Thursday, March 31, 2016
Lectio from Potter's Inn
It's a time for solitude. Each day we are supposed to have many hours of it. We had a few teachings today ... We had a teaching on Lectio Divina ... Which was more of an experience in Lectio than teaching which was nice. Then S taught on WHY we need soul care - what is the soul - and why have we screwed up its care so drastically in our country. It was a good teaching. Then we had a teaching on solitude. It also was a good teaching and a practical walk thru of how to practice it. S made a point at the end of saying THIS IS PRACTICE. Because you may not actually meet with God ... Lower your expectations ... Solitude is supposed to be a meeting place with God. It's about practicing the awareness of His presence... Because He is always with us ... It's a matter of removing our barriers to Him - and quieting ourselves enough to hear His voice and to sense Him. I came back to my cabin and truly tried to here and focused .... I tried to do a Lectio on my own to start with scripture ... And that felt like a total bust ... Then I just I just tried to pray... But I don't even know what to pray anymore. A holy nap seemed the only option after that. I just feel like a total blank ... Like there is nothing moving in me. One man before we broke for lunch during the teaching on solitude at the end just honestly said he just really didn't believe it was possible that God would come to Him and meet His deepest needs. Everyone praised him for his honestly. I get that feeling ... But that is not where I am ... I KNOW God is real and amazing - I have seen Him come and fill me - and meet my needs and work miracles in and around me. ... I KNOW it ... But I doubt/fear that He will come and do it today ... Or any day in the future just because I really want Him too. He is withholding His presence from me for a reason - and that reason is not done yet ... So my expectations are at zero for Him to reveal himself to me. Even during Lectio today ... We were focused on the transfiguration. What was the thing that got called out to me in the first reading was that Jesus' clothes turned as into light b/c the theme of clothing covering our shame has been running through my mind lately. The second read through I could see the light as a theme ... It shone in His face, His clothes and in a cloud of light that covered them - light penetrated everything - it was overwhelming - over powering - unveiling. In the third reading I noticed when it was done and the disciples were bowed down in fear - Jesus then came to them. He came and got them. He initiated it. Perhaps the light is not done penetrating me yet ... So Jesus therefore won't come and get me until it's done. Penetrate me Jesus. Break me down to marrow and bone. Let me fall on my face in awe and fear. And then come and get me so we can be together again.
Some Books
I've read a bunch of books that were assigned for my Soul Care Institute reading ... Shaped by the Word by Muholand, Sayings of the Desert Fathers and Mothers, The Way of the Heart by Nouwen, and I started Care of Souls by Benner ...
I started with Shaped by the Word b/c I thought there may be some grand insight for me in there since scripture just falls off of me -- maybe, I thought, I am doing something wrong? ... or perhaps there is something totally different that I COULD be doing? The book is good ... it talks a lot about shifting our approach to scripture ... not reading to get information - to gain knowledge - not going in to get what I need and leaving again but to let the WORD shape you ... to come open handed letting the Lord really get a hold of me as I read. To let my time with The Word be an experience with The Lord and not just an opportunity to come, take, and go. Certainly, everyone has to study the scripture at some point and just gain insight and knowledge - understand doctrine, grasp theme and content. Far too few actually learn for themselves and instead just accept whatever is spoken in church. But even less I think pick up the Bible to actually let it be an encounter with the Lord ... or let the time in The Word take hold of them and speak. It's truly a good admonition ... he had many strong points. The only problem for me was ... it didn't address any of my particular issues. But that's fine... most books don't address my issues. I am already seeking an encounter with God just about any and everywhere ... especially in The Word ... and it still doesn't come. So moving on ....
Next I started Benner ... this I thought would be amazing b/c he wrote the gift of knowing yourself that was so impactful back in December .... THIS book is not THAT book however... this book is a history of how psychology has impacted the church. Interesting read in small doses ... but not a joy to pick up and dive into. I set it down unfinished and picked another.
