Lectio from Potter's Inn

It's a time for solitude. Each day we are supposed to have many hours of it. We had a few teachings today ... We had a teaching on Lectio Divina ... Which was more of an experience in Lectio than teaching which was nice. Then S taught on WHY we need soul care - what is the soul - and why have we screwed up its care so drastically in our country. It was a good teaching. Then we had a teaching on solitude. It also was a good teaching and a practical walk thru of how to practice it. S made a point at the end of saying THIS IS PRACTICE. Because you may not actually meet with God ... Lower your expectations ... Solitude is supposed to be a meeting place with God. It's about practicing the awareness of His presence... Because He is always with us ... It's a matter of removing our barriers to Him - and quieting ourselves enough to hear His voice and to sense Him. I came back to my cabin and truly tried to here and focused .... I tried to do a Lectio on my own to start with scripture ... And that felt like a total bust ... Then I just I just tried to pray... But I don't even know what to pray anymore. A holy nap seemed the only option after that. I just feel like a total blank ... Like there is nothing moving in me. One man before we broke for lunch during the teaching on solitude at the end just honestly said he just really didn't believe it was possible that God would come to Him and meet His deepest needs. Everyone praised him for his honestly. I get that feeling ... But that is not where I am ... I KNOW God is real and amazing - I have seen Him come and fill me - and meet my needs and work miracles in and around me. ... I KNOW it ... But I doubt/fear that He will come and do it today ... Or any day in the future just because I really want Him too. He is withholding His presence from me for a reason - and that reason is not done yet ... So my expectations are at zero for Him to reveal himself to me. Even during Lectio today ... We were focused on the transfiguration. What was the thing that got called out to me in the first reading was that Jesus' clothes turned as into light b/c the theme of clothing covering our shame has been running through my mind lately. The second read through I could see the light as a theme ... It shone in His face, His clothes and in a cloud of light that covered them - light penetrated everything - it was overwhelming - over powering - unveiling. In the third reading I noticed when it was done and the disciples were bowed down in fear - Jesus then came to them. He came and got them. He initiated it. Perhaps the light is not done penetrating me yet ... So Jesus therefore won't come and get me until it's done. Penetrate me Jesus. Break me down to marrow and bone. Let me fall on my face in awe and fear. And then come and get me so we can be together again.