I am thinking a lot ABOUT shame. These last few days it has come up in a lot of conversations ... but never with the word shame attached to it. I wondered why we couldn't quite put it into that word. I realized shame is a word we don't use often anymore. With one exception - it appears in praise songs - but only coupled with the word guilt - and then only used because it is quickly swept away by Jesus' sacrifice.
Last fall I was lost in it. Shame was the stench I breathed. I couldn't escape from its choking clutches. Many times I didn't even know why I was crying, or weeping ... but one thing was true... I did not want to be SEEN by anyone.
So this time I am not living it -- I'm just thinking about it. And I am realizing that it's a really big deal. Like really big.
I talked with a friend this week who shared some deep hard stuff. She is a woman with a lot going on - I mean uber busy. As she shared about her emotional discoveries, I could relate because I had felt - and still feel - like the shame in my life is unhealed. She is fully aware of her shame and would be happy to share with anyone the Lord directed, about how God brought her out of an ugly and wasted past to a new life filled with so many good things. But she still struggles with deep personal doubts and self esteem issues. WHY if Jesus has swept away so much - does this still remain? I mean this woman loves Jesus - she wants to serve Him and does ... so why is this basic identity question lurking behind every shadow in her life?
And why only now in reflection can I put the word SHAME on this story - We didn't use that word earlier this week. But that's the problem. Shame is what makes us feel worthless.
A young woman I mentor and I spoke on the phone and she shared a time in prayer this week with her peers where she lost it and couldn't speak ... she drove home crying over it. She couldn't understand it - because earlier in the day in any prayer setting she was totally fine - so why was this different? She couldn't identify the problem - there was no word, until I told her it was SHAME she came up against.
Why is it so hard to identify? Why can't we put the word on it? What is that about? Are we hiding from it?
That would certainly make sense... since fig leaves are the first solution.
And what does God want me to do with it all? I KNOW I can't fix it. Heck, God hasn't even healed me from it yet. I even get nervous bringing it up because I am just more than a little afraid it will overtake me again. Which right now explains the excessive TV watching and sugar fest I've been on this week - pure avoidance.
Why is this so hard??? I mean I know why ... but it doesn't cease to surprise me. It's hard because it's at the core of EVERYTHING. It's at the core of how we live our our lives. Shame influences all of our decisions because we have created coping mechanisms to deal with the shame - pushing it far far far away from our surface because to feel it is so unbearable.
But what if we didn't HAVE to feel it anymore??? What if there was actual God-given healing for it? What if we actually LET Jesus in so He could? What if we owned it - put a name on it - and let Jesus deal with it?? The scary thing is then - we would have to let ourselves FEEL it again - we wouldn't be able to hide out from it anymore. THIS is TOTALLY CRAZY. It's crazy to think that we actually should.
I guess in for crazy.