The Sayings of the Desert Fathers and Mothers, was what I picked next. This is mostly about 1 desert monk in particular - Antony - they say he is the father of this desert monk movement. This was a strange book. The whole thing had such a mythological quality. It was hard to believe the stories that were told in here because they sounded completely crazy. But here's the thing ... I'm usually into the crazy and miraculous. BUT this was something beyond. Antony lived in the desert alone for most of his adult life - and he lived to be a 105 or so. He barely ate, slept, or saw other people. He owned almost nothing and rarely even bathed. But they say that his face was just like an angel. He was filled with such love and compassion and a whole heck of a lot of discernment when others did come to seek out his counsel, and he also was able to perform miracles and prophesy the future. For the first 20 years he lived completely alone in a cave and just did battle with the enemy almost constantly - who appeared to him in bodily form regularly. This proving ground grew his faith to epic proportions. And thereafter, He NEVER FEARED AGAIN. He loved to be alone with the Lord, loved to be obedient, took scripture at absolute face value and followed it. He found fasting to be absolutely vital to his life with God. He learned to pray without ceasing and often gave up sleep to pray through the night. Yet God sustained and strengthened him ... he was never weak or tired or helpless. Its simply amazing and weird to contemplate ... I mean how does one even begin to apply anything he said or did to an american life? ... even the simplest of american lives are too complex. I left that book kind of dumbfounded, wondering what if anything I needed to take away from it.
That's when I picked up Nouwen's The Way of the Heart. He sort of interprets and boils down the essence of the desert fathers ... so I am really glad I began with the other one first ...
I started with Shaped by the Word b/c I thought there may be some grand insight for me in there since scripture just falls off of me -- maybe, I thought, I am doing something wrong? ... or perhaps there is something totally different that I COULD be doing? The book is good ... it talks a lot about shifting our approach to scripture ... not reading to get information - to gain knowledge - not going in to get what I need and leaving again but to let the WORD shape you ... to come open handed letting the Lord really get a hold of me as I read. To let my time with The Word be an experience with The Lord and not just an opportunity to come, take, and go. Certainly, everyone has to study the scripture at some point and just gain insight and knowledge - understand doctrine, grasp theme and content. Far too few actually learn for themselves and instead just accept whatever is spoken in church. But even less I think pick up the Bible to actually let it be an encounter with the Lord ... or let the time in The Word take hold of them and speak. It's truly a good admonition ... he had many strong points. The only problem for me was ... it didn't address any of my particular issues. But that's fine... most books don't address my issues. I am already seeking an encounter with God just about any and everywhere ... especially in The Word ... and it still doesn't come. So moving on ....
Next I started Benner ... this I thought would be amazing b/c he wrote the gift of knowing yourself that was so impactful back in December .... THIS book is not THAT book however... this book is a history of how psychology has impacted the church. Interesting read in small doses ... but not a joy to pick up and dive into. I set it down unfinished and picked another.
The Sayings of the Desert Fathers and Mothers, was what I picked next. This is mostly about 1 desert monk in particular - Antony - they say he is the father of this desert monk movement. This was a strange book. The whole thing had such a mythological quality. It was hard to believe the stories that were told in here because they sounded completely crazy. But here's the thing ... I'm usually into the crazy and miraculous. BUT this was something beyond. Antony lived in the desert alone for most of his adult life - and he lived to be a 105 or so. He barely ate, slept, or saw other people. He owned almost nothing and rarely even bathed. But they say that his face was just like an angel. He was filled with such love and compassion and a whole heck of a lot of discernment when others did come to seek out his counsel, and he also was able to perform miracles and prophesy the future. For the first 20 years he lived completely alone in a cave and just did battle with the enemy almost constantly - who appeared to him in bodily form regularly. This proving ground grew his faith to epic proportions. And thereafter, He NEVER FEARED AGAIN. He loved to be alone with the Lord, loved to be obedient, took scripture at absolute face value and followed it. He found fasting to be absolutely vital to his life with God. He learned to pray without ceasing and often gave up sleep to pray through the night. Yet God sustained and strengthened him ... he was never weak or tired or helpless. Its simply amazing and weird to contemplate ... I mean how does one even begin to apply anything he said or did to an american life? ... even the simplest of american lives are too complex. I left that book kind of dumbfounded, wondering what if anything I needed to take away from it.
That's when I picked up Nouwen's The Way of the Heart. He sort of interprets and boils down the essence of the desert fathers ... so I am really glad I began with the other one first ...
Sunday, March 13, 2016
cracks
I hardly know what to write about my time at Potter's Inn. It was/is hard to hold onto and put into words ... like water running through your hand. It has a very ethereal quality. I wrote down a bunch of notes, all things I want to be able to reflect on ... so perhaps over the next few months before the next retreat I will touch on the things that happened and what I learned.
