my last church. Someone else was speaking but had asked me to make up a booklet for personal alone time. The idea was to send everyone out with some scripture and make it a full sensory experience. The 5 senses are what called out to me and I sought scripture for each one ... and put it into a journal. Perhaps I need to hunt that down again and see if the Lord is up to anything thru it.
Oh taste and see that the Lord is good... psalm 34
My soul thirsts for the Living God... psalm 42
My soul will be satisfied as with rich food... psalm 63
For your steadfast love is before my eyes ... psalm 26
To You I lift my eyes my eyes, O You who are enthroned in the heavens! ...psalm 123
Let me hear joy and gladness ... psalm 51
Let me hear what God the Lord will speak His people, for He will speak peace ... psalm 85
I cry aloud to God, aloud to God and He will hear me ... psalm 77
I can't find anything off hand for smell and touch ... Ill have to keep searching!
Sunday, August 28, 2016
Thursday, August 18, 2016
some excitement
I'm a bit excited these days because God is finally going to let me DO something! I have prayed and prayed over this. I have asked for confirmation 3 times ... which I got via a new friend who said ... why could it be wrong?, second through a devotional, and the third ... happened just after I was praying again for confirmation - she texted and said she was telling some ladies about the group and I hope you are not mad ... :) ...
So I am starting a soul care group.
I had no idea what to call it at first because it will NOT be a study. It's a group of women getting together to practice the spiritual disciplines together. This idea had been brewing in me for awhile. So I told a friend about it just after this last soul care retreat ... and she was so excited about it (she's the one who texted while I was praying!). The idea is to gather some women to do Lectio Divina together, then actually practice or discuss a new discipline to try during the next month, and then end in a different form of prayer - not extemporaneous prayer, but something more contemplative. So my friend started shooting out texts to people she wanted to invite, and my husband was so excited he shot an email out to the whole staff, and then I texted my friends ... and before I knew it within a week I had just over 20 people coming! Truly, I am amazed and excited!
I think I am most excited about is that I tend to hear from God right now ONLY when I am in community. So This will give me a monthly opportunity to feel his presence and hear from Him. Anything else that may happen is gravy on top. I hope God moves in us deeply as we put ourselves in front of Him.
So I am starting a soul care group.
I had no idea what to call it at first because it will NOT be a study. It's a group of women getting together to practice the spiritual disciplines together. This idea had been brewing in me for awhile. So I told a friend about it just after this last soul care retreat ... and she was so excited about it (she's the one who texted while I was praying!). The idea is to gather some women to do Lectio Divina together, then actually practice or discuss a new discipline to try during the next month, and then end in a different form of prayer - not extemporaneous prayer, but something more contemplative. So my friend started shooting out texts to people she wanted to invite, and my husband was so excited he shot an email out to the whole staff, and then I texted my friends ... and before I knew it within a week I had just over 20 people coming! Truly, I am amazed and excited!
I think I am most excited about is that I tend to hear from God right now ONLY when I am in community. So This will give me a monthly opportunity to feel his presence and hear from Him. Anything else that may happen is gravy on top. I hope God moves in us deeply as we put ourselves in front of Him.
honor
I promised a 'to be continued' on my last post and never delivered!
The last day of the retreat we had an opportunity to have 15 minutes blocks of time with the man who had been teaching us about spiritual formation all week. He is from Denver Seminary ... and our 15 min blocks were supposed to be for beginning a 'rule of life.' I had no idea what that was until he taught us that day ... it's a baseline of spiritual disciplines that are your 'go-to' disciplines. Anyway, I decided to sign up for my 15 minute slot and at least begin to think about what this might mean for someone in the middle of a dark night of the soul. My time slot had no one coming after ... so we sat and chatted under the shade of a tree. H and I had chatted a couple times at dinner in a group but I didn't have much opportunity to share anything in class or other times - so he knew nothing of my story except when I shared about my white box at the beginning of the retreat. So he just started out asking me about myself and my week. I told him about my conversation with G and what God showed me about exploring other parts of who I am -- not just looking at my spiritual side and the dark night. He was intrigued by that idea. He then asked about my dark night and so I described the last 3 years and all the stripping ... and I of course shed tears though all of that. He asked what my husband thinks of it all ... and I was able to share something he had said to me on our vacation ... He said that he had stopped talking to God and stopped reading the Bible because he was so angry on my behalf. I shed a tear over that sentiment ... knowing it was not the right thing - but touched that he had felt that strongly for me. I told him though -- that is so sweet but PLEASE - one of us should have access to God - so please get back with The Lord. Somewhere in all of that I just began expressing my heartfelt desire to be with Jesus again ... that truly from the bottom of my heart that is all I want is to be intimate with Him again. H at the end of our meeting said what an honor it had been to sit and listen to my story ... that I had inspired him. WHAT? really? I was blown away. He's a seminary professor and I'm just me - homeschooling pastors wife mom locked away at home in the middle of a dark night of the soul. These last 3 years have been so isolating - it was weird to hear him say that to me.
