cracks

I hardly know what to write about my time at Potter's Inn. It was/is hard to hold onto and put into words ... like water running through your hand. It has a very ethereal quality. I wrote down a bunch of notes, all things I want to be able to reflect on ... so perhaps over the next few months before the next retreat I will touch on the things that happened and what I learned.

The first day that we really began they gave us a ton of solitude in the afternoon ... and I was a total blank. I stared at the walls and wondered what the heck I was going to do with all the time. Nothing seemed to fit ... no scripture was tugging at me ... no thoughts to even think ... just a big blank nothing. Which totally frustrated me... as it tends to, because I feel like that is all I get is silence and nothing. I just wanted God to DO something - anything - I didn't care what. Thankfully, some people were praying for me back home. Because the next day was different.... something cracked open.

We were in a session talking about being God's beloved. That if we know that we are loved in our depths ... truly everything else falls into place - we feel at home in ourselves, in our relationships, in life. It's one of 3 basic questions we need to be able to answer: Are we loved? Are we valued? Are we safe? If we can answer those - not just in our head -- but really get it in our core all the way down -- then these answered questions - questions that can only really be answered by The Lord -- will allow us to live our amazing life unified to Christ - fulfilling our purpose here on planet Earth.

It was after this session that I got up to stare out the window at the mountains and just asked the Lord... 'Why have you left me so alone?' I think I even began to hug myself a bit in comfort as I just screamed this out from my soul. S came over and hugged me as I cried and told him what I was thinking. He reminded me that Jesus often felt very alone and set apart ... He reminded me of the verse in Luke (9:58) "Foxes have dens to live in, and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place even to lay his head." Jesus was homeless... and I don't think He was referring to just a place to physically lay down ... He was missing His true home His real place of rest - the community of the Trinity. Anyhow, S also said that I should think of his hug as a hug from the Lord ... and then He did something truly crazy ... He took off his own 'beloved' ring - one that had been made especially for himself and gave it to me. I slid it on my finger in a haze of tears ... but truly at that moment I did not really understand.

Later that day I had some spiritual direction with one of the women available. I had never even spoken with her before so I kinda just dove in with my story of God's silence over the last 2.5 years. As I began to share she noticed me twirling the ring on my hand and fiddling with it. She asked what it was and I said 'S gave me his beloved ring.' She was shocked! I mean really taken aback. I could tell she was blown away by this act of love and care for me. SO now it finally began to dawn on me - that this was huge. I couldn't see it until it had registered on someone else's face. I guess parts of me are still quite buried.

Later on as we continued in my hour of spiritual direction I shared a story from around this time last year. It was during a communion time and my husband was up giving the charge to dig in and address sin. I sat there (by the way this was at the very beginning of my numb season) and went through my list. I was ready to get my confession off my chest. I went up and got the bread and wine and sat back down to do my work. But as I did ... the Lord stopped me and spoke ... this is one of a very few moments where He has felt present in 2.5 years ... and it was brief but amazing to feel Him again. He stopped me and said 'I do not want you to confess... I want you to know that YOU are my favored one.' I was stunned to hear such a declaration ... but as with all things Jesus in my life during this time - they just don't stick to me very well - its vaporous. So I shared that story with my spiritual director and again ... she was shocked!! She was taken aback. She was astounded that I had ACTUALLY heard the Lord say this to me ... audibly. And it wasn't until I saw her reaction again that I began to see this pattern of really important stuff just unable to penetrate this 'whatever' God has me in. She told me go sit 'there' and let it soak in. I'm pretty sure it hasn't yet ... but at least the importance of these 2 events have been brought to the forefront.

The final event was in the last moments of our last night together ... we all took communion together. I sat there asking God to bring to mind anything I might need to confess and nothing came to mind. Then The Lord dropped an image into my mind ... it was my heart encased in something -- almost like a chrysalis -- and now that casing had a couple of cracks in it. Finally, FINALLY!! Whatever this is - is breaking up. Metamorphosis is almost done ... the big moment when I finally get to emerge and unfurl my wings is coming. Praise God ... all of the things then that need to be stuck to my heart will finally get stuck, because, sometime soon I will emerge changed.