The first day that we really began they gave us a ton of solitude in the afternoon ... and I was a total blank. I stared at the walls and wondered what the heck I was going to do with all the time. Nothing seemed to fit ... no scripture was tugging at me ... no thoughts to even think ... just a big blank nothing. Which totally frustrated me... as it tends to, because I feel like that is all I get is silence and nothing. I just wanted God to DO something - anything - I didn't care what. Thankfully, some people were praying for me back home. Because the next day was different.... something cracked open.
We were in a session talking about being God's beloved. That if we know that we are loved in our depths ... truly everything else falls into place - we feel at home in ourselves, in our relationships, in life. It's one of 3 basic questions we need to be able to answer: Are we loved? Are we valued? Are we safe? If we can answer those - not just in our head -- but really get it in our core all the way down -- then these answered questions - questions that can only really be answered by The Lord -- will allow us to live our amazing life unified to Christ - fulfilling our purpose here on planet Earth.
It was after this session that I got up to stare out the window at the mountains and just asked the Lord... 'Why have you left me so alone?' I think I even began to hug myself a bit in comfort as I just screamed this out from my soul. S came over and hugged me as I cried and told him what I was thinking. He reminded me that Jesus often felt very alone and set apart ... He reminded me of the verse in Luke (9:58) "Foxes have dens to live in, and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place even to lay his head." Jesus was homeless... and I don't think He was referring to just a place to physically lay down ... He was missing His true home His real place of rest - the community of the Trinity. Anyhow, S also said that I should think of his hug as a hug from the Lord ... and then He did something truly crazy ... He took off his own 'beloved' ring - one that had been made especially for himself and gave it to me. I slid it on my finger in a haze of tears ... but truly at that moment I did not really understand.
Later that day I had some spiritual direction with one of the women available. I had never even spoken with her before so I kinda just dove in with my story of God's silence over the last 2.5 years. As I began to share she noticed me twirling the ring on my hand and fiddling with it. She asked what it was and I said 'S gave me his beloved ring.' She was shocked! I mean really taken aback. I could tell she was blown away by this act of love and care for me. SO now it finally began to dawn on me - that this was huge. I couldn't see it until it had registered on someone else's face. I guess parts of me are still quite buried.
Later on as we continued in my hour of spiritual direction I shared a story from around this time last year. It was during a communion time and my husband was up giving the charge to dig in and address sin. I sat there (by the way this was at the very beginning of my numb season) and went through my list. I was ready to get my confession off my chest. I went up and got the bread and wine and sat back down to do my work. But as I did ... the Lord stopped me and spoke ... this is one of a very few moments where He has felt present in 2.5 years ... and it was brief but amazing to feel Him again. He stopped me and said 'I do not want you to confess... I want you to know that YOU are my favored one.' I was stunned to hear such a declaration ... but as with all things Jesus in my life during this time - they just don't stick to me very well - its vaporous. So I shared that story with my spiritual director and again ... she was shocked!! She was taken aback. She was astounded that I had ACTUALLY heard the Lord say this to me ... audibly. And it wasn't until I saw her reaction again that I began to see this pattern of really important stuff just unable to penetrate this 'whatever' God has me in. She told me go sit 'there' and let it soak in. I'm pretty sure it hasn't yet ... but at least the importance of these 2 events have been brought to the forefront.
The final event was in the last moments of our last night together ... we all took communion together. I sat there asking God to bring to mind anything I might need to confess and nothing came to mind. Then The Lord dropped an image into my mind ... it was my heart encased in something -- almost like a chrysalis -- and now that casing had a couple of cracks in it. Finally, FINALLY!! Whatever this is - is breaking up. Metamorphosis is almost done ... the big moment when I finally get to emerge and unfurl my wings is coming. Praise God ... all of the things then that need to be stuck to my heart will finally get stuck, because, sometime soon I will emerge changed.
The first day that we really began they gave us a ton of solitude in the afternoon ... and I was a total blank. I stared at the walls and wondered what the heck I was going to do with all the time. Nothing seemed to fit ... no scripture was tugging at me ... no thoughts to even think ... just a big blank nothing. Which totally frustrated me... as it tends to, because I feel like that is all I get is silence and nothing. I just wanted God to DO something - anything - I didn't care what. Thankfully, some people were praying for me back home. Because the next day was different.... something cracked open.