So in our last session Thursday night we had communion together ... the elements in the middle of our big circle of chairs ... we shared some stories and what we learned from the week and then prayed over communion. We were supposed to go up and get the elements for ourselves when we were ready. But I sat there and never felt quite ready ... I spent some time confessing ... especially spiritual pride of all things after what H had said to me earlier. Wishing my heart would focus off of myself and focus on Jesus. Man that is so my prayer. When all of a sudden I felt someone touch my hand. It was H - he was there kneeling in front of me! - offering me the communion elements - telling me Jesus' body is broken for me, His blood is shed for me. I can't even describe the tears as they welled up in me - it was involuntary - totally different - like my spirit was crying but not my brain - huge tears rolled down my face. A friend next to me grabbed my ankle as she kneeled on the floor and I was sitting in a chair. It was an amazing moment. I'm still not quite sure what to do with such a gift.
It makes me think of the last retreat ... when S gave me his 'beloved' ring ... now I have another moment to add to it of another man, H, kneeling to offer me communion. Both are such big moments - both bestowing an honor on me, both from older fatherly men, both feel 'bridal' in nature. I can't escape that symbolism ... that Song of Solomon, Christ and His Bride symbolism. I just wish I could fully understand what the Lord is saying to me in it. It feels clear though ... that God seems to be 'wooing' me.
The last day of the retreat we had an opportunity to have 15 minutes blocks of time with the man who had been teaching us about spiritual formation all week. He is from Denver Seminary ... and our 15 min blocks were supposed to be for beginning a 'rule of life.' I had no idea what that was until he taught us that day ... it's a baseline of spiritual disciplines that are your 'go-to' disciplines. Anyway, I decided to sign up for my 15 minute slot and at least begin to think about what this might mean for someone in the middle of a dark night of the soul. My time slot had no one coming after ... so we sat and chatted under the shade of a tree. H and I had chatted a couple times at dinner in a group but I didn't have much opportunity to share anything in class or other times - so he knew nothing of my story except when I shared about my white box at the beginning of the retreat. So he just started out asking me about myself and my week. I told him about my conversation with G and what God showed me about exploring other parts of who I am -- not just looking at my spiritual side and the dark night. He was intrigued by that idea. He then asked about my dark night and so I described the last 3 years and all the stripping ... and I of course shed tears though all of that. He asked what my husband thinks of it all ... and I was able to share something he had said to me on our vacation ... He said that he had stopped talking to God and stopped reading the Bible because he was so angry on my behalf. I shed a tear over that sentiment ... knowing it was not the right thing - but touched that he had felt that strongly for me. I told him though -- that is so sweet but PLEASE - one of us should have access to God - so please get back with The Lord. Somewhere in all of that I just began expressing my heartfelt desire to be with Jesus again ... that truly from the bottom of my heart that is all I want is to be intimate with Him again. H at the end of our meeting said what an honor it had been to sit and listen to my story ... that I had inspired him. WHAT? really? I was blown away. He's a seminary professor and I'm just me - homeschooling pastors wife mom locked away at home in the middle of a dark night of the soul. These last 3 years have been so isolating - it was weird to hear him say that to me.
So in our last session Thursday night we had communion together ... the elements in the middle of our big circle of chairs ... we shared some stories and what we learned from the week and then prayed over communion. We were supposed to go up and get the elements for ourselves when we were ready. But I sat there and never felt quite ready ... I spent some time confessing ... especially spiritual pride of all things after what H had said to me earlier. Wishing my heart would focus off of myself and focus on Jesus. Man that is so my prayer. When all of a sudden I felt someone touch my hand. It was H - he was there kneeling in front of me! - offering me the communion elements - telling me Jesus' body is broken for me, His blood is shed for me. I can't even describe the tears as they welled up in me - it was involuntary - totally different - like my spirit was crying but not my brain - huge tears rolled down my face. A friend next to me grabbed my ankle as she kneeled on the floor and I was sitting in a chair. It was an amazing moment. I'm still not quite sure what to do with such a gift.
It makes me think of the last retreat ... when S gave me his 'beloved' ring ... now I have another moment to add to it of another man, H, kneeling to offer me communion. Both are such big moments - both bestowing an honor on me, both from older fatherly men, both feel 'bridal' in nature. I can't escape that symbolism ... that Song of Solomon, Christ and His Bride symbolism. I just wish I could fully understand what the Lord is saying to me in it. It feels clear though ... that God seems to be 'wooing' me.
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