tar and shame

I woke up this morning trying to connect to the ache in my soul. But it seems that even that connection to God was missing this morning. Usually, that's the only thing I feel - the ache of wanting to be near God ... now even that was silent this morning. In days past, I would wake up and let myself feel it, connect to it, let myself long for Jesus ... spend a couple minutes in prayer - or even just crying out in my heart - and then I would get up and start my day. And I would start my day then with very little expectation that the silence status quo would change. I would just move ahead with life ... knowing God is there but just feels so damn distant. Some days my faith feels stronger and I can accept what is ... and other days I just want to scream ... scream for all the things I want to change. I wrote a post about that yesterday but I haven't been brave enough to post it yet. Yesterday was a day I wanted to scream ... because even the ache is gone ... and I really don't want to go numb again ... I so don't want that...

As I sat on my couch this morning reading a novel ... I was struck with how quiet the house was. And I sat there for a minute longing to be outside - but it was too hot and sticky today. I tried to connect to my ache again there in the quiet ... but couldn't get there. I wondered what had frozen over in my soul ... like a puddle that melts in the days sunlight but freezes again at night. I thought about silence and solitude for a moment ... remembering what was spoken of on the retreat ... how silence is the gatekeeper to solitude ... and solitude is the meeting place of God. In that moment all I got was silence ... no meeting with God. But 2 things came into my mind as I asked my heart what was going on in there... desperation and self-loathing. 2 things that are at war within me - deep within.

My desperation was obvious to me ... that's the ache - my deep desire to be with Jesus - I couldn't feel it - but I could name its existence deep within. The self-loathing isn't really a surprise either ... I struggle to love myself - like myself - care about myself. I began thinking about how I look at myself in the mirror, I look with a lot of indifference lately. I just don't care about working at my appearance - or finding something pretty to wear - its all about comfort and convenience - and getting the job done. I am overweight and disgusted by it -- and when I catch a glimpse in a shop window or mirror on the go somewhere I hate what I see. I hate looking at myself in photos I hate even seeing my reflection in FaceTime. But its so much deeper than appearance, that's just an outer reflection of the inner reality. I just feel like I have a big tarpit of shame within and I am stuck in it ... not having any idea how to get out. I asked a short prayer - 'Lord, is self-loathing a sin?' I don't know and I didn't get an answer but I prayed and confessed it anyway. What can it hurt. I asked God to forgive me and teach me - to wash me.

Tar and shame are a messy business though ... I'm pretty sure it won't be that easy.

I read a quick article online about self hatred ... just to see what people say about it. It wasn't really helpful other than letting me know it is sinful. I guess I am supposed to know I am fearfully and wonderfully made - and the temple of the Holy Spirit - etc etc ... but it doesn't penetrate - just like everything else doesn't penetrate.

Then I remembered something from the retreat ... if we are describing ourselves like icebergs and only a fraction of who we are lives above the waterline ... then we need to get to know the stuff below  - ourselves below. But not just the good can be seen and blessed -- but we need to embrace the bad - the sinful - the ugly - and somehow learn to bless it. Walk with God into it and accept it as part of ourselves ... my problem I think is that I want to throw that stuff away and reject it. I want no part of it. In the article they talked a lot about perfection - trying to be perfect - and at first that didn't strike me - as me - I know I am a sinner ... I KNOW I need God - I am desperate for Him. But what if deep inside I'm still trying to do it all for myself - be perfect so I can be perfect so that deep within all will finally be quiet and settled - so I can be quiet for me.

I don't know ... just thoughts ... like I said tar and shame are a messy business. And I'm pretty sure I can't get out on my own.