We were in a session talking about being God's beloved. That if we know that we are loved in our depths ... truly everything else falls into place - we feel at home in ourselves, in our relationships, in life. It's one of 3 basic questions we need to be able to answer: Are we loved? Are we valued? Are we safe? If we can answer those - not just in our head -- but really get it in our core all the way down -- then these answered questions - questions that can only really be answered by The Lord -- will allow us to live our amazing life unified to Christ - fulfilling our purpose here on planet Earth.
It was after this session that I got up to stare out the window at the mountains and just asked the Lord... 'Why have you left me so alone?' I think I even began to hug myself a bit in comfort as I just screamed this out from my soul. S came over and hugged me as I cried and told him what I was thinking. He reminded me that Jesus often felt very alone and set apart ... He reminded me of the verse in Luke (9:58) "Foxes have dens to live in, and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place even to lay his head." Jesus was homeless... and I don't think He was referring to just a place to physically lay down ... He was missing His true home His real place of rest - the community of the Trinity. Anyhow, S also said that I should think of his hug as a hug from the Lord ... and then He did something truly crazy ... He took off his own 'beloved' ring - one that had been made especially for himself and gave it to me. I slid it on my finger in a haze of tears ... but truly at that moment I did not really understand.
Later that day I had some spiritual direction with one of the women available. I had never even spoken with her before so I kinda just dove in with my story of God's silence over the last 2.5 years. As I began to share she noticed me twirling the ring on my hand and fiddling with it. She asked what it was and I said 'S gave me his beloved ring.' She was shocked! I mean really taken aback. I could tell she was blown away by this act of love and care for me. SO now it finally began to dawn on me - that this was huge. I couldn't see it until it had registered on someone else's face. I guess parts of me are still quite buried.
Later on as we continued in my hour of spiritual direction I shared a story from around this time last year. It was during a communion time and my husband was up giving the charge to dig in and address sin. I sat there (by the way this was at the very beginning of my numb season) and went through my list. I was ready to get my confession off my chest. I went up and got the bread and wine and sat back down to do my work. But as I did ... the Lord stopped me and spoke ... this is one of a very few moments where He has felt present in 2.5 years ... and it was brief but amazing to feel Him again. He stopped me and said 'I do not want you to confess... I want you to know that YOU are my favored one.' I was stunned to hear such a declaration ... but as with all things Jesus in my life during this time - they just don't stick to me very well - its vaporous. So I shared that story with my spiritual director and again ... she was shocked!! She was taken aback. She was astounded that I had ACTUALLY heard the Lord say this to me ... audibly. And it wasn't until I saw her reaction again that I began to see this pattern of really important stuff just unable to penetrate this 'whatever' God has me in. She told me go sit 'there' and let it soak in. I'm pretty sure it hasn't yet ... but at least the importance of these 2 events have been brought to the forefront.
The final event was in the last moments of our last night together ... we all took communion together. I sat there asking God to bring to mind anything I might need to confess and nothing came to mind. Then The Lord dropped an image into my mind ... it was my heart encased in something -- almost like a chrysalis -- and now that casing had a couple of cracks in it. Finally, FINALLY!! Whatever this is - is breaking up. Metamorphosis is almost done ... the big moment when I finally get to emerge and unfurl my wings is coming. Praise God ... all of the things then that need to be stuck to my heart will finally get stuck, because, sometime soon I will emerge changed.
Tuesday, March 1, 2016
MORE
I'm here at the Potters Inn in Colorado again ... I am going thru their Soul Care Institute ... And today
is the first real day of learning what it will be all about. Truly I am hoping God does something - anything amazing. It doesn't have to be anything specific - just something instead of nothing. Movement, God, would be awesome.
Yesterday I got to have an amazing drive through the mountains. There was no one on the road - just a crazy winding road around cliffs and mountains and awesome streams. Even just in that ... I felt more of the Lord's presence than I have felt in months. But I want MORE. More Jesus - More Jesus - More Jesus.
is the first real day of learning what it will be all about. Truly I am hoping God does something - anything amazing. It doesn't have to be anything specific - just something instead of nothing. Movement, God, would be awesome.
Yesterday I got to have an amazing drive through the mountains. There was no one on the road - just a crazy winding road around cliffs and mountains and awesome streams. Even just in that ... I felt more of the Lord's presence than I have felt in months. But I want MORE. More Jesus - More Jesus - More Jesus.
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