man fully alive

I have read and am now reading again - The Gift of Being Yourself - by David Benner. This is the book that S and G gave me to read in Colorado that I initially blew off declaring that I already know myself. Since that night with all the tossing and turning thoughts - I have read it more faithfully and now I think I would declare it as one of the few life changing reads of my life.

Its hard to put into words what I am thinking about it now … because there is so much that's new. So I am going to move along a few chapters at a time and put my thoughts into words.

Firstly, the premise of this book has really surprised me. Basically it is this - to really come to know and be intimate with God - we HAVE to know ourselves intimately. I would have said 'yes' to this previous to reading the book but I probably would have had a slightly different reason as to why. All of my study before this would have pointed me to disregarding and confessing self as sin each time it rose its ugly head to the surface. Because 'self' in that definition would have always referred to sin nature … self=sin nature... in pretty much all that I have read. So therefore my thoughts and logic pushed me to believe that all of my 'self' is bad and I must get rid of it. When self is just defined as sin nature - I would definitely agree - because our sin nature was killed on the cross and is dead. So anything that I would have dug up or was revealed to me by the Spirit would have been declared as sin - confessed - and purged. So intimacy with myself was really only an encounter with the bad… never anything good. Thus when it was all said and done I was being emptied of anything that was 'me'. I really struggled letting go of some things because of that, what would be left then?  Empty never sounds that good to me. I had a hard time picturing myself as a vessel to be filled because of this, but instead pictured myself more like a door - either open or closed to what God wanted to flow THROUGH me - rather than how God might want to FILL me -- so that I might want to give to others.

BUT here in this book - Benner separates the false self and the true self. The FALSE self is our sin nature and all the masks that we create in self promotion and protection - and YES they should be confessed and purged - because they are remnants of who we once were. The TRUE self -- is that which is basic to our created being - that imago dei that we all possess. It is our personality, gifts, talents, our individual thoughts and feelings - the thing that makes us who we are (though they are marred by sin). BUT in addition to that - it is WHO we are becoming in Christ - that enlivens and remakes those original pieces - revealing our new creation self.

I would NEVER have thought I had this mixed up in my head. In fact, I probably would have even articulated all of it correctly in conversation. BUT yet I still wasn't viewing it correctly - my mental pictures did not line up with my words. My mind couldn't comprehend the truth because it is so clouded with self-hatred. The constant need to purge and get rid of sin whether Spirit led or me-led, kept me from seeing this distinction.

We have to BECOME more of who we really are - to truly be intimate with Jesus. Back in college I read an Elizabeth Elliot book - I'm not sure which one - but one of the things that stuck out to me and still does is this: a jellyfish glorifies God by just being a jellyfish. It glorifies God by being exactly what it was created to be. So how do I then translate that into how I GLORIFY God? I have to be ME and ONLY ME to glorify God. I bring Him more glory by being entirely ME. And the ME that I am - is the ME that He wants to know - and does know in the eternal sense. He created ME as I am because He likes ME this way. He wants to intimately know ME - the one He created. And the only way I can become entirely ME is by following Jesus, because without my new creature status and the power of the Holy Spirit -- I cannot become fully ME - the ME I am always meant to be.

St. Irenaeus said this: the glory of God is man fully alive. Finally this quote by Irenaeus REALLY makes sense to me. God is glorified when I am all that He created me to be.

BUT there is more …

'Finding our unique self is, noted by Thomas Merton, the problem on which all our existence, peace and happiness depend. Nothing is more important, for if we find our true self we find God, and if we find God, we find our most authentic self.'   HUGE. This is HUGE.

At first I balked at this statement, truly I recoiled. This deep spiritual monk declares that all of life hangs on this? Yet it sounds so contrary to scripture. But it isn't. Apparently, John Calvin and St. Augustine agree because they have similar quotes that are scrawled into Benner's book.

I realized as I kept reading just exactly what Benner, Merton, Augustine and Calvin meant. When we discover the unique or true self that is hidden under sin and our false selves, this is what allows us to actually experience God as we were always meant to in the garden. And so when we uncover/discover/grow into our imago dei we can truly relate to God as we are meant to. To do this we must be fully surrendered to God in this process - allowing Him to reveal more of who we truly are. Then we can SEE God. HEAR God. TASTE Him. FEEL Him. Our senses become enlivened to Him as we become more fully awakened. As we grow in intimacy together - we have a deeper relationship, a stronger relationship that when tested - lasts - because we have gone beyond just having knowledge - to experiencing Him too. AND THIS fulfills our created purpose. We were made for intimacy with God - to love Him with our whole heart, soul, mind, and strength - and the overflow of this love relationship is what truly allows us to love others. THIS is what glorifies God. THIS is why we must unveil our true selves.